[helpme1414]

I need help. I am in a relationship with someone who is bipolar and I'm losing her. I can't find any help for loved ones trying to help someone with bipolar disorder. I don't want to give much info because i don't know if she could see this (i know she is on some bipolar support sites) and become angry with me. I'm sure many people here are understanding of the anger bipolar causes and that is not her fault. But it is devastating and I'm out of ideas for helping us. I don't want to lose her, but i can't seem to do anything to help us without making her angry and she is getting sick of me (her bipolar is getting sick of me). I can't find a way to save us or anyone to help me. Please, I'm desperate. If anyone can direct me where to go for help for a loved one desperately fighting for a relationship with someone suffering bipolar, i need the guidance.
Thank you,
Desperate for help

[venusss]

Without specifics it's hard to say much.

Just be sure you don't blame bipolar ex machina for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. SOmetimes relationships break up because two are not compatible and one does not say "it was her normal's fault".

Sometimes you need to talk and comminicate and not blame everything on bipolar. And bipolar people have faults too and sometimes things are their fault. Bipolars are humans with all it entails.

[helpme1414]

Thank you for responding. I don't believe this is a situation where we are not compatible. She has noticed herself that the disorder has been escalating and the meds aren't working like they should. I'm not here casting blame, i hope you could read that in my post. I am seeking help, resources, anything to help us stabilize. Communication is a great thing for her and i to use but it is shutting down more and more. I can barely mention a thought or feeling without making her angry anymore. It's becoming impossible to have a discussion or communicate without it escalating. I'm trying to find support for loved ones trying to help with this disorder. Alternatives, ideas, anything. I'm trying to save what we had (it was magical, functional, and perfect) so we don't lose each other while trying to figure things out.

[Nammu]

I don't know what she's feeling or if this is in any way helpful. But for me I can't stand people trying to fix me or help me if I don't ask first. When I do ask it is for that moment. You can try asking her if she wants you to help or if she would rather you just be an accepting support letting her experience what she needs to experence. Empathy is not easy, it means trusting the hurt person to let you know when they need you. Of course if she becomes an immediate threat to herself or other you need to call a professional, don't try to handle that on your own.

[Victoria'smom]

1. Get therapy for yourself
2. Know this will pass
3. When it does get family therapy
4. Get her therapy

Has/can she call her Dr?

[KagedBird]

Originally Posted by helpme1414

I need help. I am in a relationship with someone who is bipolar and I'm losing her. I can't find any help for loved ones trying to help someone with bipolar disorder. I don't want to give much info because i don't know if she could see this (i know she is on some bipolar support sites) and become angry with me. I'm sure many people here are understanding of the anger bipolar causes and that is not her fault. But it is devastating and I'm out of ideas for helping us. I don't want to lose her, but i can't seem to do anything to help us without making her angry and she is getting sick of me (her bipolar is getting sick of me). I can't find a way to save us or anyone to help me. Please, I'm desperate. If anyone can direct me where to go for help for a loved one desperately fighting for a relationship with someone suffering bipolar, i need the guidance.
Thank you,
Desperate for help

She sounds like me...I hope you find an answer

[helpme1414]

Thank you for the input. The help I'm needing is a little different. I'm not trying to "fix" her. She has a disorder, she's not needing fixed and there is not a cure for the disorder. "Fixing" is not on my agenda. I'm trying to help her "cope" with the disorder (and myself too). I understand what she's going through and can empathize how it's making her feel, even if i don't understand the feelings or the effects bipolar has on her from personal experience. I can still witness the effects it has on her and imagine how painful, angering, lost, hopeless, and out of control she must feel. I do step back quite often when she says she doesn't want to talk, or her triggers have caused her to become so angry i know we can't resolve anything until it passes. And i wait. But the fights are increasing in frequency to where we now fight every other day and the fight will take days sometimes before she is calm again and able to talk. I'm scared, she is taking about leaving when she is angry and things are deteriorating. The help i need is support. Help for her and i to learn how to have a relationship and work through this together. I'm not here trying to fix her or blame her or anything in those regards. I'm looking for help for us and our family so we don't lose what was so wonderful because we couldn't find a way to handle this. That is what I'm desperately trying to find

[helpme1414]

I am all for getting therapy for myself, but the only thing i "know" to try to fix is my growing self esteem problems. I feel my self esteem bottoming out and don't like myself much anymore. I can talk about that. But the things she feels are wrong with me i can't explain because i don't understand why she feels that way. She sees them. I really need her to be able to explain it so the therapist can try to understand what she is seeing and help me find out how to do better for her. But thank you, that is a very possible solution and i will continue to try to set that up.

