Giving up and losing friendships

I lost a friendship. A fourteen year friendship. I have posted about this person before. When I first got my dx she was very supportive. But since then she has become more and more clinical and critical and judgemental and in the last year or so has not been a good friend at all. I have posted about her before on here. She flipped out on me on one of my most severely depressed suicidal days ever and then did not apologize for months and then only with a ton of effort from me. She told me she has no hope for me with the Bipolar. Much much later she was able to admit that she shouldn't have said that to me. I'm glad she realized that but I'm still hurt she even thought it. It is really a huge long thing with so many stories and crevices but this is the nutshell. This has been a good friendship in the past. Maybe it will be again someday in the future but right now it is not healthy for me.

She has a relationship to my Bipolar that has nothing to do with reality. Not the reality of my Bipolar nor the reality of Bipolar in general. And she thinks she is like the Bipolar expert just because she is a social worker. But um she does not work in mental health so......

I had been trying to hold on to the relationship in a surface kind of way but I slipped up and have her a try in the emotional support arena and she failed me spectacularly. And that one tiny little event which was no big deal compared to all of these others just snapped the thread that was my connection to her. I have no motivation to engage with her now. It is all gone. It just vanished. And surprise surprise she is not coming to me asking what is wrong or apologizing. She just let me go.....

That was almost two months ago. I have felt good about it. Freed in a way. But now the emotions are creeping up on me. I feel some rejection that she would just let me go so easily. I wish I mattered more to her. I feel confused about what she could be thinking. And I feel a lot of sorrow and grief that this old friendship is basically over.

I'm just sad. I don't really know how to process this anymore. I just feel sad and rejected. I know I need to work towards letting it all go. I am better off without it. It is just hard.

Do you have a story? Advice? Brilliant Bipolar insight?

Hello, Capriciousness.

Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement

I wish you well.

I have a story. I can relate. I had a "best friend" for 34 years. We shared a lifetime together. Like you, I had a bad suicidal episode and she stayed with me for 9 days because I refused hospitalization and I wasn't safe. I ended up in the hospital anyway, about 2 months later.

The last text I got from her was July 4, 2013. I have text her over and over again begging to know what the problem was but she would never reply. She's still around. She visits a mutual friend of ours. Which is very painful for me.

I was devastated for a very long time and it still plays in my head most days. Because there has never been any kind of explanation I can only assume. And I assume it has to do with the craziness of BP and she just couldn't take it anymore but that doesn't excuse her not giving me something.

I look at it this way. How good of a friend was she in the first place to just cut off all ties. And, some people come into your life for a reason. Sometimes it's a lesson to be learned. Maybe our time was up and we are just moving on.

These reasons don't make me feel much better about it all but I've done everything possible to connect with her but she wont respond. There's nothing more I can do

I need to let this go but I don't know how to. 34 years is a very long time to just try and let it go.

I guess in time it will get easier. I've asked this mutual friend not to tell me when they've had a visit because it's hurtful and ruins my day.

The saddest part of all this, is that I've been more stable now than I have been in the past and she can't even see it. Maybe if she did, things would be different.

Sorry I have no advice but if you get some, please share.

Hey Capriciousness. That sounds like a tough situation. I've lost a lot of friendships over the years, due to my own issues and also to constantly moving. Even if the relationship was problematic it can be hard to let go.

It sounds to me like distance from her is probably a good thing for you since she doesn't seem very understanding about your struggles. If she has trouble understanding the illness and isn't trying to learn more about it it seems like she could be a negative influence. Still, it always makes me sad to hear about a situation like this. Hang in there.

I have lost a couple of important friendships due to my illness. My behavior was just too much when i was unwell, and it changed the dynamic of the friendships forever. One of them is especially hard, because he is bipolar too, but he found being around me too triggering, so he cut ties. I still see him occasionally at social events, and he is friendly, but still pretty clear that he doesn't want to be friends. So that hurts. The other friend i was really tight with, but she saw me at my worst points, and she didn't really want to hang out much after that. We still text occasionally, but she never wants to hang out. I think i would have both these people in my life still i wasn't bipolar. But i guess that is too much to ask of them. Sucks though.

i'm sorry that your friend is acting like that. It must be painful.

I'd like to start by saying I'm sorry your friend doesn't know the turmoil she's causing or chooses to do more harm than good. Unfortunately everyone feels they're an expert and aren't cognizant how hurtful their actions are. Some people don't know how to be empathetic when they're not walking in your shoes. She probably thinks you should be over it (yes although you're suffering from an illness that steals your joy and makes you feel isolated)
Although she was a good friend for many years it might be time to reevaluate the pro's and con's of being friends with a person who is emotionally chipping away at you. You need loving and supportive people in your life. I have a bipolar son and bipolar sister. I made many mistakes along the way but I decided to research everything I could get my hands on (psych is my passion) to be a better support system to my loves (son & sister).
I hope it gets better and just know there are many of us on here who can relate to what you're going through. I hope you can find comfort and resolve soon.

