What about bipolar do you hate the most?

I hate the never-ending, treatment resistant depressive episode it has cast me into

One of the most consistently annoying things about my bipolar is having to drive all the way to town every month to have the lab check my CBC before the pharmacy can fill my clozapine. I don't mind the needle stick but sometimes the weather isn't nice and sometimes I feel too tired to make the long drive and it becomes a burden.

Guess it would be the mixed state

Having to deal with the freaking medical profession.

Not being well enough to work. Having to give up my career. I worked in a big hospital for a while, and now I go there to get medical help myself. It feels like a sad reminder.

I hate having to fight with all of my being not to sleep more than twelve hours every day. The fighting makes me even more exhausted, so sometimes I just give up and let my body do its thing, but then I feel guilty that I slept instead of doing some schoolwork or housework.

I hate NEEDING so much. Meds. Docs. And having to let other people help me. Like I am some kind of person with an illness or something. Oh yeah....

The mixed state can be a biitch for sure. That's the only time I SH. I'm also at my worst. I have no friends then.

I hate myself because I have this disordered brain! I never know when I am going to be maniac and then I get irritable and go into a rage. I hate when I am depressed like I am now. Lastly I hate the stigma. I hate hearing "oh it's just like high blood pressure or diabetes. . . if you take your medicine you will be fine." I say not hardly!

I know what you mean. If I had friends they'd run for the hills for sure! (As would I if it were possible to escape myself(!)) I am utterly UNBEARABLE! Absolutely horrid. Of The Whopper I say that BF should have put me in a cage. I would have(!) SO much vicious (out loud!) self talk (inside, I'd be screaming at myself, "shut up shut up shut up!! You sound demented!!" But I couldn't stop, which only fueled it more. <shudder>) So much flailing. Ugh. So very unbearable, inside and out.

I'll rise this thread from the ashes so I don't bring down the other thread "What do you like about BP?"

As I was reading that thread it occurred to me that all the things people like about BP I either do not experience (massive euphoria) or intensely dislike. As I said, I don't really experience euphoria, at least not the kind that so many describe and I have witnessed myself (I'm not the only one in my family with BP). I do know the feeling in a limited way. When I impulsively spend money on something I don't need and will have a hard time paying for. I remember when I bought a Gibson Les Paul (guitar). I was so stoked. I felt like a rock god. Problem was, I can't play worth a damn and that guitar cost me $1600. Euphoria is expensive.

Speaking of money, impulsive spending has just about put me into bankruptcy numerous times. So, no fun there. I always buy stuff that I don't need because of some obsession I have at the time. For example: I have a Trek mountain bike that is worth more money than my first (or second) car. I got it into my head that I was gonna go be a mountain biker.........I'm 47, I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and the most strenuous thing I've don in 15 years is shift gears.

Creativity? Sure, I get all kinds of ideas into my head, everything from designing tiny houses to full on mansions. Furniture, decks, you name it, I have a drafting program and I'll design it. But designing isn't half as fun as building is it? So off I go to spend more money buying material to build a project no one needs or wants. Problem is, I end up with so many projects that none ever get finished and then my particular form of mania dries up and I've got 10 projects that I'm neither interested in nor want anymore. Sigh!

Speaking of my particular form of mania, I do not get happy. Oh no, that would be nice. I run the gamut from mildly irritated to outright rage. I feel like I'm crap, the world is crap and everyone around me is crap. No one can do anything correctly and they can't do it fast enough for me. I'm a grumpy, irritable *** to everyone around me. Just the guy ya wanna spend the weekend with, Huh?

Racing thoughts. All my life my mind races a million miles an hour. I've had insomnia so long I almost don't know what to do with myself now that the meds put me to sleep. I think that the slightly stoned, loopy and spacy feeling I have some of the time is a small price to pay for the relative peace in between my ears. At least I can follow a train of thought to its conclusion without getting derailed by some triviality.

Delusions of grandeur: Hoo boy I wish I had a redo button for my life. "nuff said.

And finally....depression. This is where I spend the majority of my life. I could deal with all the rest if I could just get rid of this. I go for months at a time not wanting to leave a dark room. I don't want anyone around, I don't wanna talk I just want it to stop. Or me to stop. I usually don't care which.

I can think of nothing about BP that I like. It seems to bring out the worst of my personality. It has caused upheavals and disasters in my life since I was a teen. I destroyed my marriage and damaged many other relationships. And I never knew why it all kept happening. I always thought I just had a "forceful" personality, no I was just an a-hole., I was convinced I was always right, nothing was wrong with me...its the rest of the world thats screwed up. I was insufferable.

End of rant.

mixed states. being unable to think clearly. feeling so internally chaotic but misunderstood from he outside.

Anxiety!!!! So frequent. I'm depressed then anxious abt everything I'm manic then I become paranoid. Anxiety that stems from symptoms.

Right on. Get Ya. I like to put an ad in the paper and spend other people's money to buld a deck. Porch, house, remodel! It so much fun when they hand you a 3k check. I luv it!

I hate insomnia...long ago I had a girlfriend whose ex-husband killed himself (he was a doctor/MD), anyway my insomnia is mild but consistent with cycling of 2-10 off / 1-2 weeks on - when on I must quit coffee and sweets, manage chronic pain (back) which is a trigger and pray...insomnia scares me...Michael Jackson, remember him?

You must learn to love yourself somehow...if not, your susceptible to fall for self destructive behavior, drugs, alcohol etc.
This is not your fault!

I hate my irritability and my epic -don't want to get out of bed- depression

When I am in my irritable phase, I am a monster and haven't yet managed to control it really. I have to warn my partner about it when I feel it, on the fear that I will say something I will regret later on (he is still trying to understand what's going on with me).

The epic depression is something that cripples me, being a student who needs to travel to class (2 hour trip) everyday and be functional in a high stress environment. Because I have been going through this phase quite often, I am now even switching studies.

Unfortunate that I need to switch studies because of it, but I am noticing that I need to take care of myself first.

Not being able to control myself and change my mood. Deciding to shift is not an option.

Oh my goodness, if i hear that ONE MORE TIME!! This mess is not like anything else! It is an entity of it's own!!

Please add: And people think you choose to be that way.

Another part I hate is the suicidal parts. The ideation, the wanting, the urge.

Holy Crap!
Does this ever sound like me, with the exception of the high dollar spending... I have piles of things that I had grand ideas for, but after getting them home, I lost my momentum to do them...

So easily distracted, even driving is scary now.
Start out to do something, make a left turn and totally loose sight of what I started to do.

Yep the stop the world I want to get off part so sucks

Wanting to die even though my life is so beautiful

The sky is sunny and crystal blue, birds are flying. All the bills are paid and caught up. The kids are behaving like angels. Friends and family are excited and glad to see you. Life couldn't be more perfect.

I want to crawl into a cave and be left alone to cry.