Just need some support...

Hi. I'm a sad puppy a lot, lately. I'm depressed, with a layer on anxiety on top. I went to a new prescribing psychologist in the small rural town where I live, yesterday. It was my first visit to her, and she did the usual history. She rolled her eyes when i told her that my GP and my psychiatric nurse practitioner and agreed on a diagnosis of Bipolar I for me. She said that it was an overused diagnosis.
However, by the end of our session, she was changing my meds and wanting to ween me off of one of my anti-psychotics and onto lithium. My understanding [and I can certainly be wrong!] is that lithium is for bipolar, pretty much exclusively.
Today I feel more depressed and just confused. It is always hard for me when they start messing with my meds. I get a lot of fear about "what is this going to do to me?", "am I going to be able to sleep?", "will I get more depressed?" and so on. I don't know if other people feel this way or if it is just me.
I just started a new job, and already feel incredibly overwhelmed by the work. I'm an attorney, and feel like a fraud, trying to practice law when I am so sick. I feel patched together like a rag doll. I barely function at home, just sitting and crying.
I've read up on lithium and don't hold out much hope for it helping with my depression. I'm already on such a mess of drugs. The psychologist says she is worried about the anti-psychotic causing my anxiety. I'm more worried that I am going to give up and ..., well, give up.
I'm sorry that this is so long. Psych Central is my main life line any more. Thank god for all of you. Just reading the check in thread makes me feel a tiny bit connected to other people...I know that sounds weird. I worry about you guys, too.
I'm not a bad person. But I feel like I must be, on some molecular level, to feel the way I do.
Thanks for listening. I know things have got to get better. I hope they do.

Aw...hugs! Am feeling really down myself or would have more to offer. I was a school principal during one of my severe depressions. Hardest thing I ever faked. Am thinking of you.

I identify with feeling like a fraud when so depressed. I'm a teacher and I started the school year depressed and I feel like I was just a shell sittig at the desk all the time, doing easy lessons because I didn't want to deal with much resistance from the kids. One of the kids commented that I never smile, and another (who has known me for three years) commented that I looked so sad all the time and wanted to give me a hug. Yup, I definitely felt like a fraud!

I guess this new pdoc must agree with bipolar because lithium is a bipolar drug. Do you want to be switched to lithium? Is it to try to combat your depression? I've heard that lithium works better for mania than depression. When I was on it I was totally spaced out and flat - didn't feel anything at all.

I hope you feel better soon! I'm starting to feel a little better after months of depression so it is possible!

Hope you feel better soon. I think many of us can say we know what you feel when you state you feel like a fake. Many of us have jobs that require a good face. My boos asked me the other day why he has never seen me depressed. He found out about my bi polar through harassment and pushing. I told him I am very good at putting on a face. Little did he know I was extremely depressed the day he said that. I work with people all day and try and hide my mood. I have been called rigid, up tight, and disconnected. If they really knew what was going on in my flipping head they would probably go insane. I feel that way at times. I am sure you are who you are and are good at what you do. I like to think I am. That does not make us fake, makes us strong enough to continue living with this curse. (Sorry if I offend anyone). That is what I feel about bi polar. Rattled on enough. Hope this helps.������

I'm so sorry yr struggling so much right now...yr not a fraud by any means. You are brave to be in a career that demands so much detail. I could never do that so kudos to you. It's always scarey changing med providers. I love my pdoc but recently he said he couldn't help me with any med changes. Well it landed me in the hospital and then to the hospitals iop program. Needless to say I saw the pdoc there and she finally helped get me on a new med. We tried a few but this last one totally stabilized my depression. I'm on alot of meds as it is. I'm bp2 and just started cymbalta. I tried lithium and it did nothing for my depression. I kept trying to tell her that I needed a new anti depressant and she finally listened. I'm not trying to just talk about myself...I'm trying to convey that I understand how hard it is to change meds especially when yr not feeling stable as it is. It doesn't sound weird at all that you feel connected here...we're all here for eachother. :-) please pm me anytime...I hope you do. Depression is so hard and luckily you don't have to do it alone. Things will get better trust me. I was where you are for almost the last two years until I started the cymbalta. It's only been two weeks and I'm feeling better everyday. Please keep the faith. I'd love to be here for you. Hugs

Regarding feeling like a fake at work: many years ago I was new in my career and had been promoted to being a manager. In a meeting with my (awesome) boss one day, I told her I sometimes felt like I didn't know what I was doing. This woman is one of the most competent, well respected people I have ever known. She looked at me and said, "you think I always know what I'm doing?" I was shocked to learn that she did not. She just did her best and figured it out as she went along.

When I feel like a fake at work, I often remember that conversation. I know things are much harder with mental illness. But, I don't think everyone we work with is necessarily more competent than us, or that we are faking our competence. If we are getting through the day and getting our work done, that is real.

I hope this makes sense.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, Hopeful Camel. Hang in there!

SA

We are all unique. What meds work for some, don't work for others. I was on lithium this past year. Flat flat mood. Recently been discovered my thyroid is now totally non functional and I'll be on thyroid medication for life. See you were on Saphris. That AP didn't do much for me. I found Seroquel a better one. I guess my point is sometimes it does take trial and error to find out what meds work best for you. I'm now starting on Lamatrogine. In some of my darkest days at work I learnt to fake a smile- especially at senior management- with a "cheerful" Good morning how are you. If only they all REALLY knew how I actually felt at the time. Crap hiding behind the walls.