[cashart10]

I have been doing TREMENDOUSLY better. Despite this, last night I was

Possible trigger:

hopelessly suicidal to the point that I was ready to follow through with it.

I saw my therapist today. She knows how much better I am doing but I came in crying to her today saying

Possible trigger:

"I just don't know if I can go on living."

I told her how much better I am doing but that the moments of sadness and despair are still unbearable. She said she was very worried about me and wants me to be evaluated and do (hopefully) IOP (or IP) to better "help my inside to match my outside." Really? I don't know what to think. I felt like I was finally getting over this junk. To top it off, I told my mom what my therapist said and she made me feel very badly because "I am doing SO much better" and she has "not seen any of this lately" and "maybe seeing my therapist just stirs stuff up in [me] because [I] have not been that bad." I am so upset. How can I still be so low sometimes when I am so much better otherwise? I rarely cry but I have been crying all day. I can't seem to stop. When will this phlucking illness end?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm so sorry. My mom says some of those same things to me sometimes and I don't know if anything frustrates me so much. A few years ago my therapist decided I had to tell her about the suicidal feelings I'd been fighting for a year or so. Her response was "you are NOT suicidal". OK, then why do you think I spent Christmas in the hospital? They don't keep you there because you are fun to be around. I took her to a therapy appointment after which time she spent months disagreeing with anything I said my therapist said, although prior to that she thought he was wonderful. She has gotten better over the last year or so although I haven't been as sick. However this morning I had a very supportive note from her which I never would have gottten in the past. However if I need to go inpatient she'll act completely surprised and unaware that I'm THAT bad even though I clearly am.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry, my advice is to IP THEN go to IOP. Depression is always harder at night. be safe.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Ive only done PHP/IOP once and it was after a stint in IP. It was helpful transition between Ip and going home.

Hope you feel better soon!

[Iamalioness]

I'm sorry you're not doing well at all! Sometimes this illness REALLY sucks. I'm sorry you were at the point of following through on your thoughts. I really hope things start to get better for you! I'm thinking of you and praying for you! BTW, what does IP and IOP stand for?

[HALLIEBETH87]

Ip is inpatient.
PHP is partial hospitalization
IOP is intensive outpatient

[Iamalioness]

Thanks Halliebeth.

[raspberrytorte]

Oh no! It makes me feel sad you're still having those suicidal thoughts.

I won't lie. I had them the other night when I had my paranoia freak out. I even dumped all of my pills out and was REALLY considering taking them because I was so scared. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle the thought of being this way the rest of my life. Especially since it's just gotten worse the older I get.

We just have to remain strong, even if it's hard. And remember that there are people who love us, and it would just break them if we were to suicide.

I hope you feel better soon.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by JustMeJen5294

I'm so sorry. My mom says some of those same things to me sometimes and I don't know if anything frustrates me so much. A few years ago my therapist decided I had to tell her about the suicidal feelings I'd been fighting for a year or so. Her response was "you are NOT suicidal". OK, then why do you think I spent Christmas in the hospital? They don't keep you there because you are fun to be around. I took her to a therapy appointment after which time she spent months disagreeing with anything I said my therapist said, although prior to that she thought he was wonderful. She has gotten better over the last year or so although I haven't been as sick. However this morning I had a very supportive note from her which I never would have gottten in the past. However if I need to go inpatient she'll act completely surprised and unaware that I'm THAT bad even though I clearly am.

Yeah, she continued last night with do you REALLY need to go to an IOP? How about a support group that's one night a week? I may be able to help with one or two nights (I'll do the evening IOP if I do it) but I CAN'T commit to three or for days. First if all mom, thanks for making me feel like ****. Second of all mom, my husband is off in the evenings. Grrrr...

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm sorry, my advice is to IP THEN go to IOP. Depression is always harder at night. be safe.

Thank you MM. I'm just not sure I need it! Most of the time I have been remarkably well. I guess I'm just not completely over it like I thought. After yesterday, I have not gotten off the couch at all except for mandatory times I had to care for the kids. I am exhausted.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

Ive only done PHP/IOP once and it was after a stint in IP. It was helpful transition between Ip and going home.

