[ocellaris]

Hello all

I was diagnosed with Bipolar around 2 years ago, after my boyfriend finally convinced me to go meet with a psychiatrist. He is bipolar as well, and he said I was showing all the signs of it. I have mood swings every few hours throughout the day, and it drives me insane. I've been feeling like this since freshman year of high school. I was initially put on wellbutrin for "depression", but it made me feel a lot worse-this was in HS junior year. I moved to live with my BF and it wasn't long before he told me I might benefit from seeing a psychiatrist. Once I gave in and went and gave seeing a psychiatrist a second shot, he immediately diagnosed me with ultradian cycling bipolar. I was put on Lamictal, Clonidine-for anxiety, and given Xanax in case I needed it. I was pretty hesistant for a year to take the meds, cause I just didn't feel I needed it.

But I was going downhill fast. I got a job in October, after a very long job hunt, and it was then that I started getting more on top of my meds. (tapered back on to Lamictal, not all at once to avoid rash). I function very well on it, but when I forget to take it or in the morning before it sets in, I hate who I am. I feel like I'm out of control, and its so frustrating!! Little things can make me snap, and I have a hard time calming down, I cry a lot, I turn into a grump, and I hate it. And then even when the meds kick in, I feel guilty as can be. And of course my BF is the one who deals with all of this first hand. Luckily even though I can be quite a maniac, he always just moves on, and he constantly supports me, but I feel so guilty!

My self-confidence is non existent, and I can be controlling too. I never used to be this way, prior to high school I had my life on track, and I felt on top of the world, then everything went downhill. I sometimes feel like I should just move out so he wouldn't have to deal with me. I don't know what to do lately. I don't try to be controlling, especially since I can't even take control of myself!

My meds really do keep me inline when they are working, but when I'm waiting for to kick in in the morning or if I forget, I feel like a monster.

Whats the best way to keep your emotions from getting to you? Does anybody feel guilty about mood swings when it effects others? Is there anyway to stop this? My BF never holds a grudge and always moves on, but I feel bad all day, for weeks at a time. And I hate how I can go from being happy to fully depressed in a matter of an hour or two. It's hard to function!

The other thing I don't know how to fix is my self confidence. I am so negative all the time, and everyone, even coworkers seem to notice, even though I'm not trying too! I get compliments and just shoot them down. I feel worthless, and I can't even complete simple tasks. I just try and avoid dealing with problems in life. Need to make a dentist appointment, and I can't get myself to do it, I just try to escape and do things that keep my mind off whats eating at me. I'm losing my mind

[kaliope]

hi ocellaris
if you get stabilized on meds and take them as directed then the cycles will stabilize and you wont have to deal with these mood swings anymore and that will take away all these feelings of guilt. i wish i had gotten control of my bipolar so early in life. seeing a therapist can help you gain the self esteem necessary to deal with these and other issues in your life. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[avlady]

i often can tell when i need to take my meds and that is usually how i determine when to take them if i don't go by the clock. i just get very very anxious before i need them, a bit grumpy, and it takes awhile in the morning for them to kick in. i hate going through mornings they are the worst part of the day because i need my meds. i am a lifer on meds, i'll always need them, i found that out after several tries of going off of them and ending up in the pshyc wards. i don't mind because i value my sanity, one thing i don't have off of meds.

[Flyer]

Originally Posted by ocellaris

Whats the best way to keep your emotions from getting to you?

Laughter, seeing the humorous side of things, distraction-doing something 'mindless' ie games, hobby, walk, go outside, puzzles, even wearing a pair of sunglasses or hat in uncomfortable/unfamiliar places, etc. Count my blessings, that I can not express how important that is for me.

Just my thoughts for now but they could change at any minute with the state I'm in.

BF: [Over 16 years ago.] A good therapist told me that it was not my place to question my bf's reasons for being with me. That is his decision, and his alone. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Control: Personally, when I'm in that mode it may well be that I am not in control of myself, and feeling out of control and grasp to try to control anything/one. It is also easier to see the faults in others than to look at myself. Realistically I can control no one but myself, and only I can make me do anything/feel anything. ie. Not depending on others to make me happy, feel better, etc.

Self confidence: This takes some practice. It is okay to love yourself, accept yourself, tell yourself "I did good!", give yourself a pat on the back. Maybe start by telling yourself one good thing you did that day for a week. Next week do 2. It would help if you could do it in front of a mirror.

Praise: Accepting praise takes practice too. I often felt 'under a spotlight', embarrassed, etc. Finally I started by practicing 'It is okay to just say Thank You'.

Meds: Set some water and meds next to your bed/alarm clock and make it a habit to take them before you venture off the bed. I find that pill minders only 'remind' me when I remember to take them. They are helpful though to make sure I get the same dosages every day. Keep an extra pill in your purse/car/whatever for just in-case you forget.

Procrastination: No help here but to say I do this too. Often to the point of waiting til I Have to go or do something. I need to improve, but that doesn't make me a bad person.

If necessary, apologize, but don't forget to give yourself a break too and forgive yourself/condition-if that's easier. You are a valuable person whether you chose to believe it or not, you still are. Despite our faults, there are people who do forgive us and love us just the way we are, just as we do the same for them. There is no such thing as a perfect person.

Oh, the boyfriend? That man waited for 14 years for me to be 'ready' to say "I do". I did. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and my forever best friend. Despite my shortcomings he loves me just the way I am.

In the mean time, if I happen to find your mind here amongst my clutter, I'll be sure to let you know, if you promise to do the same for me. If not, I'll just use yours for a while.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central ocellaris. Sorry to hear you are being overwhelmed with emotions until the meds kick in. A friend went on a trip for me and got very sick from not taking the meds.

After that we have a weekly pill box and it stays right on the kitchen table so two people can check if pills taken or not. Having breakfast together means we help each other remember.

Also another aid is to set an alarm on the cell phone that annouces the time to take the pills.

Talking to your psychiatrist, maybe there is some med that you can take when you get very depressed. Something that is taken only as needed with a small dose so it does not knock you out.

My expectations have been the source of much anxiety. Probably that perfectionist mother for whom nothing was ever good enough. That really wiped out my self esteem for years. Getting a therapist can help root out invisible patterns that foul my attitude so easily.

There are other forums that might be of interest
http://forums.psychcentral.com

Steps to Better Self-Esteem - Forums at Psych Central

If you wish to post or reply to other forums, you are welcome to. You can private message me or any Community Liason (left click on name to left of post person made then select private message.)

[healingme4me]

Sounds like a lengthy list of things you want to see changed. Small steps, even starting with learning to accept a compliment is a step towards feeling better. A simple thank you or much appreciated, and nothing further is a small goal.
Just wanted to welcome you, to PC. Hope you find the support you need.

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[~Christina]

Are your seeing a Therapist? I honestly think Therapy is just as important as medications. Therapy is a great place to learn ways of managing Bipolar better, It certainly can help you regain your self esteem and self worth( was a huge problem for me) just learning to cut yourself a break when Bipolar jumps up and slaps you so hard it's difficult to take a deep breath let alone handle everything in your daily life.

Welcome to PC

[Mimielam]

I can relate to feeling that way. I can just say that when I can just move on..well I guess I'm doing good..but when it get in the way it's time to call my pdoc good luck

[Lexi232]

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