How do you get over the fear?

Hi everyone. I am new here and have spent the last couple of days reading the threads. A little background on me: I'm in my 30's, married with 2 kids. I work in the medical field which means that I know too much and not enough all at the same time. Pretty much enough just to scare myself.

My current situation is that I have been having issues with what I thought was depression and anxiety for years. The older I get, the more significant it feels. This year I have had what I thought were several episodes of depression that lasted 2ish weeks each. So I finally broke down and went to my dr for an antidepressant. I had taken citalopram in the past and had an immediate horrible reaction. I felt trapped in my own mind and extremely agitated. It took me about 10 days to recover from 5 days of meds. When I told my dr about that reaction he immediately said bipolar. Which of course made me very nervous.

I had requested to try wellbutrin because it is not an SSRI. He started talking about antipsychotics. I am familiar with the side effects so my anxiety just went through the roof. I am on day 3 of wellbutrin and am experiencing anxiety but I don't know if it is actually the medicine or if it is fear.

How do you handle the anxiety/fear/stress that this puts on you? Obviously I am getting ahead of myself. I don't have a definitive diagnosis, but looking back, I can kind of see it. I haven't had any serious swings, low or high, but the fear that I could in the future... I know I should take it one day at a time. I was just hoping someone could relate.

Welcome to PC. You've found a good group. Having both bipolar and GAD, I've worked for years on fear and axiety. For me it takes a comprehensive approach: a solid pdoc, the right medication, diet, exercise, cognitive therapy, and a wealth of loving support. I have to educate myself and stay on top of my challenges.

If I were you, I would get a comprehensive evaluation and diagnosis from the best pdoc you can afford and see quickly. From there, be proactive and dilligent about your complete mental health picture.

Best of luck!

moogs

Thanks for your response. Right now I feel the very strong and comforting pull of denial. I don't know that I'm ready to go in for a full eval. I have seen a counselor in the past on an as needed basis to help me through a couple of rough patches. I'm thinking of contacting him to help me talk through it. I'm wondering if I can get through without meds right now. I have always had a strong need to be in control of myself so "giving in" to meds feels like giving up my self control.

Hi Let It Go

It seems like you have a doctor who will take care of you. I'm not entirely sure if it was a psychiatrist you saw but if it wasn't perhaps you could get a referral to one for a screening?

My life revolves around anxiety and for me it's about being on the right meds, some have worked, some haven't, being on the right dose and finding a really good therapist to talk things through (I've been through my fair share of not so good therapists).

Just wondering if you've introduced yourself in the New Members forum?

I might have seen you there already.

Take care.

marking this thread for later- need to shower for work...

until then- welcome!

I have started to make friends with my anxiey. I tell myself that it's ok. I know this is scary, and that is ok. It is normal to feel scared when one is diagnosed with MI. Or any other serious illness for that matter. My anxiety is part of my illness as well. I have found that having a "conversation" with myself helps. This "conversation" is much like the one I would have with a frigthened child. It does not always work, but it is something I try to practice at least. My biggest fear is that my illness gets worse. But I try to focus on knowing that if that happens, I will get through that as well. I know that a lot of people have walked down that path and gotten through it. And a part of my illness to have bad periodes. It has taken me four years to get to this point, through cognitive theraphy, educating myself about anxiety, BP and depression. I know how hard this is to go through for you, because I have been there myself. I try to use my good periodes to think about these things, and it might take time away from other things, but it is worth it if it will help me get through the bad times better.

And also, go get the counceling. You can never have enough of that. Counceling is very effective also in better periodes, since then one might be more clear-headed and more able to consider things on a deeper level.

For the anxiety I mainly use relaxation and deep breathing techniques, using the Buddhify app on my phone, but there are many different ones out there.

The fear, I haven't had much luck with controlling that yet. I do try to remind myself to stay in the present moment which keeps me from worrying, therefor fearing the future.

Welcome to PC, Let It Go. The key is, as you said, not getting ahead of yourself. That's a lot easier said than done, but it is possible. Remember that your diagnosis doesn't define; it explains. I know I feel better when something is explained to me, even if I don't much like the explanation. I actually felt better when I got my bipolar Dx, because it explained the roller coaster ride that my life had been. So have faith, learn all you can, and take it a step at a time.

On the meds issue: I was put on SSRI's in 1999 when I was misdiagnosed with major depression, and they made me hypomanic. That cycle continued for almost fifteen years, without my even being aware of it, before I was correctly diagnosed last year. I am on Wellbutrin for depression and it's worked very well for me. It does work differently than SSRI's and, although the jury is still out, it seems to be the best med for treating depression in bipolar folks. Lithium of course is a whole 'nother story. I'm also on lamotrigine for mood stabilization, and a low dose of Abilify as well.

The dr is a medical doc. I'm sure I could get a referral to see one if I wanted. I am struggling with the label. I live in a small community and am friends with 2 people in my dr office. That is making it difficult for me emotionally because there is no anonymity and although things are supposed to be confidential, I'm not naïve enough to believe they wouldn't find out incidentally.

You are right. I have used it in the past to help when I was exhausted and angry. It really did help and eventually I had a smile on my face again.

I've been doing a lot of deep breathing for the last 5 days. lol I also have been using exercise for almost a year to help burn off some extra energy and clear my head. It has been very helpful. I am very afraid that as I get older, this could become debilitating. Just based on the fact that I did not have any fears/worries until I was in my mid 20's.