Hope you feel better soon!

I have done both and to be honest, none was very helpful.

[cashart10]

I feel exhausted. Will it ever end?

[raspberrytorte]

Everything ends eventually.

[Victoria'smom]

It'll get better, you'll learn to fake it, be exhausted, and it'll slowly become easier, then you'll become numb, you'll start finding things that truly make you smile, it'll turn to truly laughing, and calm and content. It will happen even if you're going through hell right now, and have to white knuckle life. How long does it usually last? Can you see T 2-3x a week right now and journal in between?

[HALLIEBETH87]

It cycles

[cashart10]

I know it's SUPPOSED to get better, it's SUPPOSED to be cyclical but it has now been officially 3 years since I lost my mind and I have been an extremely unstable, constantly unsettled mess since. I really believed the bright light was shining ahead. I really thought I was regaling my sanity, perhaps for the long term. Now I'm not so sure and it both frustrates the hell out of me and makes me feel incredibly hopeless. I am blind. I am lost. I can only hear lies. I have exhausted every help I know. I just feel like giving up. Again.

[UCMATH]

I'm sorry, cashart10! I was unstable for a bit over three years after my psychotic episode. There were times when I believed I was getting better only to find that I wasn't. It's frustrating, but the gift of Bipolar is that its cyclical nature means it does improve. That doesn't mean you'll be back to your old self. Even when Bipolar patients are euthymic, a significant proportion of us still exhibit some depressive symptoms. However, it does mean things will probably calm down for quite a while. Unfortunately, it can take a long time for that to happen. You've just got to hold on and push through it.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Depression is always harder at night. be safe.

Not always. I get melancholic type depression. It's horrible after I wake up and lessens in intensity the longer I go without sleep. The cycle begins again after I've taken a nap or gone to sleep for the night. My depression tends to be much more bearable at night.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I too had years of a very, very bad time that seemed like it would never end. I was on suicide precautions for all that time, not even allowed to have more than 2 weeks of meds available at a time. I felt like I had lost my entire life. But eventually something (probably some things) clicked and I went a year since my last episode and according to my therapist 2 since the last bad one. I think last year was just a matter of a med adjustment and I was fine. Now I'm having a really bad time but since I used to have really bad times at least 3 times per year I really have done much better. I wouldn't have believed anyone who said it could get better so I won't say that but it really did for me, current status aside.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Ive been been unstable most of the time since 2012 now. Im still having issues. But, I have hope. I hope things get better for you really soon. I really do. Til then, we're here for you.

[Sunnyhunny00]

(((((Cashart10))))

I hope things get better for you!! I've been where you describe very recently. It's a dark place but we can get though it!!

My mom is one of those mom that hear what I'm saying during mania and encourages it. Stating that Albert Einstein wasn't all there and look at what he did! She believes mental illness can be a widow into something greater.
When I'm depressed she offers all sorts of herbs and vitamins. She says they can help with your mood. Encourages me to eat yogurt, raw honey, and other foods.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by UCMATH

I'm sorry, cashart10! I was unstable for a bit over three years after my psychotic episode. There were times when I believed I was getting better only to find that I wasn't. It's frustrating, but the gift of Bipolar is that its cyclical nature means it does improve. That doesn't mean you'll be back to your old self. Even when Bipolar patients are euthymic, a significant proportion of us still exhibit some depressive symptoms. However, it does mean things will probably calm down for quite a while. Unfortunately, it can take a long time for that to happen. You've just got to hold on and push through it.

Thank you for sharing your story and your advice. It honestly gives me seeds of hope. I had a very psychotic episode at the start of these three years that I've been sick and I have heard by enough in the field to give healing and the right meds time. I had about an 8 year period with no major episodes except for postpartum depression that lasted for a minimal amount of time. Now, after these 3 years of hell for both me and my family, I am beginning to believe I will always struggle with extreme instability. In reality I know that I lost touch at age 14 and was back to my normal self by age 20 with some short periods of stability in between those years. Stability has been obtained for a prolonged period of time; I am just not so sure it will happen again. It is one of the primary reasons I am often tempted to throw in the towel.