Warning:Triggering possibly

First off....I do mention things that may be triggering to people but this IS NOT a suicidal post!!!!!

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I am in a good mood. In fact I'm happy. I have been happy and positive for a good while now. Meds are working I suppose with that and all but for some reason the last two days I have seen distressing and disturbing images and having bizzare thoughts! I keep seeing myself hurting myself etc and thinking of ways and such.

Why is this happening again? Its not the first time! Im scared but cant tell anyone IRL!

I have no advice but thought I'd share an experience I had about a month ago. I was in the middle of a mixed episode and I was in a subway station. While on the platform I saw my self jumping over and over again. The images got so bad that I ended up crouched in a corner. I totally panicked. The funny thing was, was that I wasn't suicidal.

I would certainly love to know the answer to that as well.

It happens to me too. I can be going about my day, in a good mood, nothing awful going on in my life, and suddenly it comes out of nowhere: the mental picture of harming myself in some way. It's usually taking an overdose of Ativan or cutting my wrists (which I wouldn't have the balls to do IRL), but occasionally it gets pretty grisly, like looking down the barrel of my .38 or crashing my car into a tree at 80 MPH.

I have to say that this doesn't happen often anymore thanks to the antipsychotics. But every now and then I let my little brain wander off down dark passages that are best left unexplored, where these intrusive thoughts lie in wait.

I have the same issue. It happens very frequently in depressed or mixed episodes but it happens at least once a day no matter what mood state I'm in. Like today just a few minutes ago I had one and I'm having a good day. I feel like for me it's almost like an addiction. I've been self harming for so long it's just a part of me and it probably will be for the rest of my life. I try not to let the random ones bother me. I just accept it ( if you fight it it gets stronger) and move on. If I'm not in an episode they don't haunt me and are not dangerous. Just annoying.

I don't understand it though. And what do you say if your pdoc asks if youre having thoughts because honestly IM not suicidal and I don't want to die...but I picture and think of ways to do it.

Well that's what I say...I'm not suicidal. Just because the images are there doesn't mean I'm Sui. But if they are bothering you a lot you can say that you don't feel suicidal and have no plans or intentions but you are getting intrusive thoughts sometimes. Personally I see it as something I will always have to deal with so I never bring it up in pdoc appts because I don't think med adjustments will help, so why bother? If I'm going to bring it up anywhere it will be with my therapist. DBT and CBT I feel would be the only things that would help with intrusive thoughts not related to episodes for me.

Well my T is in communication with my Pdoc quite often so I have a feeling shed tell her. :/ I see T on Monday and Pdoc on Tuesday next week.

This happens to me too. I get similar images as Skitz, images of jumping in front of a subway train, or traffic, or off a bridge. Even when I feel perfectly fine. It's more distressing when I'm perfectly fine than when I'm depressed.

Im not sure when it distresses me most. I have acted on bad feelings before when was down but I was also impulsive at the time!

So Im not sure this is a issue or not.

I never have told anyone, not a single soul, but I too have these thoughts!

I also have never really been suicidal either. I have wanted to die, many, many times... But not by my own hand.

However, I can't even count how many times I have envisioned hanging myself, or jumping off a building. It's weird, since I am not suicidal!?

Anyway, when I get depressed, or really irritable and angry at life, I get the flash of a mental image of hanging myself or jumping off a building, those are the two ways I envision dying for some reason. I don't really WANT to do these things, but I have these thoughts anyway, when I'm in a horrible mood.

I am so thankful that you started this discussion, Hallie, as I have kept it a dark secret from all, because I feared what people would think.

Im no good at lying so what would happen if I told me Dr about this happening??

As long as you're not an immediate threat to yourself, I don't imagine anything bad would happen. During a very depressed period I told my doctor about watching a documentary on suicide at the Golden Gate Bridge and how I kept thinking about jumping off a bridge, but that I wasn't about to go do it, and she just talked about it with me and made sure I was safe. She didn't even threaten to hospitalize me. Maybe this is because there is a lot of trust between my pdoc and I. She knows I don't make idle threats and she knows from past experience that I would always tell her if I was in real danger.

With a BPD label, it could be the same, or it could be different. I'm not BPD. Some pdocs don't like to hospitalize people with BPD at all, and some pdocs take every slight suggestion seriously.

ive never had thoughts like these while seeing her so idk! my t usually doesn't freak out with just idle thoughts. she usually asks me to sign a safety contract. but my dr...idk about her.

You could be really frank, and say "Hey I'm having these thoughts but I'd be willing to sign a safety contract. I just want you to know I'm thinking this way, but I contract that I would tell you if I wasn't safe."

At least the way hospitals go where I live, that would pretty much make the pdoc say "ok, you're proactive, that's good."

Trigger warning

I just thought more deeply about it, and now I know why I have the visions of hanging...

When I was 19, I had my first major episode, and was hospitalized because of psychosis. While I was in the hospital, I was entertaining myself during the day, and saw a bunch of medical personnel rushing to my room. It turns out my roommate somehow got a hold of an electrical cord and hung himself... He was successful. I never saw him hanging, but that would explain why have these visions.

That sucks, pawn. Sorry that happened. I've seen people injure themselves in front of me at the hospital, and one guy actually escaped once. All the staff was hush-hush about it, but hospital gossip being what it is, everyone knew. His parents eventually came and collected his stuff. I never found out what happened to him.

*Sigh* I don't know what to do.

If it's really bothering you, I really think you'd be safe if you told her how you were feeling but offered to contract for safety. I'm not really sure how the USA operates, but here in Canada I've actually been turned away from the hospital for not being enough of a danger!

Ok. I just worry....

Where the line is that gets you hospitalized is a conversation worth having with your pdoc. If you both really iron out where the line is that gets you sent to the hospital, you might feel safer bringing suicidal thoughts to him, which equals more accurate help, which will hopefully keep you from progressing to the point where you really need hospitalization. Maybe if you put it like that, she/he will understand.

Don't worry. Look at all the replies you've received about us having the same thing go through our minds and not be suicidal. maybe it's just part of BP. Who knows. As long as she knows your safe, there should be no problem. I'm sure she's heard it before and may have an explanation. And if she does, let us know.

I have intrusive thoughts about suicide, too. Only for me is that I tend to act on them, or at least partially. For me it's somewhat visual, and somewhat like an inner guidance compelling me to start taking steps to suicide. Stress is usually a factor here. When I handle my stress and anxiety better, these episodes happen with much less frequency. But it's tough. I'm sorry you have these thoughts too. It's good to remember that thoughts alone can't kill you, as disturbing as they might be. If you don't want to die, you don't have to.

Does anyone think it's a type of psychosis????

hmmm but im functioning. this has happened before only usually when depressed of course. I am impulsive and have acted before. ive been dealing with this for a good part of my life.

I take my anti psychotic when this happens and it helps.