Hate the middle, what is wrong with me

Went to see my Therapist yesterday and just basically stared at her, I am in a good place right now. No up no down just even Steven, and I HATE IT!!
What is wrong with me that I need all of the drama in my life, I want to be in one extreme or the other. My last mixed episode was bad, I almost cheated on my wife because I was in that manic everybody wants me phase and for some reason this actually works for me. Thankfully a good friend steered me away from that situation. I was delusional but was afraid to confront the conspirators for fear of capture. Then I went into a two week hole of stumbling through life in a pit of despair all the while great things are happening in my life(great new job)
I wonder what it is in my head that makes it necessary to have drama, I mean I used to be ok being "normal" at least for the short periods of it that I got. Now that my med cocktail is getting better I am having longer bouts of the middle. How does every body deal with that change?

BPII
Risperdal 1.25
Celexa 40mg -- Fighting to get off this one.
Klonopin 1 mg 3x daily
Lamictal- weaning up

You know you posed a really good question, one that I can relate too. I read your post a couple of times as it made me think about myself alot.

Its not the attention I want, although I know being either high or low gets me a level of support I really appreciate. Neither is it that I actually LIKE the drama of life or an episode.

For me I think normal is just plain boring. My medication concoction of anti psychs and mood stabilizers leaves me feeling just blah. Every day I awake to blah blah blah. I dont FEEL unless I am either high or low, life is emotionless , and I think for me, that is why I like the extremes. Oh how I wish I could be on a high more often, but no......just blah.

Don't know if that makes sense, but I know those around me much prefer me being blah to either high or low. So for their sake more than mine I stay blah.

I can relate to a certain degree...

I couldn't stand my highs and lows being muted while I was medicated, I never managed to be okay with living a watered down version of my life.

However, I don't mind the middle at all, I cherish it, I just can't stand my highs or lows being less than.

For me it isn't about being a drama addict or craving the attention, for me its about feeling foreign in my own skin, not recognizing the woman in the mirror.

Idk, I just didn't feel like myself with a smaller emotional range, guess I was simply unable to acclimatize, as my bipolarity has been an integral part of my life or as long as I can remember.

Maybe it's not the drama exactly that you're after, maybe it's the excitement that's alluring.

OP, you are singing my song. I'm in the middle of the longest period of remission I've had in years, and as much as I yearned for it when I was going through back-to-back mood episodes, I find normality rather boring. I don't like drama either, but I miss my hypomania and sometimes contemplate self-adjusting my meds to allow for it.

I don't do it, however, because my family and friends prefer me this way and it's easier on all of us when I'm stable. I also don't want to disappoint my pdoc, who is wonderful to me and truly cares about me. So I take my meds faithfully and live a life which, while not exciting, is acceptable to me in most ways.

Don't have time for a decent reply, but wanted to say I am right there with ya

I feel you...we just added cymbalta to my cocktail and it's working but making me not down but not up either. Hypomania can be a fun place to be but it has awful consequences.

So now as usual I am thinking about messing with my meds, I just looked at my evening dose and thought hmmmm. How typical of me.

I can relate to that oh so well...I have no idea who I am with the highs and the lows.and it scares me...I wish I could be high all the time but with the destruction that I cause...

I went to my therapist on Tuesday and felt stupid because I had nothing to say. I'm not up or down right now. I'm enjoying the relief I feel. Wondering when I may hit bottom again. I want to cancel therapy until I'm in crisis again, but my psychiatrist wants me to go to counseling regularly to manage the ups and downs. I'm feeling confused and tired of being sick.

I can so relate to where your coming from. I can have the week from hell before therapy, but get there and just dismiss everything thats happened because it doesn't seem "dramatic" enough to warrant talking about.

Still, I guess it doesn't make sense to wait til your in crisis to seek help....in the meantime seeing your therapist and doing the "small talk" will help you build rapport and trust for when/if things do get tough.

I am also drugged in the "middle" but am finding it hard to get up and out. Would love just a touch of energy. But no hypo. I have done the dumbest assed things while hypo.