I hate feeling so alone with this

My husband just isn't very good at dealing with this. He just doesn't get it. Unless I completely shut down he just treats me like normal. He just cannot get it into his head that I am sick. Plus he just gets so annoying to me because he doesn't get it and I just fight with him.

I have a best friend with whom I used to be unfailingly honest about everything and I felt like she really got it and understood Bipolar and didn't judge me. Then we had a huge thing about Bipolar and though we are close again I just don't feel like I have that space anymore and it is really difficult and sad for me. Now that I am depressed again I realize how much I needed that space. I am sure she would want me to talk to her if she knew I felt like this but there is something stopping me. Perhaps pride ?

My other friends either have no idea what to say or go into problem solving mode or just don't get Bipolar. So talking to them can just make things worse.

I'm just feeling so low and I have so much to say and nothing to say at the same time. And I don't know but I just want to talk to somebody but I don't. Maybe I just don't want to be alone with it. I just want somebody to I don't know. See me. Hear me. Shrug.

And I don't want to be that needy dramatic friend. My sister is a very difficult, histrionic person (not bipolar) and I have to admit that I cringe when she calls and avoid her because every single interaction I have with her she is hysterical. So I am very sensitive about being that person. Though I must say I have not been depressed for awhile and have been stable and "normal".

I'm sorry I wish I knew what to say... I'll still give it a go though

I know how lonely this gets, I'm the only bp'er I know, so besides online friends I really don't have any support people in place who are "in the know" regarding bipolar...

I mean I have a pdoc, who's book smart and seems mostly intelligent, but he clearly doesn't "know" what he's talking about. And I have a T, who would have been a really great T if he was actually smarter than me, and if I didn't intelectually intimidate him. (His own confession lol)

They are the people who are closest to getting it in my life.

What I've been trying though is to recognize AND value the type support that IS made available to me. It may not be exactly what I wanted, but its given freely and with love.

For example, I have a friend, a best friend, who just doesn't have a clue. I mean she gets me, we've grown up together, but she doesn't get the stuff I go through. Even so, she will come over, make me a cup of coffee, and let me just cry all over her uniform before she even goes to work in the morning.

Then there's mom, poor woman doesn't even know how to give a hug, but when she sees I'm not doing well, she'll voluntarily help me with mommy chores so I have less on my plate.

Also there's bf and brother, masters at distraction and know just when "pushing" may help me get out of my own head...

None of these people "get" what I endure, and I really didn't know I would ramble this much, but what I'm trying to say is; I'm alone with this beast too, nobody gets it, but I do try to be grateful for the ways they try to be there for me even though their hands are tied by their blameless ignorance.

Your hubby may need some eye opening education so that he can find a way to be there for you. Nothing like a rude awakening from your very own head doctors... idk just a suggestion.

Men aren't the best at talking over personal issues. Give him something to do, some clear instructions. He's more like, a washing machine...A printed out sheet of what to do when you are having an episode will make him respond.

Yes Marshellette. You are right about me. And especially my man. He admits that he is emotionally handicapped. It just isn't his thing. It works for us in a lot of ways because it leaves a lot of room in our lives for my emotions. Hehe.

One thing about him and the bipolar is that I think he just can't make sense in his head of a person who says they are struggling and suffering yet is taking the kids to the dentist and making grilled cheese and giving baths. It is like he can't see that and remember I am ill. And I feel moved to try and try and keep things normal so the situation feeds itself. When I actually lock myself in my bedroom all day and crawl around in my bathrobe he usually steps up. Like that registers to him as a sick person who needs help. So what I need to figure out is the balance between fighting to keep things normal for the kids and not making things so normal that the husband forgets I am suffering. Hmmmm.

Trippin I love your post. I am glad you gave it a try to say something!

First totally relate to your T and pdoc situations. Very amusing.

Second. You make a very good point about the support. I am definitely going to keep it in mind. Great thing for me to hear right now.

I often feel like it makes things worse when people say all this stuff that is not at all helpful or accurate but I see that perhaps if I can accept that they are just trying to show me they care about me that can take me out of the "nobody cares about me" spiral.

Thanks!

You're most welcome

What has worked very well for me, is the washing machine tip above.

See friends and partners stumble and bumble in the dark, and in so doing can at times cause more harm than good.

So with my bf and bff I actually said, I don't need pep talks and solutions from people trying to wrack their brains to find a semblence of understanding.

For now comfort is enough.

So they end up mostly just holding me and reassuring me that I'm not alone while I spill my guts, and so far?
Its really better than nothing.

I do hope you feel better soon, maybe you and hubby can decide on a code word?
A word that will communicate without much if any feeling talk that you're struggling...

Sort of like a safe word but without the bondage and sex and stuff..

I'm thinking if you say, or text him this word, that he has to acknowledge that you're not doing well despite still functioning and that he has to step up before you get to non- functioning.

I suggested a safe word for bf, to protect his emotional and mental safety, and thus that of our relationship. If I start sounding like I'm leaning toward an irrational BPD *****fit he uses his safe word. Its purpose is to make me step back, breath and think before I proceed. Sometimes I even choose to consult a 3rd party just to be sure

So far so good, its not full proof, but we've managed to avert a few pending whoppers.

Great advice again thanks!

That's where I sit when I'm in my dark times where I feel like I can't cope with life. I want to be heard, but I don't know what to say and I damn sure don't know what I want them to say. Typically its not helpful, as has been noted by Trippin Marshelette and yourself. My bf has no experience with bp or with mental illness. He is one of those manly men. Strong and independent and always in control. He lost his mother recently, which lent a sensitivity to emotional pain he had never had before.

He is really trying to help me, but as you have said, he also goes into fix it mode and gets very frustrated when his suggestions just bring me to tears. I'm like, don't you think if I could just do THAT, I WOULD??? So I agree with what has been said previously. You can only expect so much from some people, but its good that they at least try.

I feel very very alone myself and very very scared of my future. But I'm trying to not think so much and just be and do and hope that it resolves. It always has.

Thanks HBomb. I appreciate your post. The most heartening thing ever is just knowing I am not alone. That helps me feel seen and heard. I don't have to say anything to you or explain it. You just kinda know how I feel as I do you.

I feel the same about you and your posts. Keep fighting the good fight. What doesn't kill us makes us wish we were... oh wait... We are strong and we are fighters, just not in this world's stereotypical fashion. What we go through would make them all crumble.

Hells yeah! That is for damn sure. Thanks!

I am on Lamictal 200mg and I don't feel any different than I did on 25mg. I hate feeling like crap every single day. Sad, misunderstood, hopeless. Now going through menopause to boot. All I want to do is sleep sleep and sleep some more. My poor kids I'm sure don't know what to think. I know my husband wonders why I like my bed so much. He wishes he'd married some working woman who is energetic and professional but he does love me. I just can't return that love and he is lonley. I pretty much want to die most days.