BP/anxiety and Working

Hi! First time posting on here, or really even being on here. So hello.

I wanted to know if other people have trouble with working. Or even with just specific types of work. I've had eight jobs in the last four years that I lost within a month. I don't really know what happened. I get this just complete, overwhelming feeling of dread from these jobs. I stumble through it, forget everything I'm learning, and frustrate coworkers. Then, between shifts, I just cry. Constantly. It's basically a depression trigger. I've worked food, retail, childcare, reception...

I've only had two jobs that worked. One was a temporary job at a day camp, preparing snacks and supervising the kids for long enough for the teacher to have a break. The other is working for the paper at my college, which doesn't sound like much, but I put 30 or so hours a week into it. I interview, I write, I do page designs, and next semester I'll be selling advertising. It's a job, it's just not a paying one.

My question is, I guess, does anyone else have specific types of work that they can do, and others they can't? I'm not sure whether it has more to do with my BP or my anxiety, but I don't know anyone else with either, so I thought I'd ask.

I have had anxiety doing some of the jobs I've had but I have to admit it wasn't enough to cause me to lose a job. I was pretty careful in the jobs I chose. I hope that you can get some med to help with the anxiety and depression. Maybe you can find a paying job doing something for a local newspaper.

Hi hungrysociety

Nice to see you on the bp forum.

I have definitely had issues at work.

Some have outright been related to my bp. It's been a real challenge for me to work when I'm depressed. And I've done some pretty stupid things at work in the past whilst I continued to work whilst manic.

This year until September (I'm currently not working) - it was an extreme challenge for me. It practically have anxiety attacks every day before going to work. I started developing odd behaviour. I'd get to work an hour to an hour and a half before I had to be, just to get a parking. Yes, I was afraid I wouldn't get a parking. So I'd get there at 7am every morning when no one was there. I found it really challenging interacting with staff. And I felt very threatened by management - like they were constantly watching me.

I've lost 3 jobs in the past due to mental health issues.

Not easy.

And so my merry go round cycle begins again.

You are definitely not alone in this.

I'm so glad that someone else feels threatened by the management (though I also feel that way with other staff members). That's my experience exactly, like they have eyes everywhere and I'm being watched. It makes me paranoid, and frightened.

I'm sorry that you've had this experience, too. I don't know what to do about it. I've been steadily losing my sense of self-worth for the last year or so. I'm not sure what the point of me is if I'm not making money and helping instead of being a burden.

ok this took me 20 years to figure out this peace (peace of mind)

u only see the world from your eyes but u do not see how the simple actions u do have effects on ppl u care about and even ones u do not like

self value should never be linked to money (just another form of greed) but it should be linked to how u make other feel around u the ones u care most about (and small children /animals ).........i personally hate myself no one can ever say anything to hurt my feelings do to the fact i called myself worst over the years ........but ppl love me when i come over they get happy .....it took my little nephew asking if i was magical to figure this out

if it was only about money i can tell u methods of making more money then u can use (not saying legal methods in your state or at all ) but if that is the over riding factor for u ....u would have already turned that way

what ever work u do just do it well and take pride in how it comes off/finishes......if u hate your job look for something u like better get it quit old one (until then get a hobby u enjoy)

Absolutely! I have had 75 jobs since I started working@ age 14! FOR REAL-I wish this was an exaggeration, pathetically, it's not. The last 7 years, I consistently last 18 months. I become paranoid of coworkers, start doing a 24 hour countdown to misery, cry the hour before, start going in late, calling in- BAM! No job. Followed by deep depression, self loathing, and finally isolation. Un- merciful
circle of my employment, oh how I hate you

Wow, I thought I was alone in this! In the past 15 years, the only way I've been able to last more than six months at a job is if it's like ten hours a week or something. My two careers have been in accounting and dog grooming.

I get that feeling of dread and it's like I just shut down and spend the day crying at my desk. Within a few weeks, daily suicidal ideation kicks in. It's AWFUL.

I, too, feel like a failure for not being a productive member of society. I've been working since the age of 16 (40 now), and I'm a hard worker. It's not laziness. It's like work just triggers depression and panic attacks.

I've applied for disability since my last job in May of 2013. Waiting for a hearing that won't come until next summer. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm so relieved I'm not the only one!

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I actually found that working was how I escaped to cope with my mental problems. Outside of work is where I really broke down and had problems. For me, work was a place with rules, structure, metric values for knowing if I was doing a good job or not. I liked it. Perhaps the types of jobs you are seeking aren't right for you. Perhaps you need to look at the purpose of a job differently. See it as an escape from the rest of the world. Just play by a set of rule predefined for you and things will be fine. I successfully worked as a marketing manager for over 15 years employing that type of philosophy. I'm on disability right now and am OK with that, but it wasn't because of my job. It was because of my illness.

