[ozzy1313]

I have been posting a lot here how I don't understand why my mental state has been worse since my dx about a year ago. After thinking about it and talking with my husband I finally figured out why.

It isn't worse- it's just that now I have stopped faking it and pretending I am fine. Him and my folks always knew I have had depression and take meds etc., but they never knew the extent of it. Most of my depression showed as anger instead of anything else even though inside I just wanted to die or disappear. Then there were a few years I self medicated and when I told my husband at the time he wondered how that had started out of the blue. And when after my dx I finally gave in to my emotions and after my breakdown a few months ago he wondered how those happened out of the blue.

He kept saying how he couldn't understand where all this was coming from after 17 years. I figured it out- I have been living in hiding all these years and now that I've let the genie out of the bottle it's hard for those around me. Also hard for me bc I am finally allowing myself to feel things and feeling things is a lot harder than faking it.

I should have kept faking. I seem to cry a LOT more now. I never had depression breakdowns before- I was so good at hiding. Now I can't seem to escape my emotions.

[memson]

I know how you're feeling. I have gone through some of the same emotions. Before my Dx it was just something I dealt with without questioning or examining it. It just was. Now, when anything changes, I immediately begin analysing it. Did I take my med's? What's changed? How do I feel? The best thing I ever did was start keeping a mood journal on my iPhone; the worst thing I ever did was keep a mood journal!!! Now, I question my state three times a day.
There's no going back I'm afraid; we can't "unknow" what we now know. But, we can learn to consider it only as a 'part' of us and not the 'whole' us. It does not define us. We are still wonderful human beings with a whole lot to offer.
Warm hugs to you.

I do understand exactly how you feel. We became "aware", and there is no going back. I too have longed for the days of total ignorance.

After 45 years of ignorant bliss, I have a closet full of coping skills, and well, others.

But today, since I now have a label to what is wrong, I can take the appropriate steps to recovery such as medication and therapy.

Please don't give up and keep working on betterment.

[BipolaRNurse]

I totally get it. I wasn't diagnosed BP until I was 53, then BP 1 at age 55. What I didn't realize at the time was that I'd battled the illness since I was very young, and when I was dx'd it took so much of the pressure off that I basically fell apart. I'm still trying to put myself together, and sometimes I wish to high heaven that I'd never found out what was wrong.

But then I look back and realize that I no longer have the anger I carried around with me for so many years. I also know now that not every thought needs to be expressed and sometimes it's best to just let things go. I didn't understand any of that until I was medicated and my brain slowed down enough to enable me to grow up the rest of the way. So it hasn't been all bad.

[wildflowerchild25]

I experienced something similar with trauma. I repressed all my feelings about my dad's death for about eight years because I couldn't face it.mwhen I finally started allowing myself to feel, it was terrible. Everything went crazy for another two years. But it was the best thing I ever did because it allowed me to finally heal from the trauma of his death when I was little. I feel MUCH better in relation to that.

Similarly, when my symptoms returned two years ago I spent a lot of time pretending everything was ok, and when I finally admitted it wasn't and got an official DX everything kind of went haywire again. I found myself lying to doctors and therapists again for some reason. When I finally decided to be honest it hurt at first but now I feel SO much better.

Point is, not repressing your feelings sucks at first bc you're not used to feeling them. But it's absolutely worth it in the future. Things will improve as you learn to handle your feelings. It will get better, just hold on.