[cashart10]

What the hell is wrong with me? Really! I **** everything up all the time. I am a mess. I am spending and spending but I'm not manic. I thought I was but I am now sleeping all night, sometimes too much. Also, I think that the energy from these new meds just has me confused. All week I have been a hot, ready to check out, mess.

self harm trigger:

Possible trigger:

I want to carve things into my skin and into the walls...evil things, vulgar things. I think that "my feel good" days have blown up in my face. It is not acceptable to tear out one's eyes. But, perhaps I could tear my clothes like they did in Biblical times. I am not afraid, only stubborn, only messed up in my head. I am losing touch with reality sometimes. I know this because I am well enough at the moment to know that my kids need me desperately and I must live for them. I don't always know this though.

Is anyone else as messed up as me? Now or ever before? Please say yes.

[raspberrytorte]

Yes! I am a mess. I'm not in any sort of episode or anything, but I've been having some paranoia and mild feelings of unreality again. Mostly I've just been angry. I am just pissed about having whatever it is that I have. And I hate how it's just getting worse as I get older! I hate having anxiety/paranoia attacks. It makes me so scared. My last one felt like a horrible nightmare. I woke up in the morning shaking.

I get so scared when I have those attacks I feel like I can't stand being this way for the rest of my life and having those feelings! I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm just a mess. I'm still having trouble getting over my psychotic break. I just don't know what the **** happened! Ugh!

YES I'm messed up!!!

You are not alone!

[cashart10]

At least I'm in good company, it seems.

[cashart10]

You know what is probably amazing to all of you folks here on PC that know me and just how insane I am, to everyone except my immediate family, mom, bro, sis-in-law, sis and bro-in-law and my best friend, Melissa, pretty much the only people who don't think I am an EXTREMELY together, upbeat, friendly, joyful, christian lady are my t and pdoc. We have even excused away hospital visits. I am such a fake in real life, lol.

[raspberrytorte]

Me too. Even my friends forget sometimes! Like they'll talk about some crazy bipolar they know, and it's like HELLO!! And then they're just like, well you're not like that. lol

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm all over the place so definitely not doing so well here. Fleeting thoughts of SH/SI which are more annoying than dangerous. I have to watch for myself to withdraw and want to give up. That's what I did before and I did it so effectively that my therapist and psychiatrist didn't really know until I was in the hospital and had to sob out the truth to both of them.

I haven't done anything impulsive but that's probably got a lot to do with not feeling motivated enough to do the things I'm thinking about because the Seroquel high dose thing is just enough to make me feel like I want to be home and keep my agitation here. I'm more at risk on Mondays when I go to the city where they have actual good stores. Here we have an icky walmart and some dollar stores so it's easier to stay away. I need to go to Target Monday which should be interesting. I need one thing. How many will I leave with?

My voices are quieter since the high dose Seroquel but I'm paranoid. I had a rough time with people walking behind me while walking the dog because I was sure they were talking about me and saying bad things which I'm sure wasn't true. If anything they were talking about the dog but I don't know they even did that. It was all in my head.

So no, you're not alone.

I did a clinical trial when I was first diagnosed. One of the drs I didn't really like (another person who was in the same trial that I met in the hospital and I agreed he was manic himself) told me something that really stuck with me: "High functioning bipolar patients are the best actors in the world". And it's true. I went years fooling everyone before I finally was too sick and went on SSDI.

I can relate to the trigger part you wrote. Very intense impulses. Very violent. I know these thoughts are totally whacked, but that doesn't stop them. (Though thank God it's stopped me(!)) But what I wanted to say is that one thing I did when I knew I just couldn't do that, but was totally compelled to do something, was ... And this is going to sound silly... took a marker and wrote on the bottom of my feet.

The weird (or maybe it isn't?) about those impulses is that I'm not even

Possible trigger:

a cutter

like, at ALL! Totally squicks me out and I don't "get" it. And yet, there's my brain flashing

Bad self-harm trigger

Possible trigger:

repeatedly jamming a knife into myself, even into my head(!!!) WTF???!!! I will confess that I actually have stabbed a wall though.

Anyhow, yes, marker. A MUCH better option! I did that for a few days (conveniently, it wears off, so one may repeat, or come up with some other terrible thing to say) until it worked out of my system and I was no longer inclined to do it.

[Victoria'smom]

I will write tomorrow.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Innerzone, thank you for a really good idea. I'm like you, never actually engaged in SH but can spend a great deal of time wanting durig every episode. And it's scary and uncontrollable and I'm definitely going to try this next time.

[QUOTE=Innerzone;4413834] ... And this is going to sound silly... took a marker and wrote on the bottom of my feet.

[Row Jimmy]

I was probably an undiagnosed BP mixed for years. More recently, I have gotten A LOT worse but I find peace in having knowledge and direction. Yesterday, I was bad - angry and impatient with everything. Today, I am peaceful.

If it means anything to you, I smashed my trash barrels off my house in January. The neighbors wonder if I'm insane but the joke's on them. I AM! Suckers!

I am a mess but WORKING on it!

Originally Posted by cashart10

What the hell is wrong with me? Really! I **** everything up all the time. I am a mess. I am spending and spending but I'm not manic. I thought I was but I am now sleeping all night, sometimes too much. Also, I think that the energy from these new meds just has me confused. All week I have been a hot, ready to check out, mess.

self harm trigger:

Possible trigger:

I want to carve things into my skin and into the walls...evil things, vulgar things. I think that "my feel good" days have blown up in my face. It is not acceptable to tear out one's eyes. But, perhaps I could tear my clothes like they did in Biblical times. I am not afraid, only stubborn, only messed up in my head. I am losing touch with reality sometimes. I know this because I am well enough at the moment to know that my kids need me desperately and I must live for them. I don't always know this though.

Is anyone else as messed up as me? Now or ever before? Please say yes.

I've been there before. Usually when I haven't gotten enough sleep. I just want to end it. You may have been hypo and now you're mixed. I would advise getting good rest and just taking good care of yourself right now. Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks, JMJ. I actually remember how it went. Logical Brain was making its case to the impulsive part (who wants to do the trigger thing). Impulsive Brain doesn't play fair and teams up with Physical Agitation. And they are duking it out, as it always goes. IB relents somewhat, bringing it down a notch

Possible trigger:

to writing with knife from stabbing.

LB persists, reminding IB that that still leaves the "if you do that, you will be considered 100% crazy, and that it would be forever and to absolutely everyone who sees you." IB concedes. Downgrades to writing with marker. LB points out that while this is a big improvement and solves the permanence problem, it's still a giveaway to anyone. They negotiate from extensive to decreasing levels of extent, finally agreeing on bottom of feet as this is quite unlikely to be seen.

Basically, I talked myself down. LB still thought it was kind of weird and slightly disturbing, because it was new "crazy" territory, and that's always unsettling.

Awhile after all this, a secondary thing occurred to me about this method. The bottom of the feet is kind of symbolic. They are under you, not over you, and you are, well, trampling them underfoot. Potentially helpful imagery.