I'm stuck on the definition right now. I know you are right and totally get it but I'm still reacting on an emotional level. I think a lot of that is because I don't feel that my roller coaster has been that bad. I think I used my energy to help me focus on some short term goals that I had. Now that I have reached those, the outlet is gone. Now I have more time to notice and be self aware.

Today is day 4 of wellbutrin for me. I feel slightly jittery, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I still am not sure if it is me or the medication. After 7 days I will go up to 300mg from 150mg and I guess I will see. Tomorrow I have to go back to work so that will help me focus outside of my own head.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to help me think through things. I really appreciate it.

Jittery feelings have gone so that's good. I am irritable for sure though. Today is my first day back to work after taking some vacation time over the holidays. It is good to get back into a routine. I am not hungry at all which is unusual for me. If I can get the irritability under control I will be good to go.

Hi, The fear of being afraid is hard to deal with and I think it's the kind that many people have. How to deal with it. I would get the most information I could and than verify my fear with a therapist. Also, I would ask for referral to a psychiatrist if you can. Doctors are great but are not professionals in the field. Just remember that what you are afraid of is not there yet..deal with what is present now. Make now better maybe that will help. Hope you feel better and less anxious soon.

Hope you have had a couple of good days at work! I find that holidays/vacations can be very taxing, since I am not in my daily routine. Sticking to routines seems to help a lot of people with BP.

I know I'm coming in late on the conversation, but glad from your last post that you are starting to feel better. I have nothing to add to what has already been said, other than please accept a hug from me too

I have fear of having a severe depressive episode again. To counteract that as much as possible, I'm vigilant about medication (and maintenance ECT treatments, at least for now), exercise and therapy. I know there may be breakthrough episodes though so just trying to focus on the positive and, as someone else said, staying in the day is my strategy.

Once I had a diagnosis, I got the proper treatment and had a fighting chance. And I understand the small town dilemma. My hometown is a small town and, yes, people talk. It's an unfortunate reality, but I hope it won't prevent you from seeking treatment.

Welcome Let it Go-this is a very supportive forum & I hope it will be of some help to you. As a nurse I can certainly relate to the knowing too much & not enough. I denied my symptoms until 2010 when I finally broke down & was honest with my Dr. I had a really terrible experience with that as she was an MD-I encourage you to get a pdoc referral as MDs don't understand psych meds & behavior the way a pdoc would-like if you had the flu you wouldn't call the pdoc for an antibiotic. I'm glad you are feeling somewhat better & wish you the best-take care.

Hi and welcome to the boards! Mania like symptoms can be symptoms of anti-depressants and aren't always a sign of mania. Especially since you've had only mild/short episodes in the past, I would certainly seek a second opinion. That said PLEASE don't let me get your hopes up. I just want you to have all of the information available.

Here is some information from the psychiatrist on webmd. I often post him bipolar related questions and he is fast and friendly to get back to you. I also sometimes print his threads to share with my own doctor. I hope this helps:

avatar2 days ago
Joseph F Goldberg, MD replied to monkeybee's response:
Dear Sarah.
The relationship between antidepressants and mania remains complex and still not well understood or established even by experts, and the field changes its opinion about this every so often. Current thinking is that about 10-15% of people with bipolar disorder are vulnerable to becoming manic or hypomanic from antidepressants, and about another 15% have a favorable antidepressant response to antidepressants. The remainder likely have no clear benefit or worsening of their condition. If someone has a personal history of becoming manic from an antidepressant, we think their chances of that happening again with any antidepressant are higher than if it had never happened (though some research suggests that certain antidepressants have a higher risk than others -- such as SNRI's or tricyclics as opposed to SSRIs or Wellbutrin). The risk for developing mania from antidepressants seems to be highest in people with bipolar I disorder who have mixed features, past-year rapid cycling, recent mania,drug or alcohol problems, and prior antidepressant-induced mania.
If someone starts to develop mania symptoms while taking an antidepressant and those mania symptoms go away soon after stopping the antidepressant, experts consider that to be just a medication side effect. If the mania symptoms persist in full force after the antidepressant has left your system, that's considered bipolar disorder.
Dr. G.

Here is the link if you want to see the whole thread.
"Dr. G: Anti-Depressant": Bipolar Disorder Community - Support Group

Hope this helps!

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. I didn't come back here for a couple of days because I was beginning to focus on it too much. I started the 300mg dose of Wellbutrin today and did not have any negative effects. I am calmer, less irritable and am not holding onto my anger like I was. All good positives.

I am very much a routine kind of person. It helps me know what to expect as I get a little nervous about new situations. I am better than I used to be though.

I will be very glad to consider my reaction to citalopram a side effect. However another concern I had was that my sister had a very similar reaction to either Paxil or Prozac. I don't remember. I struggled with whether to tell her about possibly indicating bipolar disorder but I finally did because I do not want her to try another ssri. I'm not a fan of her medical dr as she tried to force her to take another ssri. The only reason she didn't was because I gave her a list of them so she was armed with information.

I think that right now I am going to chalk this up to a learning experience. I do not believe that my dr actually meant to diagnose me with bipolar disorder that day, it was more of a conversation of things to consider. Which promptly scared the crap out of me. I will definitely be much more aware of my moods just in case. I put an app on my phone to track my mood so I can see the changes.

I will be back off and on. This is an amazing and supportive community! <3