How can I possibly forgive myself?

I look at my past. I continue mulling about it. Sometimes all the time. I have left a trail of pain and irrepairably damaged relationships, bodies littered on the floor. I still wonder what is wrong with me, how could I do such mean and thoughtless acts. I get really depressed. And I think of the past even more.

I wish there was a switch on my head that will turn off this pain I continue to give myself. I want the past removed from my brain. Because if I continue to dwell on the past, I will have no future. I have been at times a real awful person to those close to me. Furthermore, I have burned all bridges to professional success. I blame myself for the failures in my life.

How can I forgive myself? What I did to others? What I did to myself? I am now on disability. I continue to have problems with my mind, both affective and cognitive. My daughter deserves better. Not the crazy father. But one who is stable in all aspects of his life, in his relationships and a successful career that can pay for her college. Be a good example to her.

I have said enough.

You sound like me. I am always raging/regretting. Filled with guilt.

we ave all done things we regret. deeply regret. things we cant take back. this illness ****ing sucks. i ranted with my t that bipolar was my god, the one consistent in my life, that it controled my desitiny. i still feel guilty about things i have done but i dont let it depress me because i know i have an illness that prevents me from making wise choices. causses me to do crazy *** ****. but i have always done the best i can with what i have and i am proud of that. i can t get blood out of a turnip but i have made the best turnip soup possible. maybe people dont like turnip soup but the is the best i have to offer. dont be so hard on yourself.

Your daughter deserves you, a man that thinks about his past to learn from it to be a better dad. You're doing a wonderful job raising your daughter and I'm sure her grants and scholarships for college will prove that. As for accepting your past realize that we're all flawed and you are no more flawed then others just it's in a unique way.

How do I forgive myself?

I cannot imagine what my daughter thinks of me. And others. So much to undo. An uphill battle. I wish I could learn how to forgive myself. I think this would be a start for me. I do not think I will ever be able to forget the past and what I have done to others.

What can I do?

You can talk to your daughter...


Idk how old she is, and the ground you'll cover will obviously have to be age appropriate, but it seems like a good starting point to me.


If you open up the lines of communication with her, and keep them open, hopefully it will leave you less guilt riddled and maybe in future lead to forgiveness.


One of the worst things I had to come to terms with having this dx, is fearing my daughter would grow up to resent having a crazy mom.


According to her, she doesn't mind the rages scare her though, so I try even harder to shelter her from them as far as possible, but the most important thing is, she doesn't blame me for having BP, for being strange or however she interprets it at this age.


Knowing this took a load off my shoulders, made me feel less guilty as a parent.


Yes I still think she deserves better, but knowing she doesn't want anyone except me, despite of me, well its a beautiful thing to say the least.


Who knows, maybe she'll change her mind when she hits her teens, probably, but for now she knows her mommy has huge mental monsters to battle and doesn't hold it against me.


Seems to me your daughter and how she may perceive you is a major sore spot for you. So that's why I suggest working on your relationship with her, it may open the kind of doors you need to a better tomorrow.

You know, I've destroyed a many lives in the past. I feel bad for anyone that have gotten close to me. I hurt them baaaad.

I want to un- become that person of the past. Being aware now that I have mental issues is a good step into being a better person. We can learn from our past. I learned that I don't want to be that past person.

The past is the past, the future is yet to come. I'm more focused on the here and now so that my future isn't like my past. Everybody is watching. They don't listen to words, they watch what you are doing. If you behave like a crazy person, you are treated as such. If they see a person trying to pull it together, then their faith and trust in you will grow.

I gave up on woulda coulda shoulda because this is the way it's suppose to be. Just got to make the best of it. Good luck and I hope you get to feeling better hun!

Depression is 'regret for the past and fear for the future'
Forgive yourself. Let go of the guilt. We had all done things we beat oursleves up about, it does no good at all.

I struggle with this too. Heres an article with 9 steps to forgive yourself. I found thats pretty good...you have to ignore the adverts but the basic ideas are good.

How to Forgive Yourself: 9 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow

Yes we may have done things, but seriously, there are many many other people who have hurt others bipolar or not. No one is perfect.

I've been on disability for five years and diagnosed bipolar for 21. I sometimes ask myself the same questions you have written here. My daughter, one worry you have commented about, loves me and is putting herself through school. Your daughter can do the same. Honest.

About employment, there are Vocational Rehabilitation services that, if your pdoc says you're ready, you can go through and perhaps find employment.

The road to forgiveness is different for each of us. Mine started with asking my Higher Power to do the forgiving *for* me, for I could not -- and the path started with me trying to live in the present and not in the past, which I could not change.

I regret many things, not the least of which is the fact that I was always angry when my kids were small, and so I couldn't enjoy them nearly as much as I wanted to. I wish I could have a do-over but of course I can't. Over the past few years, I have been beating myself up over this, and having a hard time distinguishing the "real" me from the disease. My therapist has been helping me realize that my bad choices were uncharacteristic and probably due to the bipolar. But I'm very careful not to use that an an excuse in my relationships with others.