Completely confused

Hello everyone,

I am new here, and honestly, I have no where to go. Seeking professional is hard for me - I live in the gulf state and mental illness is really stigmatized here. Even though, I am 20 years old, I cannot defy my parents as I live in a collectivist society. Even If I did and got professional help behind their backs, its nearly impossible since its very expensive and I simply cannot afford it. I turned to this website, so as you guys have the first-hand experience with bipolar II and might help me identify what I am going through I guess. My apologies if this post is very long.

I went through very severe sexual abuse, since i was 9 until last August when I finally had the courage to speak up. Since I've spoken up- I have been experiencing feelings I have never felt before. Like: being paranoid, anxious, feeling that lump in the throat, tight chest, pain in my legs (especially my thighs and i feel like they cannot carry me), sometimes I feel like my toes are extremely cold sometimes numb. I am not sure if these are panic attacks but sometimes I feel extremely overwhelmed that my body cant take it so I just cry and even while crying I feel like I cannot let my cry out because I feel like i am going to lose control. Not to mention my negative thoughts.

As a psych major student, what I listed above screams General anxiety disorder, however, my real problem here is my other symptoms that does not make any sense at all. Since August I experienced 2 phases that i felt completely depressed in them. The first time it lasted a bit more than a week(October) and recently in February lasted 5 days. I feel extremely suicidal, loss of appetite and interest, i cannot focus and it is the only time i self-harm. When I wake up from sleep (which i sleep a lot), I feel extremely exhausted. I do get out of bed but thats because i have university, but as soon as i come back, i just go straight to bed. I lose my interest in my boyfriend and my friends and i barely talk to anyone and very low self esteem. Not to mention, feeling extremely suicidal. What really got to me is how i shifted from being completely depressed to extremely talkative, hyper, jumped from 1 subject to another (recently in february). My boyfriend was really amazed and thought it was really odd.

Sometimes I do feel very neutral but other times I become extremely talkative, random (so random that i'd wave at people's face sometimes), i have a very hard time sleeping (i would be very energized at 1 am, knowing i woke up around 10), I do feel sometimes that I am overly active and I want to participate in every event. Somewhere in September, I wanted to start an organization for children with UNICEF but ended up giving that up after a week of planning. Not to mention reckless behavior like: using my brother's credit card after telling me I cannot, I spent a lot. Also, sending inappropriate pictures to strangers, thinking about engaging promiscuous acts, getting in trouble (not with the law thankfully). Recently, around late December I really wanted to obtain illegal substances.

What made me realize that it might be bipolar is my friend - We help each other out with out anxieties but during my last 'depressive state', she said that I reminded her of one of her friends who has bipolar. I am trying to avoid whats called the 'self-fulfilling prophecy', so I called my best friend and decided to read bipolar II symptoms indirectly and asked her if I behave this way, her response was 90% yes to everything. So when I ended up telling her I just read bipolar's symptoms to you, her response was even more shocking. She said that I have always reminded her of a character in 90210 who has bipolar. So I know that I am not making anything up.

So what I have written above, does it sound like bipolar? I am not asking for a diagnosis. I just want to know if what I am experiencing is usual or not. I know I am not getting any help until I leave home for my grad school (which is in a year and a half).. maybe i just want a peace of mind, I am really confused and I have no idea what to do.

Sounds like bipolar to me with GAD and probably PTSD given the sexual assault for so long. I truly hope you can find a way to get help.

Not to be dense but what is a collectivist society?

It does sound like bipolar, but obviously no one can make a diagnosis over the internet, because it could be other things as well. I have bipolar II and GAD, and I can relate to a lot of what you described. That's terrible that you went through that abuse. I hope you are able to connect with a good pdoc or other mental health professional to get an accurate diagnosis and find a way to process and come to terms with your trauma. Stick around this site and you might find more insight into the experience of bipolar to see if it fits for you. Best of luck!

I have bp2 and could really relate to.what you were talking about. It sounds like you have bp and.gad too. But.I am not a Dr and it would really help for you to find one. It's really hard to get help when you don't have supportivs parent or people who may not understand. Alot of times schools.have free or very inexpensive mental health care. You should check into it. Also.in my state there is county physical and mental.health clinics that are free or take payments that are on reduced scale depending on yr income. I'm so sorry you are.suffering so much. I've been exactly where you are. You have done some great research which hopefully gives you some.comfort knowing that yr symptoms are very real. Being sexually abused is one of the worst abuse out there. It robs us of our innocence and.makes us not trust others and worse off makes us not even trust ourselves. Keep coming back to this site add you'll find alot of common issues and alot.of support. I hope I've helped you. You have great insight into mental health which will help you in yr healing. Feel free to pm me anytime. I'll be.praying for you.

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Hello, thank you for your reply. I am glad that its really not in my head. I am sure that I am not suffering from PTSD- because I dont really fit with the other symptoms, weirdly considering the history of the abuse.

Ah, sorry about not explaining what is a collectivist society. There are two types of society: individualism and a collectivist and i am explaining this from a social psychology perspective... I copied this off a website From alley dog's website:

Collectivism, which is the opposite of individualism, focuses on the priorities of the group and not the individual. In a collectivist society, people identify themselves with the goals of the group much more so than the goals of individuals. Example of a collectivist society: Japan.

hope this makes sense?

Thank you for your reply and your wishes.. I am working on that, although it might not be going to a therapist really soon but at least somewhere in the future. I have read a lot of people's story on this website with their bipolar, and shockingly i can relate a lot.. as horrible as it may sound, i know that i am not alone. Thank you again.

I tried going to my school's counselor- she was pretty great until she stood me up. Right now, i cant even stand seeing her, i dont know why. I would rather not see her. Thank you so much for your lovely message, I really do appreciate it. And you are very true about the innocence part
I think being so aware of mental health and psychology in general, really benefited me. Thank you again

I didn't mean to diagnose you over the internet. Your symptoms sound similar to mine although I don't have PTSD. Best of luck to you and hugs. You're not alone here.

Why did yr school counselor stand you up? Did you ever.find out why or did you just ignore her without her giving you an explanation? You need to give her a chance. Chances are it might have been a misunderstanding. Just a thought

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