[Secretum]

Today we had our annual suicide prevention walk. I spent the entire walk stewing in my own self-hatred, listening to the laughter of the people all around me and knowing I'll never be socially successful like them. I spent a good portion of the walk thinking about how much I want to jump off the tallest building in town.

I'm scared. Part of me wants to die and part of me wants to live.

I feel like I should talk to someone about this. I'm thinking about calling a hotline. I would like to talk to the friend who went with me to the ER on Wednesday, but I don't want to make him feel like my caretaker. That's not fair to him.

Thanks for listening.

[OutlawedSpirit]

I'm sorry you had such a bad day, especially since you seemed to be looking forward to doing the walk. We're here for you.

[wildflowerchild25]

That's always the absolute worst, when you're supposed to be having fun but you've been isolated by your own thoughts and feelings.

Please focus on the part of you that wants to live! If there's at least one little part of you there then you can make it through this time. Call a hotline! Go back to the ER if you need to. Be honest with them and say you have a plan that you have every intention of acting on. Call your therapist. Call your friend.

Come here and talk to us.

Anything to stay alive. You know as well as anyone else that this condition is cyclical. What goes down must come up eventually...it may take a long time but it will happen. But it can't get better if you stop before it has the chance.

[Secretum]

Thanks so much for the support, everyone. I'm trying to distract myself (that is what the social worker at the ER told me to do) for a few hours. I have church at 5. After that, I'll see how I feel; if I still want to jump off that building, I might go back to the ER.

Hopefully it won't be necessary.

[Victoria'smom]

Chat us.

[Standup2me]

Please call the hotline

Just talking to someone can help

[Secretum]

Thanks for the continued support. I went to church; it was difficult because I felt awful, but it was very good for me. I still feel bad, but I'm a lot better than I was earlier. I'm trying not to let my mind travel to dark places, and am being mostly successful.

I hope I can maintain this.

[Secretum]

Today has been much better. I hope that I am finally through this storm, and that the meds are finally back in my system and working. I had a few dips, but didn't get too low. Hoping it lasts!

[Secretum]

Today was nowhere near as hellish as the days before it, but still wasn't smooth. I got really angry at my boss today, and the anger lasted for several hours. It was an overreaction; I'll admit it.

He always praises me and tells me I'm doing such a good job when I know I'm not. Today, when I said I was considering staying in this area after the summer, he said "well, you'll have to find another job because I can't afford to pay you." I know that he could afford to pay me; he is just saying that because he is disappointed with my performance and doesn't have the balls to say it to my face.

I really wish he could just be honest with his dissatisfaction with me, so that we could work together to fix it. At the same time, he is in no position to judge me. Yes, I'm late to work everyday, but so is he! And he is usually later than me. He also leaves early most of the time. He gives me very little guidance with new tasks. We still haven't started the project we've been planning for the last two years that I was so excited about...

I really value my boss's friendship, but I'm so mad at him right now that I just don't care.

I went to church tonight for a dinner and snapped at the pastor because I was so angry !

Thankfully, I've calmed down. I really hope I get more stable soon, but this is still a lot better than most of last week.

[Secretum]

So I'm in a dark place again. I met two friends (one male, one female) for coffee tonight. I am attracted to the male friend, and the female friend is also attracted to him. The two of them flirted the entire time in front of me, in spite of the male friend claiming to not be attracted to the female friend. They also laughed at my word choices when I wasn't trying to be funny (I talk strangely sometimes due to cognitive issues) but when I legitimately made a joke they laughed half-heartedly, like it wasn't really funny.

I feel like this is "the straw that broke the camel's back". I had a lot of hope that maybe something would develop between me and the male friend. Now I can see how wrong and misguided I was.

This is about so much more than some guy I like flirting with another girl. This goes back to when I was in high school and watched the love of my life date someone else. She got engaged to her now-husband on the day I graduated high school. This goes back to the friend I had feelings for in high school, who thought I was so weird that she couldn't even be my friend anymore. (In case anyone is wondering, I'm bisexual).

This is more even than just my sorry, pathetic, nonexistent love life. I feel like everything I strive for, I'll never have. If I want something, that is the surest way to ensure that I don't get it. I wanted romance-it never happened. I wanted an adolescence-I got bipolar and spent my adolescence alone, missing every major milestone that I had waited so long for. I wanted to go to college and do something awesome, meet great people, have a roommate-turned-best-friend, and be immersed in studying something I loved. I got to college, had a shaky relationship with my roommate, had an incredibly difficult time making friends, lost all hope of ever doing something awesome, and began to hate my chosen field.

I could go on and on. I'm just so unhappy with my life. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be someone else. A "normal" person. Not someone under a curse.

I am under a curse. And it will never get better. I will always be denied that which I want most.

[jacq10]

((((((((Secretum))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear that you are back in the dark place again. Just try and remember that the last time you were here things let up and you were able to see the light again. Even if you can't believe it right now, the light will come back... try and hold on to that. If things stay the same or get worse though, going to the ER might be a good idea... if nothing else than to ease your mind.

Hang in there
xoxo

[venusss]

Sectretum, you are wonderful person. But people won't find you lovable if self-loathe. Imho, the problem is not the quirkness, but the way you carry yourself. If you don't like yourself, why should others love? (that is the line of thinking).

You are young and you will yet be able to do many wonderful things. But you gotta take initiative. Want a guy? Show it. Try to flirt. What is the worst thing that happens? You will be turned down, eh. But by not acting you aren't getting anything either.

You are not under a curse, you will and can get better.... and if you try and don't self defeat, you can get a lot of what you want.