Giving up, I tried my best to stay stable, but its just not happening. I have so much to organise before I can go in. Dont know how I will get everything done and oraganised.

Edit, my neighbour helped me with a few things. I have an appointment for tomorrow, with the view to being admitted. Feel like such a failure but I am calmer now I know I have the appointment and know I only have to get through another 24 hours until then.

[happywoman]

Thanks PC friends for hugs. Not overwhelmed by sad emotions today.

[tigersassy]

Your job should not make you contemplate sui. But that it's where I am today. I'm tired of being called a liar whether directly or by actions. Especially by HR. Something it's seriously wrong with that.

[Mrs. Mania]

This about sums it up-

I hate it all, I hate my friends
I hate this bad attitude, I'm sure you hate me too
But I don't care, you know why
When it's over then you die
No making friends today
'Cause I hate everything

Lyrics taken from <a href="http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/suicide-machines-lyrics/i-hate-everything-lyrics.html">this page</a>

[r010159]

I feel a little depressed. I think this is mostly worry and anxiety. Now I am worrying what will happen next. Little things seem big to me. I feel foreboding, about what I do not know. There is no reason to feel this way!

[Standup2me]

I am strong
I am brave
I am a part of this world
I am blessed to have this

[Alone & confused]

I REFUSE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYONE'S PROBLEMS BUT MY OWN!!!
I am SO TIRED of people (in my real life) trying to make me feel guilty and obligated to bail them out of ALL of their troubles when (1) I can't even get my own self together, and (2) they're not EVEN trying to help themselves! They just want someone to take care of them and I don't even have my own life in order.

[charo224488]

I hate summer. There is all this pressure to be outside enjoying the weather, when all I want to do is sleep in the air conditioning. Everyone is so happy in the summer- I feel like punching them in the face. My son is off from school and I try to keep him occupied and happy and it's so hard when I just want to be alone and sleep. The pretty flowers and sunshine and all that crap do nothing for me. I hate the mosquitos and the humidity and the heat and the pressure and the family gatherings, pretending to be someone I am not. All of this hiding my illness and feelings is exhausting. Sleeping like crap- can't fall asleep and then I wake up so many times, sometimes screaming because of horrific dreams. It's like being on this ride that goes around and around and there is no way to get off ever because it won't stop and it's faster and faster. Like a living nightmare.

[TippPatt]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

I got a dog today
Life is so good.

She makes my heart smile

I'm so glad. I have a dog as well and some days are just so darn bad and then I see Buster's sparkly eyes asking me to go do 'something, anything, please, come on, you gotta' and it's just not so bad any more.

Thanks for sharing. I hope you two are very happy together.

Feeling extremely overwhelmed today... I have so much to do. I am trying to calm myself and write a list but the list keeps getting longer and longer and I have no idea how I will get everything done on time. Dreading catching the train to the doctors and hospital with all my luggage but I have no one who can take me. Better figure out the train timetable too, another thing for my list. Wow I cant believe I am actually going in, I thought the last time would be the last time for sure. Such a disappointment.

[pawn78]

Originally Posted by Supanova

Feeling extremely overwhelmed today... I have so much to do. I am trying to calm myself and write a list but the list keeps getting longer and longer and I have no idea how I will get everything done on time. Dreading catching the train to the doctors and hospital with all my luggage but I have no one who can take me. Better figure out the train timetable too, another thing for my list. Wow I cant believe I am actually going in, I thought the last time would be the last time for sure. Such a disappointment.

I gather that you are going to inpatient care/hospital? There is nothing wrong with that Supanova. No need to be disappointed. I am stable 99% of the time, but I know there is always the possibility that I will need hospitalization again one day. its ok. I am glad that you are getting help.

Thanks, Yeah inpatient to a private clinic, supposed to be a month long stay so they can see the full hormone cycle but I am notorious for discharging myself early. Need to make sure I stay put and let them do what they need to do. I have 3 weeks off work so I hope they find something to help me. I feel like a lost cause right now.

I have done most of the things on my list. Hoping I havent forgotten anything as I dont know when I will next be allowed home. I am thankful my friend will take me in. I was told by my father to stop asking for support and not to ask for any online support while I am in hospital. That hospital will give all my friends a rest from my very many issues. He said I was a burden to my friends and to stop contact with them once I go in. That makes me sad. I didnt know I was a burden to them, none have ever mentioned it. I asked a couple who said I wasnt a burden but I guess they are just lying to save my feelings.

[pawn78]

Originally Posted by Supanova

Thanks, Yeah inpatient to a private clinic, supposed to be a month long stay so they can see the full hormone cycle but I am notorious for discharging myself early. Need to make sure I stay put and let them do what they need to do. I have 3 weeks off work so I hope they find something to help me. I feel like a lost cause right now.

