[BeyondtheRainbow]

One of the hardest parts of the last 4 months has been that I feel perpetually guilty. I don't feel as guilty about things from now as I do about things from the past. My brain seems to think that a review of all the things I ever did wrong when I was working is a good idea (it's not) and that I should remember every time I failed at something, especially if it was from bipolar.

I also wind up thinking a lot about things that happened that were bad because of bipolar and that's not good either.

I know it's just intrusive thoughts (and sometimes voices mocking me) but it's really bad this round. I think there is no need to remember that in grad school the first semester I had a very hard time waking up to get to classes that were very early in the morning plus I had a bus ride to get to them, because of my meds. And when the psychiatrist tried to help he just made it worse. But really? That was 1998, I passed the classes just fine, I got my degree and I clearly learned what i needed to know.

One of the things that comes out every time is my so-called best friend. I thought we had the perfect friendship until she asked people in her church who didn't know me to vote on whether I was a Christian based on my very, very ill, early in treatment and on a placebo in a clinical trial and trying to stick that out, behaviors. She did not ask the one person in her church who knew me extremely well. They voted no. So she came and sprang all this stuff about my being possessed and that I had nobody in my life but her that cared and the person who knew things only was in my life because he felt sorry for me and I needed to do a bunch of things to be friends. It was all awful but the worst of it was that she came when I was lying on the depression tests at the clinical trial to keep my numbers just high enough to not be hospitalized because I didn't have mental health insurance. I was dangerously suicidal and being watched carefully. Later I asked her why then, why she would risk my life, and she said that it was a risk she had to take. With my LIFE. I moved on from that "friendship" but every time I feel like this I start missing her. It's been many years and I still go there over and over even though I know that she was very cruel to me.

I know my dysphoric mania isn't the same as some of your manias. I think some of the things are me being sad because I'm depressed but the mixed thing catches them and repeats them over and over until they are far too much to handle. But does mania do this to anyone else? I'd really like it to stop.

[jacky8807]

he who has no sin cast the first stone
seriously...im sorry you had a "friend" like that ...what she did was so wrong especially as a "christian'
realize your brain is lying to you and try not to get caught up in the negative looping thoughts. yes we all make mistakes and bipolar can lead to a lot of them but then....what is your friends excuse?
I can also get caught up in negative guilty obsessive thoughts but this is usually when im in some type of depressive state. I have learned to talk back to my brain and I only learned that from here! but it helps to have insight
anyway im rambling...know you are not alone and I hope you feel better soon

[Captinbipolar]

Christianity is about loving god before all others and loving others as yourself. Your friend while I don't know about the first one definitely didn't do the second. I agree with Jacky. She was wrong to do such a thing and was contorting the bible. As for the dysphoric mania they sound like mine when they go mixed. My brain fills with the past and swarms with guilt. This turns into a fear of the future, for if in the past I committed such downfalls then the future must surely hold them as well. The mania prowls about my brain mixing with depression into a self hate of sorts. While I know the future can hold disappointment I try to remember there is only behaviors I do, not behaviors that define me. I can have jerkey behavior but I am not a jerk all around, I'm constantly changing and the such a label serves to self defeated me i believe. I'm really sorry to hear you having a hard time. Your a really great person who in a short amount of time reached out to me and helped me more than you know. I can only try and do the same. I'm in the beginning of helping others but please don't give into the negative cycle like jacky said. I'll keep you in my prayers I'm sorry to hear all this and I'm here for you. As for going back to your friend in your thoughts I like to think of it like a drug. I call it euphoric recall. Whenever I think back to the dark days of me abusing drugs I always remember the fun and great feelings of the highs. It's hard for me to remember all the nasty bad stuff that came along with it. I feel your doing this with your friend. She was once a good friend who turned sour, like many of the drugs I used to take it's just sounds all to familiar. I think they were great when in reality the majority of the experience was not. Then when I do start to brush up upon the bad side of it My brain screams these labels at me like I worthless, selfish, ect. Like I said earlier they defeats me if I let them. Sure I've had these behaviors but that's not who I am. I don't think that's who I am and I don't see it in you either. You seem like a nice, really great person. Hope this helps a tad

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Somehow my talking back isn't very effective. I may need to work on this with my therapist.We've been working on "everything in the entire world that goes wrong is not Jen's fault" so this kind of is a natural stretch from that. I do think you are right and the depression starts this but I think the mania takes over it to make things miserable. With depression I would't have to hear it in my thoughts over and over like I do with mania or if I did it wouldn't be at the speed of light. I think the speed is why it starts to be hard to not believe it all.

