[jeanniebt]

I've been hospitalized twice, at neither time was I completely honest with the physician about my symptoms. My 1st was at the age of 18, and they dx'd me with a "chemical imbalance" (is that even a dx?), then recommended that I transfer to a "1/2 way house." I left thinking there was nothing wrong with me and without looking back. Second hospitalization was at the age of 31. At that time I had not slept in 4-5 days and was having major psychosis, though I was completely unaware of this. My mom insisted that I see someone immediately The doctor diagnosed me with bipolar 1, and I complied with tx for a short time, but only to resolve my current sx's that were causing major life disturbances. But again not for a second did I believe that this dx was accurate. In fact, until just recently I was convinced that this very highly respected physician was lying for the purpose of insurance payment. I am now 45, and just weeks ago came to the realization that I certainly do have bipolar. It has been an extremely destructive force in my life, and right now it's difficult coming to terms with all of it. Now I firmly believe that my 1st sx's began at around the age of 6 or 7. That is when the frequent night terrors began, as well as mood swings, and delusions.

Hi. I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a hard road. Now that you know and have accepted it, it will be easier to get the help you need. Do you have a psychiatrist? Are you on meds? Do you have a therapist/councellor?
Hugs to you.

[jeanniebt]

Thanks for your reply. I do not see a psychiatrist. I've been trying to find one in my area that will take me in as a patient, but without insurance, and very little money it seems hopeless. I did break down and see my family physician, told him my sx's. He prescribed depakote, but now I'm afraid to take it. He also prescribes me a low dose of Xanax, but I very rarely take it, since it doesn't really help my anxiety, only helps me to sleep occasionally. I think I might be in a mixed episode. I have a lot of paranoia, impulsiveness, delusions, and occasional hallucinations. I find it very difficult to understand my symptoms and where they fit into the different facets of this dx, but they do scare me knowing how destructive they can be.

It's a hard DX to swallow. Sure would be easier if there was a blood test. The good news is you now understand what's been plaguing you and you can move forward with greater knowledge and acceptance.

Best wishes

[Flyer]

Some states have mental health centers on a sliding fee scale. They may also have samples of meds from time to time. Check your local yellow pages under mental health and 'community' is often a key word in the name. You might also call your county nurse and ask if they know of such a place.

I hope that helps with your expense.

You will be best served by seeing a psychiatrist. They are brain chemists. Once doing better on meds, your regular MD can prescribe the same. I also recommend a therapist. They can help you identify tools to take care of yourself.

Best wishes.

[Victoria'smom]

Your best bet may be hospitalization. They'll get you stableish and the resources to help you take the meds. They'll try to get you low cost insurance so they get paid. If not you can pay $25 /month until it's paid. However it's a 10 day stay usually.

[UpDownMiddleGround]

Originally Posted by jeanniebt

I've been hospitalized twice, at neither time was I completely honest with the physician about my symptoms. My 1st was at the age of 18, and they dx'd me with a "chemical imbalance" (is that even a dx?), then recommended that I transfer to a "1/2 way house." I left thinking there was nothing wrong with me and without looking back. Second hospitalization was at the age of 31. At that time I had not slept in 4-5 days and was having major psychosis, though I was completely unaware of this. My mom insisted that I see someone immediately The doctor diagnosed me with bipolar 1, and I complied with tx for a short time, but only to resolve my current sx's that were causing major life disturbances. But again not for a second did I believe that this dx was accurate. In fact, until just recently I was convinced that this very highly respected physician was lying for the purpose of insurance payment. I am now 45, and just weeks ago came to the realization that I certainly do have bipolar. It has been an extremely destructive force in my life, and right now it's difficult coming to terms with all of it. Now I firmly believe that my 1st sx's began at around the age of 6 or 7. That is when the frequent night terrors began, as well as mood swings, and delusions.

Hang in there. As someone said to me yesterday, take care of you. I have not been hospitalized but there have been a couple of times that I truly should have. I'm just thankful to be on this side of it. I look back to childhood and see signs (as early as 5). I actually tried to have several conversations with my mother about concerns about my mental health (usually after a depressive episode) and she didn't listen. I look back to late teens and remember trying to be referred to a pdoc because I was seeing colors on my visual field. Left with dx of "i don't see anything, but I'm sure you are just seeing floaters." Never bought that. . . But ok. I'm not a doc. Currently, I have a T that i see weekly. I cash pay because my insurance does not pay for private care. I work in a field where I come in contact with individuals with dx all of the time. Public heath facility isn't an option. I pay my pdoc privately as well. I respect both, so I pay. It's a chunk of money but i just cut back in other places last year, my T wiped my bill clean and reduced my cost because I got behind a little bit and she knew I was having financial difficulty. Managing is a struggle WITH the resources, so I can't imagine managing without (at this point in my life). I've been officially dx for less than a year. I've been me my whole life. The dx is a lot to take in. Start with a T, start somewhere. Take care of you.