You are singing my song, hon. I was a nurse who lost several jobs due to my mental health problems. As I've aged my bipolar has gotten worse and my ability to work has gone with it. At my last job, I overreached so badly that I lasted less than four months. It was humiliating. I ran through my 26 weeks worth of unemployment benefits and am now broke and near-homeless. I've applied for disability, but as I'm sure you know it takes a long time to get a hearing and often an applicant is denied the first time.

I feel for you, I really do. I know what it's like to dread going to work and having the anxiety eat at you until you can't stand it anymore. I hope your outcome is better than mine.

Thanks for starting this thread. It is so hard for me to deal with my current inability to work, and my failed attempts in the past four years. Great to read what others have to say about it. Three jobs in four years. Trying to make my peace with it but it is hard.

I work in the restruant industry and it's really hard. I've had four jobs in the last year, due to t
stress leading me to job costing episodes.

I expo, and if anyone knows what that is I set the tempo of the service and have to be friends with everyone. When I'm in a bad or irritable mood I bring down the morale of the entire restruant. I do like my work however, it keeps my mind super active, it's just hard.

When I was younger I had a lot of short term jobs. The longest I ever held a job was 6 months. I was Undiagnosed and had no idea that bipolar and possibly psychosis played into my job hopping. Everything seemed very logical.

Well then I went through some pretty sever poverty, and I had to give up custody of my oldest son. It was traumatic. And at the end of it I went to vocational school and got a job as a receptionist in a medical office. I've now been here 7 years.

How? Fear and luck.

It's not easy. I actually can't do this job any more. I forget everything I do, even things I do daily. I am terrible at handling money. I have horrible phone anxiety. I get confused while reading. I get incredibly angry at patients for things, like asking dkr directions. I've almost been fired multiple times but my previous boss always chickened out. I would quit if I could but I fear not getting another job. And I'm terrified because there is no backup plan.

Best job I ever had was the one I held for 6 months, a school custodian. No phones, no money handling, no customer service, a lot of time to allow obsessive thoughts to run their loop, because you're off cleaning your area of the school alone. Easy to talk to yourself while vacuuming. No one can hear! Plus good exercise.

I have felt that EXACT same way. It leads me to feeling horrendously guilty about being alive and not contributing.

I have no answers, I just want to let you know you are not alone. Also, I wanted to tell you, the time when I felt the most like your above quote...i was in the throws of a profound depression. I ended up leaving my job, taking a deep breath, getting a new job (that helps people). Leaving the old job was one of the best decisions I have ever made... I don't regret it for a second. For the record, the "new job" i got after quitting, paid less and I didn't care because it felt like i got parolled from the old job! Plus, every day I get to help people. I feel like helping others has helped me like myself more.

Show yourself some love. You are worth something. Who can you help today, right now, to help yourself feel better? Help one person or creature a day and it will move you toward recovering your self-worth.

I can relate to all previous posts, especially Mrs.Mania.. Before i was diagnosed, i jumped jobs so much, my own family couldnt keep up with my days/hours or where i worked. I also have huge anxiety when driving. But, needs must. Just waiting on a big lotto win.
Hope you get the answers you're looking for.

I am so glad I'm in a unionized work environment. I started entry level in the fileroom with tremendous anxiety and yes fear or management. Prior to that job I suffered with terrible nerves on the job even though I was intelligent and capable. Starting entry level and having time to get used to the job, familiarize myself with the next step up helped me to cope with moving up. It kept the excessive anxiety just bearable. One temp promotion I had severe anxiety but coped by listening to meditation on the way to work, at work and going home. I did CBT exercises to deal with my fears and faced and accepted that I might fail. But in the end I did okay. Meds have helped me cope by reducing my anxiety and improving my confidence. Experience has helped a lot too. You're not alone in this struggle.

Call me crazy but I feel like we people with "bipolar disorder" just know what's up. It's depressing to blindly follow a money system that one does not agree with. So for me, my heart gets upset, and that affects my emotions, which affects my work. Our eyes are open and we see things as they are, and something about the way things are just doesn't cut it. (For me, anyway.)
And the world was always changed by revolutionaries who saw reality and decided that things shouldn't continue as they are.
So the question is.. How do we make a change?

I've always felt this exact same way.

At first I wonder why I can't keep a job. But then I realize how monotonous it is, how soul-sucking it is to repeat the same tasks over and over. How awful it is to feel like a slave to the system, to watch your bosses steal your ideas and get bonuses for them. The sheer inequality in it all.

Then, I realize that my internal job crisis feelings aren't really that irrational. Because I see how ****ed the system is, and I don't want to be a part of it. Working these "jobs" feels like a violation to my core values. So no wonder I'm having an emotional crisis!

But at the same time I feel like I have no control, and the system won't change itself. So I feel helpless to just watch the world burn, when the solutions to the problems seem so obvious, because no one else can "see" the problems. They're too busy working within/for the system to care. They're caught in the rat race.

So yeah, what can we do to change it?

I'm currently struggling with unemployment, and my bank account is now dry.

