Grrr...

Thank you for asking. I think so.

My mom saw how very poorly I am doing the night I had the second car accident. She is closely looking out for me and would kindly intervene if necessary. And trust me, even if I fought her, she would win.

I'm glad that you have your mom.

I hope today brings some hours of relative peace, just a short rest time, for you.

I'm glad you're getting serious about getting help. I hope you find somewhere soon! Take care!

Hang in there! I can understand not wanting to go inpatient especially with the kids and all of your responsibilities but you sound like you need something to keep the dysphoria at bay - are you on any benzos? Could the dysphoria be related to the car crash? Can you move past that and continue on the high? Its been so long since I've been on the high side of life I've forgotten what works for me. ((hugs))

My pdoc increased my klonapin from .5 MG to 2.5 MG to counteract the mania. I believe this sudden, major increase has made my lack of judgement from mania so much worse. I don't think the dysphoria was caused by the care crash because some of the symptoms, especially the agitation, were there prior to. I certainly wish I could continue on with the high! Either way, I will hopefully get in with my new pdoc this week and go from there.

My mania has now turned into repeat song listening. So I'm with you on that one. The same album (a small one) over and over. I don't even have it downloaded yet. I really need to do that tonight since tomorrow I have to go to my therapist and may want to hear it over and over in the car as well. I think listening to one thing over and over is better than listening to my thoughts.

Everytime this post comes up I smile. I once signed a note to my manager at work grrr, Jen b/c I'd had an evening where nothing went right. Her boss saw it and decided I was being threatening. (Now my co-workers frequently said "I'm going to kill you" but Jen says Grrrr and it's a threat). I got written up and told that if I were suicidal or homicidal that I had to let them know. Because that was likely to happen at work.........they only knew because I needed some time modification, like an altered schedule and they had no idea how to handle it. Plus everyone hated me, I was told that in another meeting. It was a great job.....I'm sure they did hate me though, I did NOT fit in there, not one teeny little bit.

"I got written up and told that if I were suicidal or homicidal that I had to let them know." For writing Grrr, Jen?? Ha! That's about the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Sounds like they were just trying to be difficult.

I know! It's hilarious now. What's more, they had decided it was specifically threatening one person. The reason appeared to be that I had included some information about her not doing her job well in the note, something that had been coming up for quite a while.

They even brought in someone from corporate for that.

The next week or so they brought every one of my assistants in and asked questions about my competence and how I behaved with them. At the same time the assistant who I was having trouble with I was being told would be reprimanded etc at her annual review. Given they kept her for another 5 years until laying her off this summer (my home health PT had worked with me which wasn't at ALL awkward and she brought me up to date), I'm guessing they didn't care that she wasn't doing crap with her patients.

The company went under not too long after I was fired. This made me unreasonably happy....

Feeling really weird again already. Feeling super giddy, super anxious, super sexy. All I can think about are bizarre sexual things. Don't know why. And, while I know that is waaaayyyy TMI, I really don't care for some reason. I really don't. I just wrote something else, something totally kinky, but I erased it because it was entirely inappropriate, kind of like this entire post, but I just don't care. I wish I could leave it though, I want everyone to feel the sex that I feel, the intense craving I have for it. Too bad my husband has no idea how I feel and for some reason I can never tell him; I can never take it out on him. He misses out because I am too chickenshit to show him I am anything other than his ****ing subservient little wife. Oh how I crave a woman. My thoughts are rocking down the line on some speedy little choo choo train. Too bad I am still sick so there are too many physical limitations for me to enjoy anything other than this computer.

"There's something about you girl, that makes me sweat" --WHEW!
INXS - Need You Tonight

Sounds like things are picking up again. Are you taking the new dose of clonopin? Do you think it's helping or hurting the situation. Hang in there. Try not to feel ashamed about the hypersexuality. It happens.

Yeah that should be a t shirt. "Hypersexuality happens". Ha. Inside joke

Cash are you ever bisexual when you are baseline? Or is this a manic thing?

By the way. You never know your husband may be into it.....

In my last hyper sexuality I could not stop looking at porn that then made me feel so disturbed and gross. And yet then I would do it again. Ugh. You're not alone. But of all things this is probably one we shouldn't beat ourselves up about too much.

And I know the giddy sexy uncomfortable energy rambunctious feeling. Oh how I do! It rocks and SUCKS. I remember being at a burger place with my family with club music pounding in my head only feeling so sexed up that I was (or thought I was) enticing to all the waiters as I sauntered manicly to the bathroom. Oh the heat.

You're not alone.

I am taking the new dose of klonapin. It is hit or miss as far as sleep and I'm not sure if it is working or not. I know he started it because my symptoms were becoming particularly dysphoric but I'm not sure if it is working. I'm sure the shame will come later, ha!

