[Starks518]

I am going to attempt to not be too long winded with this and be as clear as I can although my mind feels all over the place lately. Two months ago my relationship ended, it did not go smoothly. The relationship was only for 5 months but it became very intense VERY quickly. She is bipolar (not sure if 1 or 1) with rapid cycling and on meds for at least 2 years. I was undiagnosed bipolar at the time and dealing with the loss of a parent and a very close friend of mine at the end of a terminal illness. The relationship quickly turned into being with one another all of the time (outside of work), in love, her claiming numerous times she was "terrified" of losing me, didn't know what she would do, would text repeatedly and call if it seemed like I was pulling away. In reality I was suffering with grief. But I did whatever I needed to reassure her and comfort her so I would not have to deal with childish temper tantrums when she felt insecure plus I did love her so I wanted her to be happy regardless if I was only asking for 15 minutes to just be able to sit alone by myself. When we had good times it was AMAZING but on the other hand when we had bad times it was absolutely horrible and the demise of our relationship was not an easy one. At all.

That was two months ago; I have since also been diagnosed with bipolar and I have been quite depressed the last two months. Nothing seems to help. I do have my good days or moments throughout the day but I miss her tremendously. I felt the depression was slightly easing up and things looking a bit sunnier then I decided to voice my thoughts to her about how I do miss her. Considering how in the relationship she went on and on about how she thought she loved me more than I loved her, she couldn't stand the thought of losing me, she wanted to be with me for a long time, she called and sent texts from the moment she woke up until the moment she was falling asleep, etc I thought maybe if I said hello, asked how she was, and expressed that I do still care for her and miss her that perhaps we could take a look at being friends.

I was very wrong. The response I got was something I never imagined from her as I had NEVER had her speak to me this way ever. She was angry, not receptive, and incredibly mean. Which makes me think back to all the times she claimed she always hurt everyone she loved and would say really mean/nasty things. I never believed any of that when she would say it because she was so incredibly nice to me. I couldn't imagine her being nasty or saying really hurtful things to anyone she was previously in relationships with. I suppose it is my turn now? Long story short, it has sent me back into a major depressed state. For the past two days I have cried on and off, don't want to do anything, all the hope I was feeling about thinhs looking up has vanished, I cry to my mom and best friend all day and insist that moving 6 states back home is my only option (to the point where I feel like I'm just going to get in my car and leave).

What should I do? I can't shake this and don't want it to turn into months of me not being able to get back on my feet. Were we absolutely doomed from the get go considering all of our issues? Did she really even love me or maybe it was something else and why would she do a complete 180 to being this horribly nasty person to me when I was extending an olive branch? I'm sorry if I'm in a million different places at once but I don't know what to do.

[kaliope]

i am sorry that your girlfriend responded in such a nasty way. when you are hurting i would look at the response she has had toward you and question if this is somebody you really want in your life. somebody who is so cold and callous to you certainly in the long run would be hurtful to you. so it may be best that you have found out now.

[Gray Rider]

i was in this situation several times, she's gone and you'll be better off.
hope you get some relief from the depression, look out for you.

Welcome to PC, Starks518!
Her behavior you describe here is classic Borderline. We can't diagnose, and I'm not saying she doesn't have bipolar (maybe she has both, dunno), but of what you describe, I don't see bipolar in it. But I see nothing that isn't Borderline.

The reason I say this is because it may help give you insight. See, for a long time, my BF's borderline behavior confused the heck out of me, but once I knew what was actually going on, it was easier to understand (and not take personally. Well, as personally ).
Here's a link
Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central

One of the biggies you're seeing in this situation is the idealization/devaluation symptom. And it involves very black and white thinking. All or nothing. The 180 degree turn. In this kind of thought pattern, there really isn't middle ground. The important thing for you in that is understanding that it's NOT YOU. You did not suddenly become any of the things her meanness threw at you. So do not take them to heart (easier said than done, I know), because they do not reflect reality. They do not reflect who you are. The only thing they reflect is her distorted thinking. Which is almost undoubtedly contributing to your depression, because we think mean things about ourselves in depression, and it feels like a confirmation of those things. IT ISN'T.

You can't fix her. She'd have to really want to do that. For herself. Since no one wants to be told their perception of the world isn't accurate(!), it's not very likely she would seek help in the first place. Or see the need for it, as it's "everyone else" causing the problem. Also, it takes a lot of hard work on her part.

