I raise my white flag

I raise my white flag and I wave it. I wave it hard and let if fly freely in the wind for I feel like giving up. I am tired of this hardness, this rain and fierce wind that bites at my back...never leaving. Oh, why won't it leave me be? I am so tired of this!

I want to give up so badly. I don't want to bother with pills anymore. I want to no longer feel this deep and endless sadness inside me. I feel as if I have no one to talk with. I am struggling and have been for so long this month and for days on end now...just days. I don't want to anymore. This new medicine...what does it do? So long as today it tires me and nothing more. I frown for I cannot smile. I cry for I cannot laugh. I mourn for I cannot rejoice.

I give up for I cannot fight any longer.

Have you tried Omega 3's? They can't hurt. Or eating a brownie or some ice cream?

no. I havent

I still feel awful.

Is there any way for you to go for a walk? Take a bath? Is there anything that can occupy your mind?

I took a hot shower

I suggest curling up with a nice pillow and blanket. Then read or write.

well I lit some candles and im watching tv...

Sounds like a good plan!

I guess :/

yeah. this is not good. im in comfy pjs with a my hood up on my sweat shirt, curled up in my bed and I just want to cry and idk why.

I wish I could help. I've had those paralyzingly bad days. Only I did cry and cry, unsure of what was wrong. Do you have anyone you can call?

Please don't give up. We have all been there and will likely be there again. Know you have support on the other side of your keyboard.

Please don't give up. I've felt that way so many times I can't count.. Do you have a supportive therapist? And a good pdoc? Those two things can be critical in yr recovery from a very bad spell. Remember you are worth it. I'm feeling stable but been having a bad day,.then cried for a while then felt better. I tried some relaxing techniques that helped too. I can't imagine how you feel but I've been caught up in such depression that I couldn't see a way out. Please ask for an appointment with yr t and pdoc asap. We are here for you.

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Im supposed to see my t onmonday but with all this winter weather coming I wont get to

Can you reschedule your appointment so that you can see her as quickly as possible? Does she do phone appointments? I'm in exactly the same situation. Your safety comes first. Unless it's a truly urgent appointment, I think you are doing the right thing by not trying to commute in unsafe weather.

Don't let the monster win. I know it gets frustrating and hard to deal with but if you look back I'm sure you've felt this way before and oh what a difference a day can make. Point being, you pulled through before. Sometimes a solid day of sleep helps me out. I know it's not much but I hope you realize you're not alone and have a gang of people here if no where else,you can reach out to. I know most of us can relate to what you feel right now. Best wishes and hang on!

Thanks to all. No one IRL understand how I feel. It hurts, a lot. I went to church this am and had a crying fit. I just couldn't stop. I am sure those who saw may have just assumed it was the service causing conviction...I am not sure. Either way, I really really truly WISH I could see my T tomorrow. I need to and no she doesn't do phone apt or email either. I already informed her I may not be able to make it if we get the 8 inches of snow predicted *gag!*.

I am so ANGRY. I am angry with God. I am angry with family and friends and most of all I am angry with myself. Did I mention I am angry with the weather?!?

I. hate. this.

I just wish I could get ahold of some of my friend's klonopin.

Have you considered discussing Klonopin with your psychiatrist? Maybe try calling him? He could probably call in a refill/prescription at your local pharmacy over the phone (this isn't possible with more regulated medication, like stimulants). My psychiatrist has done that in the past.

Theres not way she will give it to me

Why? Klonopin is pretty standard treatment for anxiety and sleeping problems, unless there's a chance that it might interfere with your other drugs, or if you have a history of dependence/tolerance/abuse.

I od on it last may

I take seroquel prn when having severe anxiety and sleep.

I hate everything about me. I hate the way I look, act and feel. I am angry with God for making me this way. I hate that I dealt with all that I did in my childhood and now this forever. I hate all my continued failures!

I hate myself. I just don't wanna feel this way anymore.

I don't wanna feel anything.

I don't wanan feel.