Questions of Bipolar, Relationships, and Phasing Between Realities

OK, so, I have a question that requires some expository back story. I'll just jump right into it. (TIA to anyone who reads it and responds, you ROCK!!)

My teens and early twenties were marked by shifts between being up for two, three, four days in a row creating websites and writing "groundbreaking" novels and doing all manner of creative things with tons of energy to spare, and fairly lengthy depressions. It honestly never occurred to me that anything was wrong, I just thought that's how I was wired and everyone's different so why should I worry? I've always been very high functioning. I became an IT manager at a law firm by the time I was 22 and I've supported a family (with all the sundries--house, cars, vacations) for the last ~9 years. Surely that all made me normal, right?? (Haaaaaaahaha)

So, cut to April 2014. I'd been mired in my worst depression to date for 11 months (yeahhhhh I don't recommend that) with all the nasty thoughts and impulses that come with such deep deepness. I got into therapy the December before for the depression, which I finally acknowledged is a problem. By April I was in to see a psych to see if anti-depressant augmentation would be a good fit. Based on my history, the doc said I would probably be best off starting on a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) for a while, then seeing about an anti-depressant. I'm sure you can see where this is going. A few weeks went by and I was steady enough, but still depressed enough, I said I wanted to try the anti-depressant. The doc agreed and I went to pick up my brand spanking new Celexa rx! Two pills in I realized something was WAY different (and yeah, that's all it took! I love my brain chemistry!) I couldn't stop talking to everyone around me, the ideas kept colliding in my head and needed to get out verbally and creatively, I had no need to sleep, I was bouncing out of bed, I felt amazing! The sun was shining just for me to celebrate the fact that I wasn't depressed anymore, all of a sudden! Well, I called the psych the following Monday and she was like "drop what you're doing and come in right now, please." I quit Celexa immediately and learned I should never take SSRIs again. After several more weeks of not coming down from this high the puzzle pieces fit together and I was told "yeah, dude, you've got dat bipolar." I may be paraphrasing.

I continued working with my therapist and psych to wind myself down and even my moods out, which went well through the rest of the Summer. Unfortunately I lost my job of almost a decade at the end of August (my new hypomania super powers freed up my mind and tongue to tell off the owner for severe sexism--I'm still not sorry it happened.) After that my insurance ended and I was unceremoniously dumped by my therapist and psych. Well, crud. I had enough financial reserves to carry the household expenses for nine months, but not enough to cover uninsured therapy and psych services out of pocket. I tapered myself off the Lamictal thinking that would be a good idea since I now couldn't afford any services to get it, or the support needed to guide it. I took my last dose in mid-September 2014. Thus begins hell...


In the background of all this is my relationship with my wife. We got together when we were 18, married at 21, kid at 22, college, career, loveliness, etc... except not. Shortly after the kid was born my wife wanted to "open the relationship" as they say. I was working overtime to pay for my wife and new kid's roof and food. My spare time was spent with the kid, running errands, doing chores, and spending time with my wife. I have an overactive sense of empathy and after a few weeks of discussion she persuaded me to agree this was what she needed. So, I agreed to have a "polyamorous" relationship on the condition that we communicated openly and frequently and kept each other abreast of any changes. Things went downhill from there. We sort of entered a roller coaster phase where there were months of okay times and months of really bad times for me. The bad times hit whenever she found another relationship. Weeks would go by where she'd say all of two sentences to me a night while spending ALL her time on Skype and IM with other men. I would come home, cook, do some cleaning, spend time with the kid, put him to bed, and get a handful of words from her. It was... not good. So, in 2013 we hit a good period. Work was offering me engaging projects and my wife and I seemed to be reconnecting and focusing on each other anew. Then she pulled away and the 11 month depression hit. By December she'd found a new Other relationship which continues to this day.

In mid 2013 my job moved cities and we decided to buy our first house. I'd wanted another kid and one of her conditions was "we need a house first" so I made it happen, haha. We closed in December and moved in January. Her new boyfriend came to visit us for a week two days after we moved in. We weren't even unpacked yet. I came back home, went to my therapy appointment, and was referred to aforementioned psych that day.

