[Red2014]

First,
I'd like to say thanks for even reading this.... I'm new to this whole thing, so please forgive me if this isn't even where this thread belongs.

Also, the feelings I bring up are all my own, I don't expect that anyone else has or has had them, so please don't take my intereptation of my life as an insult to having the same disease as I do. I'm just trying to figure all this out.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar 6 months ago.
I'm engaged to the most amazing man I've ever met, getting married Dec 26, 2014.

Since being diagnosed, I stayed on the medication for maybe a month.
The stigma attached to having bi-polar is daunting, so I've carried a lot of shame. I literally felt overwhelming shame and embarrassment waiting in the doctor's office and picking up the medication. I wouldn't even answer the doctor's office when they called, I just felt so judged even when it's possible I wasn't being judged. I feel defective, confused, overwhelmed, judged, mocked and I need some clarity. Let alone the fact I can't remember ANYTHING anymore, I'm distracted at work, I get angry so easily, I cry in my car at lunch sometimes, I mean I'm just a mess.

My fiance is the single most understanding person I've ever encountered yet, I still feel so much shame for not being able to manage my life like a normal person. I am telling him about my disease now- before the wedding, in case he doesn't want to marry me anymore (can't say I'd blame him). Although I know him and he will love me through the pain and shame I feel.

How do I juggle this? How can I get back to being a functional person? I've read books, but it just seems like someone talking about bi-polar not someone who has BEEN through it. Someone who is surviving bi-polar and thriving.

Advice, would be most appreciated!
Thanks.

[bluekoi]

Red2014, As being bipolar is not going to go away, you need to learn to manage it with therapy and medications. Therapy will help you learn not to be ashamed that you have a mental health illness. If you want to be fair to your fiancé, you need to help yourself.

[StayinAlive]

Sorry you're having such a hard time. Please don't worry that people here will be offended because you feel shame for having bipolar. I'll bet most of us can relate to that. There is stigma around mental illness, that's just the truth. Your feelings are totally understandable.

You do need to take care of yourself, as bluekoi said. Are you also feeling bad about the idea of getting therapy? I'm thinking it would help you deal with your feelings about the diagnosis. Are you taking your medication now? For me, the right meds were life-changing.

I hope you find some comfort and answers here.

[Jayv]

The only advice I can give is what's helping me. Find a great DR and Therapist. Get on meds and talk. It's a very long process and my meds are still being adjusted. Tell your Dr and therapist everything. I just started opening up and I can say it saved my life. My illness is far from being better . All the feelings are still there and I know they aren't real knowing doesn't make the feelings any less strong but I have faith that one day it will get better

[scattergories]

I so know how you feel. I was diagnosed ten years ago and I struggled to come to terms with it for a really long time. I felt like it was a weakness or a personality flaw and I would beat myself up over it for not being able to control it. I hated taking my medication. I went on and off of it so many times. The last time I went off of it I got so paranoid and almost lost my job. When I finally went back on my medication it was sort of like a revelation because it worked so well...I realized I DON'T have to feel like this. I still feel ashamed to tell people that I have it...sometimes I do but I still wonder how they are judging me because of it. Medication and therapy will really help you and I promise that it does get better. I've had mine under control for several years now (fingers crossed) and I never thought I could get to this point. I just got married, graduated from school and am starting a new career. I take my medication everyday now because I'm scared to lose all of the good things I have in my life now if I don't take it. Take care!

[mrsoc]

I went through this too. The right combination of meds (take them religiously) and a good doctor. We can function as a normal member of society. It's not always easy - but remember - knowing what is wrong was half the battle.

[~Christina]

Chances are you had Bipolar before you got the diagnosis. Who knows what knocked you off track and now your dealing with the muddy mess of Bipolar ... Try not to feel shame in this, I think you will find out on your own that Bipolar is just a part of you.

Finding a good Therapist will help you learn coping skills and help you move past the scarey feelings you have right now. You will indeed feel great again. Bipolar will not always play front and center of your daily life. Just takes time to find the right tools to even you out emotionally.

Theres nothing you could tell any of us that we havent lived through or heard before.

Welcome to PC I hope your able to find the support here to help you come to terms with Bipolar

[Red2014]

I truly appreciate all the kind words of advice and encouragement.
Last time I saw a doctor was when I was diagnosed and have since learned my lesson with not going.
So appointment set for next week and honestly it couldn't come soon enough.

My fiancé took the news with grace as expected so that's a huge weight off my shoulders.
I used to do yoga every single day as it would keep me grounded but when the depression hit this hard I couldn't even find the motivation for that. I got out of the house today and stopped by and paid my yoga dues. So I think with therapy, meds and a little time to myself at yoga I might pull out of this and be on a better path to managing this properly.

I was put on lithium last go at the doctors office, any thoughts on it?
Thanks again.

