I feel so alone. I need help

I have never reached out to other Bipolar people before, but i feel so alone. I have been in a depression for the last 4 months. My last one lasted over a year. I am confused and I don't trust my mind. I feel like my spouse is going to leave me all the time even though there is no reason for me to think that.

I am getting my doctorate and I work in healthcare. I feel like it's all going to slip away. The love of my life, my job, and school. I am barely making it to work and my school work is suffering.

I have no friends. I realized that I have lived in this city for 16 years and I can't hold on to any friends for very long. I am afraid of people right now.

My Psych MD is good but nothing is working. I am on lithium again but it hasn't kicked in. Nothing works and I just feel like a chemical waste dump being pumped full of psych meds.

I don't know what to do. I have to constantly act like I am ok. At work I go to the bathroom and cry and then come out like everything is fine. It takes so much effort. I am tired...
Any suggestions?

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I can relate due to being in a certain field of work. I always put a face on so no one knows what I am feeling. I a, lucky that I have found a few close friends that I can trust and know I am bipolar. A few are bipolar as well. Never realized till my pdoc told me once that ppl with bipolar seem to attract others. Thought he was full of it. Since that time, I have found quite a few and it is strange that they are the ppl I get along with the most. I cannot give advice on relationships because I have not been to good with them. I seem to pick ppl sicker then I am and does not seem to last. I have been blessed that my relationships last a while though and I have to be willing to accept that. No choice. Being honest, aware, and good communication is the only thing I can share at this time. I can tell you I go through long phases of not trusting anyone. Most of the time I have trust concerns, but try and accept them for what they are and not put to much power behind the feeling. Not sure this helps you, but I hope you feel better. If not, try some DBT. It works for me.

I can relate totally to what you said. I have been in a depression ranging from mild to severe since June. No meds seem to help. Work is a nightmare. I also cry in the bathroom or sometimes in my social worker's office (I am a special ed teacher and every classroom has a social worker) when she is not there. But I have to go back out and pretend everything is ok.

I am also in school as well which just adds to the stress. I knew doing school and work was going to take me down but I didn't have a choice if I wanted to keep my job. Now I really wouldn't care if they fired me.

The only thing I suggest is do what I do every day which is take some time for yourself. Reward yourself for getting through the day since it was much harder for you than most other people. I try to remember to do this.

Just know you're not alone. I feel your pain. I hope our depressions do not last a year this time.

You didnt mention if you see a Therapist? If you don't find one, they can help you process how your feeling and maybe learn some ways to cut yourself a break. Gawd knows we all beat ourselves down at times.

Welcome to PC I hope you will find support that will help you and remind you that you are not alone

My heart goes out to you. I recognized myself in your note. It is hard to have to hold yourself together when you are depressed and can't get relief. I agree with the writer above, who said to take time for yourself each day and to be good to yourself. I would go so far as to say to indulge yourself. Whatever gives you happiness, indulge in it. If you are in a doctoral program [which I have done, myself] you are already under an enormous amount of stress.
I find that writing positive affirmations helps me. Sometimes it is really hard to do, but it is a good exercise and it does help. Then, when you are feeling really low, you can re-read them. I hope you start feeling better soon. You sound like a phenomenal person. Keep reminding yourself of that fact.

Thank you all so much for responding to me. It's so nice to know you are out there. I am glad someone understands how I feel. I cried all day then went to night school pretending I had really bad allergies (I looked horrible). Now I am gearing up to go to work tomorrow where I will need to take care of very sick patients. I am trying to hang in there. I feel like I have lost so many hours and days crying and feeling like a waste of a person.
I will take your advice and go to the spa after work. And maybe I will eat a salad instead of pop tarts and cheerios. I think I can do it.... Thanks you guys.

Hi MujerTriste,

You've already gotten some great suggestions to work with. Rather that give more-- because I think the folks above covered it pretty well-- I just want to say how glad I am you reached out to this group. Here you don't have to constantly act like you're ok. Here you can talk to others who really get what you're going through. Here you can get someone (me in this case) to remind you that you're not a waste of a person-- that's your illness talking. I'm sending you some positive energy to remind you that you are worthy.

all the best,
Randy