The drama's not helpful in your managing your BP, so best advice is to learn from it and leave it at that.

[RisuNeko]

I think you should not talk to her again. Don't let it tempt you. She does sound kind of borderline and you need some peace right now.

[Starks518]

Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses. Sorry it has taken me a few days to hop back on but alas the drama never quits.

After I recieved the email and spent the weekend wallowing (I know that doesn't help) I decided to try to help myself. Started forcing myself to get up and get going to be productive, went on long bike rides and did things I normally enjoy to get some peace in my mind and stay busy/active.

Well, the problem with this ex is that she took a job while we were together doing the same thing I do except with a different company BUT even at a different company we are still tied together and always have the chance of running into one another at work functions. It's ben two months since the break up and the inevitable happened. 4 days after the destructive email we ran into one another. I did what I had been telling myself to do in preparation of us crossing paths at some point, I completely acted like she was not there. Didn't even look in her direction, the email of course made this easier to do after her staying she had nothing to say to me yet going on a long winded rant about how horrible I am. How did she react during our first time around one another since the break up and in a very professional atmosphere?? Horrible. While I am the one who has received numerous texts and emails about how crappy I am and how she has nothing to say to me ever again and don't ever contact her she kept looking at me, staring (I could see from my peripheral vision) came in after I sat down and say directly in front of me, talked loudly so I could hear, kept playing with her hair over and over in front of me, for up and moved around talking to various people in my view, stayed long after she was supposed to leave while I sat waiting for my next work load then packed up her stuff loudly announcing she was leaving and staring at me until I felt so uncomfortable that I ohysically turned my back to her to speak to a coworker. I felt this all very immature, an extreme overt attempt over the course of only an hour to gain my attention all while I never looked once at her.

The icing on the cake? We have to do it again next Tuesday. I am a professional and my job is extremely important to me as I love what I do but I am not looking forward to having to be subjected to this behavior again. I absolutely refuse to contact her in any way to give attention to the behavior or ask for it to stop. That's only giving her the attention she was looking for. I refuse to get my work involved because she will, once again, say she wasn't doing anything intentionally then try to make me out to be the "crazy" one. All I can hope for is the behavior stops and isnt a part of my work day next week. I find it very childish and honestly I am confused. If I'm done then I am done. I will avoid, not look at you, and leave the situation as quickly as I can. Yet after the nasty email she sees me and makes such an overt point to try to garnish attention then be in my physical presence as long as humanly possible. Why??? It makes no sense.

Here is to hoping that next Tuesday does not involve the same dramatics and we are not scheduled for another work event where we are forced to be around one another. Sigh...it's not something I am looking forward to dealing with again.

[Starks518]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Welcome to PC, Starks518!
Her behavior you describe here is classic Borderline. We can't diagnose, and I'm not saying she doesn't have bipolar (maybe she has both, dunno), but of what you describe, I don't see bipolar in it. But I see nothing that isn't Borderline.

The reason I say this is because it may help give you insight. See, for a long time, my BF's borderline behavior confused the heck out of me, but once I knew what was actually going on, it was easier to understand (and not take personally. Well, as personally ).

One of the biggies you're seeing in this situation is the idealization/devaluation symptom. And it involves very black and white thinking. All or nothing. The 180 degree turn. In this kind of thought pattern, there really isn't middle ground. The important thing for you in that is understanding that it's NOT YOU. You did not suddenly become any of the things her meanness threw at you. So do not take them to heart (easier said than done, I know), because they do not reflect reality. They do not reflect who you are. The only thing they reflect is her distorted thinking. Which is almost undoubtedly contributing to your depression, because we think mean things about ourselves in depression, and it feels like a confirmation of those things. IT ISN'T.

You can't fix her. She'd have to really want to do that. For herself. Since no one wants to be told their perception of the world isn't accurate(!), it's not very likely she would seek help in the first place. Or see the need for it, as it's "everyone else" causing the problem. Also, it takes a lot of hard work on her part.

The drama's not helpful in your managing your BP, so best advice is to learn from it and leave it at that.