Oh, and when I explained to my psychiatrist that I was afraid I may 1. seek out a woman and leave my family or 2. run away to Florida, he brushed me off. He explained that everyone is bisexual and falls somewhere between hetero and homo sexual and that only about 10% are completely one of the other. He said there was no concern, that is all that is up with me. Well, what does that have to do with preventing me to act on these impulses? He explained, regarding running to Florida, that many people are tempted to run away while manic. And, he basically said, what would happen if I ran off to Florida? I would stay a few days, enjoy the ocean, the beach, the sunset and come home. My husband, on the other hand, says I wouldn't have a house to come home to. I've told my husband that this is an OVERWHELMING impulse that I cannot guarantee I won't act on forever. He told me I better be prepared to sign divorce papers if it happens. I just wish my pdoc would hear me.

Just for tonight, I am going to walk out of this house, go to a night club and drink until I can't see straight.

We'll be wired all night
We hit the high life
We'll be wired all night
We hit the high life
Watch me now

Mick Jagger - Wired All Night

Dirty hair and all...that's what hats are for.

Please be careful. Don't drink and drive. It's hard enough to drive manic. You don't need legal problems or something awful to happen.

John Mellencamp - Dance Naked

The song was NOT directed at you, ha! It was just representative if how I am feeling in general. I am not going to a nightclub. I had a very civil conversation, believe it or not, with my husband and we are instead going to go to a bar together one night. That way he can measure how much I drink and kind of keep tabs on me, ha! So I guess tonight I'll just dNce the night away.

I thought you said you were going. And I thought well that's out of character but Ok? Glad to know you have a better plan. A depressant on top of all those uppers might feel good short-term but probably would be a biochemical nightmare. My ability to think clearly is becoming more limited.

Stupid bipolar.

Oh no, I planned to go but I told my husband this and he said, instead, why don't you just wait and we can go to a bar together. I was fine with that, I thought it was a sweet gesture since neither of us do that sort of thing. But, then, I called him (just like 15 minutes ago UGH!!!) while I was out picking up a prescription I had to have for this evening and I asked if he cared if I at least took a drive since he didn't want me going out. "You aren't even supposed to be driving at night anymore remember?" You've been doing crazy things lately, and you're out of your head," he said. Oh yeah? What crazy things? I don't do crazy things. Just because I'm not always grounded does not mean I am not a perfectly rational human being. It is very unnerving. I should have driven anyway...not come home until tomorrow. I really wish I had, but no matter how tough, or high, I'm still his little GOOD girl. And I follow the rules like I'm a child. Makes me mad!

Also, don't worry about responding but I sent you a PM that I'd like you to please read when you get a chance. Thank you, lady!

I'm sorry. It took living with me in her house for a year for my mom to understand even basics and to not insist that if I did this or that that I'd find sleeping much easier. She doesn't realize that she didn't learn this stuff until a year ago but she didn't. I honestly don't think she learned how hard I work at this until I was on bedrest for 6 weeks last summer after ankle surgery and she saw what I put into following the dr's orders, which included eating while reclined. After she saw me stick it out for the entire 6 weeks without breaking the rules at all it was like it clicked and she realized I'm actually compliant with the bipolar stuff, it just doesn't work so easily for me. I would get pretty sick of living with someone who just couldn't get it and made me feel less free. I used to get so mad at her when I lived 30 minutes away and she'd criticize my housekeeping or come and want to change how I did all these things. We had a lot of "THIS IS MY HOUSE" arguments for a while. And now my house belongs to her. Oh the irony.

There are ways to simulate so many physical disabilities. It's too bad there isn't a good way to do that with psychiatric illnesses. Andersoon Cooper did a thing with wearing earbuds that simulated schizophrenia about a year ago that was fascinating but bipolar is pretty hard to simulate unless someone is willing to let you drag them through what a few days of our lives are like.

When I was manic, the only thing that completely kept me from losing my mind (at first) was writing. I had to write and write and write and WRITE all of those racing thoughts I had. It kept me somewhat grounded. I think it was my version of how you guys obsessively listen to music. Once I started, I had to seriously MAKE myself stop.

Sorry for just jumping in on that. It's not very important. Just thought it was interesting.

I had a mini meltdown in the hospital when they wouldn't let me write in my room (no pens... might stab my eyeballs out or something, you know). After they took my pen away I spent about an hour ripping out notebook paper (notebook paper without wire of course) and crumbling it up and throwing it all over my room. Luckily I had a nice nurse who kind of bent the rules for me and gave me an hour allotted time with a pen.

And then later I got a marker. They were fine with me having that alone in my room.

This is why I get annoyed with my friend sometimes, when she complains about being tired and blah blah blah.

It's like, live a couple days in my life... Bet you wouldn't make it past the first day.