[eina]

I am currently unmedicated.

I have been diagnosed bipolar 2 by four different doctors but I just can't stop being in denial about it. I feel guilty, like I'm lying every time I talk about being diagnosed with it, like I don't deserve the title or I cheated during diagnosis or something. My hypomania (if that's what it is) comes for a week or two every few months and is almost always dysphoric or is more like an agitated depression. I have severe depressive episodes as well but my 'normal' mood still shows a lot of depressed traits- no motivation, poor self esteem, tired a lot, etc so it's sometimes difficult to distinguish when an actual depression is starting. I also have general anxiety and crippling social anxiety and chronic derealization, so no matter how my mood is I am really detached and lonely and don't leave the house very often (no job, no friends, no school, etc.) So what keeps happening is that I will feel like I'm absolutely losing my mind for a week or two and then I'll go back to 'normal' or depressed for awhile and basically be like, "obviously I'm not bipolar, I just have major depression and anxiety and had a weird week." My mom does this too, she doesn't really believe I'm bipolar either and every time I pop back to my norm she thinks see she's fine it was just a fluke and I don't know what to believe.

Does this happen to anyone else? How do you deal with it? Am I even wrong? I just feel so lost.

[CANDC]

Bipolar is something my friend tried to treat unmedicated and it got scary for me to be there because there could be a loss of contact with what was going on. Until medication was tried that work (took 4-5 different meds to find one that work Cymbalta now in a generic) plus other meds.
The best thing that happened was to find a compassionate pdoc that could spend time and hang in there for the long run. the first couple were not suitable. If it weren't for medicine don't know where I would be now or where my friend would be.
The pdoc that got things undercontrol was less confident in one diagnosis and more open to find medication that would put things back on an even track.
For me, keeping myself exercising every day (yoga, walking, calisthenics) and eating a high protein low carb diet have helped me find a stable course. Mindfulness has helped keep possible crises from blowing up. There are articles about this on PC. Here are some of them
Psych Central - Search results for Mindfulness
You ask Am I even wrong?
I don't know enough if you are wrong or not, but would you agree that you are trying to diagnose your condition which even medical doctors find difficult.
I think you know something is wrong, but I don't see any things you know how to try. Maybe it is time to say to a psychiatrist. This is what is happening to me. Can you try some medications that may move me toward a more stable lifestyle?
Then see what the pdoc suggests. If you try it for a couple days or a week and you seem to be getting worse, call the pdoc and say this is getting worse. What else can we try.
When you feel lost, it is time to get help. It does not mean you can't make lifestyle changes like the exercise or mindfulness, but those alone may not be fast enough to get you back to a stable situation. That is why meds may be an important part of the mix.

[Megaera]

I'm newly diagnosed and I know how you feel. I don't want this diease. I want to be normal. I am on meds that somewhat work but the mania comes every week for days. I had to stop college and I want to go back once my meds are under control. Everyone says to just accept it, this is your life. Stay home and go on disability. I'm not ready to accept that my life is over. When I try to read about it, I can't stand it. I think we can still have a life even with this disease. I'm not ready to to give up.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi eina, thank you for sharing this with us.

I think being diagnosed by different dr could likely mean that you are bp.

It is entirely your choice as to how you deal with this.

You can choose to take meds or you can choose not to take meds.

But ask yourself - how is this working for me?

Don't worry about what others think about your diagnosis - that's their business - not yours.

What you've been describing seem like real episodes. I don't believe you've lied to get this diagnosis or twisted anything. You've merely told it as it is.

Do you see a therapist that you can discuss this with?

[Curious651]

i believe it is normal to be in denial about the dx. From reading posts I know you and I are not the only ones that don't want to accept this. I can state what was told to me. "The more you fight it, the more you will feel really bad and struggle". I believe it sine I trust that person. That is a big statement for me because I trust no one. Dx does not define you, it helps treat you. You are who you are no matter what dx is in there. I can state this as well, if it is bp as dx. It will get worse with age if untreated. If I understand correctly, the sooner treated the better for you. I do not take meds, but I am treated and use DBT as well as learning about other techniques. It helps to be able to control sleep, eat, exercise, schedule, etc to stay off meds. If that is not something you can do, perhaps need to look at meds. Wish you the best.

[Disorder7]

I was in denial, too, for a long time. I just thought I had depression and anxiety. I didn't realize anxiety is a frequent trait of bipolars. I didn't realize that mania can be in the form of extreme irritability and not happiness.

As one therapist so eloquently put it, "oh, you're the mean bipolar."

I've been diagnosed as bipolar 1 with mixed episodes by two psychiatrists and one psychologist.
In my case, it is what it is.

[Mountainbard]

You're facing some difficult issues, eina. I have bipolar II, and it took me a while to accept the diagnosis. Once I did though, and got on the right combination of meds, my life improved dramatically. I'm stable for the first time in 40 years. My hypomanic episodes did not have the agitation yours do, but I don't struggle with anxiety. From your overall description of your mood experience, I'd say you most likely do have bipolar II. Four different doctors seem to agree. Maybe you could give meds a try and see how they work for you? If they do, great. If not, nothing ventured nothing gained.

