[BlackSheep79]

Do you feel like the uncertainty of not knowing when an episode will occur holds you back in life, as far as your goals?

I have a B.S. and an M.S. and I have a great job, but it only requires a high school diploma and is not in my field. Yeah the economy has not helped, but I feel like I don't push myself to do extra activities to add to my resume to increase my chances of getting a job in my field because I'm scared. I'm on intermittent FMLA and I always end up on Medical Leave every year. Just recently I missed 2 1/2 months because I completely lost it. I'm not reliable, and if I want to go into my field I need to be reliable because my position will require this. I was diagnosed 7 years ago, and it seems like the meds work for awhile and then they have to be tweaked or I have to go on new ones. Also, I battle OCD and GAD as well that adds a tremendous amount of stress at work. I feel like I can't even handle this job, how can I handle one in my field.

Does anyone experience this? We never know when we are going to cycle out of control. Is it fair for us to let this disease completely take over our lives? NO, but sometimes I feel like it really does no matter how hard I try to not let it consume me, but it is something that we all have to face everyday. I'm reminded every morning when I get to open my shoebox that has all of my medicines and take my medications, and then at night the same thing. And then the days I call in and say to my boss "Sorry I won't be in today, it will be FMLA" and know that I let my co-workers down because they get to pick up the slack because I'm not there, but I just can't go to work and put that fake smile and win an Emmy Award today. Or when I'm at work and I just can't stop talking and bouncing around from subject to subject, and I know in my head at the moment here we go with the hypo mania. I can't move forward in my field of study when I'm acting this way. I faithfully go to my pdoc and do the therapy, but it's been medicine after medicine. Will there ever be stability so I can trust that I can be successful in what I dreamed about and worked so hard for? Can anyone relate?

BP1/OCD/GAD

Lamictal 400mg
Xanax ER 1mg am and pm
Propranolol 10mg am and pm
Topomax 50mg
Seroquel 300mg

[kaliope]

thankfully, I am stable now, but I know exactly what you are talking about. I hated that about my life being a rapid cycler. I didn't feel like I could get anywhere in life because I never knew where I was going to be. after I finally graduated college I had to take my licensing exam. I paid for it, went to set it all up but then went into a mania with psychosis. so I canceled it. everytime I went to reschedule it, I felt another cylcle coming on and it was like, im not going to do well if I am sick. finally after nine months I just scheduled it knowing I was never going to be ok and I just had to take the test come what may.

but stability is possible. I have been stable for years now. a hypo now and then, once twice a year, nothing unmanageable. one major mania when pdoc put me on Zoloft. I just kept pushing my pdocs into changing the meds until we found the right ones. I refused to settle for just ok. I wanted those cycles gone.

[Curious651]

I try not to think about the changes. If I did that I would be all screwed up. I push through mood changes with as little affect as possible. When working I typically have mind on work and that helps. I cannot say what you should do. All of can say is if you like your current job and they working with ya. Perhaps you should consider that. Sometimes we see the grass on other side and it is not what we thought we seen.

[jack123]

I definitely relate. I have decided I can not handle the stress of nursing any longer with this disorder. Currently on disability which is far from my salary but enough to get by. I have severe social anxiety at this time. My Dr is making me volunteer so I am going to try with humane society. Animals don't judge you. I have lost family and friends. Have poor support system so I read what others have to say on here to see if I can more information. Its the best I can do right now.

[Katieissweet]

It's really sad that you feel you need to make your creative brain that bounces from subject to subject into some sort of left brained coordinated order,there is immense value in the irrational and in the creative mind and in mania.stop trying to subdue it in order to fit into this systemised and overtly ordered world.

Originally Posted by BlackSheep79

Do you feel like the uncertainty of not knowing when an episode will occur holds you back in life, as far as your goals?

I have a B.S. and an M.S. and I have a great job, but it only requires a high school diploma and is not in my field. Yeah the economy has not helped, but I feel like I don't push myself to do extra activities to add to my resume to increase my chances of getting a job in my field because I'm scared. I'm on intermittent FMLA and I always end up on Medical Leave every year. Just recently I missed 2 1/2 months because I completely lost it. I'm not reliable, and if I want to go into my field I need to be reliable because my position will require this. I was diagnosed 7 years ago, and it seems like the meds work for awhile and then they have to be tweaked or I have to go on new ones. Also, I battle OCD and GAD as well that adds a tremendous amount of stress at work. I feel like I can't even handle this job, how can I handle one in my field.

Does anyone experience this? We never know when we are going to cycle out of control. Is it fair for us to let this disease completely take over our lives? NO, but sometimes I feel like it really does no matter how hard I try to not let it consume me, but it is something that we all have to face everyday. I'm reminded every morning when I get to open my shoebox that has all of my medicines and take my medications, and then at night the same thing. And then the days I call in and say to my boss "Sorry I won't be in today, it will be FMLA" and know that I let my co-workers down because they get to pick up the slack because I'm not there, but I just can't go to work and put that fake smile and win an Emmy Award today. Or when I'm at work and I just can't stop talking and bouncing around from subject to subject, and I know in my head at the moment here we go with the hypo mania. I can't move forward in my field of study when I'm acting this way. I faithfully go to my pdoc and do the therapy, but it's been medicine after medicine. Will there ever be stability so I can trust that I can be successful in what I dreamed about and worked so hard for? Can anyone relate?