Since then I've improved and learned a lot about myself and started learning how nutso my marriage has been making me. She's steadily pulled away from me emotionally and physically, while still continuing to act as if everything's normal. My money was still being spent on what she wanted, and throughout 2014 that included flying to her new boyfriend's house several times, renting hotels and cars, and paying for their meals and drinks and all that. I decided I needed to focus on my mental health first, then I'd deal with the issue of my wife. That came to a screeching halt when my job ended...


So now we're at September 2014 on both tracks. I'm off Lamictal and all meds except Vitamin D because Costco has like a billion of them for a ten spot, haha. My depression returned (big surprise, huh?) I felt like a loser for not having a job, and my wife was increasingly pulling away--at this point she was referring to her bf as "hubby two." They'd been talking about having him move in with us in one big "happy" "polyamorous" "family". I didn't like this but my objections weren't listened to at all because I'm a spineless doormat by this point and no one respects a doormat, not even the doormat's wife. (Don't feel bad for me saying this. It's true, and that's where I was at. I claim and own that label to describe myself as I existed then.) She ended up having him fly up to stay with us for five weeks. He arrived a couple of days after my birthday, was here for Christmas and New Years, and finally #*%&ing left in mid-late January. It was the worst period of time in my life. He invaded all of my personal spaces. They took over the bed, my office, he ate my food, drank my open sodas, smoked my cigarettes, wore my shoes and hoodies, claimed the whole living room as his, never did laundry, never changed clothes, never showered, and generally acted like an entitled #*%&-head the whole time. They had sex everywhere, cuddled all over the house, and were affectionate in a way she hadn't been with me in years. I ended up paying about $700 to have him stay here so he and my wife could pretend to be married through the holiday season. My car ended up being my only fortress of solitude and I took to sleeping in it and driving to the tops of mountains to write for hours at a time and cry and scream.

None of the above is an exaggeration. This seriously happened. In real life. I'm actually keeping it fairly tame. I've written nearly 100,000 words on the subject of his 5-week visit. I won't bore you with it, haha. But, as you can imagine, this was extremely stressful for me to handle in a depression, with no escape to work, no family or friends nearby, no medication, and no therapist/psych.

I started to phase in and out of reality. I could hear their thoughts and all they talked about was how I was stupid I was and I didn't know their plans and I'd go crazy and get locked up somewhere. Some nights I was up all night ready to bolt from the house because I was convinced they were going to come in and drug me and dispose of me in the river. This was not good.

After he left I was able to get my head above water enough to realize that was WAY not normal or okay to experience. I went into a general checkup appointment with a physician and basically smooth talked him into writing me a script for Lamictal. I read all the product spec sheets, FDA materials, and pharma/psych books on Lamictal I could and stepped myself back up to a theraputic dose. I forced myself to start meditating routinely and to read as many authoritative books as I could on bipolar and mental health and relationships/dysfunction. I reached out to a couple of friends and my siblings and told them what was going on. They all soiled themselves. Basically I single-handedly made myself my own pdoc and therapist and formed a support network from there. I'm VERY proud of myself for that. Since then I've found my backbone and I'm SO ANGRY at things. I realized I'd been bottling my anger up for years... over 6 years. I've been channelling the anger and fury into physical fitness and healthier diet, which has been doing wonders for my moods.

What made me so angry, you ask? Well, a month and some change ago I found a file on my computer that had carelessly been synced via a shared folder... it was a chat log containing text that revealed my wife and her bf have been very seriously talking about having children together (something she'd strung me along for years on, and which I bought a HOUSE for), wishing I'd get a job so it would free her back up to fly back and forth, calling me names, etc... it was the straw that broke this VERY patient camel's back. I looked on her laptop for the first time in our marriage. I found that this has been going on for the bulk of the time they've been together. I confronted her about it and she lied through her teeth, telling me that I told her I'd never bring up past issues, and that I agreed to open our marriage and it wasn't right for me to change that, and how I was obligated to support her, and how I didn't really see what I thought I saw...

