[wildflowerchild25]

I've had a rough couple of days. My son has been sick (hives everywhere, apparently allergic to amoxicillin) so he's been home from school, and since I'm on disability right now I've skipped partial to stay home with him. By the end of the day I have been supremely frustrated. My son (he's four) has been going through a rough time right now, to the point that his teacher has suggested I take him to be evaluated by a psychologist. Some of his behaviors are tantrums in which he ends up hitting himself on the head hard when he doesn't get his way, hitting other children, not listening to anything I ask him to do, and not eating the food he asks for and just eating junk food. I know that tantrums are normal but it's not normal for him to hit himself in the face and head. And the fact that he doesn't listen unless I yell at him is very frustrating. I have to ask him six or seven times to do something before he acquiesces and I end up yelling at him to get him to listen.

I feel like a terrible mother. I feel like everyone can see what he's doing and is judging me for it. He also has two cavities in his two front teeth which I don't understand because we've always brushed his teeth every night. I know I should in the morning too but I forget. I forget lots of things. Anyway I feel like every time someone sees his teeth they're judging me.

I'm scared that I'm screwing him up. I've been hospitalized six times in the past two years and every time I'm gone I can't see him bc they don't allow children on the ward I go to. So he doesn't know where I am and he doesn't know I'm ok. My sister in law told me that the last time I was in and she babysat he told her "it's scary when mommy's away". How awful. What am I doing to him?

I guess it's worse because my mom was sick with depression. She didn't get hospitalized (one time) but she basically neglected me for my whole childhood. I don't want to do that. I don't want to get so frustrated and angry with my son. I've grabbed him and squeezed his arm really hard. Isn't that abuse? I'm so ashamed for how I've acted these past two years while this illness has run rampant.

The only good thing is that things are finally stabilizing. It's only been three weeks so I don't know if it will last but things are definitely much better now. I have to focus on showing my son I love him no matter what.

I know everyone's going to say I'm not terrible but can you just give me legitimate reasons why? I can't see any.

[jelly-bean]

You are NOT terrible. You are human and make mistakes sometimes just like all the rest of us humans. The things is, you recognize that there is a problem that needs fixing and are trying to take steps to fix it that make you a good mom. You also have issues that you are trying to deal with in order to make it better for your son and that makes you a great mom. Give yourself credit and keep working on getting better for yourself and your son.

[brokenandalone1234]

Your not a bad mom because at least you came here asking help and support. My mom was a bad mom she put men in her life before her kids and even married a man neither my sister or I can stand and says she shouldn't have to get approval from her daughters. Mind you this we were in 7th and 8th grade when they got married. I am 24 now and because of this have very little contact with my mom.

[Justugh]

first thing just the fact u are worried about it and feel this

U ARE NOT A TERRIBLE MOM

the teeth thing so what they are falling out in less then 3 years and the permits come in those are the ones u need to worry (baby teeth are just that baby teeth ) and foods with high acid lvls in them can do that too teeth (fruits soda some types of meals)

if they look at u weirdly say i spoil my kid he can have some candy while the baby teeth are still in (the other mothers kid hears that and well her judgmental attitude will pay her back)

next time u need to go into the hospital take your phone u can use it to tie into the wifi for the hospital then see your kid on skype (assuming u have a smart phone) .......if they allow u to use the phone they should allow u to use a smartphone for a talk with your 4 year old kid .............that way sees u hears voice sees u are ok ........kiddies just want mommy to be happy and safe so they have their mommy

before u go in next time make some recordings of u singing or reading fav books so while u are in at night time they can listen to it

as for the other thing the hitting ...........it could be he is mad at his brain and wants it to do what they want so he hits it (negative reinforcement self induced)....try teaching him it is ok to mess up as long as u learn from it and keep trying your best....i know he is four but something u know that makes him do it to him u have him work on it when u see it coming hug him and look at what went wrong .........help him and then reward him

as for the yelling thing my mother had the power of ***** i sawl her make grown men cry using just words ...someone would bully her or one of us kids and the power magnified...even my father was smart enough just to say yes dear when times where like that

the kid might be mad for some of teen years but once gets older will understand and say sorry for being a horrible kid .........thanks to my mom i got a little of that power they do not cry just try to hit me then i defend myself so in the end u being a strong lady not willing to take crap is not a bad thing at all infact it is a good thing

what u do not understand is your son will marry/date/fall in love with a women alot like u just like daughters marry guys like fathers

so be yourself ......and as for the rest of the ppl u think are judging u tell them all to kiss your lilly white @ss( i am white so that is why i said that ) .....your son is happy healthy and not a serial killer so u are doing a dang good job

stay in his corner ...love him ....be yourself and u are the best mommy in the world to him

[Victoria'smom]

you just give me legitimate reasons why? because obviously you care. Right there puts you above bad parents. He's safe and his needs are met that puts you above crappy parent. You care about how he's developing, you're trying for him, you want the best for him that puts you at good parent.

