When "Normal" People Can't Handle It

I've been thinking a lot over the past few days about the friends I've had who have been really close, and then have decided I'm too much to deal with and have disappeared.

I think this happens with bipolar disorder because it is so cyclical. I mean, when someone's sad you want to do something to cheer them up, make them better, and move on.

But with bipolar disorder, even if you get cheered up and move on, it's going to happen again, and again, and again.

My friends watch me on facebook as I post manic poetry at 2 AM and they must be thinking "well there he goes again" and of course, people are going to get tired of it, but that's not my fault. I'm sorry that these people can't just fix me once and be done with it. I feel bad when people do nice things like visit me in the hospital. Once during the run of a play a group of my fellow actors got together and sang me a song during a particularly dark period.

And I feel bad, because I'm sure that every time I go off the rails, these people feel like their beautiful gesture was for absolutely nothing. It's like I'm negating their efforts every time the cycle starts again. It frustrates me, so I'm sure they're very frustrated. That's why they burn out and disappear. Too bad I have to keep living it.

I'm going to try and stop blaming myself, but god it feels lonely.

Hun, I honestly don't think "normal" people are strong enough to walk a mile in our shoes. Not that they're bad people or anything, but like you said, we fight this over & over again and live to fight another day! Not everyone can do that. There is a saying that gives me comfort, "God gives his hardest battles to His strongest soldiers!" It takes a WHOLE LOT to live with this!...strength, courage, bravery, endurance, perseverance... It challenges our minds trying to find answers and solutions. It tries our patience when we have to "wait out" the really rough days. It moves us to be sympathetic, compassionate, and helpful to others who suffer as we do. So, on occasions, at least some good can come out of our situation. It may not be much but it helps me get through some hard times to think this way. I hope it helps you too!

Thank you. That does help.

Anytime! You're welcome!

I know how you are feeling. This is a very lonely illness. The other night when I was having such a horrible night, I really needed somebody and what made me the saddest is that I had no one else to call. They're gone.

Having said that, you all have become my friends and got me through the other night and I so appreciate it.

People don't get it and how could they. They don't understand the intensity of our emotions and how they can change on a dime.
My friends also gave up on me and now I live my life secluded from everyone. Never taking the chance to meet people because in the end, I'm just going to get hurt.

It is true, people just aren't strong enough to walk a mile in our shoes. We have to live this life day after day and can't just walk away. But we're here. Standing tall, fighting the fight. We are a group of the most courageous people in the world and I truly believe that. Most people couldn't handle the life we've been given.

This illness has caused a lot of grief for me but at least I can pick out the positive about my personality. I'm strong and courageous and those have to be the most impressive qualities in anyone.

I'm not proud of what I've done but I'm proud of who I am inside.

Well said, Skitz. I think the seclusion we've created for ourselves is one of the hardest parts.
But I can't tell you how many times I've watched jaws drop when the switch flips in a second and the other side of me is revealed.
It's better to be isolated than trying to explain. Although that part still gets tough sometimes.

Look guys, why should you feel the need to hide yourselves from the world? Why be ashamed or embarrassed by who you are? Do YOU know who you are? You are someone who can find the faintest glimmer of hope in the seemingly hopeless situations, you painstakingly find the strength in your weakness to face another day. Your lives are a testament to the fighting spirit within you! You face the insurmountable odds that are stacked against you, and you've OVERCOME one obstacle after another after another! The very fact that you live and breathe means that YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN UP, GIVEN IN and that there IS STILL HOPE! You have more character in your little finger than most people have in their whole bodies! Don't sell yourselves short, you have value and purpose!

Well said!!!

Thank you! I meant every word! And we are never truly alone as long as we have each other. I think we have a PRETTY BIG & STRONG ARMY with common goals, trials & tribulations, and TOGETHER I believe we can make it!

Thanks for that. I know I'm strong. I can't help myself longing for normalcy though. The ability to have normal friendships with normal people in my everyday life. Every time I get close to someone and they don't want to deal with me, it hurts.