BP1/OCD/GAD

Lamictal 400mg
Xanax ER 1mg am and pm
Propranolol 10mg am and pm
Topomax 50mg
Seroquel 300mg

[BlackSheep79]

Originally Posted by Katieissweet

It's really sad that you feel you need to make your creative brain that bounces from subject to subject into some sort of left brained coordinated order,there is immense value in the irrational and in the creative mind and in mania.stop trying to subdue it in order to fit into this systemised and overtly ordered world.

I find that there is no immense value in driving my co-workers up the wall because my brain is all over the place and I continuously talk going from one subject to another. I use my creativity thru my musical talent. Not to offend anyone, but I hate mania. I see no positive side to it for me. I hate the mental and physical feeling and how I affect others around me. So only people that experience mania are superior in creativity and "normal people" have none?

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by BlackSheep79

So only people that experience mania are superior in creativity and "normal people" have none?

Nobody said that anywhere on your thread... Maybe respond to what is written instead of what you perceived to be written, and you'll see the member was merely empathizing with you for having to force yourself into left brained organized normalcy.

Lucky for you, the empathy isn't needed as you prefer what the shoebox of meds bring, as opposed to the chaos that the BP brings.


It's all good.


Now back to your thread topic perhaps...


I don't find it holds me back from doing what I want, so much as it's slowing me down.


I micromanage my stress these days to avoid, divert or decrease episodes, which makes working trickier than in previous years because I'm suddenly very picky about the jobs I apply for.

All the while looking out for my niche, or rather looking for ways to create it.

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by jack123

I definitely relate. I have decided I can not handle the stress of nursing any longer with this disorder. Currently on disability which is far from my salary but enough to get by. I have severe social anxiety at this time.

This. ^^

I had to retire from clinical nursing late last year for the same reason. I have since filed for disability and know my standard of living will be nothing compared with what it used to be, but there's nothing I can do about it. I am simply too inconsistent---I take on too many duties when I'm manic, and then can't do much of anything when I crash into depression. The longest I've ever been at one job was 33 months; the last two were 6 months and not quite 4 months.

On top of it all, I'm 55 and nobody wants to hire older workers. Legally they can't discriminate but they'll find a gazillion other reasons not to hire us. Then throw in a little bipolar and I'm virtually unemployable, not that I ever disclose that in interviews. I think hiring managers can smell the fear and desperation. LOL

Definitely! It has my entire life, except now I finally know why. That's why I have never been a goal planner or a planner for anything. Who knows where my mind will be at 5 minutes from now to plan something next week. And if I did/do, battling the anxiety mixed with hypo just ruins it.

[Mimielam]

When I look back in time. when I was younger and entering the work force without any diagnosis..nothing could stop me..and when I had a crisis, I would just start over, find another job it was easy. With time and mostly when I really started to try working in my field..my crisis, sick leaves made it harder for me to go for what I wanted even if I had a diploma. Eventually I just could not work and lost confidence and being off for so long just made it harder to find work..so I went back to school..to a lower level..something I could learn just to get a job..and I got a job that is boring when I'm feeling good and challenging when I'm feeling lousy. so I guess it is stopping me..but if I had the possibility of working field..that is what I really like doing and if able to be hired by being honest on some kind of program that would allow me to keep my job if I needed time off for illness then yes I'd go for it and I'd make sure my coworkers understood that when on sick leave it's not because I want to make it hard for them. It's because I have no choice sometimes. so for now..at my age, I'll just go to work and hope I'm able to keep this job and do the things I like on my time.

[BlackSheep79]

[QUOTE=Trippin2.0;4058867]Nobody said that anywhere on your thread... Maybe respond to what is written instead of what you perceived to be written, and you'll see the member was merely empathizing with you for having to force yourself into left brained organized normalcy.

Lucky for you, the empathy isn't needed as you prefer what the shoebox of meds bring, as opposed to the chaos that the BP brings.




It's all good.


So let me get this straight. I don't deal with any chaos from BP because I'm on medications? Sorry I didn't write a novel about my life
, nor do I care to. The shoebox of medications represents a small reminder of the BP for me everyday. Do you have a problem with people on medications? And as far as empathy goes, I have never asked for empathy from anyone, nor will I ever.

Small suggestion for you. Luckily I'm of a sound stable mind right now, but you may want to watch what you say because you never know what someone is going thru, especially on a mental illness forum.

But you know it's all good

[Blitter2014]

My life has only recently fallen apart again. Bipolar for me has cost me a marriage, my family and a business. I have just last month lost my second business and we are now fighting to keep our house. I'm back where I was 10 years ago. And then five years before that. Right from being a teenager I have hidden from life, then achieved, then crashed and burned.This is the third time in 10 years that financially I have lost almost everything due not to mismanagement but to my not being able to work. Besides the rapid cycling I find a life pattern of larger cycles which have dominated my life. I find I get back on my feet after a depressive crash only to become confident and take on more than I can handle. Both physically and mentally. Then the stress starts building, ultimately in a crash. Then the whole cycle starts again.