Thanks to everyone. Very encouraging and comforting. I always appreciate hearing other people's experiences and advice.

Skitz I think you did give some good advice. I agree that we need to think what kind is friend/person would behave this way. For me every day that goes by in which I do not hear from this friend is another piece of evidence that she is not capable of being a good friend right now. It is very hard for me to reconcile in my mind the crappy way she has been more recently with the amazingly loving and supportive way she was three years ago when we were just beginning to figure all this Bipolar out. She has said some of the most loving healing things that have ever been said to me but now she has also hurt me more deeply than anyone else ever has. Maybe that is because of what we shared before. I need to keep in mind that those amazing experiences with her happened three years ago and that the past year has been mostly frustration and hurt. Because I feel myself weaken and I want to give her another chance. I want to ask her what her deal is. I want to TALK about it all. But I have been down that road. I know that I cannot afford the drama and stress and aggravation of all of that. Sigh. As my husband keeps saying I really need to LET IT GO.

She was just there for me at a very difficult time of my life in a way I really needed. It is hard to get over that. And besides the Bipolar. She was fun. We had a shared odd sense of humor. She knew me in my college days and I was a fun girl!! Ha. She held my hair back. Hemmed my jeans. Was my designated driver. Dragged my drunken manic *** home time and time again.

And I have been there for her too. I have seen her through the crazy **** of a normal person's life. It has been a fantastic friendship.

I just identified another emotion! Yay me. It is anger. I am angry at her for behaving the way she has and ruined our relationship. I am so pissed at her for that.

I would like to have a relationship with her in the future even just a surface level connection based on our shared history and inside jokes. But for right now I feel like I have to get over it all. I have to get over the desire for connection to her. Otherwise I am afraid I'd be like an addict getting back into the relationship trying to keep it surface and then getting all emotional in a weak moment.

I agree with you Skitz. I do think that people are in our lives for all different reasons at all different times.

Curiosity....I think part if what hurts a lot for me here is the understanding that I probably would not be in this situation with her if it weren't for Bipolar. Like you said.

I can't help but feel like she just finally had enough of my Bipolar and needed to push me away. And that hurts in a whole different king of way. That is a kind if rejection that sears all the way in because the bipolar is not even the real me. I feel convicted of a crime I didn't commit. But I also feel guilty. That horrible Bipolar guilt. That part of the illness that is so hard to deal with and accept.

Anyway. Thanks for listening to me again.

Am I doing the right thing in not talking to her now?

Lost many friends due to bipolar. Hid my illness from some. Actually put an ad on Craigslist to meet new friends. Wound up meeting two wonderful women who understand my illness.
Now I try to be as honest as I can with everyone. Have tried to give up lying and making excuses.

Best friend dumped me about four years ago...I was manic and hurt her terribly. Now she has come back in my life.
One thing I have learned is to have many different friends from different areas.Don't have all your friends in one group where they all know each other.

For me the best cure for losing friends was to make new ones when healthy. Then gradually ease them into your illness. True friends may need a break but if they love you they will come back.

Life is too short to mourn too long. There are ppl out there who can and will want to be your friend.

I think only you can make that decision. Having said that, don't compromise your self respect. At one point I was willing to do anything to save the friendship, now... as much as I miss her, the friendship would never be the same again. The trust has been lost and I don't believe It can be re-gained. Ya maybe that sounds cold and it's probably that familiar wall that has gone up. I have to protect myself. Never in a million years would I have ever thought she would do this.

In my situation, It's done. I wouldn't even entertain the notion of attempting to repair the damage. I don't see her the same way anymore.

I'm sorry you have had to go through this but I'm so glad you put it out there at a time that I'm experiencing the same thing.

It ok for a person to take care of themselves by pulling back and operate in their own space. Let her be right now. She may contact you in the future if your fortunate. But it is the way she did it I can understand your feelings. She could of been more graceful about how she did it. I can understand your anger. Having friends in common makes it worse. Hang in there!

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The thing is that I am the one who is not talking to her. I had to stop because it seemed like it wasn't healthy and she was disregarding and not acknowledging my feelings and there is a very deep and complicated history and a lot of stuff happened. She hurt me a lot. I was trying to get over all of it and move on but I just finally couldn't.

So this is where I have my conflicting confusing feelings because I am hoping that I am not making some kind if mistake here. If there is nothing I can do and I just need to move through the sadness etc I will do that. If there is something I should do than I want to do that. Shrug. Should it be so hard?

But yes I am the one pulling away and taking a break but it is because of her behavior. It is complicated. Sigh.

I'm just so sad about it. It is starting to knock me off balance and I don't reLly know what to do about it. I talked to my therapist. I talked to my friends. I talked on here. I prayed. I guess I just still need to feel sad.