I can't get stable and it's really bothering me

I went into crisis (aka couldn't function anymore, stopped working, started having the worst mood issues of my life) 8 months back. I haven't been stable since! Some of it can be attributed to the different med combos the dr has tried out on me, some of it is just me. I've been mixed, depressed, had akathisia, anhedonia, depersonalization, crippling anxiety, too much or too little sleep and appetite... and I don't even know how to describe some of it. But the bottom line is I get used to my circumstances, and then they change! The drugs keep not working out. The dr is strongly suggesting ECT at this point, which terrifies me. I'm already struggling with cognitive and memory issues, for one thing...

Am I alone in this? Has anyone else been all over the map suddenly like this when their moods normally change more slowly? If this simply is the illness getting worse with age, I really am afraid for my future!

My current med combo seemed to be working at first, and I made the mistake of being hopeful. Ugh.

My moods went all over the map when my dosage of testosterone was changed a few years ago. Every time I've put out one fire, another pops up. Has there been any change in your life 8 months ago?

Have you been able to stabilize yet? I hope so. I hope you've got your fire extinguisher at your side.

Nothing really changed except I gave myself permission to stop trying to maintain the facade that I was doing ok. I realized I had to actually deal with this stuff, couldn't repress it anymore.

I had blood work done in January, so they tell me. I don't even remember it. (Just like I was on Zyprexa for a while this winter, and I have absolutely no memory of that!) And it came back ok.

I feel almost exactly this same way. I started a depressive/mixed episode in February and went back to the doctor in March. It got really bad in March/April and I felt like I lost my mind. Doctor started me on lamictal because the lithium wasnt therapeutic and after I got it to 100 mg I started freaking out and having crying jags and being fearful and generally just out of it. Stopped the lamictal...saw the doc again and she prescribed Latuda. Took it for a few days and realized how expensive it would be and stopped it. Went back on the lamictal because I figured the freaking out could have been situational.... well yesterday after 3 days on 100 mg I had the same sort of derealization, crying stay away from me reaction again.

I'm trying the latuda again. I'll be able to get samples until I know it works or not, but I'm just so frustrated with the medical merry-go-round. I don't know what to do. I need to find work. I need to be able to enjoy my children and my life. I can't handle this. IT makes me want to be gone from this earth. You all understand the pain of not being able to just be with yourself.... but few other people do. I think I sound selfish, but they don't have to live with the constant misery that nothing touches???

Lamictal gave me depersonalization, too. I mean, I've had episodes of it in my life, but not for a decade until the lamictal...

I understand what you're saying, and how difficult it is to endure all of this while we try different things and hope that this particular drug combo will be the magical one... I have felt like I was on the edge of a cliff with my sanity. It's terrifying.

I've come to accept that I may lose things because of my issues this go round, and I have... My job, my independence. I've come to accept that it's going to be a while before I feel better... And it's honestly been over a year since I last felt like myself... And since everything has been changing so regularly, I'm very appreciative of every day where I happen to feel semi ok. And that's what keeps me going. I hope you can find a way to have some peace, too.

I'm interested in Latuda because I'm not liking my abilify. Can you keep me updated how it works for you? I'd love to know.

I'm feel like I'm in a conundrum with the Latuda. If it works then it will be so expensive how will I afford it?? It's like $400 a month with discounts. I do hope it works, and if it does I will find a way to afford it I guess. I'm scared of being unable to get it together and cope with life. I've started putting things into place to support myself, but nothing happens quickly and I'm truly not sure how I'll get through each day with the ups and downs I've been experiencing. I've felt this messed up only twice before and neither one of those times ended well.

It's good to come on here because people can relate and give advice that is meaningful and helpful.

I have been in a crippling depression since early August. Have not found an antidepressant that will pull me out of this yet (am on my fourth one now). My psychiatrist, too, has recommended ECT. It scares the hell out of me. Not sure what I'm going to do about that . . . Do you think you will have the ECT?

I've considered it but it scares the hell out of me. I'm getting pretty desperate for relief. Would it make me feel like myself again? I just don't know.

I've got a friend who goes in for ECT one a year because no AD worked. She had short term memory loss immediately after, but did her BS and MS during these years. Idk what they tell you, I'm sure it's a huge list of "possible side effects". She said the first time was scary but they know that and make the room as comfortable as possible, and it isn't like a regular hospital room. She says she'd rather do her yearly treatments than go on meds that don't work anyway.

I'm scared of it too, but suicidal depression that is unrelenting with any meds... I'd try it once. Just me...

Hbomb, I hope you find a way to keep the Latuda if it ends up helping.

Newgal and wing... I'm glad your friend did well with ECT, wing. I'm just afraid of it. I probably should try it. I've been on and off meds for twenty years. I've read a lot of conflicting opinions about it online. Some people swear it's given them long term cognitive and memory issues, and that gives me pause. Newgal, if you decide to do ECT, I hope you will share your experiences here. I'll do the same. But I'm definitely not there yet, myself.

Take care!

I hope you all get better. I'm sorry you are going through your struggles. I will pray for all of you!

Thank you!

I was were you are 3 years ago. I've done all the med combos as well as ECT. I worked hard with a therapist and about a year ago got to that wellness state then everything came crashing down again in February. And so continues the cycle. I hate it. It destroys my life, It keeps me from what I love, It destroys friendships.
BP is a roller coaster ride. Nothing ever stays the same with this disorder. I personally didn't get any results from ECT but I have seen it work wonders in others. You need to do what you need to do to get stable but you also have to accept the disorder for what it is. That's what I struggle with right now. I hate the disorder, I hate the meds and what they do to me, I just want a normal life, I'm tired of the fight, when I'm well , I'm tired of peering around the corner waiting for the next episode to come around.
In the end, it's our reality and the fight must continue. Nothing's going to ever stay the same and you have to learn how to go with it. Absolutely easier said than done. I'm just navigating myself through this now but I have no choice, gotta get real with it and learn to manage it
Don't know if that was helpful but I just thought I'd share and let you know I've been where you are and this is where I am today with it.

It'll be a burden all our lives, might as well learn to live with it. That is not to minimize the difficulties doing so.

Wing, I guess it's just the progression of the illness over time, because it's worse than it's ever been. That's what's throwing me. I'm used to slower mood changes. I *am* used to meds not working. lol I usually give up on meds by now and just muddle through, but I'm trying to keep with it this time. I'm sorry you deal with this, too.

Plzsti, thanks. I wish it weren't so, but everything you say is so true. When you tried ECT, did you experience memory loss? If so, how did that impact your life? Did you have to write everything down, like a journal? I'm sorry it didn't help any. I'm sorry you have these struggles, too.

I know of a man from one of the groups I attend that does ECT and has found it to be very effective. He reports feeling stable on a weekly basis with no memory issues. I thought about trying it for myself too.

Wow, no memory issues at all, huh? I didn't even know that was possible. I thought it was a definite. Good to know. Thanks!