I know darlin. I feel the same way sometimes. But then there are times when I wonder who I'd be if I didn't have this disorder.....would I be this strong? Would I have the same compassion for the plight of others, or would I have become some smug, arrogant self-serving, judgmental, self-righteous jerk and end up alone Anyway? Would I still "feel" so deeply, or would I be shallow? Every now and then I think "maybe, just maybe, I would have become something even Worse than I am if it weren't for being bipolar keeping me..... Humble? I guess? Maybe I would have thought too highly of myself than I ought to. Or maybe I would have stored trying to improve on myself and my life if there wasn't always something that I needed to fix. Maybe I needed the "boldness"of the manic episodes to stand up for someone who was being mistreated. There are many ways to see things. The difference is how you choose to LOOK at them.

I know what it feels like to lose someone because he drowned in my MH bullshyt.

This is why I now purposely keep my sharing to the bare minimum, even though that ^ was BPD related stuff and my BP is common knowledge. Not that sharing and offloading MH details has ever really been my forté.

It takes A LOT for me to get to that point where I actually reach out and tell my bff I just need a hug because I'm struggling atm. And this is a woman I've known for 20yrs! lol

Also, I don't think its just normals that get burnt out or who can't handle us. I know I've certainly reached that point where I had NO clue how to help a fellow BP'er friend who's suffering.

My brain would work OT, like; do I just repeat what I said when they were last depressed? Do I have to come up with something new? How did we get through this the last time? Is me stressing over how to respond affecting the level of empathy I'm trying to get across?
And it can get pretty stressful when the person is a SH'er because you're not sure if they're safe, and you do your best to keep them online to make sure they're okay etc...

So if it can happen to me at times, I'm sure it just happens faster to a "normi"

Idk how to remedy you problem, nobody wants to hear "don't tell your friends all those things" many people want to be able to share everything. Even when their everything is way bigger than the next person's everything that is currently being shared with them.

This can throw the balance way off kilter, and can become unfair whether that's in turn unfair to us or not.

My logic is, T's wouldn't even have a profession if we could just tell these things to laymen all the time with stellar results for free... I mean those people have to have a degree just to listen to us!

Ps. Double lucky me, in time my bf actually came back despite me nearly taking him down with me at one stage.

I'm sorry I don't have advice, I was devastated when my BF chose to save himself instead of me. So I know what its like when someone bails on you. But I honestly can't imagine losing multiple people in similar ways... I'm really sorry that this has been your experience.

TheatreKid, I was thinking about these very kinds of things just this morning(!)
Sooo hear you. This was a very big element. It's probably sad commentary on me, but it doesn't even occur to me to look to real life for this. BF is the closest to understanding (he's BPD), but I have to be very careful. The repercussions from (potentially) triggering him just aren't worth it for me. Even online, I get paranoid and clam up. Oh, my poor psych.

Anyway, I was lamenting a situation and it came to the same place. I have a VERY small world. I can count it on one hand. And most of them live far away. People often say it is with hypo/mania that they lose people. For me, it's depression. Aside from BF, there has only been one other person who ever even took notice when I'd fall off the earth. He's dead. (That one really hurt. Someone who had real potential for enduring…)

It's not that I'm not a hoot to hang out with. In general, I am. A hoot, that is. Buuut, I can't relate to "normals'" lives, nor they to mine, so there ya have it. It doesn't get far. I've never been accused of shallowness or TMI or neediness though, that's for sure. But whatever got a foothold, over the years, has been decimated by depression and disappearance. And death. There was an interesting light… someone I eventually told (about BP) exclaimed, "I always KNEW you were INTENSE!" Well, there ya have it, mystery solved! Lol. Suspect it solves a mystery on this end too...

I had to read through to this about 3 times to clear my confusion. Ahhhh, not talking about depression.
Btw, I love your quote about givers, takers and limits. So true.