I was told I probably have bp several times in my 20's but I didn't want to believe it. But after I gave birth at 21 I had always been on an AD and a sleep med like doxepin or trazadone. That's when the docs think my bp started.

Then when I was 36 I went into a very scary psychosis. Didn't eat or sleep for 5 days. Ended up in the hospital and was diagnosed with bp 1 and PTSD. Was in for about 10 days, than I left but ended up back in for another 7-10 days bc I was still incredibly manic.

Well now I can totally see and accept that I have bp. It sucks, but you can learn to live with it. And I'll tell you being on the right meds can really help.

I think you should see if you qualify for Medicaid. I really think you need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist.

[deeplymorbid]

I can relate and sympathize. After my first manic episode and hospitalization, it was hard for me to come to terms with the diagnosis. But then, a year and a half later, I suffered another manic episode and could no longer deny that I was in fact Bipolar.

One thing made it particularly difficult for me to accept that I was ill: other people and their prejudice against mental illness. So many friends of mine from high school and college didn’t want anything to do with me when they found out I was Bipolar. It’s really, really sad how our society not only misunderstands BD but often actively discriminates against those who suffer from BD and other illnesses.

[cashart10]

I am so sorry you are going through this. My experience has been different but I hear you. I was diagnosed at 15 and thought it was cool at the time. I didn't believe it mind you, and I didn't understand it's severity, but at the time I liked the attention. Between 18 and 20, I started to get better. I was stable for about 8 years. I definetly had episodes; I just never attributed them to bipolar. I thought that I had been healed. Then, I had a major psychotic break and I fell apart. When I am in the middle of an episode now, bipolar feels like a life sentence. When I am well I am almost always immediately ready to come of my meds because I certainly do not have bipolar disorder. It can be very hard to accept!

[jeanniebt]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It helps to know there are others experiencing the same things that I do out there. I really hope that I can make it to the other side of this trying episode to a sense of normalcy again. I've had a lot of stress in my life recently, and last night I had auditory hallucinations. I have had some occasional visual hallucinations throughout my life, but as far as I can remember I've never had the auditory type. It was very frightening to me. I'm feeling a little better so far tonight. Thanks again for your replies!

[Tucson]

The BP DX was a relief for me. It explained so much of my life. i just thought I was screwed up with allot of problems. Now that it has a name, I can begin to forgive myself of all the terrible things that I have done in my life. What is strange is that I can still have doubts where maybe I was misdiagnosed after all. Boy the mind games I can okay on myself.

[Becoming]

Originally Posted by jeanniebt

I've been hospitalized twice, at neither time was I completely honest with the physician about my symptoms. My 1st was at the age of 18, and they dx'd me with a "chemical imbalance" (is that even a dx?), then recommended that I transfer to a "1/2 way house." I left thinking there was nothing wrong with me and without looking back. Second hospitalization was at the age of 31. At that time I had not slept in 4-5 days and was having major psychosis, though I was completely unaware of this. My mom insisted that I see someone immediately The doctor diagnosed me with bipolar 1, and I complied with tx for a short time, but only to resolve my current sx's that were causing major life disturbances. But again not for a second did I believe that this dx was accurate. In fact, until just recently I was convinced that this very highly respected physician was lying for the purpose of insurance payment. I am now 45, and just weeks ago came to the realization that I certainly do have bipolar. It has been an extremely destructive force in my life, and right now it's difficult coming to terms with all of it. Now I firmly believe that my 1st sx's began at around the age of 6 or 7. That is when the frequent night terrors began, as well as mood swings, and delusions.

Sorry to hear that you are having so many troubles with your Bipolar. It is challenging to accept and overcome at times. Especially when we enter into those sort of hopeless depression moods.

I'd recommend reading this thread: http://forums.psychcentral.com/bipol...r-bipolar.html

There is a lot of helpful comments on it from people who have had to comes to terms with accepting it. It is possible. I speak from experience. Accepting and managing my bipolar is very new to me within the last 4 months despite having been diagnosed for 4 years now. Remember, accepting it does not mean liking it, but rather making peace with it.