[mrsoc]

Lithium was not for me. I had zombie like side effects and much hair loss. This was just my personal experience - I've heard more than a few doctors say it is the "Gold Standard" of bi-polar meds. I personally have found Lamictal and Zolft to be most effective - for me anyway...

[WorkhorseDVM]

Hi, thank you for writing. I have just been diagnosed. Understand now I have been bipolar probably since my teens. I am relieved to know and it helps me to understand a lot but I also am scared and embarassed. Trying to get the meds right is freaking me out and I am kind of all over the place. My family, SO, and best friend are cool. Work is a long story, for real for no fault of mine, I am having to be very careful with everything so being up and down while figuring out what meds are for me is very frightening.

[bluekoi]

WorkhorseDVM, I'm glad you have a diagnosis and have started on medications. Work with your doctor. Together you will be able to get the meds right. You are fortunate to have the love and support of those most dear to you.

[Red2014]

Originally Posted by WorkhorseDVM

Hi, thank you for writing. I have just been diagnosed. Understand now I have been bipolar probably since my teens. I am relieved to know and it helps me to understand a lot but I also am scared and embarassed. Trying to get the meds right is freaking me out and I am kind of all over the place. My family, SO, and best friend are cool. Work is a long story, for real for no fault of mine, I am having to be very careful with everything so being up and down while figuring out what meds are for me is very frightening.

Looks like we are in the same boat. As you've seen I've cried in my car at lunch before many times.

But hey being in a boat figuring things out together is a lot better than by yourself. This place has helped out a ton. Let me know if you ever want to talk! I can't give any advice yet but I can always be someone to vent to.

[Red2014]

Originally Posted by mrsoc

Lithium was not for me. I had zombie like side effects and much hair loss. This was just my personal experience - I've heard more than a few doctors say it is the "Gold Standard" of bi-polar meds. I personally have found Lamictal and Zolft to be most effective - for me anyway...

Thanks Paula! Im starting with a new doctor as my old asked me what medication I wanted to be on...... Im not a doctor i have no idea. Lol

[WorkhorseDVM]

Originally Posted by Red2014

Looks like we are in the same boat. As you've seen I've cried in my car at lunch before many times.

But hey being in a boat figuring things out together is a lot better than by yourself. This place has helped out a ton. Let me know if you ever want to talk! I can't give any advice yet but I can always be someone to vent to.

I am female work mostly with females but they are less forgiving than the guys I work with. My boss is a great guy, his boss is a horrid woman. Have not and will not be telling any of them about bipolar. Only best friend knows. Cannot drive due to surgery so no car to escape to. And horrid woman is back in office this week. Really hoping I can be cool ...

[WorkhorseDVM]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

WorkhorseDVM, I'm glad you have a diagnosis and have started on medications. Work with your doctor. Together you will be able to get the meds right. You are fortunate to have the love and support of those most dear to you.

I am taking Lexapro, Topamax, and Abilify now. I had to stop my allergy meds and pain meds for my shoulder surgery due to interactions, which is frustrating since I have sleep apnea and the CPAP does not work well when I my sinuses feel like they are full of concrete.

Still a lot of anxiety and I am easily distracted. But better in some ways, getting work done, but useless at home. Sleep is +/-.

[bluekoi]

WorkhorseDVM, Anything your doctor can give you to help you sleep? I hope things settle down soon.

[WorkhorseDVM]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

WorkhorseDVM, Anything your doctor can give you to help you sleep? I hope things settle down soon.

I am to check in with her in a couple days, might put trazadone back in to help with sleep but it kinda made me manic before but that was just with Lexapro.

[WorkhorseDVM]

Originally Posted by Red2014

Looks like we are in the same boat. As you've seen I've cried in my car at lunch before many times.

But hey being in a boat figuring things out together is a lot better than by yourself. This place has helped out a ton. Let me know if you ever want to talk! I can't give any advice yet but I can always be someone to vent to.

How do you do chat? Both the group chat and "venting"

Well I was diagnosed 4 yrs ago. It took me going into a horrible psychosis to admit to it. I still am embarrassed about it and feel ashamed but mostly about the psychosis.

I think give it time. I've just had to learn through trial and error about what works for me and what doesn't. For me it's important that I take the meds as prescribed. I don't always do that but I'm trying. Exercise is excellent and eating healthy and self care techniques too.

Look into grounding techniques and guided meditations help me too. Recently I've been playing around with aroma therapy oils. Just keep trying, keep fighting. I hope the best for you.

[Tawnya20]

Hang in there. I was diagnosed 8 months ago and have gone through the same range of emotions you are. It took time to get my meds right. I was always nervous going to the psychiatrist and I dreaded talking to him. I attend a local support group and I just started sessions with a private counselor to help manage my moods. I've been pretty stable now over the last month, but, again, it took time.