Rough morning. Everything was going wrong at work. Just… epic fail. Teetered on the very edge of breakdown. I just cannot keep on like this, but have no choice. It's that or the streets. (Afternoon eased up a bit. TG.) BF wrote that letter. I haven't read it yet (nervous to do so, yeah).

Speaking of nervous, tomorrow I have a psych eval for SSDI. I do and don't know what to expect. I just hate that, in such a brief window of time, someone who's never met me will come to conclusions about me that weigh so heavily on my fate.

(P.S. My job could pretty well be done by a monkey. And still I'm barely hanging on.)

[Blitter2014]

Had a tough time last night when a panic attack turned into paranoia. The type where you can feel your brain not working, like your out of control and the walls and darkness are closing in on you. Took an extra part dose of meds and that brought me back after about an hour. Jotted it down to talk to pdoc about. Truly scary.

[Sillywabbit]

Does anyone have problems with eating disorders or self image? I have been obsessed the last few days and I am barely eating. The weird thing is though that in not even very hungry. Today I ate two meals though, have an appt with Pdoc tomorrow so I suppose I will tell her... Ugh.

[Blitter2014]

Originally Posted by Sillywabbit

Does anyone have problems with eating disorders or self image? I have been obsessed the last few days and I am barely eating. The weird thing is though that in not even very hungry. Today I ate two meals though, have an appt with Pdoc tomorrow so I suppose I will tell her... Ugh.

I am waiting to see a Gastroenterologist due to not being able to eat consistently. Eat properly for a day or two then can't stomach anything but toast and no hunger. Have lost 10kg in last three months and not dieting at all. Quite the opposite when I can. I am pretty sure they are going to say its stress related though

[Skitz13]

Just found out I have to have emergency surgery on my arm. I could use the use of my hand if the damage is ir-repairable.
I won't have the use of my left arm for a few weeks and will have to recover at my boyfriends place.

He genuinely looking forward to me being there for 17 days and the opportunity to take care of me, me...not so much.

I'm the caregiver. I've never been on the opposite side of the fence and it's uncomfortable. I'm very independent and I don't ask anyone for anything.

Needing help is very uncomfortable for me especially when it comes to activities of daily living. Showering, dressing and so on. Living with one arm will be difficult.

Having a very supportive bf helps, but still I'm very uncomfortable with it. This is such a stressful time for me.

[Manic Trance]

Up all night. Just got in town again after three weeks on the road. Happy to be back, but realizing I am totally destabilized. Damn!

[JumpingJacks]

Feeling pretty positive so far this morning. Having a cup of coffee and making plans about life. Trying not to think to far ahead or do anything impulsive. Just live one day at a time. I have everything I need and for now that's enough.

[tigersassy]

Called into work today. Brain is not working. Want to cry, scream, and throw things. I've got a headache. And I still feel exhausted. I'm down below the floor. I'm lost and don't think there is a way to come back from this. I know everyone keeps telling me it'll cycle that's the one thing about bipolar you can count on. It's just hard.

[RustbeltRoyalty]

Feeling kind of jittery. I had a few cups of coffee this morning and that's a huge no-no. It's my third day at my new job and I don't know why I'm nervous about that. It's only for four hours. It's just a little retail job, nothing special. I plan on talking to my pdoc about some sort of anxiety med that's not a benzo. Yeah, the coffee has to be banished.

[cupcakesncrossbones]

I'm home alone...a new front door is being installed...it's loud and i'm super anxious

[4ALittle]

Originally Posted by RustbeltRoyalty

Feeling kind of jittery. I had a few cups of coffee this morning and that's a huge no-no. It's my third day at my new job and I don't know why I'm nervous about that. It's only for four hours. It's just a little retail job, nothing special. I plan on talking to my pdoc about some sort of anxiety med that's not a benzo. Yeah, the coffee has to be banished.

I'm having some success with Buspar for what it's worth. I don't know if it's the medicine or a placebo effect or just life choices, but I've felt less anxiety in the last couple months knowing I'm on it.

[RustbeltRoyalty]

Originally Posted by 4ALittle

I'm having some success with Buspar for what it's worth. I don't know if it's the medicine or a placebo effect or just life choices, but I've felt less anxiety in the last couple months knowing I'm on it.

thanks for this. I just posted a new thread about finding medicine for anxiety.