I do understand this will pass, but the frequency had increased to where we go through this every other day. She's talking about leaving and not seeming as loving or sure of us during the short times things are good. I'm afraid one of these times it will pass and she will be gone.

we are trying to get into family therapy, or at least that was what we were doing before our current fight. I'm praying she is still wanting to go.

she is currently in therapy. I don't know how is going and struggling to ask for fear of angering her.

she has called her doctor and is trying new meds. I'm praying we find some that can help us return to where we used to be.

Thank you so much for the suggestions

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

1. Get therapy for yourself
2. K[/B][/B]now this will pass
3. When it does get family therapy
4. Get her therapy

Has/can she call her Dr?

[helpme1414]

Thank you. I hope so too. I am running out of ideas and desperate. There is nothing like her and i was blessed to find her. To lose her now from this would be devastating beyond words or comparison. I'm so scared right now I'm shaking and feel like I'm losing my mind along with my heart and soul. She is everything to me

[kloonbloon28]

Be patient. You sound a lot like my husband and this sounds like what we are going through. It will take time for her meds to work. I will rage at my husband out of no where and then apologize the next day when I'm in a better state of mind. She may be very down right now and that may be why she seems disconnected. Just let her know you are there for her and that you love her. If she doesn't try to seek help, take her meds, or work on the marriage with you (specifically when she is feeling better) then that may be the time to re evaluate your marriage.

[helpme1414]

...and there it is. Full break down. Thank god I'm home alone...lol. thank you for the input. I appreciate it. Just thinking about re-evaluation is too much right now. I'm so scared of losing what I've fought my whole life for...i just can't think about that. I have to hope we can find a way and she doesn't give up. I'll keep trying to weather the storm and hope meds, and some of these therapy sessions we're trying to get into will help us get through this. Ok...off to clean the tears and snot of my face...lol. thank you again

Originally Posted by kloonbloon28

Be patient. You sound a lot like my husband and this sounds like what we are going through. It will take time for her meds to work. I will rage at my husband out of no where and then apologize the next day when I'm in a better state of mind. She may be very down right now and that may be why she seems disconnected. Just let her know you are there for her and that you love her. If she doesn't try to seek help, take her meds, or work on the marriage with you (specifically when she is feeling better) then that may be the time to re evaluate your marriage.

[BionicBipolar]

Bipolar relationships are the hardest. Definitely get therapy for yourself. That should be a huge priority. It will #1 show her you're making an attempt, and you may learn something about this disease you didn't know. Also, living with us is hard.... we make everyone need therapy. ; )
Give her her space when she needs it. And BE PATIENT. Our emotions are incredibly heightened. What you may think you're saying in one wat may be heard by her in a completely different way.
LISTEN TO HER; let her speak;don't interupt; And by listen, I mean don't just hear the words, actually listen to what she is saying, evaluate the meaning. Reiterated back to her what you hear her saying so there is nothing list in translation so to speak.
Learn about our disease. There is a pretty decent list going on here of some really good reads. You never know what you'll learn. And that too will show her that you really do care, and NOT just saying the words.
I've been in this boat many times with my partner, he just couldn't get it for the longest time. We were together almost 3 yrs and it was perfect in the beginning. But then my symptoms starting increasing in severity and frequency. My life suddenly went to hell.I still am not sure if I was misdiagnosed or if I just transitioned. He's trying still today, by doing what I suggested to you. He said going to therapy himself has been very helpful, as well as reading up on the disease.
God luck to you! Remember, we're always here!

[BionicBipolar]

Originally Posted by helpme1414

I understand what she's going through and can empathize how it's making her feel, even if i don't understand the feelings or the effects bipolar has on her from personal experience.I can tell you right now that's a mistake your making right there. "I understand what she's going through..." No. No you don't. You don't have the 1st clue. And don't say that to her either. Nobody knows what someone who has bipolar is going through unless they themselves have the disease. And even then, each person is different. I can still witness the effects it has on her and imagine how painful, angering, lost, hopeless, and out of control she must feel. I do step back quite often when she says she doesn't want to talk, or her triggers have caused her to become so angry i know we can't resolve anything until it passes. And i wait. But the fights are increasing in frequency to where we now fight every other day and the fight will take days sometimes before she is calm again and able to talk. I'm scared, she is taking about leaving when she is angry and things are deteriorating. The help i need is support. Help for her and i to learn how to have a relationship and work through this together. I'm not here trying to fix her or blame her or anything in those regards. I'm looking for help for us and our family so we don't lose what was so wonderful because we couldn't find a way to handle this. That is what I'm desperately trying to find

