Grrr...

Cash, I seriously dislike your psychiatrist.

And I don't complain about it either to her. Only once I got really annoyed, when she said she was going off of her medication because it was making her fat, and I told her I CAN'T go off of mine!

I write when I'm manic or depressed also. I write narratives and narratives and narratives and some poetry (that never rhymes). Writing and music keep me sane above all.

I'm trying so hard to feel the same. I get attached to people easily though and I have such a long standing relationship with him that it is hard. He worked his *** off for me when I was a very troubled teen. Did he get lazy, sloppy? I have no idea. I have almost certainly convinced myself I must leave him though. I am really hoping to get into this new pdoc on this week.

I drive 'em crazy in the hosptial writing. Last time I filled 2 notebooks. I write every single thing that happens down. I don't know why except it makes me feel better. (I'm allowed pens although they limited the number last time and I kept having to ask for new ones from my purse. A really fun game). I have no doubt they skim what I've written when they do the safety checks of the room each day and I really don't care. Treat me badly and appear in the notebooks. I've learned to come equipped with notebooks b/c they hand them out eventually but I want one from the time I arrive.

I'm glad you threw the paper around. A pen seems pretty harmless.....

Eww they took your pen. Geez. I mean I get it but yeah. I like the paper throwing visual.

I got through a bad mania writing a wacky novel of sorts

Mostly I need to paint when manic. And depressed. And just off. And yeah. It is really the only thing that helps me at all. I hear music and I see colors and I just get the urge or I have the feelings and I see the colors moving and I just have to do it.

Hard with the kids

So, I mentioned that I liked my new therapist but not nearly as much as my current therapist. Well, I went to one of the group therapies today and met another therapist who I thought I could connect with on a much greater level. It brings me so much joy. I left a message with the manager who should be calling back to see if I can switch therapists. If this therapist has an opening, and if they will let me switch to her, I will be so glad! Praying!

Also, my t appointment went very well tonight. I told her that I very sadly (in tears) would have to stop seeing her in about 4 weeks. She told me I could come back monthly or every 6 weeks or just if I feel in crisis mode to check in with her. She said she is always there. It was a very good visit. We talked about the tough stuff like pornography and how she thinks it is not only the medicine but also the pornography that keeps me from having an orgasm with my husband. She told me that she thinks I am not a bad driver despite the accidents, she told me that having two random incidentals was a very likely possibility for anybody, even the best driver. She told me not to be afraid to get behind the wheel. We talked about paranoia and ways to work through it. It was just very, very good. And I am going to miss her SO much. I am crying just thinking about it.

Its hard switching therapists. I had one I loved but she moved to Tijuana! I grieved over her for a long time. We had gotten through so much. BUT now I have a new psychologist and I really like him. Hes great! Sometimes change is good.

I hope that works out for you. I believe in the immediate connection thing. I have a long history of not doing well with many, many therapists. I've had 2 that I did great with, the current one and one in college who was very much like the current one. Otherwise I had a woman I saw for nearly 4 years and didn't realize that she wasn't actually helping me much, not getting me to focus on anything ever and we spent most of our time just chatting and the others made it for weeks. When the woman was leaving it happened with almost no warning; her husband was transferred to Europe with 4 weeks notice. She set me up with another woman in the practice but I just didn't feel the description was right for me so she also set me up to meet this male therapist who was new to the practice. I met him, realized he was so much like the other therapist I did well with and never even met the other person I was supposed to see. I've met her now, she does back-up for me if my therapist is out and she's very nice and who I probably would see if he left but I'm so glad I went with my instincts because the man I see is pretty much perfect for me. I have to work very hard with him but I've come so far in 9 years with him. And by now it is just this incredibly comfortable relationship where I can tease him or be serious with him or give medical suggestions and then switch into an hour of hard work and then back into the comfort zone. It's the perfect set-up for me, even though it can get interesting when someone knows you so well that you barely have to explain a situation before they know how you are reacting to it. Sometimes it's a bit creepy that he can practically read my mind. But I'm just so thankful I went with my instincts. I had originally set up with a friend to hold me accountable for going to 3 months of sessions before I was allowed to move on and I think it took 3 weeks before I said "never mind, I'm staying". Hundreds of hours later I trust him more than anyone else in the world. I think this shows that I mainly like male Christian therapists with PhD's born in 1957 who are musical and have very strong family lives but I'm sure there are lots of those around when I need to change? (that's only part of how alike they are).

Oops, forgot to take meds. We were having a huge storm and I got distracted by hoping the trees outside my house were ok. This is the worst storm we've had since I've lived here and I'm kind of settled in a little thicket. After some serious storm damage a few years ago when I was here dog-sitting and had to make my mom come home because of the amount of property damage (she only got to the house b/c the neighbor parked at the top of our road, climbed over downed trees for a mile, got a chainsaw and some neighbors and started cutting a path down the road) and thousands of dollars of damage and the need to walk both dogs on leases every time because their dog yard was trashed I get a little nervous about bad storms. But must take meds. Putting the computer down now.....Only nealry 2 hours late. Not that it matters anyway.....

My last one went to Luxembourg! I thought I was the only one who possibly could have such a weird experience.

I've just had strange experiences throughout though. My psychiatrist in grad school drowned in a boating accident on vacation. The place I went to grad school was not really empathetic and sent a "dear patient of Dr __" letter that just said "Dr. S died in June in a tragic accident. A new psychiatrist will begin in September. Good luck until then. Love, stupid state school." They didn't even have a memorial service for him. I think he deserved that. He wasn't my favorite but he was kind and did care in his own weird way.

I got out of the hospital the 1st time to be told my current pdoc was "unavailable" and wanted me to see my family dr until she was back. She was having a mastectomy.

Current therapist got very sick during my session in the fall and still is having weird symptoms that aren't completely explained.

I think there are more weird ones but those are all I remember right now.

Well, it didn't work out with the therapist I wanted. She only accepts medicare. I am switching to a new therapist though so we will see. I kind of feel badly about it. Oh well, if it works out with this new therapist, I will be happy.

Haven't posted on here in a couple of days. I'm really starting to come down to reality. The 2.5 MG of Klonapin is catching up with me and I'm sleeping all night and all day despite coffee and vyvanse. I know I can't keep sleeping that much but I am afraid to call and have it lowered because I am afraid I will stop sleeping again and IOP or IP will be back on the table. You know how much I hate that. My husband and I are doing better already too, it seems. I hope it stays that way. He told me he can't imagine life without me and he would stay with me at all costs. Things might be rocky from time to time but that doesn't mean we'll give up. Then he told me he is going to buy me a pearl ring I have been wanting for my birthday out of his garage money. I'm feeling much better about us.

That's good, cash.