Now, I would suggest him seeing a therapist so they can help him when things get scary.

Im not a parent, but I work with many troubled and disabled kids. A 4 year old with cavities is quite alarming, which makes me first think of his diet. You mention he wont eat anything but junk food? This could well be an explanation for his misbehaviour. I have seen completely out of control dx autistic, anxious and adhd children have their lives turned around by a simple diet change. It may be hard work to get him to eat your new diet but it could be worth it in the long run and for his long term health.

I have only met one child in my entire life who had cavities as a 4 year old, by 6 years his mouth was full of visibly rotten teeth, by 8 he had to get the lot removed. He apparently refused to drink anything but fizzy or cordial, the parents giving him the choice to have sugary drinks is more child abuse than your firm hand on his arm.

Well done for getting through each day, I struggle and I dont even have anyone relying on me. I admire you for trying your best and reaching out for support when you need it. All the best

[Blitter2014]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I've had a rough couple of days. My son has been sick (hives everywhere, apparently allergic to amoxicillin) so he's been home from school, and since I'm on disability right now I've skipped partial to stay home with him. By the end of the day I have been supremely frustrated.
That sounds perfectly normal for anyone sick who is in turn trying to look after someone else who is sick.

My son (he's four) has been going through a rough time right now, to the point that his teacher has suggested I take him to be evaluated by a psychologist. Some of his behaviors are tantrums in which he ends up hitting himself on the head hard when he doesn't get his way, hitting other children, not listening to anything I ask him to do, and not eating the food he asks for and just eating junk food. I know that tantrums are normal but it's not normal for him to hit himself in the face and head.
Your sons behavior is not your fault. It appears that he needs specialized help and you recognize and are no doubt doing something about that. Well done.

And the fact that he doesn't listen unless I yell at him is very frustrating. I have to ask him six or seven times to do something before he acquiesces and I end up yelling at him to get him to listen.
That would and does frustrate every parent. Doesn't make you a bad parent because you get frustrated.

I feel like a terrible mother. I feel like everyone can see what he's doing and is judging me for it.
Let them. How many times have you seen a child throw a tantrum in the supermarket? It happens. Your son loves you and wants nothing else but to be with you, sick or not.

He also has two cavities in his two front teeth which I don't understand because we've always brushed his teeth every night. I know I should in the morning too but I forget. I forget lots of things. Anyway I feel like every time someone sees his teeth they're judging me.
Again, your doing something about it, not ignoring it. That makes you a loving and caring parent.

I'm scared that I'm screwing him up.
Every parent has that thought!!

I've been hospitalized six times in the past two years and every time I'm gone I can't see him bc they don't allow children on the ward I go to. So he doesn't know where I am and he doesn't know I'm ok. My sister in law told me that the last time I was in and she babysat he told her "it's scary when mommy's away". How awful. What am I doing to him?
You are trying your best. Every parent gets sick at one time or another. Not all have to go to hospital, but alot do. All your son wants is to see you and be with you. How can that be a sign of a bad parent.

I guess it's worse because my mom was sick with depression. She didn't get hospitalized (one time) but she basically neglected me for my whole childhood.
Do you blame your mum for having depression, or for letting that depression lead her to neglecting you? It sounds like the latter....

I don't want to do that. I don't want to get so frustrated and angry with my son. I've grabbed him and squeezed his arm really hard. Isn't that abuse? I'm so ashamed for how I've acted these past two years while this illness has run rampant.
This is something that it would be really good to talk to a T about. You already recognize that there is something you want to change about yourself. A Therapist can help you with that.

The only good thing is that things are finally stabilizing. It's only been three weeks so I don't know if it will last but things are definitely much better now. I have to focus on showing my son I love him no matter what.

I know everyone's going to say I'm not terrible but can you just give me legitimate reasons why? I can't see any.

Reasons why your a good parent:
1. You recognize that things are not as good as you would like, you are not ignoring them.
2. You are seeking help for your son.
4. You are concerned with your sons wellbeing and physical health.
5. You want to improve your skills as a parent.
6. You are reassuring your son of your love for him.
7. You came on here looking for help.

[ozzy1313]

The recording of your voice advice given above is a great idea!

I go through many of the similar feelings you do. Hospitalization has never been needed for me but there are times when my anger is out of control and I yell things at my kids I feel awful about. There have been so many times that I have wished I had never had children. I fear every day that my behavior has messed them up. In reality they are 15 and 13 and are great kids, great grades, and stay out of any trouble.

