[PinkPearl]

Well, this falls into the category of "I can't believe I did that." I can imagine many of us with bipolar have asked ourselves that question at times, and that's why I'm writing in and really needing some support.

I got triggered by something very traumatic back in March and became extremely depressed and anxious. I knew this friend (not a very close one) who I thought would understand my situation, and I basically started harassing him. I was looking for empathy and support that he really couldn't and shouldn't have provided. At first he was nice about it but after a couple months of my emails, he said he couldn't know any more about what had happened to me. It's complicated - he had good reasons and I should have respected that, but I went about a month without emailing him and then started up again when the depression got worse. He was very frustrated and firmly told me to stop. He said he wasn't angry with me but he sure sounded like it. I JUST COULDN'T STOP MYSELF. But after I got angry with HIM and told him he was heartless, I got my head on straight after a few days and apologized about everything and told him about my bipolar. He was gracious but I feel unbelievably embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

My psychopharm, who knows me very well and whom I worship because she has helped me attain some wonderful, extended period of wellness, says she doesn't think I was manic - just depressed and anxious and thought this person could help. She says the obsessing and impulsiveness is part of my disorder however. I just can't believe I did what I did. How do we do these things?! It was totally out of character for me. I've never done something like this. I don't know how I can be one person one minute, get triggered by some form of stress (granted, in this case major stress), and go off the deep end? I'll never understand it. Thoughts are so welcome right now. I'm miserable.

[kaliope]

I have followed that same pattern so don't think you are alone in whaat you have done. when I am not doing well I send long detailed emails to people telling them all kinds of intimate things about what is going on with me because some how in my mind I think that they are going to be able to help "fix" me. they have the solution to my problem and the more details I give them the better. it seems like such a good idea at the time but I always end up feeling embarrassed and humiliated after I have done so. I cant believe I have done it. but it is something I can not help doing. it is like I am possessed. I simply have to do it. I cant stop myself. I absolutely believe they have the answer and can help me. they have told me that I have scared the hell out of them and wondered if they needed to call the cops to do a welfare check on me. I think it is a totally bipolar thing to do myself cause I only do it when I am cycling. so know you are not alone. take care.

[unaluna]

Been there, done that, sold the t-shirt concession franchises

[lacerta]

At times when I'm manic I tend to send e-mails to all kind of government services with my complains or suggestions. I feel so ashamed afterwards, as I do enclose too much private informatin

[Pikku Myy]

Just so you know... sounds way too familiar Its ok and you need to accept the fact as such. Super huggles

[cashart10]

I just emailed my pastor ( in a church of over 21,000 people) to inform him of my life story of the last 2 1/2 years since we last talked and how I finally had to accept that I had manic depression. I could just die of embarrassment now. Why did he need to know that? He doesn't know me from any one. Then I emailed my mentor and basically told her the same thing except I told her I was considering walking away from my faith and blah blah blah. The trouble is that is a couple of years ago I did the exact thing you are describing to her and sent her no less than 15 extremely emotional emails. She hasn't responded to this last email I sent 3 days ago so we'll see. This is all just the depression talking. Needless to say, I know how you are feeling and I'm sorry you are going through this.

[~Christina]

Also been there done that

[Angry1541]

yeah...I think we have all done something like that...I would call people inappropriately at like 2 in the morning....or send long involved emails/diatribes about things to people on FB or email....

[buzz bee]

I've done that recently. I feel so embarrassed. Sometimes we cant see the forest for the tree.
I found since that has happened I have seen some positives. You learn something new and how not to do that again.
I didnt know it was a bipolar thing. Makes me feel even better. Thanks for posting this.

[buzz bee]

Originally Posted by hankster

Been there, done that, sold the t-shirt concession franchises

Hey I bought one from you.

[Tucson]

Originally Posted by kaliope

I have followed that same pattern so don't think you are alone in whaat you have done. when I am not doing well I send long detailed emails to people telling them all kinds of intimate things about what is going on with me because some how in my mind I think that they are going to be able to help "fix" me. they have the solution to my problem and the more details I give them the better. it seems like such a good idea at the time but I always end up feeling embarrassed and humiliated after I have done so. I cant believe I have done it. but it is something I can not help doing. it is like I am possessed. I simply have to do it. I cant stop myself. I absolutely believe they have the answer and can help me. they have told me that I have scared the hell out of them and wondered if they needed to call the cops to do a welfare check on me. I think it is a totally bipolar thing to do myself cause I only do it when I am cycling. so know you are not alone. take care.

This was how I used to be when I was younger. I would be so embarrassed. But I kept doing it, like I was possessed.

[tigersassy]

Wow yep me to. Didn't think anything about it. I've done things similar my entire life.

[pawn78]

I had to delete my facebook account a few years ago, because I was in a bad manic episode and was posting totally insane opinionated religious crap all over the place...I was so batshit crazy, it was super-embarassing once I came down...
After 3-4 years I just recently recovered enough to go back on facebook. I am keeping a low profile and only posting "normal" stuff now.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by pawn78

I had to delete my facebook account a few years ago, because I was in a bad manic episode and was posting totally insane opinionated religious crap all over the place...I was so batshit crazy, it was super-embarassing once I came down...
After 3-4 years I just recently recovered enough to go back on facebook. I am keeping a low profile and only posting "normal" stuff now.

