[vjdragonfly]

I'm spiraling into depression and I am grasping at thin air to keep from being sucked in. Harmful thoughts cross my mind and I tell myself I have to keep it together. No-one to turn to, no crutch for me here. I bottle it up inside and put on my everything is ok persona. Praying that I can keep myself from drowning in despair. I don't want to be in this place, especially since my husband told me he couldn't go through another depression with me. He said he didn't mean it, but then why say it. Somewhere in his head it holds true. Where I am suppose to turn? What happens if I really want to act on my feelings? I can't not be capable of caring for my son. This house would fall apart without me. Feeling so hopeless and alone in my darkness.

[lilypup]

I am so sorry your husband said this. This just puts a lot more pressure on you.
Many hugs to you.

[Trippin2.0]

So sorry you're in the midst of this terrible storm ((((((((((VJ)))))))))

Please remember that it isn't permanent, this beast is cyclical, so the sun MUST shine on you again. It just doesn't have a frucking choice.
So it will!

I'm really sorry hubby was insensitive and selfish, PM me if you wanna chat one on one my dear friend.

[vjdragonfly]

Thank you both. I just don't know what to do anymore. It would be soooo much easier if I had someone to confide in. Someone who could bring me back to earth. So much on my plate, so much to hold together. What if I can't do it?

[Trippin2.0]

Baby steps remember?

1 foot infront of the other, 1 breath before another.

Break everything down into bite sized chunks, that way there's less threat of you being overwhelmed and choking on your serving.

You can do this VJ, you've been here before and you managed to overcome it. You can do so again, and as always, your PC family has your back.

Don't focus on the storm as a whole, deal with it bit by bit. Get through the clouds, rain, wind and lightening seperately.

Don't lose hope, faith or heart.

I strongly suggest you have a nice quiet talk with hubby. Tell him how he's comment made you feel (whether he meant it or not) and explain that it has forced you into hiding, which is making coping even more difficult this time around.

[pommybt]

Trippin2.0 thank you for your post to help VJ your advice has just helped me too.

Sorry VJ how insensitive your husband was. I know how you feel

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by pommybt

Trippin2.0 thank you for your post to help VJ your advice has just helped me too.

Sorry VJ how insensitive your husband was. I know how you feel

You're most welcome

[pommybt]

Baby steps, break it down. One think at a time! God it's so freakin hard.

[Trippin2.0]

Yes it is very freaking hard, but its better than spiralling further and faster downward from the intense overwhelm of the big picture.

Tackle 1 topic, 1 challenge, 1 aspect at a time...

Concentrating on EVERYTHING that is going wrong all at once, just makes us feel worse, and even more hopeless.

[pommybt]

Yep can totally relate to that. Yes ONE at a time! Today I have court and I'm overwhelmed with fear, anxiety and failure. My ex husband is going for full custody of my children as he thinks I'm an unfit mother. Trouble is I start to believe it and hence here come all those horrible mixed up emotions :-(

[buzz bee]

In yoga Im learning to breathe the good air in breathe the bad air out. Im really good at not doing this when I need it.

Hubby should be more supportive, but I know mine gets tired of dealing with it as well. I always think, " try dealing with it".

Your not alone, you have us. We understand you more then anyone else.

[catman1975]

Originally Posted by vjdragonfly

Thank you both. I just don't know what to do anymore. It would be soooo much easier if I had someone to confide in. Someone who could bring me back to earth. So much on my plate, so much to hold together. What if I can't do it?

You DO have people to confide in. Right here. People who know what you are going through.

Don't stop reaching out -- don't shut down. There are others like you. I dealt with an unsupportive spouse for what seemed like ages -- people who haven't dealt with mental illness just CAN'T understand what it is really like.

Maybe there is something your doctor can do to try to avert a complete crash into depression. Either way, just stay with us and we will help you until you pull out of it. You don't have to feel alone!

[cashart10]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate. Are you in touch with a pdoc or can you be in touch with one? I am sorry about your husband's comment. I agree with Trippin that you should have a talk with your husband about it. I hope things look up for you soon.

