[Jmills05692]

Hello everyone. Im here because I believe my wife may be bipolar. I guess every guy says that you know? But I don't feel that this is a false flag case and I just wanted to come here to seek some advice and ask for help - regardless of whether she does or not. Maybe she's just a woman I don't know.

First off I want to say I love my wife and I always have. I know that she has problems and I have problems as well. We're people. We got married this February after a very long friendship that led into a relationship and now a wonderful marriage that at times and out of the blue seems to be falling apart.

With that said. This isn't an every day thing and its not an every minute thing. It seems to me to be a completely out of the blue meltdown that quite frankly scares the **** out of me. For the most part she's a loving caring and downright calm woman. Very soft spoken and - well - just calm. But then after the calm there's a swift and ruthless storm brought on by darn near anything but something serious. I mean the kind of tirade someone has when theyve discovered their lover has been cheating on them or smoking crack on their 'fishing trips' or has another family on Seattle and those business trips are all just a lie. I mean its really quite something else to see this angel of a woman just transform into a pool of finatical cursing and I hate you's and you're a disgusting filthy man. I mean if I was a crying man I'd cry.

I always end out just wondering. Am I that bad? Sure I have memory problems. I'm a downright forgetful son of a ***** I am. And some times that is a spark. More often than not that is the spark. But people have their problems. And I think I'm entitled to be forgetful seeing as how I don't cheat or do drugs or even drink really. I don't go out with friends or anything. I do my very best to be devoted to her and our son but dang it for some reason or another I forget stuff some times.

So I have a few questions. What the HECK do I do whenever this meltdown happens? We've talked about it and she says just leave her alone. Which TRUST me I want to do. But its hard because she's my wife and I just want so badly to calm her down and hold her and breathe with her. I want so badly to just be with her in that moment that I just keep talking to her and trying to talk with her about the situation and deescalate it. But it only fuels it. And then I walk away and she gets man that I walk away. In these moments its like nothing I can do will help. Nothing I can do can fix it. What CAN I do? What is there that I can do for her when she is like this?

Now a big question I have is that on occasion - and I really mean that - my wife will smoke marijuana. Now I have noticed that the next day she is usually an emotional WRECK and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix that. Could this be a contributing factor to her emotional behavior?

Now about professional help. I don't have health insurance yet. But plan to get it in the coming months. Are there things I can do in the mean time? That she can do? When I get insurance should she see a Psychologist first or a Psychiatrists? Is the only way to fix this REALLY just drugs?

All answers and testimonies are extremely appreciated please if you have anything to say or request oont hesitate at all. Thank you

[kaliope]

hi jmills
well based on the info you provided, it doesnt sound like bipolar to me. the bi in bipolar is usually indicative of low moods and energetic moods, shopping sprees, inappropriate sex, reckless behavior, a variety of things that cause chaos in life. borderlines can be your best friend one minute and arch enemies the next but there is much more than that involved in that diagnosis as well. she may just have trouble regulating her emotions. when you get insurance, start with an mft, lcsw or phd. psychiatrists, while they can diagnose, these days dont really do the therapuetic stuff, they are there for meds. A therapist can evaluate to gain an understanding of what is going on and if they think meds are appropriate they will refer out to a psychiatrist. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[scatterbrained04]

The irritability alone does not indicate bipolar. Irritability also isn't usually just one day here and there either. Does she have any other symptoms?

Not sure where you live, but a lot of places have free mental health clinics, especially in major cities. The waiting lists can be long though. If you are able to cash pay there is always that too. A lot of psychiatrists don't even take insurance.

It doesn't sound like bipolar to me at all either. From what you describe, it really sounds like something far simpler.

A lot of times, people can be very agreeable and sweet and (insert myriad other wonderful qualities here). And indeed, they really are. But it's not at all unusual that some of this is accomplished by stuffing things down. In the interest of being nice. Bottling things up will eventually lead to periodic kabooms! Over something minor. It's not that they do it intentionally, in fact it may be so reflexive that they don't even realize they are doing it. It can be a really ingrained thing, but can be unlearned with help from a therapist. It'd basically just be learning to be assertive enough to know what you feel matters, it is ok to speak up, and that putting absolutely everyone else first isn't always the virtue it seems.

If this is what's going on (remember, we can't diagnose or anything), it's quite. unlikely meds would even be used, as it wouldn't be a condition to treat, just learning a better coping method.

As far as getting help, I'd go with a therapist, not a psychiatrist. Aim for a "good fit". A lot better and quicker progress can be made when working with someone they are comfortable talking to. If that's not accessible for awhile, there are books that can help. Sorry I don't have any recommendations, but others might.

Good luck, and remember, it's not about getting her "fixed", it's about working together for her to be more comfortable expressing smaller frustrations in the moment instead of letting them build up.

(P.s., and not that you asked, but crying is not a bad thing for men. There can be a lot of stuffing down involved in that too, so there may be something in there for you too. Win-win! )

[healingme4me]

Well, I'm not an overly conservative type, and I get that mj is a fact of life, for many. However, it's noticeably affecting her mood. Like some bodies reject long term medications, I honestly wonder if your wife's ability to handle it, waned? Or it's a rebound effect possibility? Just thinking out loud here, since it's a medicinal hot topic..

Or.....does she stuff down anger and have passive aggressive moments? Is there trauma, ptsd?

Is she wanting to find the root cause and change these moments? No sense if it's changing for anyone else, but herself...

[Nammu]

Talking to a therapist would be a good start once you get insurance.
Just one other note, many guys want to fix things but something's can not be fixed. If this is mental illness or just an anger management problem you can't fix it, that's something she must want to work on. You can be supportive but you can't change it.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Jmills05692!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm glad to see you're already receiving helpful advice from other members here @ PC and I really don't have anything to add at this point except that I wish you the very best and I'm glad you're here!!!