Thank you, so much. Within two weeks of us talking at the beginning she was non-stop texting me which I found flattering. Looking back now I see it may have been a red flag someone was so attached to me so quickly. But I liked it and I was going through such a hard time with my parent dying that it took my mind away. She told me she was diagnosed bipolar with rapid cycling and that originally the Dr thought it was borderline but changed the diagnosis. Numerous times throughout the relationship she said she always hurt everyone she loved and said mean things. I had not experienced that side of her so I thought it all to be her being overly dramatic. She is on meds for bipolar. She has only had one serious relationship that lasted 7 years and since that time (3 1/2 years ago) has only had very short "relationships" in which she said no one really loved her and even with her long term ex she stated she didn't even think he liked her because he took jobs on opposite shifts and they didn't spend a great deal of time together, he was always annoyed with her then cheated on her the last couple of years where she begged him to stay and bought him expensive gifts in an attempt but he left anyway. I'm sure that has left residual hurt feelings. And she brought it up constantly so I do know it has. To the point where I was often left feeling uncomfortable having to hear about it. You mention the black and white thinking. I actually have a text message saved from the beginning of the relationship where she said she knows herself and her thinking and she is THAT black and white. Now I am beginning to wonder if maybe it is a combination of bipolar and borderline? Sincerely it went from one week so madly in love with me to nothing to pure hatred. Are my feelings still hurt? Yes. Do I try to understand where in the world she is coming from and how I can be hated so much? Yes. Am I a very sensitive person? Yes, which only makes this that much difficult to deal with. But I know I need to move on and I am working very hard at it every day. Luckily, I have a lot of pto time saved up that I have to use so I have booked a flight to go home to spend time with family and friends for two weeks at the beginning of next month. Hoping this will help me with getting away for a while, being away from her and the possibility of seeing one another, and being surrounded by loved ones.

Thank you again for your response, it means so much to me during this time where I feel so hurt and lost.

[Nammu]

I don't know how to phrase what I want to say without sounding callous, I don't mean to be, this was a problem I used to have.

Don't give her the power over your emotions and your self worth. Own your own power, only you have control over how others make you feel. If you aren't in therapy look into finding a T who can help you with not letting others control your feelings. It will also help with your professional work. If I could post links on here I would post one for you. You should be able to google "owning your own power" and get something that says this better than I am right now.

I have dated a borderline person before and it was the most intoxicating and rapid relationship I have ever had. He told me EVERYTHING about himself... the good, bad and ugly. He has "never been in love, abused as a child, always got cheated on, and SI stories" I was mystified by his openeness and willing to share. I am not the most open person and I deal with guilt over things I have done while "not well" and I was in denial about my own illness. In hindsight, I was also in a prolonged hypomanic state and felt like our paths crossed for a reason. It was as if I was his beacon of light and I could be his savior of sorts.

So, I jumped right in... I felt like I could help him like no one has done before and that he could teach me how to be accepting. It was a great first 3 months...

Then, I had the constant barrage of texts, phone calls and even showing up at my job bc I was acting shady or I was being avoident. He didn't understand that I did not have complete access to my phone while at work and I typically worked 12 hour shifts on average. He called me every name in the book and even tried to turn my few friends and the few family members I talk to against me. He created fake fb accounts and tried to lure me into inappropriate convos to "catch my infedility". I never strayed from him or lied to him.

Eventually, he seemed to come back around to the guy I was infatuated with in the beginning. He apologized for the hurtful things and actions he did or said. Of course, I blamed myself for some of the issues by thinking maybe I hadn't become as open as I thought I have been or that my inner conflictions (unmedicated BP and stubbornness) somehow made me "emotionally unavailable ". We had another short, but whirlwind state of relationship bliss.

Until, he failed his classes... that was somehow my fault because I didn't help him study or I didn't take his online exams for him, etc. He said the most awful, putrid things to me. (That's saying a lot bc I grew up with two very toxic and abusive parents.) He had this blind rage and inability to see what HE DID... he always had a reason or a scapegoat for everything. In the end of every fight or argument (in his words), I was the reason he wasn't successful or happy and that I deserved to be treated horribly bc I was the most awful person he had ever met.

But, it seriously took up until the point where he barricaded me in a closet demanding me to tell him who I have been sleeping with or he wasn't going to let me out. Reality set in right then and there... I called the cops and was fearful of how this night would end. He ended up staying the night in jail. I immediately changed my number, locks and transferred to another branch within my company. His behaviour was not conducive to my mental stability and I had to disappear.

