[Arduous]

When I sit here & read some of your post, I think to myself.... that sounds just like me or I could have wrote that.
I love the fact that we understand each other on this site. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone with my problems.
Or that we know what the person is going through because we have actually felt that way at some point or another.
Like in the real world, I feel it seems nobody understands me, or can't sympathize with me because they just don't know, let alone understand what's going on in my head.
My husband is the only person that actually knows the real extent of my problems. My kids on the other hand.... they just know that mommy doesn't feel good again. They are older now, ages 12, 15 & 17 so it's not so hard now.
But I really wish I could be like all the other mothers out there. Have the energy to keep up with everything. And not feel bad with myself when it takes everything out of me just to get up & take them to an after school event.
I am so angry with myself because they are growing up and I feel as if I'm missing out on EVERYTHING!! I know that as long as they know I love them so much & I show them as much affection as I can that, that's all that matters...But it's not. I could do so much more... but I can't. I can't find it in me to motivate myself to be more. To do more, to make the most out of every moment. I really hate my problems because of this

But.... With this site I know I'm not alone. That there are others like me, and they know how I feel. I can talk honestly on here and not be judged and it's important to me to be able to do that. I feel as though I am two people. The first is what everyone else sees, or doesn't see. And the other is the real me. At home I am the real me, and out in the world I am the other person. The one that tries to be like everyone else. The one that covers up everything and puts on a fake smile so nobody knows how truly messed up I really am. It's so exhausting to try and be normal when I'm not home and I don't think I can do it for much longer.

I am so tired of everything. I'm tired of smiling when I feel nothing. I'm tired of people looking at me like I have two heads. I tired of hiding in my room when I'm so stinking angry at the world for how I am. I'm tired of missing out on being a great mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend. I'm just tired... And angry.

At least here on this site I can be me, the real me... I am glad that I have that at least.

[notALICE]

I feel so much the same! I can identify on here like nowhere else. I have kids your age too. I often feel so inadequate. At least I don't feel so alone. Thank you.

[Victoria'smom]

My kids on the other hand.... they just know that mommy doesn't feel good again. They are older now, ages 12, 15 & 17 so it's not so hard now.
They probably understand a lot more then you give them credit for.


But I really wish I could be like all the other mothers out there. Have the energy to keep up with everything. And not feel bad with myself when it takes everything out of me just to get up & take them to an after school event. Little unknown secret they're as messed up too in there own special way.

I am so angry with myself because they are growing up and I feel as if I'm missing out on EVERYTHING!! I know that as long as they know I love them so much & I show them as much affection as I can that, that's all that matters...But it's not. I could do so much more... but I can't. I can't find it in me to motivate myself to be more. To do more, to make the most out of every moment. I really hate my problems because of this

In the larger picture you haven't missed out on everything. Yes there are times that BP will get in the way of everything but so does finances, work schedule, sickness, general life and their own baggage for the general population. At least this is what I tell myself. I completely understand the feeling but realize we, especially on PC, are trying everything we can to not let our issues get in the way of our parenting. We know we have issues and try to make up for that which in general makes us better parents from the start. We're hard on ourselves because we want the best for our children and BP some times makes us feel inferior but we're not.

[Disorder7]

I really get the part about being tired and angry. I see my pdoc this afternoon to what what med to take next. A new med and new side effects.
And yes, I absolutely hate the way people look at you when you tell them you're bipolar. (Usually in medical situations when they ask what medications you are taking.)

But mainly I'm just tired.

[Arduous]

You're welcome. It's nice to know there's others out there

Reply to notALICE, forgot to hit quote.

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

My kids on the other hand.... they just know that mommy doesn't feel good again. They are older now, ages 12, 15 & 17 so it's not so hard now.
They probably understand a lot more then you give them credit for.


But I really wish I could be like all the other mothers out there. Have the energy to keep up with everything. And not feel bad with myself when it takes everything out of me just to get up & take them to an after school event. Little unknown secret they're as messed up too in there own special way.

I am so angry with myself because they are growing up and I feel as if I'm missing out on EVERYTHING!! I know that as long as they know I love them so much & I show them as much affection as I can that, that's all that matters...But it's not. I could do so much more... but I can't. I can't find it in me to motivate myself to be more. To do more, to make the most out of every moment. I really hate my problems because of this

In the larger picture you haven't missed out on everything. Yes there are times that BP will get in the way of everything but so does finances, work schedule, sickness, general life and their own baggage for the general population. At least this is what I tell myself. I completely understand the feeling but realize we, especially on PC, are trying everything we can to not let our issues get in the way of our parenting. We know we have issues and try to make up for that which in general makes us better parents from the start. We're hard on ourselves because we want the best for our children and BP some times makes us feel inferior but we're not.