To me, the solution is sustainability. I want save just enough to escape the system. I want to build a small house on some land, employ solar paneling, a small garden -- get off the grid. And for money (for those things that are necessary, medicine, and others) I want to work on freelancing. Basically being my own boss. Other than that, I would love to work with children, the homeless, or animals in some way.

Are these lofty goals? Yes. Is it improbable that I'll reach said goals with my mental illness. Yes. But the way I see it, this is what I want most in life, and everything I do works towards that. And if I gave up this dream, my dream for a better freer existence without "bills," then what would I even be living for?

Even if I never achieve this dream, I'll never give up.

But my problem is that so few people I meet can "see" these problems. I want to network with like-minded individuals, who also want to free themselves from the rat-race. But 99% of people I meet are too busy working for the rat-race to even stop and consider that there may be an alternative.

And I think this even explains my social problems too. I can't keep friends because I can't relate to most people. I have such a hard time relating to people, because what I want in life differs sooo much from the norm, that I feel even more alone when in the company of most people. I don't care for celebrity statuses, money, fame, or any of that BS. I want to talk to real people who want to create, live, and experience real joy (not just hollow pleasure).

But on the rare occasion that I meet someone who really shares my worldview, we click immediately, and making friends with them is easy and natural. But I meet so few people like this.

I think my feelings of disconnectedness and trouble keeping friends comes more from the immense pressure to conform to society (to be unauthentic with myself).

When you look at it this way, bipolar tendencies seem rational, and keeping the status quo seems insane.

JamesO2 !! I totally get where you're coming from. Have you looked into intentional communities? There is one called Black Bear in California I may try. It can be googled easily. The roads there are icy now as it is winter, but I plan to visit next summer.

I've worked a variety of jobs. I never finished college because of my anxiety/bipolar disorder.

The longest I held one position was 4 years. Actually there were 2 of them that lasted abou that long, but I was in a really stable place and the jobs were on the easy side. I was admin assisstant and then a receptionist. As a receptionist I was given duties I wasn't qualified or trained to do and that strated my stress levels going off the rails, I eventually quit and moved out of state to be with my boyfriend (long distance relationship).

What I've found is that the office jobs, even the short term temp ones, require some kind of accounting or payroll work and I'm not good at it and it stresses me out. I had a temp job I was "fired" from because I couldn't catch on to whatI needed to do. The first day I was there I realized I was in over my head and I should have walked away but I didn't want to seem "ungrateful" to the temp agency. The next assignment I got required a level of detail oriented work that sent me into a panic. I quit that one.

Then I didn't work for nearly a year.

Now I'm working in retail. I've gone from feeling I'd only be comfortable on the register to being on the salesfloor. Several leadership or admin positions (well 1 position has opened up multiple times) have opened up but I haven't applied even though I was approached about them. I know my limits right now and dealing with accounting or being in a leadership spot is not something I'm comfortable with.

It's kind of hard to say all that becuase I'm 41 and I don't feel like I have much to show for my life in terms of career goals. But I have ajob that pays my bills and I have health insurane, I get good reviews and they are accomodating about my mental health issues. Not everyone knows, but the day I have therapy is a day I take off the full day. I'm never on the schedule and they know not to call to see if I can cover for people.

The key to finding something that won't set off your anxiety is figuring out what your anxiety triggers are. I've discovered working with money and handling other people's schedules/cat herding large groups makes me anxious and stressed. The jobs in office I keep finding require those skills so it's retail.

Right now with the holidays it's hard becuase there are so many people and my store is understaffed so I get home drained and just try to make it to my days off. But I know this will pass and Jan will roll around and things will calm down.

I like making random chit chat with poeple, I like helping people and I like working to help solve problems and in my current job I get to do that but in a rather low stress enviornment.

I'm a tiny cog in a really large system but I'm content to be a cog.

Oh cool! Yeah I've been wanting to join something like that. I'm gonna have to look that up. I've thought about joining something Luke a commune... But those are often associated with super hippies or cults. But basically I would love to live in a small community where I can be utilized for useful constructive labor, and we can all share in the experience, learn valuable skills, and being our selves to the table.

That's exactly what intentional communities sounds like.

You mind if I message you more about this? I rarely find people with these kinds of interests. Or when I do they're often not very serious.

JamesO2 Yeah sure message me.

Hi, I'm new here. I too can't seem to maintain a job, I feel so stupid and incompetent. There's people who can't speak English well, read or write and yet,they can keep the jobs I get fired from. I have anxiety and depression,this has made is worse! I haven't even applied to jobs recently because of fear of repeating this irreversible cycle. It's embarrassing, I'm 20, living in poverty with my parents and two year old son, I'm so ashamed to return home,yet a failure again and continuing being a burden on everyone. I want more than anything to have at least an apartment and make ends meet for us both..but, again the vicious cycle of no job = no money. As of now I do nothing but attend appts hoping to see a neuropsychologist soon enough to see if I have a learning disability. Best of luck to everyone!