Grrr...

Finally done. I was a damn nervous wreck. I moved around constantly for a while until I couldn't handle it then asked to stand up and just paced. I felt frigging horrible! I apologized profusely for my behavior though. I read her the narrative from my most extreme psychotic episode and immediately regretted it. What an introduction! I liked her a lot though. Not nearly as much as my current therapist but she is $65 a week cheaper. Anyway, the important part, there is an 8 week wait for the psychiatrist but because of my symptoms and because "whew, you are on a lot of medications", she put me on the cancellation list and I should get a call soon. She also wants me to do a couple group therapies.

That sounds really good! I hope that cancellation list moves really fast! Tomorrow would be great! It sounds like you handled it perfectly which is hard to do with a stranger.

I'm glad you made it through that.

Thank you all for being so awesome, btw. I love you all!

Wow that is so brave. wow.

Love you too!

Are they gonna put you in the DBT group there? So glad you went! I knew it would go well! I was also on cancellation list until things got worse and they squeezed me in! yay!!!

The group she wants me to take is called mind over mood.

I hope things will go better now! So happy to hear that they took your situation seriously enough to squeeze you in! I know how hard it was for you to make the decision to go in today.
Hopefully this will lead to some peace and stability for you now. You deserve that, considering the battle you are fighting. All the best!

Good girl! Get in there and do the work!

Goodluck to you matey I'm glad you got in to see someone

I hope you guys didn't expect me to stop posting. Seriously, I intended to be done with this thread at least temporarily but today's events decided otherwise. After behaving bizarrely at my therapist appointment, I got lunch (paced around Penn Station) picked up the kids (forgot my nephew and had to turn around to get him). Then I just went home and tried to relax but I was completely on edge and just typing away at the computer and chasing around the kids. Fast forward a few hours and my son and I went to Target. I was a mess. Before long, I was in the middle of a big fat panic attack. I couldn't breathe; I was flailing my hands to fan my face and nearly jetting down the isles. I was certain I was going to die or, better yet, someone was going to kill me. We left. I drove quite inattentively, but we made it home safely. Despite this, later, I went to Walmart because I wanted to see what size ring I wear. I was fine in the store. I got in my car to leave, started driving and then...SLAMMED (yes I said slammed) into a cart. I did quite a bit of damage too. Not a huge deal it seems, except, if you remember, I hit a car a couple of weeks ago. I called my husband to tell him and he hung up on me. I drove straight to my Mama's house, she was in bed but will always wake up for her baby girl . I just bawled. I am still crying. I told her all about my day, that my mood is escalating and turning dysphoric and we discussed my weight. I told her I got on the scale and was shocked. I know that is medicine related but I am not on the big gainers. I told my mom one of the things I like about my pdoc is he tries to avoid the big gainers for me. I don't know if this new pdoc will be the same way and I simply cannot imagine myself any bigger. I also admitted to her that until I am more stable, I don't know if I am a safe driver...this is a very tricky topic because both my family and my sister's family depend on me to drive around the kiddos. Mom told me to talk to my hubs about the driving and volunteered to come to my pdoc appointment (in case I didn't mention it, my mom is awesome). My husband and I did discuss my driving and decided I won't drive at night. He looked at the damage and was pretty upset about it but, since he is a Volvo mechanic, it is nothing he can't fix and he calmed down pretty quickly. Lord just give me strength for tomorrow!

When do you go back?

I don't go back to my therapist until the end of June then weekly after that. I don't see my pdoc until August but I am on the no show list. How long did it take you on the no show list? Did you say it still took 6 weeks?

Can you call the center and let them know things declined? I'd count this as a decline and it is a decline in your level of function. Level of function matters a lot and actually emphasizing "I can't function in my basic roles" is a good way to tell them you are struggling even more than they already saw.

I'm so glad your mom and dad were there for you. I'm glad you have a supportive family.

I know how hard it is to not be able to drive well. I had akathesia on Abilify and it turned into double vision that didn't go away for a month. Mostly I did not drive but the night I decided that I was so bad I needed the emergency room then I drove. How stupid is that?????!!!. I have no idea why they let me leave on my own. After that I admitted that I couldn't drive and so my mom who lived 30 minutes away and worked full-time plus came and took me where I needed to go.

I hope you can get a break from all that agitation. Please keep posting. If that helps then do it. Anything that helps is good right now.

I don't know how much freedom I have here just yet. Someone on this site goes to the same clinic just another location. I will talk to her and see. I was hoping at Target I looked like that "fun mom" and not that "crazy lady". But, I think we all know the truth, ha. I've never gotten used to not caring what people think. My mom always says everything will be okay but I'm not sure. It would seriously be easier for everyone to not have to take care of me. Morbidity aside, I must confess my support system is extraordinary.

