Bipolar or crazy?

First I'd like to say that I can understand that the title of this may be offensive to some and that is not my intention by any means. The title is simply the best way to describe how I feel.

A few years back I was told I am bipolar and I am now taking Lamictal 200MG a day. Most of the time I feel like it helps however there are some days where living in my own skin is unbearable.

Starting from a young age I was a liar. I lied about everything only to gain attention. I even lied that I was raped in the 8th grade in order to feel love by my friends. I have a hard time accepting love and in turn do just about anything to gain it. I realize now that what I was receiving wasn't love for to love someone is to truly know them. Now I am 23 and still have the same issue. I always think someone is lying to me. If a person isn't talking to me everyday or doesn't want to constantly hang out I find myself completely lost and I can't focus on anything else. That person becomes who I think about, talk about, my life revolves around them. This I have come to accept is very unhealthy and lonely.

Other times, I'm on top of the world. I feel loved and everyone loves me. I enjoy sex and will do just about anything to get it. This is something that I will feel amazing about and then come to later regret leading myself back into a spiral of constantly thinking about why that said person doesn't want me. I haven't been in a relationship of any kind since I was 16. During that time I have had several "dates" and a few one night stands. Every occurrence leaves me feeling empty inside. I don't know what's wrong with me.

There are times when I get extremely pissed off. I don't handle stress very well. A few weeks ago I moved and the stress of it all left me physically and mentally exhausted. I became pissed at the world, I constantly broke down crying and I wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake up again. A week later I was excited and happy to be alive and now all I can think about and worry about is how I'm scared to be in my own skin.

I feel alone and empty. I feel happy around people but when left alone, my thoughts get the best of me. There are days when I can't stop thinking, days when I can't just rest and turn my head off and then there are days when I simply want to sleep and do for hours. I feel like no one wants me and that sometimes I'm a waste of space. I've never had someone to love me other than family. I'm sad to say that for me, that's just not enough.

As you can see I'm a pretty messed up individual but I have to admit that typing this out has been therapeutic in the best way possible. I just wish I were someone else. I read all of these posts about being bipolar and am starting to think that I was misdiagnosed. I feel like crazy. Something is wrong but I don't know what. Maybe there is nothing wrong and this is who I am. I'm feel like maybe I'm trying to find a cause to how I feel. Why can't I just be me and be happy? Instead I'm miserable but then there are days when I'm the happiest person in the world but then I realize that the worst part of me is coming. The happiness never stays for long.

I'm not expecting any responses, lord knows I've typed a novel but I'm hoping just getting my thoughts out will be enough for now. I'm not sure what to do and my problem is that I know myself inside and out.. but I don't want to. I just want to be normal. I don't know what to do.

12 views but no responses... I feel for you. There's not much else I can say... I'm sorry for your troubles. I'm sure you will eventually get better. Regardless of whether or not you are in fact bipolar (which I suspect, we all question it - though I'm no doctor), this is a great forum full of supportive and helpful people. I would talk to your pdoc (and or t) openly and honestly about everything that's bothering you. Maybe even print this post and bring it with you. I hope things get easier for you. (((Hugs)))

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If you don't have a therapist that is probably a good first step. Most of what you said tends to revolve around relationships which in my mind means you may want to see if you feel more understood with the borderline personality disorder. Where ever you feel more at home with doesn't mean you have that disorder but that you feel more understood by.

Do you do any mood charting or anything?

I'm sorry it's been tough but you know we all go through a lot of what you describe. You probably should talk to your pdoc about this. Maybe you need a bit of a med adjustment. I can understand that your moods would be scattered after you moved. Moving is very stressful and stress is our enemy. I also am on Lamictal 200mg and I find it works really well even though my moods can get mixed but I think that's just the way it goes. I go on Seroquel when it gets really bad and I can't sleep.

Just a question. Have you ever been diagnosed with BPD?

This is what I wanted to say, but you were able to articulate it and I wasn't.

Thanks for the response. I don't have a pdoc. Maybe that's my issue. My family doctor who I've known since I was 2 was the one that diagnosed me. I went through a tough time and went to a psychologist at which time he diagnosed me with adult adhd... something that didn't exactly seem to fit what I was going through. I can't afford that though. My insurance doesn't cover enough of the cost. I just recently switched insurances and my family doctor no longer covers it which is terrible. The new doctor I have to wait over a month to see because I'm a new patient.

Thanks for responding... I've never done mood charting. What is that?

Thanks for replying. I have not. I did however just look it up and to be quite honest... most of it fits exactly what I'm going through.

Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived

A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation) <--- This one is very similar to what I go through. It's like if a person shows the slightest bit of interest in me, they're all I think about, they're the only one I want to be around and honestly that doesn't really change until I find someone else. God, now I really sound crazy but I can't help it. I find it very hard to just be normal with someone. I literally have to keep reminding myself, you are not allowed to call/text this person today. You are not allowed to ask them to hang out unless they ask you first. That can turn on a dime though, it's like I can instantly decide that I don't like someone, even if they haven't really done anything and then I can become very hateful towards them.

Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)

Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating <--- The binge eating and the unsafe sex... I once had unprotected sex with a man I knew had an STD but at the time... I didn't care, it was like, I'll never get it and then a week later I'm sitting there like... wth did I do?!

Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom

I know I just typed a very long reply but I don't have a pdoc, I can't afford one. Now I really don't know what to do.

To me it sounds like you may need a med adjustment. I actually have been diagnosed with bpd and bipolar 1. I havent found a mood stabilizer or AP that works continuously for me. I tolerated geodon well but ended up cycling on it as well. Im going to a new place for t and pdoc soon and am hoping this doc will listen to me and work with me to find a med that will give me atleast more time in between cycling without losing my personality or emotions or gaining a ton of weight. This is 6 years I have been dealing with this and I have yet to quit cycling every couple of months. My last manic episode put me over the edge and im terrified of having another one bc I completely destroy my life and everyone in it everytime. I honestly am scared of my own mind and things it makes me do and I cant stop it I dont even realize what ive done until its over and im left to deal with the aftermath and I try to rebuild but its getting to feel pointless now. Im here if u ever want to send me a pm.

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Here we are all "crazy" but not crazy.

My heart goes out to you. One of the reasons I decided to go to a forum like this was to be around people just like me and understand me. Your medication might need to be twicked. Hang in there! You can do this.