Being a mom is soooo difficult and even more difficult when you add in bp. Is your sister's house a safe/good house for your son to be in when you are hospitalized?

As for the teeth- my daughter has taken meticulous care of her teeth and had more cavities than I can count and also had to have her teeth bonded due to dis-coloring. My son on the other hand has lousy dental hygine and has had no cavities. Go figure.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Supanova

Im not a parent, but I work with many troubled and disabled kids. A 4 year old with cavities is quite alarming, which makes me first think of his diet. You mention he wont eat anything but junk food? This could well be an explanation for his misbehaviour. I have seen completely out of control dx autistic, anxious and adhd children have their lives turned around by a simple diet change. It may be hard work to get him to eat your new diet but it could be worth it in the long run and for his long term health.

I have only met one child in my entire life who had cavities as a 4 year old, by 6 years his mouth was full of visibly rotten teeth, by 8 he had to get the lot removed. He apparently refused to drink anything but fizzy or cordial, the parents giving him the choice to have sugary drinks is more child abuse than your firm hand on his arm.

Well done for getting through each day, I struggle and I dont even have anyone relying on me. I admire you for trying your best and reaching out for support when you need it. All the best

I have taken him to a dentist twice and each time she said don't worry about it they will fall out. The thing is he doesn't drink a lot of sugar because of that but he does eat sugar in the form of fruit snacks and treats after he eats some sort of dinner (Mac n cheese, pbj, spaghettios, etc). He is such a picky eater that I can't force vegetables down his throat or a lot of fruit either. I'm going to take him to a therapist though for the hitting and maybe she/he can give me some advice to help his eating. The other thing is my husband's family has a history of soft enamel that leads to many dental problems so he could also have soft enamel.

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. I think I'm just being really hard on myself. Part of this is probably my son's personality too. He's always been a difficult child. When he was an infant he had colic and would spen hours crying and all I could do would be rock him for hours or bounce him while I was walking around. That went on for a year. So he's always been in need of extra attention. But I am definitely going to take him to a therapist at least for an evaluation to make sure everything is ok and see if he needs someone to talk to. I know I'm one step ahead of my mom because Ive been desperately seeking help since this ******** surfaced again. I'm doing everything I can (including 20 sessions of ECT - I've lost a LOT of memory) to make this better and give him a better life. I guess that makes me an ok mom.

Thanks everyone for the advice and the encouragement. I really need it right now.

[newtothis31]

1). You are not a bad Mom- it sounds as though you are being really hard on yourself.
2). Just the fact that you can recognize that your son has behaviors that need to be examined by a therapist shows that you care and want the best for your son.
3). Learning how to parent effectively with BP is a huge challenge. My daughter is four- and when she pushes my buttons to the point where I fear that I'm going to explode- I just say, "Mommy's having a mood right now- both of us need to calm down." Then if we're in the house- I'll walk to where she can still see me and pace back and forth- I just remind myself not to rush and make a decision and I try to see things from her perspective. Seeing a therapist who can help you learn some coping strategies (all kids will test parents limits) would help you get more confidence and feel better about your parenting approach.
4). Regarding the tantrums- have predictable consequences. My daughter knows that she gets one warning for a time out, then I count to five if she needs to do something (e.g., pick up after herself), then after that she screeches like a holler monkey. But she at least knows what to expect when she chooses to behave poorly.
5). I have a lot in common with you- I grew up with a mentally ill mother who required hospitalization. I was lucky to have an extended family who was able to help me. Due to my illness- I went three months last year without being the primary caregiver of my daughter. You just have to accept that illness can happen to anybody. It's how we respond & move forward with what matters.

Keep posting on here- we're here to support you.

[cashart10]

You are a good mom because you are seeking help for your son and because you are concerned about him. Bad moms don't care enough to seek help or be concerned. I certainly know how you feel though. I feel like a terrible mother also some of the time. My son has the same issues as your son and has been diagnosed with autism. I don't believe it sometimes though, I think his behavior and diet is just from neglect (in reality, I don't neglect my children I am just not always emotionally available to them). Either way, having him evaluated was the best thing I could have done because now he has speech, behavioral, and ot therapists and they had had a major impact on his behavior, development, and life. (BTW, I can't even take my son to the dentist because I know there is no way he will let the dentist in his mouth. Brushing his teeth period is a battle, one we often lose.)

[~Christina]

Your not a bad Mom, Everyone has given you honest responses showing you things that your just not able to "see" for yourself right now but they are there.