I've learned recently what gaslighting is. She's a master gaslighter and I've been gaslit for years, but it's been heaviest since she got together with this... person. I told her I wanted a divorce and she freaked out, asking what she could do. I told her the only hope was to cease all contact with him, her to get into therapy, and us get into marriage counselling, and even then there's not much of it. She agreed after several teary decision days. She told me she ended it with him... I looked on her computer and learned it didn't last 8 hours. She'd lied again. She'd lied for years. She's a habitual liar. Since then she's resumed talking to him and wonders why I'm not okay with it... she keeps trying to gaslight me into questioning my reality. I ended up breaking my silence and told all my family, many of my/our friends, and her father about what the relationship has been and is. I've received unanimous support to end it. I'm staying strong and I'm not getting sucked back up into the vortex. The writing is on the wall. The marriage is ended, it's just about taking care of all the logistical loose ends (finances, living arrangements, kid, etc...) Thing is, she's not accepting it. She thinks it'll all go back to how it was and keeps acting and talking like things are fine and she doesn't know why I keep blowing up. I've been using other people as controls to make sure it's not a manic or anything else warping my thoughts into demonizing her. They all agree and have had opinions for years on this. It's let me know I'm not insane. It's grounded me.

SO, with all that said and done, I've been doing a lot of thinking. My worst bipolar episodes have been during this relationship of hers where the acknowledgement of my rights and existence as a human being, much less a husband and father, are non-existent. Gaslighting is, by definition, the process of making an individual question themselves and their sense and understanding of reality. I was definitely experiencing psychotic depression in January, in which reality is broken. My ultimate pondering is:

Is it possible that the bipolar dx and symptoms and behavior are just a result of my horribly unhealthy relationship bringing them on? Or did the job/house/marriage trifecta trigger a break and bring on full-fledged bipolar? Maybe I don't have it and she's just driven me insane? Maybe it's a feedback loop and the bipolar and gaslighting keep playing off each other and are giving me my breaks with reality? The SSRI reactivity is definitely a physical indicator towards bipolar, but my brain chemistry is EXTREMELY responsive to nearly anything I put in it. Mushrooms put me in a state where I was essentially in a coma for 12 hours, unresponsive externally but vibrant and powerful inside. Narcotic painkillers make me feel like I can levitate and shoot rainbows into other people's brains and I shoot sunshine from my pores. Maybe my reaction to SSRIs is just part of the larger responsiveness to substances by my brain, and the swings up and down are the reality-breaking relationship and manipulation by my wife?

Or maybe I'm just a dude with bipolar and a bad relationship. IDK. Questioning a lot lately. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you if you read through my tome.

omg you poor man, i wouldn't wish a wife like that on my worst enemy, you were so patient and caring and tried to do right by her. she in turn acted horrendously, nobody deserves that. Kudos on getting the courage to leave her it was probably the wisest thing you have ever done, i can't fathom how evil it is to have her lover come stay with you, have sex with him (loudly) and expect you to pay for it. i really felt like i was gonna throw up reading that, my heart goes out to you man, i know what psychosis and depression feel like and to deal with all that too omg.
As far as i know the true cause for your episode may be depression related, as was my experience, i personally feel (and take this with a grain of salt my friend) that the underlying issue is not cause by the situation but it exists of its own accord but the horrible, horrible situation that woman put you through would leave anybody horribly depressed and (for me at least) deep depressive episodes trigger psychosis for me.
So i guess you could say she triggered it in a sense but i think it may have already been there.
please know the world needs more people like you, patient, caring and self reflective.
Stay strong and if possible try to get back to the pdoc's and on whatever meds you need.
just remember you were awfully wronged and cheated on and none of it was your fault.
I hope you can find some peace in your heart and find someone deserving of your good nature.