Up until this day, I get the varying emails of how much he loves me and that I am and always be his world to how much he hates me, blames me, and wishes cancer on me. I never reply... I just can't fall down that rabbit hole again. And I save every single one of them just in case he does try to come "get me".

Our relationship lasted less than a year and I am so glad that I was one that got to get away before it was too late.

I loved him very much and wish that he was always the person I first met, but in reality, he is that dark, hate fueled savage. He just masked his true self long enough to catch another victim.

In the end, I learned a huge lesson of self worth and standards. Also, I assume him that personality disorder can't be helped without coming to terms with his behaviors. It seemed like the tug of war game... it's all about control and testing the boundaries, like how deplorable can he be at one moment and then "win" me back in the next.

I might be a lot of things, but I am not someone's personal "plaything" to use and abuse.

[Starks518]

Originally Posted by manicbeara013

In the end, I learned a huge lesson of self worth and standards. Also, I assume him that personality disorder can't be helped without coming to terms with his behaviors. It seemed like the tug of war game... it's all about control and testing the boundaries, like how deplorable can he be at one moment and then "win" me back in the next.

I might be a lot of things, but I am not someone's personal "plaything" to use and abuse.

A lot of this sounds familiar as far as how the relationship between us started, the things I was being told about her only long term prior relationship where she painted herself out to be a victim, if it seemed like I was pulling away I was barraged with texts/phone calls "I'm coming over" when I was simply sleeping, major insecurity, loving me so intensely like she said she never had before or ever felt from anyone else, learning about her past history of cutting and very dangerous behaviors, a large amount of friendships lost due to mean things she would say, etc. As I said, I guess it was my turn to have all of those mean and "cut off" behaviors happen to me. I suppose it was only just a matter of time.

I am doing my best to realize it wasn't my fault, the things she said are complete BS made up in her mind, and I shouldn't be so depressed about it. It didn't help that a week and a half after the relationship ended she started an online dating profile and posted 3 pictures of herself that I took of her (one on my birthday and 2 others on trips we were on...that REALLY hurt and felt intentional). Saying she wanted nothing to do with me then liking all of my best friends posts on a social media site then claiming it wasn't intentional. Now this behavior at work begins. I'm hoping as time passes she moves away from this phase of seeking attention when she is in my presence but I can only HOPE. And hope that seeing me with me ignoring her doesn't make her miss me in any way and attempt to initiate contact again.

Honestly, the best thing for you to do is to find some fling or a good friend who you can spend free time with. Someone you can call and hang out with on your free time. It will drive her nuts, and she will probably contact you at first, but don't respond. She will eventually realize that she has lost "the game" and find a new "victim" to ruin bc she will think she has lost the upper hand with you.

It might sound petty, but as long as you're up front and honest with the person you're with about every aspect of your life and situation there will be no harm. Also, who knows... it could turn into something amazing!

[Starks518]

Originally Posted by manicbeara013

Honestly, the best thing for you to do is to find some fling or a good friend who you can spend free time with. Someone you can call and hang out with on your free time. It will drive her nuts, and she will probably contact you at first, but don't respond. She will eventually realize that she has lost "the game" and find a new "victim" to ruin bc she will think she has lost the upper hand with you.

It might sound petty, but as long as you're up front and honest with the person you're with about every aspect of your life and situation there will be no harm. Also, who knows... it could turn into something amazing!

That's one of the more difficult parts I am dealing with throughout all of this. The overwhelming feeling of game playing on her part. I don't subscribe to that, at all. You love someone and want to be with them then you make effort. You don't turn it into a game of who has the most control, who is winning the break up game or "fighting the battle of who could care less". But since these are the parameters I will have to play along at least where work is concerned in order to pretend like I don't care, ignore, avoid, and maintain my dignity. At all costs I don't want work involved but if the antics continue or escalate something will need to be said. What? I don't know. A fling isn't up my alley as I am emotionally still reeling from this and how I am being treated but I have begun reading up on some BDP websites and traits and it seems pretty clear to me what is going on. Unfortunate and as hurtful it still is. Going to talk with my therapist about it and ask for positive coping mechanisms to handle what is happening at work so it doesn't spill over. The best, I feel, I can do is continue to ignore at all costs and not even look in her direction. I am hoping she will get the hint, move on, and wreak havoc in someone else's life. Granted I don't want anyone to go through this but I just need it off my plate now and need to be able to move on and heal.

Thank you, again. These forums have been a huge help to me.