I don't know

I find myself wishing for an accident so I can be out of commission but I won't do anything to myself. That's how I know I am sick again.

I long for a real person to just hold me and make me safe. The only relationships I have are digital and people who get paid to care like my Therapist. I have my children who love me, but I can't ask them to be my safe harbor. I am theirs.

My parents only care because if I get sick they don't get to live their lives.

I don't have a best friend who I can confide in because if I share too much she gets angry. She is fun to be around but only when I live up to her expectations.

I don't know what I am talking about.

I just want someone to hold on to me and take care of me.

Sorry for being such a... I don't know.

I am so sad. I hate the pain.

I want to sleep forever, or until it goes away.

What am I talking about. I am losing myself again.
Help.

You see the warning signs that you are not well at the moment.

We all have a basic need for love and acceptance. You have realistic thoughts when you think you want someone to be in a relationship with, it's a natural need. The first priority should be for you to get better first. You need coping skills to help you take care of yourself first before you can rely on a significant other to share the load with you and pick you up when you are down.

I'm sorry you're in pain right now.

I could have written your post word for word a couple of weeks ago. I slipped really fast into deep depression. I don't know what I could have done to prevent the slip, but I do know that I went to the local DBSA meeting today and got such a feeling of relief in the community of real life people who totally get it and are not judging. I'd highly recommend you try that and potentially call your doc. Once I slipped I needed to add meds to get me back up.

Hang in there. I agree, you need to be reviewed to stop this sliding down. Sorry you are in so much torment right now.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. For quite a few weeks recently I thought constantly about driving my car off the road so I could get hurt and be in the hospital and take a break from the world. I think the main reason I didn't do it is because I was afraid it would mess my face up and I didn't want that.

Then last week I was on the couch with a heavy depression and all thoughts of accidents were gone. I was so lethargic the thought of hurting myself seemed like too much work.

Now, since Friday, I have been super happy and productive.

This cycling makes me so tired. What you are feeling right now will fade away and better feelings will come. We have to just keep reminding ourselves of that.

Please know you are not alone and if you were here I would wrap you in a big hug ((hugs))

I just heard someone talking about someone who was unhappy at this company and she said, "Hey, the way I see it is if you aren't happy, life's too short. Go get happy."

It was all I could do not to grab my bag and walk out.

Not going to make it.

I hate when people say things like that. "you gotta live life to it's fullest"...etc etc etc. Stupid sayings that make those of us who aren't in a good place feel even worse about ourselves.

What type of job do you have?

I am an editor.

I don't have friends either. Hang in there!

Just found out a co worker gave her notice. If I quit, that will be half the department. What do I do now?

I think staying is better, for now, but in the long run, can you editing out of your home as a freelancer? Maybe that would suit you better - being your own boss. Is that an option?

Maybe at some point... The pressure I feel is because I lose my SSDI in a couple of months if I stay and then if I were too sick to work I would lose my home. I was thinking I could leave and collect my benefits while I build a business slowly.

I totally understand. I've felt the same way. Just want to be out of commission or sleep for days till it goes away. It seems everlasting but it passes. I know it feels hopeless right now like you don't even remember what it felt like when you were well but it passes. If it doesn't soon I'd tell your dr. Hang in there.

If I am not mistaken... when you lose SSDI, you have some years during which you are entitled to being fast-tracked if you get sick again. You won't need to apply again from scratch.

But if there is the risk of losing your home, then it is safer to quit citing illness. Just make sure it is well documented that you quit because of illness and not casually. And then you will be back on SSDI and have a safety net to build your business slowly. You will be showing losses in the beginning of building the business anyway, so you could continue on SSDI while building the business and be all right.