This is going to sounds crazy...

As much as I hate being terribly sick and feel horrible and do everything I can to get better, I feel like what I am dealing with now is so much more confusing and painful. Some moments I am OK and hopeful, but then I just lose hope.

So I think it is a mild depression and mini cycling, or mild mixed episode... I don't know.

I am a little bit functional, but I feel like I fight for every step. I slept for 4 hours yesterday after a full night's sleep. I have things I need to do and I truly WANT to do them, but then I just... don't. I run out of energy...

I have been able to get up in the morning and get my kids off to school and I have a thousand intentions to clean, get groceries, have a good meal... then I just get this overwhelming fatigue and go to sleep for hours.

I quit my job so that I could manage my life and not fall into the symptoms that I was starting to feel, but they are still here...

This mild cycling is so much worse because it doesn't seem valid. It seems like laziness and my fault that things aren't getting done. I thought that quitting my job would make me feel better. Why don't I?

it doesn't sound crazy at all.....mental illness is crazy....it itself doesn't seem valid...it doesn't seem fair....we do everything we can and have the best intentions and plans and it steals everything away from us.

finding the right meds is the only solution. it could take years. it takes lots of patience and experimentation. but once you find them you can stay balanced and not let this rob you of your life any longer.

I had a far worse life in meds. I tried dozens of combinations with dangerous side effects from all. I was the unlucky person for whom meds caused suicidal thoughts and actions. I was never hospitalized until I went on meds. Then I went inpatient at least 10 times and needed ECT to restart my brain. I have been off meds for a year and finished ECT a year and a half ago. I am afraid I would die if I went back on meds.

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time Do you have a tdoc & pdoc you are working with now? You are definitely not lazy-I don't know why we seem to come pre-programmed with that thought but people dealing & struggling with mental illness are some of the hardest working people I have ever met. It takes us such huge amounts of energy to power through our issues & perform daily tasks & I still deal with thoughts or feelings that I'm not pulling my weight at times. I've went through depressive spells where I could barely turn over in bed & I also know what it's like to be raising children along with dealing with my multitude of issues. Take care & I urge you to reach out & ask for help dealing with all this.

does not sound cray or anything. I can truely relate and know exactly what you're saying. I can't say the reason you're not feeling better. I do know that even if I have an idea what sets me mood off it does not make me feel better. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that our moods suck and even when we fight them it does not always go smoothly. I hope things get better and you find some internal peace.

Ugh, no matter what you are feeling, it is valid. They are your feelings. It sounds like you are slipping into depression... maybe some vit d could help? I don't know, just a suggestion with the lack of Mr. Sun lately. Obviously, I would ask your doctor first. They can draw your blood and tell you if your levels are low. Good luck.

I quit my job recently too and am kinda stable but having similar problems as you. I think it's mild depression and it could slip into deeper depression. With no meds I would think getting as much CBT as possible might help.

Something that has been helping me a bit is to sit in bed at night and write down 3 things I'm grateful for and 3 goals for the next day. The goals can be as little as brush teeth. Checking them off each day helps remind myself that I am doing OK and it could be worse: I could be in bed all day.

You don't sound crazy. I had the same thing when the bipolar first started. It was almost like clinical depression. All I could do was mope. I literally couldn't do anything and had no motivation to do things even though I wanted to. I just wanted it to be over. These attacks lasted four days. I don't know if you've ever tried lamotrigine but it completly stopped my attacks. Just a thought.

I think it is one of the following two things, or a combination of both:

1) You have physical causes. I do not know when you had a thorough lab work done, but from what you describe - you WANT to accomplish A, B, and C, but instead succumb to overwhelming fatigue and go to sleep - it could be thyroid dysfunction, it could be one of many types of anemia, it could be vit B-12 deficiency, or maybe you do not have enough vit D3, and maybe a host of other things.

I know that when very low thyroid hits me, I lie like a sack of potatoes on the bed, being physically unable to get up. But no dark thoughts of any kind and no fear of facing the day and no flagging motivation. So it is not depression. It is just low thyroid.

2) You are still sad that you had to give up work and you set expectations of yourself that are too high for the moment. Since you are not working, you expect to be a supermom and a super housekeeper. Well, this is not good to set exceedingly high expectations for yourself and then feel so down by not meeting them instantly that your body goes to sleep, unwilling to face the conflict between the expectations and realistic abilities. If that is the case, subscribe to the thread about positive things you have done today and report small accomplishments. You will see that everybody is doing it - you are not alone. Cooker dinner - check mark; read a book - check mark; took out the trash, walked a dog, paid the bills, caught up on email, etc. It is a very helpful thread - you will see that everyone takes it one day at a time and that everyone (at least the posters on that thread) celebrates small accomplishments viewing them for what they are - accomplishments. Let me see the view count on that thread...

So it is the most viewed thread on this forum, with 732 posts and 13,316 views.