I know nobody is perfect. Sometimes it's nice to wish to be normal. A lot less to deal with on top of every day things. It is what it is I suppose. It could always be worse, and I'm grateful for what I do have and blessed to have a loving and supportive husband and understanding kids

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by Disorder7

I really get the part about being tired and angry. I see my pdoc this afternoon to what what med to take next. A new med and new side effects.
And yes, I absolutely hate the way people look at you when you tell them you're bipolar. (Usually in medical situations when they ask what medications you are taking.)

But mainly I'm just tired.

Yay, a new med with more side effects... gets old huh?
I try to hide the fact that I'm bipolar, not that I'm ashamed, but because I'm tired of all the questions and everyone looking at you like you're going to freak out. It's going to happen right? Sigh...

[Me and my dog]

How long until the shame part goes away? Whenever I'm asked what's wrong my only reply is " I have a terrible headache". There's no need for words with that. Maybe I just dont want to explain the situation. Maybe I really CAN'T explain the situation. I feel embarrassed that I can no longer control my emotions like before and what the few people I do have in my life will think. smh...

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by Me and my dog

How long until the shame part goes away? Whenever I'm asked what's wrong my only reply is " I have a terrible headache". There's no need for words with that. Maybe I just don't want to explain the situation. Maybe I really CAN'T explain the situation. I feel embarrassed that I can no longer control my emotions like before and what the few people I do have in my life will think. smh...

Honestly I don't know. It's hard to not be able to be completely honest. I use the headache excuse a lot also. Gives me a usable excuse to go to my dark room and hide away. Better than being grouchy and snapping at everyone I suppose. I pushed everyone away in my life except for my husband and kids so I don't have to explain anything. Easier on me and everyone else that way I guess.

[pommybt]

Arduous , I read that as if I had written it myself. My only difference is I'm separated from my husband and he has custody of them for 6 months until mummy "gets better". Yes I need to find the right meds, yes they will help, but nothing actually cures BP. I can't work, I can't function it sucks. So I actually do feel I'm missing out on their growing up at the moment and the guilt is overwhelming. The real world as you say don't understand they might try to, but they don't. What goes through my mind is I have birth to these 3 gawjus children, 18, 12 and 10 year old, where am I? Not in their lives everyday, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to face and deal with.

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by pommybt

Arduous , I read that as if I had written it myself. My only difference is I'm separated from my husband and he has custody of them for 6 months until mummy "gets better". Yes I need to find the right meds, yes they will help, but nothing actually cures BP. I can't work, I can't function it sucks. So I actually do feel I'm missing out on their growing up at the moment and the guilt is overwhelming. The real world as you say don't understand they might try to, but they don't. What goes through my mind is I have birth to these 3 gawjus children, 18, 12 and 10 year old, where am I? Not in their lives everyday, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to face and deal with.

Well I know how that is. A long time ago I just up & packed by bags and took off. I barely saw my kids, their father was awarded temporary custody. That lasted for 4 years. I think about what I did & look back on my actions every day. My daughter lives with me now, she has for 10 years, but my son still lives with his father. I barely see him & that's his decision and I respect that. I think deep down he has never forgiven me
I think about it every day and the pain I feel for abandoning them never recedes. Even though my oldest was only 2 1/2 when that happened I know it changed him for the worse. He suffered because me & him were very close then I was gone. It eats me up inside, to the point that I can't take it. I try to make it up to them. But I betrayed my babies and to me, that's unforgivable.
I make the best of what I have, that's all any of us can do.

[notALICE]

Originally Posted by Arduous

I think about it every day and the pain I feel for abandoning them never recedes. Even though my oldest was only 2 1/2 when that happened I know it changed him for the worse. He suffered because me & him were very close then I was gone. It eats me up inside, to the point that I can't take it. I try to make it up to them. But I betrayed my babies and to me, that's unforgivable.
I make the best of what I have, that's all any of us can do.

Mom guilt is the absolute worst! I was not the most stable presence in my childrens lives & I know I caused damage. What's really strange is I know I probably wouldn't have had all my kids if I hadn't had BP. (Those quick emotional based decisions!)

A few of my kids have their own issues now that they are teens and so I'm trying not to wallow in guilt so I can be strong for them. I can't be good for them if I don't try to be good to myself.

It can't be changed. We can try to be better now. Try not to repeat the same mistakes.

Be kind and forgiving. You probably did the best you could at the time.
And yes, make the best of what you have now.

Hugs,

[lilypup]

You sound like I did years ago. I gave it up when I realized: my kids have a wonderful father (we have been married 28 years), other kids deal with all sorts of problems in their childhood, my bipolar is NOT my fault, my kids are happy.
During my "normal" times, I worked my butt off for my kids. During the down times, I did my best.
One of my kids has her masters. The other two are successfully in college. I have a close relationship with all of them. Things aren't perfect but they are what they are.

One thing I will say: I have stopped lying to everyone. If I can't attend something I will say "I am not feeling well, I'd love to come but I suffer from depression and it is hard to get out right now." My close friends all know about my bipolar. I am happier than I have ever been not to have to lie and feel shame.

[Fuzzybear]