I did read almost the whole post and I sympathize with your situation. However, I'm not the best person to offer advice on this subject and the whole thing was pretty triggering for me. I really should have stopped reading the moment I saw the word polyamory. You see, the whole time my husband and I were courting, his best friend has been around for most of the time. So it has always been the three of us and even now he is over at our house several times a week. So I think it is only natural that I fell in love with them both at the same time. I discovered polyamory last year after we had been married a year and a half. I planned out this really nice 'date night' for the three of us where I was going to approach the subject with them and tell them how I really felt. Then at the last minute my husband said the movie we were going to see was too late so none of us even got to go and the money I spent on tickets. That following weekend I spiraled out of control for the first time (mania with psychotic features) and my husband and mother in law had me put in the hospital. The staff let me out the next day, so I guess I really just needed to be away from everyone to return to normal. After I got out I shared my feelings with my husband about the best friend through a letter I wrote to them both before I had scheduled the date. He said what I wanted was never going to happen. So I never got to share the letter with the best friend. I also get griped at if the best friend and I have conversations on Facebook and I pretty much got an attitude whenever the best friend and I played world of warcraft together at night after my husband was asleep. So I FINALLY just ended up quitting in order to have peace at home. The two of them are allowed to be as close as they want, but I can't get nearer than an arms length. And then every time I say or do something that my husband doesn't like, I get this weird look and 'are you okay? Have you been taking your medicine?' Like I haven't been taking them at the same time every night since I picked up the prescription and I haven't read the entirety of multiple bipolar books that I purchased. It just sucks because I'm forced to have my heart broken every time I see the friend unless I just want to sit in the bedroom with the door closed every time our group of friends come over and I never go out with my husband to visit our friends. Errrrgh

With all that being said...I've read multiple books, websites, and forums about polyamory. The way your wife did polyamory is NOT how you do polyamory. She was not respectful to you in regards to the new relationship at all.

YOU ARE A FRIGGIN SAINT!!!




I read it, all of it, and I still can't fathom how you managed to live it!!!


I too suffer from bouts of psychosis during severe depressions, so please don't think you're alone on that front, its not as uncommon as the research tends to show.


FWIW, I believe your wife's abuse exacerbated your BP, stressful situations are known to either trigger or amplify episodes.


With that being said, I'm SO PROUD OF YOU, seriously, I know I don't know you from a bar of soap, but I honestly am so proud of how far you've managed to come. Mostly, I'm proud of you for seeing your wife for who and what she is AND knowing you deserve better. I'm proud of you for taking the necessary steps to rid your life of her toxicity.


You, deserve sainthood, a medal and bloody hell, they may as well throw in a statue too!!!

I read it all and I am horrified that this has been your life for so long. I am also so impressed by how insightful you are and how well you have taken care of yourself when you didn't have access to psych care. It takes a great deal of control and self-awareness to manage the symptoms through something that incredibly difficult and emotional even if you have a therapist and psychiatrist. You've managed to control what you need, set up a support system that can help you manage a disorder that likes to attach itself to chaos which you most certainly were living with and continue to be a good parent and an incredibly good and patient spouse to someone who didn't deserve it. That is pretty amazing.

If you can do all of that and then realize how bad it is and get out of the situation you are so strong and have a really good sense of how to manage your bipolar. You have the right instincts and that counts for a lot with this disorder, knowing how to respond to what you are feeling and keeping yourself out of trouble using a strong support system.

Since stressors trigger episodes leaving so much stress behind may alter how you experience the disorder. Your wife may not have caused it, I think the cause is something biochemical, but she may have triggered a lot of what you experienced while she was mistreating you so badly.

O.M.G. (I read the whole thing -- you deserve that at the very least for all you've been through!) I'm casting about for words out of pure shock.

I don't know how on earth you managed. The strength to do that is amazing and is to be highly commended. To say that I could never managed that is a massive understatement. As others have said, good for you in recognizing and moving forward and taking care of yourself!

I also think that the whole situation was a trigger, as opposed to being the cause.

I hope that many good things happen for you in your moving forward.
Welcome, btw! (Was lost in shock before.)

I'm with the above poster, this horrible situation most likely exacerbated your bipolar. When you are in position to do so I'd recommend seeing a Pdoc again. But meanwhile kudos to you for taking charge of your life both physically and in your marriage. She can't accept it!!! She created the situation it's time for her to face the consequences. I think it's awesome that you have endured the things you have and still managed to do the right things.

