Declining mental health

Sorry I post so much lately. Just starting to notice bad thoughts.

I cannot seem to get the idea of suicide out of my head lately, my dreams are consistently haunting me, and I don't like where I am in my life and not knowing where I'll be going (I graduate college in a few weeks).

I really cannot go inpatient. Probably not even in the summer if I wanted to because I might have a job.

I don't like Bipolar.

This feels too familiar to the last time I attempted suicide. Kinda mixed. Literally thought I was happy but I was still suicidal. It's happening again. I'm really scared. I felt like writing a suicide note whether or not I would actually go through with it.

I hate this. I'm sorry I'm annoying. I post all the time and I promise I read the responses, but I don't aways get a chance to respond because life is hectic. Sorry I post way too much lately. I am just not well right now. Ugh.

Edit: Read this back to myself after posting and I fee outside of my own body wondering how I can feel like this and confess/write such things.

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(((Becoming)))

Hang in there. You're going through a pretty rough ride.

Food for thought in this article - may be worth browsing the article for 2 minutes to see what you think of it?

Surviving suicidal thoughts

Common Hotline Phone Numbers | Psych Central

I can understand the fear, about a certain feeling/episode happening again. It IS scary.

Just try to remember that these feelings you have will pass. And remember the people who love you. Hugs. I hope you start feeling better soon.

((((((( Becoming )))))))

I think it is really good that you are posting a lot right now! I think you really need it, and we are here to support you. It is not too much at all, and we want to hear how you are doing through this rough time.
Try to remember that it WILL be allright. You are in a dark tunnel right now, and it is hard to see the other side. But the opening of the tunnel is coming up, even if it takes some time, it is still there.

Sorry to feel so bad :/ it is scary!

Remember bipolar cycles. Do you see a t? They might be helpful to just talk to. Not every suicidal thought requires hospitalization snd if you're
Open with t they're more likely not to freak out.

No apologies needed btw. We're here for you!

Thank-you for writing. It sounds like you're in the end stages of planning which is a very scary place. Please write the letter and give it to T.

Please contine to post! We are here for you. To an extent, I know just how you feel. I've felt better and then I feel an unhealthy amount of time also. It is hard to feel the need to and be terrified you will follow through with it at the same time. I am so sorry for you and I hope you are feeling better soon.

Thank you for all the support everyone. It is extremely difficult for me lately. Somehow I'm still doing well in college and graduating in time. It's no small task for anyone, but doing it with Bipolar is even harder.

I spoke with my therapist. She's rough sometimes. I have problems with anxiety a lot lately and paranoia and sometimes hearing things. She didn't know what to say. And for a long time I didn't drink and then when I did she told me it was a stupid choice. She believes I'm overthinking what's wrong with me. I even mentioned inpatient to her and she said it's not necessary, but if I wanted to I could check myself in. That is such a life interruption though. I do not have support in that either. I just get told over and over I don't need it. Well I'm not sure anyone actually realizes how unwell I am. It's like I'm meant to ignore it and continue to suffer. Once a week therapy isn't cutting it and not a whole lot has helped in there either. I do feel rather hopeless.

Anyway, the fact you are all here and supportive really means a lot. You all understand and validate my feelings. It's nice to have that.

I need to look into a new therapist and psychiatrist soon because I won't have my current one soon. That's going to be a process for sure.

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I would check yourself in. They can also give you referrals to a new T & pdoc. I don't like your T.

I understand what it's like to be a student suffering with bipolar disorder. It is rough, and you deserve a congratulations for facing the challenges against you. It is a congratulations you won't likely receive, but you can get it from here, from us.

You need to listen to your gut. Nobody else in the world knows what is like to be you. If you feel like checking yourself in to get well then you should go. Safety is the first priority.

It is important to stay hopeful. Don't lose hope. Through efforts I have taken in my life, including sticking with a heavy cardio exercise routine, getting regular sleep, and meditation, I have DRAMATICALLY improved my mental health. If you have or have ever considered turning to faith, that has also helped me tremendously. I prayed to God for help facing my bipolar disorder and He answered me.

I wish you the best. Don't feel bad for posting too much. That is what this forum is for. God Bless.

I might after I graduate...depends if I get a full time job I just interviewed for. I would want to talk to my family about it, but I think they'll just tell me no again. I'm an adult though so maybe I have to go against that. They cannot know exactly what is in my head.

I'll be at least looking for a new T and PDoc when I move back home for at least the summer. Not sure where I will be come September.

Thanks. I know my family and friends are proud of me graduating at least. And I appreciate you are too. =)

I want to stay hopeful. It is very hard sometimes. I'll see what's going on. Sometimes I snap out of this, but it's never without feeling scared when I'm going through it. I have accomplished so much so I really do not want to do anything stupid. Just wish I could have help with anxiety instead of my T saying it's normal and situational and blah blah blah. I told her this has gone on for years but it varies in intensity. She just is not helpful sometimes. =/