[jattitude74]

Life sucks right now big time. I have had a very bad week or so now and can't mentally take anymore! I have been trying so hard to control my rages and finally lost it. My husbands grandmother is dying, they don't know how she is still here. I have been the support person for my husband and his mother, as well as for my kids. I don't want to deal with it, I love her and I am gonna miss her but how many times do I need to bring my mother in law up there to say goodbye???? I think 4 times in the past few days is enough. So I flipped out on my husband today while he was at work, screamed at him, ranting and raving and then shut off my cell phone. How bad of a person does that make me???? He and his mom needed me to be strong and instead I lose It. He tried all day to call me and see if I was ok and couldn't get me so he left work early to come home. He stopped and bought me flowers, which i love. I am so tired of dealing with these moods, maybe I ought to have my meds upped who knows. Does it ever get any better then this? I have only been on my meds for 3 mo. or so. I wish I could make this all go away.

[bizi]

You are not abad person.
This sounds like a very stressful situation.
I hope that your husband deals with his family more instead of rellying on you to handle everything.
yes it does get better than this and the meds take time to work, what does your therapist say about this...is he/she teaching you some better coping strategies?
Perhaps your meds do need a bit of a tweeking...could you call your pdoc?
I am sorry that this is so hard right now...when ever someone in the family is ill it makes for the whole family to be inviolved.
Do you have any other family memebers who might be able to help.
would you be willing to ask for help?
I wish you well.
bizi

[Juliana]

You have been dealing with such a stressful situation. Being the support person that everyone is leaning on is so hard. It wears you out physically and mentally. I'm not bipolar and I'm pretty even-tempered, but I think it's likely that I would have flipped out if I were in your situation too.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Other people have been expecting a lot from you lately and it sounds like you're expecting too much of yourself. You're only human and you need time for yourself... especially in such a stressful time when everyone's emotions are high. Trying to fulfill everyone else's needs is more than you can do. It's just not a reasonable expectation to place on yourself. Sometimes you just need to take care of YOU or let someone else support YOU for a while.

I'm glad your hubby brought you flowers. You deserve flowers. Have you talked to your husband about how pressured you have been feeling? Can he help to lighten the load?

[jattitude74]

Thanks Bizi, i have an appointment with my pdoc the end of this month, it's the earliest he can get me in. As for a therapist, because of our crappy insurance I can't afford to go to one right now so I am relying basically on this message board to learn how to deal with things because everyone seems to be going through the same sort of issues. I was told to keep track of my moods with a mood chart. I always start out strong then forget for a week or so. So that is a flop!!! As for the whole family thing, my mother in law has 12 brothers and sisters and none of them seem to get along, so she has me and my husband and my father in law. Thats it. My husband works 70 hrs per week so that leaves me to handle everything. and to be honest if I had someone to ask for help I am not sure I could. Life is crazy! Thanks for the reply!!

[jattitude74]

Thanks Juliana, I know I do need support and time to myself but it is so hard, everyone has always leaned on me and depended on me for everything for so long it is hard to step away, even for a little while. My husband (even though he doesn't understand) is a great man. He knows my daily stresses, mood swings and he tries to deal with them and be supportive but he works 70 hours a week and he is not home much. I feel the need to be the one to handle everything. His mom and I are super close so when she needs help with anything I am always right there. Just having a hard time dealing with myself right now I guess. Thanks for the reply!!!

[bizi]

wow 70 hours is a lot....any way he could ask for less hours while dealing with a family(personal) issues at home?
this might help you...he sounds like he is in a manager postion..
hang in there and yes I agree again that you can't be a shoeffer and do your other household duties, raise children as well.
Be kind to yourself.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[jattitude74]

Trust me 70 hours is a lot!! But i only work part time and with the price of everything going up all the time it is crazy. He works all those hours so I can work part time. I guess if you add up all the work i do when I am "not working" we are about equal only I don't get paid for it!!! Gram passed away this morning.. Services are on Sat. I am scared to death to go. I have held it in all morning to be strong for the family and to be honest I feel nothing right now, is that wrong? I am just afraid that when it is all over I will completely lose it. I don't know which is scaring me the most losing it or not having any emotion at all. Am I even making sense or just rambling????? Thank you for being so kind.

[bizi]

It is called coping....kind of like shell shock.
It is also called grief...we express it many different ways...none are right or wrong they just are.
Your feelings must be tied up in knots.
Be gentle with yourself and realise that you are doing the best that you can be doing...I think you are doing well and didnot know that you were working outside the home as well.
Don't know how you manage all of that.
((((HUGS))))
bizi