I read your whole post and just want to say congratulations to you for making it through all that. I also wanted to point out that people with bipolar are more susceptible to abuse such as the gaslighting you went through. It could be a chicken & egg type situation. I know that I constantly seem to manifest stressful situations in my life unintentionally that probably do make my illness worse...but I would not have been in those situations in the first place if it were not for my bipolar.

Far out. Hugs to you man.

Sounds like you have some good insight into whats been going on and to how your brain works and reacts to things.

Holy ****. Do you realize how strong you are? Your strength is far superior than you may belive.

Your wife played mind games, and manipulated you into how she wanted you. Let me tell you this...it's your wife that is bat **** crazy. Her behavior most certainly made things worse for your mood and mental health.

I read the entire thing and just want to say that I to am so proud of where you have made it. Going through what you did can be somewhat traumatic due to the mind games and manipulation to fit her twisted reality....she surely needs help. But you made it out from her wicked spell and that is extremely important for your future mental health.

Congratulations for how far you have come. Keep that backbone and remember you are a human with feelings that deserves WAY more then she could have ever offered you.

Keep on truckin...

Thanks for the responses, everyone. They, and the warm welcome, are very much appreciated.

Turtleboy: Interestingly enough, I don't believe in a good/evil view of things. Good things happen, bad things happen, things at all points in between happen. It certainly wasn't a kind act for her to do what she did. In fact, it was terribly unthoughtful, uncaring, and possibly malicious. I think there's a lot of truth to what you (and several others) are saying in general, though. The mental health issues have probably been with me a long, long time, but the stress of these events pushed moods to the extreme. I do have some peace in my heart, mainly due to the extremely positive support of the family and friends I've revealed my story to. That said, I've been sort of burned on this and I don't believe I'll give marriage serious consideration again. I'll be a father, sibling, son, and friend, but the thought of "husband" makes my blood go cold. I know time may change my perspective, but this is where I'm at currently.

Espurr1989: I'm intelligent and well-read enough to know that polyamory can and does exist in a healthy form. Trick is, the individuals living the lifestyle need to know themselves, excel at communication and empathy, and maintain fairly decent ethics to pull it off. What my wife and I had was not polyamory, it was an abusive relationship where I stayed monogamous and she did whatever the heck she wanted. I don't wish to conflate true polyamory with my... situation. They're not the same. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Based on my experience (which I seem to have learned in one of the hardest ways possible) it's best to live who you are and to be authentic to yourself. I wish you the best of luck navigating your feelings and relationship(s).

Trippin2.0: Thank you for all your kind words. I barely managed to life it some weeks. I'm incredibly thankful I'm still here. I like living. Quite a lot, actually. I hate being depressed. I'm going to do whatever I can to minimize the amount of time I spend in the hole. If that means completely rebuilding my life then it's what I have to do.

JustMeJen5294: I've always believed my brain and intelligence are my best assets. Without them I'd be in a lot worse shape than I am now. I am incredibly thankful I'm as functional as I am. I think about how many other people are out there trapped in situations like the one I just started pulling myself out of and my heart weeps. That said, too, I'm not endorsing how I've had to handle my symptoms and treatment. I firmly believe that whenever possible psych care and/or therapy (ideally both) should be present. I did what I had to do to survive. :\

Innerzone: I try to see my silver linings as hard as I can. The way I'm looking at it is now I know what I can handle. If I can live through an extremely horrible relationship like this one, I can do pretty much anything, haha. It works similarly to physical pain (at least for me.) I've had kidney stones before. No pain has ever come close to the pain of kidney stones. It's sort of re-calibrated my experience of physical pain. Things that would have hurt a lot before don't have as much of an impact on me now.

sidestepper: I'm definitely going to get hooked up with a pdoc *and* therapist again in the very near future. Looks like I'm going to be gainfully employed within the next two weeks, which should come with health care and the dosh to pay copays. It'll be a real breath of fresh air, that's for sure. Completely agreed on facing consequences. Like I told my father in law, "She needs to learn that a man reaps what he sows."

lunaticfringe: urgh... yet another reason I'm extremely reluctant to consider a long-term relationship or marriage again. I think you're spot-on.