The only thing I could even think to bring up is ...

Often Bipolar people have just LOUD minds, racing brains , non stop noise. Sensory overload in daily life... I went through a few months back when my daughter was about 4 or 5 ? Mind you I wasnt diagnosed BP then. But My daughter just would not respond to me asking or telling her anything unless I was yelling and yelling even then I would often have to grab her hand or arm to get her to even acknowledge that I wanted her attention.

I remember one day in particular I was just at the end of my rope, crying, I called a friend and asked her to please come over for coffee I just needed someone there , right then, She came over and a pot of coffee later and more of me yelling at my daugher.. My friend said ... You do realize Amanda just tunes your yelling out, she cant handle it so she tunes it all out... Try and speak in a normal voice or even a whisper... ( yep thought she was nuts) but I was willing to try.. So I stop yelling right then, I just spoke in a normal tone, I even did some whispering. about 4 hours later Amanda climbed in my lap and hugged me and said Im glad the mad mommy left. I was crying my eyes out.

Yeah her and I still had some fighting and me nagging at times, But I never once again had to yell at her .. when she was being stubborn I would get on her level and look her in the eyes and quietly tell her what she needed to do next, go pick up toys, then again eye level get ready for your bath...

It was really hard at times of course... Fast forward , I was diagnosed BP at age 43 , my daughter was diagnosed BP 2 months later at age 19. Shes 23 now and doing fantastic, She does remember me yelling when she was young , but she even at that age had trouble with noise and she learned to tune it out, that's how she coped. She wasnt mad at me over it.

Maybe something you could give a try?

As for food ? I grew up eating what my mother made for all of us for dinner, if we didn't like it , we just didnt eat. I raised my daughter the same way. She didnt starve , it wasnt abuse. I also did not keep processed junk food in the house not just because of her , I didnt need that stuff either. I kept fruit, frozen oj in little dixie cups in the freezer, yougart, Once or twice a month Id pick up a bag of chips or icecream.. It was just a special treat.

I think it would be wise to have your son see someone. Maybe he is just scared and confused and kids act out when they don't know how to deal with things. Is he damaged for life ? Of course not. You are not a terrible mom.

Your a Mom that is dealing with a really tough illness and your fighting to get better.

[Capriciousness]

Hugs hugs hugs!

I feel ya! I also have an extremely demanding son. He is six. It is very very difficult. He enrages me. It can be hell.

If you care you are a good mom. You go to the hospital to help yourself, to stay safe, to take care of his mother. I know you don't want to plan to go to the hospital but it may help him to prep him for it just in case. Like say sometimes mommy has to go on trips for just mommies and I miss you terribly but I will always always always come back and I love you no matter what. Make a picture album for him with pics of just the two of you for him to have when your gone. Buy him a bunch of special toys and books and write little notes and put them away but tell whoever takes care of him to give him one a day when you are gone or something like that.

And besides all of that YOU CARE! You feel miserable about it. Do you think a bad mother would care about leaving her son or feel guilty about squeezing his arm or worry about his emotional development or even consider psychological testing? No!

Therese Borchard (a wonderful Bipolar mom hero) talks about being a mom and how we will **** up but as long as we are leading with our hearts we can feel like we are doing our best.

Parenting is insane for everyone! Being home all day with any child let alone a difficult child would send even the sanest person over the edge. Give yourself some credit!

I just a quote today in the book I am currently reading about positive discipline (because yes i need ways to deal with my child) that said "normal parents become enraged by normal children ". It was in a chapter all about dealing with anger as a parent. This is not a bipolar issue. This is a parenting issue. And adding bipolar to the mix sure doesn't help anything.

I often fear my son may have inherited some neuroatypicalness from me. I fear for him. But he is so amazing in so many ways that I wouldn't change that (though I would gladly take some of this behavior) but I figure that if he does turn out to be bipolar or something like it what a gift that his mama can hold his hand while he cries and say "I know how you feel". I can't imagine such luxury in my own life (my mom not so great).

And kate gosselin of all people said this wonderful parenting quote "You only have one shot. You ARE going to mess up. But you just can't give up. " Keep fighting.

And no squeezing his arm is not abuse. Not even for a second. Cross that worry off your list.

Please try to ease up on yourself a bit because the stress if feeling like a bad mom can be extremely depression triggering (at least for me). It is the worst because it claws at your very most sacred heart place. Because it is about YOUR BABY!

From one mama to another....I am sending you love and light and strength. You sound like a warrior and a fighter...dealing with this illness, surviving through all of it and loving your child as fiercely as you do.

Just go turn on a movie, grab a bag of chips, and cuddle that child on the couch.

Lots of love to you.