I feel for you. I've been on this bus before. We are incredibly difficult to have a relationship with. The first thing you need to do is get that "I understand..." out of your head, and off your lips. 2nd, as "Miguels mom" suggested, therapy for yourself. Anyone who is in any sort of long term relationship with one of us is going to need therapy. We tend to do that to people. No, seriously. It will not only help you as a person, but also help you to help her. They will be able to help you understand her, give you some tools to help your relationship, and some tools in some "what if" situations. 3rd, listen to her when she does talk to you. REALLY listen. Actually HEAR the words, and the meanings of the words she is saying. Not only the spoken, but the unspoken as well. 4th get to know us and our disease. There is a thread on here with a pretty good list of books running. There are a few on there about families with bipolar, etc. Or just go to your local bookstore and see what you can find on relationships and bipolar. She'll appreciate the effort you're putting in to learning more about how to cope/live with/love someone with bipolar. 5th BE PATIENT WITH HER. Know that this disability is not her. It does not define her, although there are times that it may control her. And as frustrating and aggravating as it is for you, put yourself in HER shoes once. How do you think SHE feels? (key word there being "think" because truly you'll never know, but imagine)
My partner and I were in a very similar situation as you are not so long ago. We had been together for a little over 4 years when all of a sudden it's like someone turned on a switch and I became jekyl and hyde. I made 3 serious attempts on my life in a span of 6 months. All of the things I suggested are things he did/still doing. We are still together today, going on 7 years. It's not without it's a bit rocky times, but it's definitely much MUCH smoother sailing now. He says he owes a lot to the therapy, and the books.
Best of luck to you kids! Check in here as often as you like.

[helpme1414]

Thanks for the advice, but it is irrelevant now. She finally calmed enough to speak to me and had made it very clear what i feel is secondary to what she is feeling. I think she has a relationship going on the side and she doesn't want to hear about my "poor me" feelings. I guess that says it all. I appreciate your suggestions but it appears like i don't matter as much as i hoped i did. I won't be checking in anymore, unfortunately, i don't see a point anymore. Thank you again for the care and concern.

Originally Posted by BionicBipolar

I feel for you. I've been on this bus before. We are incredibly difficult to have a relationship with. The first thing you need to do is get that "I understand..." out of your head, and off your lips. 2nd, as "Miguels mom" suggested, therapy for yourself. Anyone who is in any sort of long term relationship with one of us is going to need therapy. We tend to do that to people. No, seriously. It will not only help you as a person, but also help you to help her. They will be able to help you understand her, give you some tools to help your relationship, and some tools in some "what if" situations. 3rd, listen to her when she does talk to you. REALLY listen. Actually HEAR the words, and the meanings of the words she is saying. Not only the spoken, but the unspoken as well. 4th get to know us and our disease. There is a thread on here with a pretty good list of books running. There are a few on there about families with bipolar, etc. Or just go to your local bookstore and see what you can find on relationships and bipolar. She'll appreciate the effort you're putting in to learning more about how to cope/live with/love someone with bipolar. 5th BE PATIENT WITH HER. Know that this disability is not her. It does not define her, although there are times that it may control her. And as frustrating and aggravating as it is for you, put yourself in HER shoes once. How do you think SHE feels? (key word there being "think" because truly you'll never know, but imagine)
My partner and I were in a very similar situation as you are not so long ago. We had been together for a little over 4 years when all of a sudden it's like someone turned on a switch and I became jekyl and hyde. I made 3 serious attempts on my life in a span of 6 months. All of the things I suggested are things he did/still doing. We are still together today, going on 7 years. It's not without it's a bit rocky times, but it's definitely much MUCH smoother sailing now. He says he owes a lot to the therapy, and the books.
Best of luck to you kids! Check in here as often as you like.

[stressedmama]

No she doesn't feel your feelings are secondary, and no she most certainly does NOT have a relationship going on the side. And you most CERTAINLY DO matter to her more than you think. You just were too concerned trying to see things that weren't there to see that. But I think eventually you'll come around to see she loves you more than you'll ever be able to know or understand. And NOBODY could ever replace you in her heart, nor does she ever want to try to put anyone in your place.