It is crazy that you chose to and managed to drive with such severe akathesia! Thank goodness you were safe. Sounds like you have a good support system as well. Thanks again for being so supportive of me.

You have much value left in your life. Don't let the disease lie to you. You are valuable to you kids, your nephews/(nieces?), your parents, your husband, people on here, and I'm sure so many people in your life. You are the one frustrated with yourself, much more than anyone is frustrated with you. That's just the way this stupid illness plays with us.

You probably seemed normal but if you didn't it probably wasn't a big deal. I am feeling bad because I got manicky and impatient with a shoe guy today. I was trying on sandals which I knew was going to be tough since my ankle is still wobbly. I asked for 2 pairs to try and he only brought one and then was defensive about it which made me make that annoyed, rolling eye thing look that he didn't deserve. I did need both pairs but it turned out not in that shoe anyway. And then he was really nice trying to help me find something. (And I did!!). I hate being rude and mania makes me rude.

I have an ok support system. My mom has done extraordinary things (like providing me a home and not making me pay rent for 18 months) but in many ways she isn't capable of being a great support system. When I was forced to admit to her that I was suicidal and had thrown out some razor blades that were for cleaning my stove she got all exasperated and said "You are NOT suicidal!". Like saying it meant it wasn't true. Even after she went to a therapy appointment with me she didn't really believe it and my therapist kind of said I needed to not rely on her to support certain things. She is very mixed up about dealing with our childhood. Or the year I spent Christmas IP she was mad at me and seemed to think I was purposefully messing up Christmas for fun or something. There is one and only one reason they will actually keep you IP for Christmas. There were 10 suicidal people on the unit, all of us high risk. It was NOT fun, not in the least. It was boring and sad. My mom does a lot of what she does out of guilt which is hard sometimes.

I have to finish my swagbucks. Not going too well today and I am getting annoyed with it and I am also not getting sleepy which is a bad combination.
Probably should mark my mood chart .

Cash as you are realizing this episode is turning dysphoric and it seems like you are going to start crashing hard. I hear it in your words. The illness is starting to tell you the dark ****. It is lies! Don't listen. You are awesom and inspiring and I want to be friends with you on here so don't you dare stop posting.

Keep talking to your mom. She sounds awesome and like she would take a bullet for you.

I am really not okay with the fact that it will be so long until you see the new Pdoc.

Have you looked into hospitals in the area that you could check into voluntarily. Research them while you have some control and choice. It may be the best bet. August is too far away. Safety aside you are suffering and it is going to get worse. You don't deserve to suffer like this and you might not need to. Fight for yourself Cash. Whatever you need to do. Now is the time to go Diva on the mental health profession. Do it now. Don't wait unti it has to be done to you.

I am seriously with you.

Go to crisis unit I told u about

Hallie Beth, I called. They said you have to have a referral from your therapist and "to be honest though, we don't have any openings." They did say that changes all the time though. I am going to talk to my therapist (the one I've had, on Tues).

Thank you! I hope you're wrong about me crashing hard. But, my chest LIVES with agitation, irritation, and panic rather than the music, sunshine, and butterflies it did last week or whenever. OMG...ambiguous here...let's just say there are so many things I wish to do. The title of this thread is VERY fitting at this moment and there is not a damn thing I can do.

I talked to mom and hubs and the plan is to try to hold out until next Friday. If I haven't heard from the new clinic, I will go to the ER at Our Lady Of Peace and do the evening IOP from 5:30 - 8:30, Mon - Fri. There I will have access to their psychiatrist. Of course, they will do the eval through the ER so if they think IP is necessary, IP I will go.

My love to you, sweet friend. I would be there for you in person if I were able. I am sorry for your lack of support and the terror you have been through.

Our Lady of Peace? I've heard of that before, I live in Kentucky about 40 minutes outside Louisville. Here the the hospitals I've been in:

Lincoln Trail: Sucks
Wellstone Regional Hospital: Much better with the exception of 1 particular doctor...
Life Springs (Hardin Memorial) Not too bad

I've been to the psych ER at UofL a couple of months ago when my mom was in the ICU and I was having a hard time dealing, they were very nice.

Then there's the Crisis Stabilization unit I've been to a few times which is okay

Thank you for that! I live in Louisville. I have been to UL's psych ward. The nurses and doctors were very nice but the patients there are very, very ill and so there is no real "group therapy." It is perfect for safety which is what I needed it for but it was hopelessly boring.

The crisis stabilization unit you mention may be the one another member has suggested. I am still going to look into that. You need a referral from your therapist.

You need to work faster on getting help dear. Lots of love..

I hope I'm wrong too honey. Sorry for saying it like that. I didn't mean to be negative. Hope lives on.

I'm glad you have a plan. Are you sure you can safely make it until Friday?