Originally Posted by jacky8807

he who has no sin cast the first stone
seriously...im sorry you had a "friend" like that ...what she did was so wrong especially as a "christian'
realize your brain is lying to you and try not to get caught up in the negative looping thoughts. yes we all make mistakes and bipolar can lead to a lot of them but then....what is your friends excuse?
I can also get caught up in negative guilty obsessive thoughts but this is usually when im in some type of depressive state. I have learned to talk back to my brain and I only learned that from here! but it helps to have insight
anyway im rambling...know you are not alone and I hope you feel better soon

[BeyondtheRainbow]

This is what I think happens exactly. Except I never realized it because I forget there is a future when it is like this. Thank you. Now I know what I can maybe use to try to stop the thoughts from going on and on.

Originally Posted by Captinbipolar

. My brain fills with the past and swarms with guilt. This turns into a fear of the future, for if in the past I committed such downfalls then the future must surely hold them as well. The mania prowls about my brain mixing with depression into a self hate of sorts.

[cashart10]

I am so sorry your so called "friend" did this to you. No one on this earth can determine whether you are christian or not. You did not deserve that. I barely know you but I already think you are a loving and compassionate friend.

Speaking of Christianity, my mania always turns ugly. It's starts as beautiful euphoria but turns into nasty, confusing, chaotic paranoia. When I am paranoid I start to think that everyone is against me, or the biggest paranoid thought, that I am going to hell. A few years ago I had a psychotic episode where I was extremely hyper religious and I did all sorts of bizarre things in the name of the Holy Spirit. I believed I was chosen (especially) by God. Since then, my once very close relationship has practically dissolved. I am worried that practicing my faith will lead to a psychotic hyper religious episode again. Since I don't have the relationship I once had, my views and often my behaviors are not Biblical. I am not usually worried about it because I know my relationship is slowly being healed. However, when I am paranoid, I become tormented by thoughts and sometimes (internal) evil voices telling me I will go to hell. It is a scary place to be!

[Alone & confused]

Seriously??!!! What kind of Christian "takes a vote " as to whether or not someone else is a Christian?? Only God can judge someone's heart! I wouldn't concern myself with that person's opinion what so ever!
All I really know to do when mania causes me to have some "regrettable behavior" is to explain to anyone who was offended/affected by or witnessed it, that it was due to my condition, was not intentional, apologize (if necessary) and try my best to forgive myself.
I hope that you will find some way to fight those intrusive thoughts by finding and focusing on the good and positive things about yourself!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I don't have the religious delusions but I believed for years that because I can't go to church (too overstimulating), can't be like the people I went to college with (at a strict Christian college), can't do so many things that God was going to reject me too. It took me about 6 years after diagnosis to figure out that God made me this way.

Most of my guilty stuff isn't even the things I do while manic. It's just life. I can take any mistake I ever made and it becomes this huge thing even though I really do know that it does not matter that a patient complained about me for this or that minor reason. It happened to everyone. It wasn't a big deal. But now it becomes huge even though it never should have been. My "friend" is only one example although she's the one I'll start googling and trying to figure out if I should contact her again (answer: no, she knows how to find me if she's ready to apologize). There are so many others.

I keep trying to tell myself it will go away soon.

[Captinbipolar]

Keep telling yourself that. Time heals all as we progress and grow in wisdom and understanding. It's an ongoing battle but luckily we move threw it as we ride the wave of time. Maybe slower than we would like but still as long as your working for a better tomorrow the tomorrow that is better will eventually come. I like to pray and think god never says no to what we ask. He says either ok, not right now, or something better. Ask not for an easier life, ask for the strength to handle it. I think JFK said that.