I have done most of the things on my list. Hoping I havent forgotten anything as I dont know when I will next be allowed home. I am thankful my friend will take me in. I was told by my father to stop asking for support and not to ask for any online support while I am in hospital. That hospital will give all my friends a rest from my very many issues. He said I was a burden to my friends and to stop contact with them once I go in. That makes me sad. I didnt know I was a burden to them, none have ever mentioned it. I asked a couple who said I wasnt a burden but I guess they are just lying to save my feelings.

What? That sounds mean what your father said! You are NOT a burden to your friends! No offense meant, but your father sounds kind of abusive. Don't listen to him! You should stay in contact with your friends imo! I hope you update us here on your experience in the hospital. Your friends are your friends, and we all need support.

[lonelychick]

Terrible day at work. We said goodbye to our manager (the only IRL person who knows what's going on with me and is giving me support). She's moving out of state. Multiple people ended up in tears, myself included. She took a half day, but we were all out of sorts and snappy and cranky and miserable.

[Standup2me]

I am lying in bed, thinking about how lucky I am
I have enough food to eat, a warm bed to sleep in and
clean water to drink

I am blessed

[r010159]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

I am lying in bed, thinking about how lucky I am
I have enough food to eat, a warm bed to sleep in and
clean water to drink

I am blessed

I have a good daughter, disability so I can take care of myself and my mother, a free care taking service to help me with my mother, a helpful neighbor who understands what I am going through, and a freind to talk to about my problems. There is also all of you here who have provided me with allot of help and support.

I do have a roof over my head, money to pay the bills (barely at times), and food in the fridge...oh yes...and clean water and a warm bed to sleep in.

I am truly blessed!

[Curiosity77]

I'm training for a 10 km run in a few weeks, so I've been running a few times a week for the past few weeks. Tonight I was running on the seawall, and there were 3 otters playing on the beach, rolling around in the sand and jumping in and out of the water. I've never seen them there before. Very sweet.

[Standup2me]

Today I feel alive and connected to the earth...and happy to be a part of it

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by charo224488

I hate summer. There is all this pressure to be outside enjoying the weather, when all I want to do is sleep in the air conditioning. Everyone is so happy in the summer- I feel like punching them in the face. My son is off from school and I try to keep him occupied and happy and it's so hard when I just want to be alone and sleep. The pretty flowers and sunshine and all that crap do nothing for me. I hate the mosquitos and the humidity and the heat and the pressure and the family gatherings, pretending to be someone I am not. All of this hiding my illness and feelings is exhausting. Sleeping like crap- can't fall asleep and then I wake up so many times, sometimes screaming because of horrific dreams. It's like being on this ride that goes around and around and there is no way to get off ever because it won't stop and it's faster and faster. Like a living nightmare.

I hate summer too.

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

I'm training for a 10 km run in a few weeks, so I've been running a few times a week for the past few weeks. Tonight I was running on the seawall, and there were 3 otters playing on the beach, rolling around in the sand and jumping in and out of the water. I've never seen them there before. Very sweet.

Good luck on the run

[tigersassy]

So over this mood crap. I have horrible luck with psychiatrists and I just want to give up everything I've done in the past year trying to get better. I want to give up and go back to how everything used to be.

[wildflowerchild25]

I narrowly escaped inpatient again. I got the invega injection. Arm hurts like hell but I actually went to the grocery store by myself which I have been too depressed to do for a couple of weeks now. So I guess that's progress. Yay for me.

Bored out of my brain already!! Not even been inpatient 24 hours yet. Groups are soon, I am actually looking forward to it so I have something to do. Again feeling like I shouldnt have to be here. Its still a few weeks til I go batshit again. But we're increasing the antidepressant so best to be under supervision just in case. I noticed one of my clients is in here which is a bit of a worry but my boss said it would be no problem, that I am in here for respite (I think more respite for my support network than anything else). Started on a new vit/min drink today. Hopefully it helps the tummy troubles from the zeldox.

[nummy]

Saddish, but coping. My anger towards friends betrayal isn't simmering as hotly and I'm beginning to rather pity the pathetic things. But lord, the anger wore me out. I mean, who steals nutmeg and forks?for Gods sake. I'm almost bemused. Put my meds up to full amount again so I wouldn't feel so angry. Was that smart, or is that just denying me taking responsibility (for my anger)?

[Curiosity77]

It's Canada Day, so today is a holiday from work. I spent it getting things organized for Burning Man. Still so much left to do...

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