It must be helpful to folks if it is so popular - try it.

Another idea that a very kind former pdoc of mine gave me that I use - 3 goals.

Say, before going to bed, write down 3 things that you plan to do in the morning. Do them and do not add anything to your list until you have done the 3 things in the morning.

I may add to her advice: do break down complex tasks into simple tasks.

E.g. if I want to make a homemade cleaning solution using lavender oil, dish soap, and vinegar, all in a spray bottle (using a funnel), I put "find the spray bottle" as a separate task, because I do know where the ingredients are and where the funnel is, but I do not remember where I put the spray bottle. Clearly, looking for the spray bottle may take me far more time than dosing oil, vinegar and soap into the bottle using a funnel. If I only set the goal of having the cleaning solution made - in other words, using the final product as my only goal - I would not account for most of the time spent towards the goal, and would get anxious and antsy and frustrated while looking for an empty spray bottle because to me it would be "wasted time" and I would berate myself for not knowing where stuff is in my apartment despite many months work of organizing and decluttering efforts. All of that berating ain't gonna make me feel any better. But if I set realistic goals, in line with the actual state of affairs and not with a fairy tale picture (a place for everything and everything in its place), then the time spent looking for the spray bottle would not count as wasted, and I would rejoice when I find the spray bottle.

I can almost guarantee that you set goals using "broad brushstrokes", because this is how you describe them: a thousand things (how is it specific? how is it doable? how is it an attainable goal?), get groceries (do you have a list? if you do not, do you have a system (in your mind or on paper or online) to generate a list?), have a good meal (how is it defined?). So the way you envision making progress is overwhelming, because you commit to too many goals, some of which are not attainable, and you simply might overwhelm yourself by having so many broad, non-specific, confusing goals which compete for your attention and cannot all be accomplished at once.

Which takes us back to the 3 thing rule. I am sorry I added this lengthy write-up to my former pdoc's 3 thing rule advice, but I know from experience that how I define what a "thing" is really impacts my progress and sense of satisfaction.

Since you are an editor, making written lists would seem the way to go.

I'll have to read your posts again in the morning, Hamster, so I can take it all in with a fresh mind. I have had thyroid issues in the past and it has crossed my mind that it may be bothering me again. I had my last work up in August and everything was fine. I have another appointment in January but I might call next week just to rule things out.

As far as setting goals, I am notorious for nebulous goal setting. I think it's my way of not being accountable for possible failure. I always have high expectations for myself because I project the expectations I think others have of me onto myself. I want people in my life to
see me as successful, but deep down I am certain I will abandon everything I start.

I'm sorry to hear how you feel.

Quitting your job is one less stress factor, you may have fallen deeper into your cycles if you tried to carry on. You did what was best for you at the time.

I applaud you for still taking care of your kids and getting them to school.

Mixed episodes certainly do take their toll.

This is not laziness, it's a temporary chemical imbalance sapping your energy.

When I'm like this I commit to one thing a day. And I do it straight after dropping my kids off. So if it's grocery shopping I'll March in with an armed list and March out again and go back home. And if I want to sleep as soon as I get home, so be it. As for the vacuuming, I leave mine constantly plugged into the lounge (lazy) and when I'm watching a tv episode in the afternoon, and a tv ad comes on (they're so long .....) I quickly turn it on and do one room whilst the ad plays.

I hope you feel better soon.

This is very astute; insightful. I hope you will find a way to turn the insight into actionable plans.

And in classic bipolar style, today I took my son out to breakfast, chose paint samples at Home Depot and painted sample patches onto my dining room wall, and all is right with the world. What will tomorrow bring?

If you like colors, distract yourself with ColorQuiz.com - The free five minute personality test!

How about you just "be"give yourself 7 days to just do what you have to (kids) .. It's okay to just do nothing sometime, Float for a while. Sometimes stressing over all the stuff you should be doing right now will just overwhelm you.

Do nothing for a week... Just focus on allowing your body to relax, regroup on its on time table.

I can relate to this. Meds aren't for me either and made me far worse - suicidal. I cycle too rapidly for the drugs to be effective, and they often ended up accelerating my mania/depressions. But I have managed to make a massive improvement to my life by stopping drinking alcohol. I also cut out all other stimulants like caffeine, nicotine, etc. I also keep away from other people as much as possible because other people are a major trigger for my episodes. I hope you feel somewhat better soon.

I always wonder if I am just being lazy or depression. That thinking makes me feel even worse. But this week I have felt better and have even cooked dinner and painted the kitchen so I know I'm not totally lazy. It's the illness- not us

This--

After my recent breakdown (having to call for help on the highway bc I was going to drive myself into a pole) I spent the next few days on the couch healing myself. I treated myself like I would if I had the flu. I watched tv, ate comfort foods, let my husband deal with kids/household, and waited till the new meds kicked in.