Supanova: Brains are amazing, and I love exploring them!

Sunnyhunny00: I'm only just realizing in the last few weeks how strong I am. My wife's family and I are working on trying to convince her to get into therapy. She certainly has some significant personality and mental health issues and would benefit from trying to understand them, even if they don't get resolved. It might sound odd that I'm wanting to encourage her to do this, but she's always going to be in my life in some capacity because of our son. I want her to be the best mom she can be for him. He deserves that, and I'm going to fight for him. My backbone is the strongest it's been in years and I'm keeping it that way come hell or high water.

wow. HUGS.

You are Bipolar. The events of your last many years brought it out but it was dormant in you.

Thank goodness you are getting away from that. the fact of the matter is, she was abusing you. Mental abuse at least. You're going to need to come to terms with that over time. I don't think you mentioned a counsellor or anything to talk to (other than the pdoc)? If that's possible, you need to find one.

Heh, yeah, I know I am. :\ It's been over a year and I'm still going through phases of "nah, maybe it was just temporary and they misdiagnosed and I don't really need my medication" and so on and so forth. I'm mostly good with it (case in point: I'm compliant with a medication regimen now, haha) but there're still times when I'm like "but maybe not..."

I'm still not fully 'there' with regards to acknowledging what's been happening is abuse. I was in therapy with an LMHC for about 10 months last year. I also did a men's trauma group every week in the evening with her at the helm for about 6 months. It was in the group that the light bulb first started going off in my head. I'm definitely getting back into therapy/counseling/whatever you want to call it.

Bright point: I got offered a nice job today and it comes with health benefits so I'll be able to get back into the swing of things even sooner than expected. *breathes easier*

Congratulations on the job!

Congratulations on the lovely new job offer!!!!



New chapter, new beginning, author, narrate and edit as you will!

Congratulations!! That's great news!

Well
I am sorry you went through all that **** and am glad you are getting out of that relationship. As far as how it affected you mental state I have been bipolar for a long time and have known many people who are and what you went through with your wife and all the stress related to that would most definitely be a trigger I mean in a big way. And I am glad you were able to get back on meds that helped you. I to am on Lamictal and it is a life saver for me the only thing that helps with the depression and that does not make me go manic.
I made the decision not my doctor in 2006 that I was one of those bipolars that can not take anti depressants. I have know for a lot of years that there are those bipolars who cant take anti depressants. And since I made that decisions in 2006 I have not had a bad manic episode since which is a big time record. Before 2006 I had not been on Lamictal for a lot of years but i knew that even though it is a mood stablalizer for some people it does have an anti depressant affect with out being an anti depressant. So I went back on it and it was the best decision for my mental health I ever made. But for me it takes a pretty high dose for it to do the job I take 450 mgs and hope to go up a little more to get rid of the very mild depression I am still having.

I wish you the best of luck in the path you have taken
good for you

Oh and congrats on the new job

congrats on the new job man, may it work out well for you, you deserve it!!

Thanks for the support on the job, everyone. I'm so stoked.

anton11415, yeah, medication's such a strange beast. It's different for everyone. I'm on 200mg/day Lamictal but it seems to be doing okay. I've been wondering about going to 250 because I feel I could use it some weeks, but I'm hesitant to do it without advice from a psych, so I'm waiting until I'm insured again to think about it. It's one of the medications I do genuinely appreciate...

Last year when I went REALLY hypomanic and didn't come back down for a few months (which was a blast and annoying all at the same time) they had me take Seroquel and Risperdal to try and help bring me down. IDK what it was but the Seroquel especially just PISSED me off. Like, I'd take it and then go on an hour or two rant, pacing back and forth, then I'd hit the bed like a stack of bricks and wake up the next day with a fuzzy brain. I ditched that as soon as I could and vowed to do whatever I could to avoid ever needing that stuff. I know they're important drugs for some situations, cases, and people, but I loathe them with a mad, fiery passion.

But Lamictal? She's cool. She can chill with me. I like her. She helps me and doesn't take too much in return. I'm still *me* and I can still think with razor sharpness, which is crucial in my line of work.

/PharmaRant