I'm over it. But what do you do. You cannot afford to give up. They say there is no shame where there is no choice, but for me thats not the case. Try having to explain to your wife and child we have to sell everything again because dads had a mental breakdown. (what the gp said not my pdoc ). The shame might be self inflicted but nonetheless it hurts the same.

Bipolar. The monkey on my back I share my existence with.


Hugs

[RustbeltRoyalty]

This is a good topic. At this point, I'm not sure if it's the bp holding me back, or the bad coping mechanisms I've adapted along the way are what's to blame. I'm very low-functioning..no degree, no driver's licence, history of short-lived jobs. It's hard not to be a bit envious of the higher-functioning people with bipolar. (Although I recognize the fact that being high-functioning comes with it's own set of challenges and this is not a competition.)
If anything, it's anxiety that holds me back the most. I'm still trying to figure out if the anxiety is co-morbid with the bp, or part of it's symptoms.

[Pikku Myy]

Yes, as far as career related goals Afraid to take on projects for the fear of stress. Controlling stress is my no. 1 priority.

[EJB5565]

I too feel BP is holding me back. After losing my last two jobs due to mania I'm now on disability. I have had to just learn to accept it. I guess be glad you found a job that gives you the ability for time off to deal with your illness. I am so scared of spiraling out of control I don't even feel I can trust myself to live on my own. I feel at nearly 50 it is one heck of a kick in the confinedence depart to not feel you can live alone because you are scared of this illness. Good luck finding your peace with it all I know it is a struggle.

[CozyMellie]

I think it has for me. Some days are so unbearable I have to miss work. Makes me think I will never advance in my career. I've always been ahead of my class, the youngest to graduate, the first with an early start in my career halfway through college. I was really on the fast track..but with the episodes getting harder and severe than the last, well, I feel like I am falling behind from the pack. It's hard to see the same people I started with at the assistant level now in director positions. The work I do is very high stress and to advance would undoubtably take all of my time and create more stress. I used to think I had no limits but this disorder has brought me down to reality and it sucks. I hate the fact that stress affects me more intensely than my colleagues. I just have to remind myself to do the best I can and to take care of myself.

[Tucson]

Most definitely.i have been at the pinnacle of my career just to fall flat on my face for years. My episodes have become worse over time. I had two prestigious jobs that I failed miserable at doe to my BP. That is when I went on disability and have been on it for 15 years. No chance for me to go back to my previous career.

[EJB5565]

Originally Posted by Tucson

Most definitely.i have been at the pinnacle of my career just to fall flat on my face for years. My episodes have become worse over time. I had two prestigious jobs that I failed miserable at doe to my BP. That is when I went on disability and have been on it for 15 years. No chance for me to go back to my previous career.

I see you say you have been on disability for 15 years. I would like to ask a few questions? How do you keep your mind and spirit occupied without risking losing your disability status i.e. job, volunteering, etc.? I understand they can disqualify you from disability. I have found myself really lost with the loss of career and feeling no sense of self worth. Have you maintained a longterm relationship with a Pdoc as part of your care and re-qualification process?
Thanks

I completely relate. I had a back injury and quit working. Then when I went into that psychosis I have changed so much. I'm not able to work. I still feel very ashamed that I have this illness. I struggle with everyday things.

I do think hopefully I can eventually go back to work, but at this time I'm unable. I completely understand.

Originally Posted by sunshine1995

I completely relate. I had a back injury and quit working. Then when I went into that psychosis I have changed so much. I'm not able to work. I still feel very ashamed that I have this illness. I struggle with everyday things.

I do think hopefully I can eventually go back to work, but at this time I'm unable. I completely understand.

Wow. I had/have a back injury. Got real depressed fighting it, and quit job. Started depression treatment and gained easier employment within a month. During 9 months on job, I asked to be relieved of one aspect of job a couple of times due to back. Then major paranoia hit me they would fire me because of not being able to perform duties. So I left for another job with easier physical duties. Shortly afterwards, I would up in emergency hospital for ocd.

Long story short, after all that, I completely ignored all mental and medical care for a decade. Now I'm bipolar, bad back still, anti social, and unemployed. I absolutely hate the world of hell called retail. My swings can make me hard to get along with, beligerent at times, and a lot of other things that I hate.

That's it. Sometimes I hate myself for making poor decisions, and doing things to bring all of this upon myself. What did I do to piss God off so badly?

[gubernova]

Bipolar Disorder is a chronic illness. It does hold you back because you have to be prepared for the onset of it's different phases. I have a great support group and have developed ways of coping when the "crap hits the fan." Unfortunately medication and treatment can't make you "normal." You will always have triggers, especially when stress hits. I was doing very well then all of a sudden I developed extreme anxiety and mania because I moved out of my home to live with my future wife. There are just certain things that will always trigger an episode and there are just somethings you can't do.

[venusss]

The only thing that slows me down is myself. And I am working on that