[Turtlesoup]

Hi eina-I think you might be a little freaked out & hung up on the diagnosis itself-what is really important IMHO is managing whatever symptoms you are having that are causing an interruption in your life. There are many ways you can do this including taking excellent physical care of yourself, good diet, surrounding yourself with positive supportive people, etc. Taking meds & actively engaging in therapy are other tools many of us use to offset our symptoms & help us live our lives. I think you will find a lot of excellent support here & I also urge you to become educated about what your doctors believe is going on with you & the symptoms you say you are having. I can tell you from my experience it sucks to be handed a bunch of diagnoses but you can get healthy & strong & live an awesome life. Do I still go through crappy periods? Yes but I feel my issues are just a part of who I am-I am many other things as well-a fun loving, caring, talented person who happens to have mental illness. Please feel free to reach out here & to others who can help you.

[eina]

Every time I post here I'm just overwhelmed by the amount of support, you guys are amazing. Thank you so much.

My therapist doesn't agree with the bipolar assessment, she works at a holistic center and tends more towards emotional roots of issues than physical causes so I am a little uncomfortable bringing it up to her.

I do have a psychiatrist that I really like but I'm honestly terrified to try meds. I've been given a few different prescriptions by various doctors but have never filled them. I was on SSRI's for most of my adolescence and they were a terrible experience, I'm also really sensitive to side effects and generally get them pretty strongly. I think I've developed a bit of a phobia to be honest, and that plus the denial of diagnosis has been making it hard for me to take the plunge.

But it is true that I can't live like this. So I'm just going to go in and be really honest about my hangups to my pdoc and see if she can help assuage my fears a bit, even if I feel silly doing it.

[Crazy Hitch]

Don't worry. I saw a T once upon a time who though bp was just a label thrown around by pdocs and sort of ignored the diagnosis completely. Didn't last very long with her!

All meds come with side effects and everyone reacts differently to them. But your pdoc will be keeping a close eye on you and working with you to find out what works and what doesn't.

You have nothing to lose.

[hamster-bamster]

So many things at once!

I would track moods on Optimism Online, adding anxiety (general) + anxiety (social) and derealization as regularly tracked parameters. I would also track whether you have left house at all to do sth or just to be outdoors, whether you interacted with people (your mom, at least), menstrual cycle, etc. Try to find patterns.

Note that one of the non-medication therapy for bipolar, which is usually used as an adjunct to medication but can be used without it is called "Social rhythms therapy". You currently have no recurrent social events, which is probably bad for you. You have no recurrent events of "me time" outside the house, which is also bad for you (for sure). If you can impose a structure onto your life and embed recurrent events into your schedule, that might help you even without medications. Moreover, it would be necessary to take this step if you are on medications - either way, it needs to be done.

Some ideas for you:

- find a coffee shop you like or go to your public library to use your laptop (or the library's desktops) and the Internet, instead of surfing the web from home. This seemingly minute step has lots of positives to offer you:

1) It would be like an appointment, if you decide to go there at a certain hour. So you would feel more disciplined, which is a plus.

2) You would be around people but not directly interacting with them. So - a baby step towards social interaction without actual social interaction. Still, a step in the right direction.

3) A change of scenery would be helpful.

4) If you walk or bike, you would have moderate cardio exercise, which is known to help anxiety and might help sleep.

5) You probably would pay more attention to your grooming and self-care if you need to be out and about, even without meeting anybody in particular.

- walk around the block

- volunteer at an impound or animal shelter - animals would not care whether you have crippling social anxiety.

I believe that you can implement those right now. As a stretch goal, see if your public library or the adult school run by your public school district offers volunteering in literacy. You will help someone learn to read and write and will feel so much better being of help and service. Plus, if you become a literacy volunteer, you would need to be someplace at a certain time, dressed comfortably but appropriately and with an upbeat facial expression.

[BlackSheep79]

Originally Posted by eina

Every time I post here I'm just overwhelmed by the amount of support, you guys are amazing. Thank you so much.

My therapist doesn't agree with the bipolar assessment, she works at a holistic center and tends more towards emotional roots of issues than physical causes so I am a little uncomfortable bringing it up to her.

I do have a psychiatrist that I really like but I'm honestly terrified to try meds. I've been given a few different prescriptions by various doctors but have never filled them. I was on SSRI's for most of my adolescence and they were a terrible experience, I'm also really sensitive to side effects and generally get them pretty strongly. I think I've developed a bit of a phobia to be honest, and that plus the denial of diagnosis has been making it hard for me to take the plunge.

But it is true that I can't live like this. So I'm just going to go in and be really honest about my hangups to my pdoc and see if she can help assuage my fears a bit, even if I feel silly doing it.

I noticed that you said you were on SSRI's as a teenager and it was a horrible experience. SSRI's can trigger mania in people who suffer from BP. I was misdiagnosed with depression when I was a teenager, I wasn't diagnosed correctly until 27, but anyway I was on SSRI's and it was horrible. Prozac was the first one and looking back I definitely went into a manic state. Unfortunately these medications have side effects, and you never know if you will experience any or which ones you will experience. I too also deal with anxiety and OCD, but thru medication and therapy I feel that I have lived a fulfilling life. I have been able to achieve a goal I never thought I would be able to do, two college degrees. You deserve to live the best life possible. I'm not saying it hasn't been a bumpy ride, and I know there will be more bumps in the road, but I'm ready even though it will knock me down I will get right back up. I wish you the best. And keep posting any questions or concerns you have, there is a lot of great people on here.

[~Christina]

I can't think of a thing to add. Outstanding advice given as always here.

Just wanted to say, Welcome to PC