I've done this a time or two too...ha, at least I can laugh, although I know some people think I'm crazy, especially because of the emotional, charismatic music I have posted.

[Crazy Hitch]

I've completely sent inappropriate emails .... Mainly to bosses at different places of work. Or long typed out rambling letters. Yikes.

[PinkPearl]

Thanks, everyone. Many, many thank for the support and validation. I just can't fathom how many ridiculous things I said to this friend, how many messages I sent him, and how many ways I must have subsequently annoyed him with numerous apologies and explanations. I like this person a lot - He's so kind and is involved with my family through my son's extracurricular activities. (And no, it wasn't a sexual thing.) Our friendship had been developing and was so enjoyable - we see him at least once every week - and I had to go and ruin it. I know it's my illness and in this case I got triggered into an episode, but I feel guilty. Also, given that I told him later that I simply COULDN'T stop myself from sending the emails because I was sick, I worry that he'll lump me in with all the other psychiatrically ill people who couldn't help themselves from physically attacking/killing people. I don't have a violent bone in my body, and I hope that's obvious despite how irrational my thinking must have seemed in the emails, but do you think he might do that?

I've been there, done that, too. Fortunately, at my elder age, I have somehow learned that I can't call/write/email repeatedly when I have been hurt by someone's actions (or believe I have and blame the person). However, I still do sometimes react and post something online that's real frustrated. I did that on a political listserv I am on, and three people called me down for that. I did not apologize because I still feel like I had valid points, and I feel like the people in that group want 100% upbeat, positive actions and comments. Also, there are several people in the group who consider mental illness (which neither I nor anyone else in the group has 'fessed up to) a myth, and antidepressants a "government plot to keep us passive" [direct quote from one person.] This is just one more group which considers psychiatric services as 100% harmful not only to the person receiving the services, but to society as a whole. There's this woman who is suing somebody for "keeping her son from her." He's an adult in mental health treatment, and his team won't let her see him. This sounds familiar -- there were people at the [now extinct] drop in center I used to go to who were happy that their providers kept their parent/s away from them. I expressed the viewpoint that this political group should stick with its political mission (and mission statement) and stay out of family relationships. But the response I got from more than one member of the group was "But we know C___ and she's a good person." Balderdash. As my own sister, a wise woman, says, "You can NEVER really know what goes on in a family."

Havent been there yet although i expect it is to come, hugs to you

[sprik]

I thought I was the only one!!!!!! I hit hypomania, the first time, Met a guy I like I liked the first time in 4 yrs, maybe, I don't know, hypomania???? Completely crazy on him. Yeah, he eventually told me to get lost HURTS SO BAD, guilt overwhelming

[Love&Toil]

This is something I used to do a lot in the past... thankfully I am pretty much okay with this now. Instead I'll come online and look for an ear, I've learned from painful experience not to share too much with too many people... gulp...

Originally Posted by lacerta

At times when I'm manic I tend to send e-mails to all kind of government services with my complains or suggestions. I feel so ashamed afterwards, as I do enclose too much private informatin

Yeah, me too! I used to cause people to lose their jobs. Maybe they deserved to, and maybe not, but I was very embarrassed, too.

[GALAXYGAL]

Thank you for posting this. I have learned to write, save it, walk away from it for a couple of days and then either send it or delete it. I do go overboard every once in a while, but I am lucky enough to have a bipolar email buddy who does the same to me.

Originally Posted by GALAXYGAL

Thank you for posting this. I have learned to write, save it, walk away from it for a couple of days and then either send it or delete it. I do go overboard every once in a while, but I am lucky enough to have a bipolar email buddy who does the same to me.

Hi GalaxyGal, I wish I could do that! Do you have any good suggestions on how to discipline myself to do that? When I get bugged by something -- angry, worried, believe my feelings have been hurt or that someone has been rude to me, stuff like that -- I just worry my poor head off. I'm sure my b/f wants to leave me (he doesn't and wouldn't!), or that my sister hates me (she loves me, but she can be prickly sometimes. She has depressions, too). I call the hotline if it's the weekend, but that's not really very helpful.

[loophole]

I reopened my face book account and started completely going off about politics.. this lasted a good while.. probably 3 months off and on before I closed it again.. a bit embarrassing because alot of my in laws read it and my family... no one ever liked my posts or commented except for one person.. which fueled the fire even more. Found out later some people found it a bit odd.. I've done a ton more but that's one of the more less embarrassing

[CozyMellie]

Oh yeah I've been there I can get pretty obsessed sometimes. I don't think it's just a manic thing. I actually think theres many people who go through this at least one point in their lives. I think part of it is anxiety and panic and wanting to cling on to someone thinking they can rescue me or something. I was unconscious of it for a long time but overtime I've become more aware of it and try to be honest with myself and to someone else when I start obsessing.