[Warls]

Originally Posted by Sillywabbit

Does anyone have problems with eating disorders or self image? I have been obsessed the last few days and I am barely eating. The weird thing is though that in not even very hungry. Today I ate two meals though, have an appt with Pdoc tomorrow so I suppose I will tell her... Ugh.

I have an interesting response for that one, Sillywabbit. I'm 35 and male and was only diagnosed about 2 years ago. Before my diagnosis, I had developed severe food sensitivities that lasted about 6 years. I was tested for everything under the sun to no avail. I self-diagnosed the food sensitivity issue after driving myself completely nuts with worry and paranoia about what could be poisoning me. Turns out it was mainly Glutamate (otherwise known as MSG and dozens of other things). Symptoms improved with a change in diet, but the mood swings and instability seemed to get worse. What happened next, near as I can tell, is that my brain decided to associate every single bipolar episode as a reaction to some mystery food. My food sensitivity has gotten much better with time, but the paranoia about food never has. Now I have some sort of eating disorder, though far from being an image issue. When I'm hypomanic, I eat whatever without issue. When I'm depressed, suddenly everything makes me ill. My mother's side of the family are all sensitive/allergic to Glutamate, so I know I'm not crazy there. I know eating disorders are rare in men, but hey, so am I

[Warls]

I've had the flu since Sunday. I think it's safe to say when the body gets depressed, the mind suffers equally. I've been battling with depressive and hypomanic cycling all week. When I feel a bit better, my brain gets over-excited and triggers mental mayhem which exhausts me again triggering the depression... lather, rinse, repeat every couple hours. I was cycling rapidly before, but it's worse now. Just increased Lamictal from 100 to 150mg 3 weeks ago. It helped for the first couple weeks of stupid, but now doesn't seem effective. Today, the agitation and fear and anger with myself is unbearable. Being away from work has taken most of the positive interaction away this week, leaving only the feeling of failing others and having no control over it.

This is my first post. Thank you all for being around.

[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by Sillywabbit

Does anyone have problems with eating disorders or self image? I have been obsessed the last few days and I am barely eating. The weird thing is though that in not even very hungry. Today I ate two meals though, have an appt with Pdoc tomorrow so I suppose I will tell her... Ugh.

I am a binge eater. I was a binge-purger, but I'm controlling that
a lot better

I've told my P.doc, who just sort of glossed over it

I fight the battle every day

[jack123]

Still in somewhat manic phase but it has been better controlled with the use of seroquel during the day. Goingvbto ask Dr next week about lamictal. Just hoping this doesn't cycle down into a depression.

[Blitter2014]

Hugs Skitz...hope it all goes well

[Love&Toil]

Rage. Tonight my problem is with rage... buttons pushed by my kids. I've taken myself and locked myself in my room until I calm down. This sucks.

[tigersassy]

Down still it sucks. I feel like I'm falling into the hole. I'm afraid where I'm going to end up. Today I snapped and was catatonic for a while (my guess). I'm fighting my brain for control which will win logic or DEPRESSION.....? Blood work too be done on Saturday AM. Hope I get it done. I was supposed to get it done after my first appt. I forgot. Sleep time.

[Blitter2014]

Slept til early morning then lay in bed thinking. Practiced relaxation techniques until brain took over again. When it starts there seems to be no stopping it unless get up and do something to distract self. Been a long morning thus far. Too sleepy to function, not tired enough to sleep. Yeah this is fun.

[EmotionallyStressed]

Struggling with depression. It's really bad and I've been so emotional the last few days.

[Hopeful Camel]

Two days in a row of calm, happy and cheerful moods. I like this place.

[Roblovescats]

Aaaaaaigh! Stress. Tired. Sick. Depression. More stress. Not enough sleep. Complete lack of chocolate in the house.

[Sinking Feeling]

I never get use to people telling me I use meds as a crutch and all I need to do is exercise and eat right to get better. Implying I am weak or stupid. They forget I have gone to the gym regularly for over 2 years, jogged, and ran daily, ate right. I lost 80 pounds. I'm still in good shape. And in better shape then most of those jokers who say this to me. But even then, I still needed help. These imbeciles that say stuff like this have no freaking idea what I go thru or how I feel and how well my coping skills actually are. If they were experiencing the same things I am, they might not even survive, yet I have for over 30 years! Damn they truly P me off royal.

[Blitter2014]

My wifes upset because we had the option of a few days work and I turned it down. I just can't handle any more stress. I've gone to hide in the bedroom. I feel useless...