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[Jmills05692]

Well thank you everyone for your comments and thoughts. I hope it is appropriate for me to keep this thread open a little longer even though it doesn't appear she has bipolar. I just want to see if you guys might be able to point me in the right direction here. I know you cant diagnose but it is completely possible to speculate and maybe that can help me to figure out what I'm up against here.

For starters she is very open to seeking help and wants to see a psychyitrist which I know is good that she wants that. She has told me of some of her life traumas and quite frankly they're plenty and I have no doubt there is PTSD involved.

With all that said. Some asked if it is like she is bottling stuff up. YES. Its just like that. She'll sit there and let me make a mistake and not tell me about it until it causes damage and then blow up on me. But she'll blow up on me about a million different things and I'm left trying to defend my self and then right as I feel I've de-escelated the issue and gotten through to her she drops this mistake that she just simply let me make on me. For instance the other night we planned the day before going to bed I was going to go take a drug test for a job and come back and take our son out and she could stay at home and work on her writing. All is well the whole day but in the morning I noticed our son was sick so on the way to the lab decided she could just go to Starbuck with the computer and I'd stay home with him as he'd need rest. I texted her on and off throughout the day and then called her twice on the way home to see if she wanted something to eat. She didn't reply to anything. After I get the food in on the way home and she calls asking where I am. I tell her. She is disappointed with my choice of food etc and I can just like tell. Its bad. Which pisses me off that I'm getting into this bad habit TOO. So I pull into the house literally ten minutes later and she calls me I tell her I just pulled up and she asks me how it took me 30 minutes to get from there to here so I get frustrated and am like that's CRAZY.

So we end up getting into this huge fight about how I was gone all day I abandoned our son at home and he was like enotionally damaged or something. He's 2. And I mean she's freaking out. So I let her calm down she laying on the couch and I feel okay I can go talk to her because its been like 30 minutes and she's just laying there. So I'm talking with her about it making headway understanding what she's feeling and apologizing for certain things and figuring out what happened. It seems like its over. Its coming to an end. Then all of the sudden she drops this bomb about how she was supposed to go to the Medicaid office to renew our sons healthcare today and how I said j was going to wake up early in the morning and do what I needed to do which I didn't say.

But I'm sitting here just wondering why the heck she didn't bring that up when we were sitting next to each other planning the day and she just let me carry on with my plans without telling me that had to be done. And THEN blowing up on me after just blowing up on me. After that she got 100 times more irate she left the house. Came back. Left again. Came back. Practically badgered me onto leaving by making me feel like I was beating her with a belt or something when I was just trying to talk with her...

So yeah I'd say she bottles some stuff up and let's illogically puts peoples plans before her own and then blows up on them when they follow through. Okay. that was some venting. But I think it kind of sheds some light on the problem. And of course this is just my side. I can't really get much out about her side without causing world war 3...

[raspberrytorte]

When she's angry and wants to be alone, let her be alone. That's my only advice really. I have serious anger issues on occasion, the kind where I go into a room and slam the door and throw stuff around and my husband knows to stay away (it's never me mad at him, it's just me having usually life frustration rage). Also, when I'm upset, I hate crying in front of my husband, so I go into a room by myself and bawl, and he knows to leave me alone.

We've been together for eleven years, and he's learned that when I get that way, it's not something he can fix.

Only advice I've got. If your wife wants to be alone, let her be alone to let out some emotion.

[UCMATH]

Hello and welcome!

It doesn't sound anything like Bipolar to me. Irritability is a potential symptom, but it isn't the main one, and it isn't required for a diagnosis. A lot of people with Bipolar don't even experience irritability. People with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to be more explosive, but that's also a very complex diagnosis with a lot of different symptoms.

I don't really know if the weed might mess with her mood or not. It has a negative effect on my mood, but I have psychotic symptoms during manic episodes and am probably not the best reference case.

Honestly, it sounds like this is probably in the domain of a therapist or psychologist rather than a psychiatrist. It doesn't necessarily sound like mental illness to me... more like anger issues. But that's for a professional to say.

I hope things work out for you.

[Aardwolf]

I'm no doctor, and don't propose to be, so my advice is limited.

What can you do ? - it's always a difficult position to be in. Someone you love, being a way which you are not in a position to deal with, or know how to for that matter !
I would take her advice - My other half gave me that very advice, and it was one of the most difficult bit of advice to follow I've ever had to in my life - it's like your abandoning them, but remember you're not.

All the best and let us know how it's going.

[Row Jimmy]

Psych visits can be expensive - mine are around $600 but I don't "pay" anything so health insurance will help.

For me, meds help but there's also an element of self awareness and other stuff that can help. IMO, we can't rely just on medication. Other changes are important. I TRY to focus more on myself because one of my triggers is people pulling me in all sorts of directions. The "selfish" approach helps but it isn't easy. Life sort of gets in the way.

I have been declining over the recent years and my wife suggested I get some help. The key was I knew I probably needed some help but was in denial. The denial was an issue for me because like many BP, I could use part of my BP to my advantage. The rest of it I dismissed as "me being me". During my hypomania, I can be charming, engaging, laid back, creative, and productive. When I crash, I am a world class jerk, sullen, paranoid, and can be the nastiest person on earth to the people I love the most. In times of clarity, I knew this was an issue.

In the short term, a diagnosis is critical - I have some potential crossover stuff like BPD and explosive anger disorder that hasn't yet been solidified so knowing the issue will help with her treatment. Good luck.

[Victoria'smom]

Look into intermittent explosive disorder.