Awww, VJ!!
Right there with the others in saying -- you DO have someone (lots of someones even!) to confide in. We aren't going anywhere. We're right here, pretty well 24/7 and very much "get it". You are NOT alone. Don't let your brain get away with that ol' lie. Blow a big raspberry at it! Ooooh, those depression lies, they don't like that sound at all! It's so… well, so insolent. They don't like it when we're wise to their game.

You CAN do it, VJ. You've done it before, you can do it again, and we're right here to help see you through it.

(I see you have a new avatar! )

How are you doing today, VJ? Thinking of you and sending good thoughts….

[Trippin2.0]

VJ? Please check in with us

[Angry1541]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

VJ? Please check in with us

I was just say that/....

[vjdragonfly]

I haven't been on computer much, but thank all of you for being here. A couple of days ago my mood completely turned around and I was feeling great. Now I am just eh again. I do have a pdoc to call, but I try to wait and see if it really warrants a call. My meds have been doing so well for so long I just don't want to screw a good thing up . I did talk to my husband about it and he just said he didn't mean it. I tried talking to him about my safety (he has a gun under his pillow) and his response was about him. It seems everyone around me have to one up or ignore what is happening to me. It is hard not having someone to hold my hand when my mind is whacked out. I just keep wondering what is going to happen when I can't control myself anymore .

[bellenuit]

VJ...I hear the pain in your words and I remember the days and nights I spent struggling with my reason to exist on this planet. I spent so many years fighting,,,every day and every night...the plus side is this....it does get better. There is life on the other side. Keep fighting and keep trying. When you find the medication, or therapy, or treatment that works for you...you will look back at that time with deep gratitude that you kept continuing on. My husband was absolutely horrible during my years of fighting. He never came to see me when I was hospitalized and wouldn't talk to me unless it was to tell him when to pick me up. What I didn't understand until much later was that it was very hard for him to watch someone who he loved so much go through all that I went through. Also that he feared every day he would come home and I would be gone forever leaving him with two young children to raise. You may try, on a day you are feeling a little stronger, to talk with him. I think he is coping the only way he knows how. From what my husband tells me, it is very hard to be the spouse of someone who struggles so much.

I will be happy to chat with you anytime you would need someone to listen.

Belle

Originally Posted by vjdragonfly

I haven't been on computer much, but thank all of you for being here. A couple of days ago my mood completely turned around and I was feeling great. Now I am just eh again. I do have a pdoc to call, but I try to wait and see if it really warrants a call. My meds have been doing so well for so long I just don't want to screw a good thing up . I did talk to my husband about it and he just said he didn't mean it. I tried talking to him about my safety (he has a gun under his pillow) and his response was about him. It seems everyone around me have to one up or ignore what is happening to me. It is hard not having someone to hold my hand when my mind is whacked out. I just keep wondering what is going to happen when I can't control myself anymore .

Thanks for writing, VJ. Hope it does even out for you. Maybe it is a good idea to put in for an appt. with pdoc regardless? Does it take awhile to get in there? (I'm vaguely recalling such, but might be mixed up.)

I sure hear you on the about them and "one up" stuff.

[vjdragonfly]

Thanks bellenuit, never thought about that. The thing is, he is not much of a talker. I just want to know he will always be there.

My original pdoc left and now the new pdoc I am seeing is waaaayyyy overloaded. So yes Innerzone, it is even worse then before. More then likely one of the med nurses would call back with a prescription change. I'm scared to mess with my cocktail, I have been really well for a couple of years now. I am hoping this is just a minor blip.

[Hopeful Camel]

Hang in there. Tomorrow will be a new day and you will feel better. You have a lot of people here that are sending you love and support. We have all been where you are now. It DOES pass. It just doesn't feel like it will. Try to be good to yourself. Distract yourself with something pleasurable to you. You are worth it!

[vjdragonfly]

ty, I know it will pass, just have to get through the moment