I hate myself and this disorder

Whether manic or depressed, this disorder causes so much destruction.
I've had a pretty bad hypo manic week and have done some horrible things. Things that I don't even think I can talk to my T about.
Yesterday morning, I knew I had to come down some how before I continued on the path I was, so I took a pretty high dose of medication to bring me down, even though I knew I'd crash.

Well, it worked and looking back on the week, well the things I remember I'm so ashamed,and embarrassed with myself. I can't answer the phone because people are calling that I don't know and I can't even leave my apartment for fear of coming face to face with some of my unspeakable behavior.

Once I clued in to what was going on It was too late, the damage had been done and now the clean up has to begin.

I really am a good person but turn into the complete opposite when I'm severely hypo.

I don't understand... I don't understand why this has to happen to good people or for anyone for that matter.

The guilt, loathing and depression has set in.

Hello, Skitz13. To allow your therapist to give you the benefit of his/her best work, please consider printing your post for the therapist.

I wish you well.

You need to tell your therapist everything. It's not like you murdered a whole village or something. You lack self/confidence and are overly insecure. Hiding your behavior will only exacerbate this problem. I'll pm you soon.

I don't know what you did, but it's hard for me to believe it could have been that bad based on knowing you for a little while on here. Maybe you are judging yourself too harshly? Everybody does things they regret sometimes, especially while hypo, but that doesn't mean you should berate yourself. Would you judge someone else so harshly if they did the things you did? I've done some things i regret when hypo, but i'm doing my best to just accept that these things happen sometimes. Be kind to yourself.

Skitz - I can so relate to your feelings. Had a bit of bad news last night that was of my own making and even wrote to my husband this morning, "It's pure loathing, shame and disgust. I am nothing but a waste of space and a burden". Fortunately it passed after a bucket of tears and know I can't do anything until Monday. I have to fix my f-up, and everyone makes mistakes. I too urge you to talk to your therapist or pdoc. I plan to. You're not alone in this struggle, journey or however you want to phrase it. It's tough, at times heartbreaking but even at my most negative a tiny ember of hope. Try to be kind to yourself and don't relive the bad over and over in your head. I often torture myself that way, and it helps nothing.
My husbands parting text was,"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength".
My very best wishes and thoughts for you.

Thanks curiosity, for my personality, it was pretty bad but thank you for the kind words. This I guess is like the morning after a bad drunk, only I have a weeks worth of bad. Coming out of it and realizing everything you've done can be hard to swallow and then there's the damage control.

I hope to be feeling better after I see my T on Monday.

Thank you so much for that. I truly mean it.

Just so you all know, I've sent off e-mails already to my T and pdoc. I've never had a manic episode like this before so it's worth watching. Thank you all.

I've done some crazy stuff when Im manic too. I agree talk to your therapist. They are suppose to be non judgmental and are there to help you.

Crashing sucks! It takes me two to three days to feel better.

Im glad you already emailed your T and Pdoc ... Be kind to your self .. Things like this happens sometimes .. It sucks but people bipolar or not can have a week where anything goes .. Dont beat yourself up

What the previous posters said ^^. You have to give yourself a break and be a little kinder to yourself. YOU are not a bad person, you simply have a bad disease that makes you lose control sometimes and you do things that are not typical for you. Most of us do at some point in the disease process, especially those of us who have full-blown manic episodes or irritable hypomania. Take care, hon.