Grrr...

I'm glad you are feeling good! I enjoyed reading the song lyrics you posted, especially 19th nervous breakdown.

I relate to wanting to hop in your car at any hour ... often late at night ... and just explore, get out of the house, etc. Just be careful, sweetie.


Xo

Thank you! I am so glad you liked the lyrics, especially 19th nervous breakdown, that is one of my favorites! There are plenty more songs and lyrics where that came from if you want to hear them, lol! I was serious when I said I am made of music. I am made of music. There is no other logical explanation for my connection to music. It is not only part of me, it is my genetic makeup. It is the beauty in my body and in my soul. It's all I want, all I need, mostly all I can talk about and think about. I love it! And yes, I feel SO good! Life is good! Thank you so much! I hope your life is good too. I'm telling you, if you can just feel music, just let it melt into you, your life will be fantastic! I'm sorry if I sound like a weirdo, I just want you to know!

I am also a 31 year old SAHM only to 3 kids instead of 5. They are 7, 5, and 1 years old. Unfortunately, I can't have more, although I would. My tubes are tied thanks to this stupid illness!

I'm at SAHM to three as well. We should all start a club!

Right now I'm listening to Time Will Do The Talking by Patti Griffin on repeat:



This song's beauty is overwhelming. Patty Griffin's voice is one of the most touching I know. Listen!

Sounds like fun...and trouble.

I was thinking...if I am made of music, maybe songs are all about me. And, maybe I can do whatever songs say. Like for instance, I've mentioned 19th nervous breakdown a lot, let's use it for example. The words were written for me. Then, maybe I can literally be the peacemaker in Imagine by John Lennon. Or, like Interstate 8 by Modest Mouse (lyrics below), I could literally drive around for hours, days, months and years and never go anywhere, and maybe, no one would even know. Or, maybe I could actually be that girl to someone like the girl in Patrick Swayze's She's Like The Wind (lyrics below). It's a beautiful thought.

"Interstate 8"

Spent 18 hours waiting stoned for space
I spent the same 18 hours in the same damn place
I'm on a road shaped like a figure 8
I'm going nowhere, but I'm guaranteed to be late
You go out like a riptide
You know that ball has no sides
You're an angel with an amber halo
Black hair and the devil's pitchfork
Wind-up anger with the endless view of
The ground's colorful patchwork
How have you been?
How have you?
I drove around for hours, I drove around for days
I drove around for months and years and never went no place
We're on a pass, we're on pass
I stopped for gas, but where could place be
To pay for gas to drive around
Around the Interstate 8
You go out like a riptide
You know that ball has no sides
You're an angel with an amber halo
Black hair and the devil's pitchfork
Wind-up anger with the endless view of
The ground's colorful patchwork
How have you been?

"She's Like The Wind"
She's like the wind through my dreams
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
But she doesn't know what she's done

I feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league

Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind

I look in the mirror and all I see
Is a young old man with only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain
Living without her
I'd go insane

I feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league

Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind

I feel your breath on my face
Your body close to me
Can't look in your eyes
You're out of my league

Just a fool to believe
(Just a fool to believe)
She's like the wind

And maybe I am the object of Garbage's #1 Crush with the passion to die, kill, steal, etc for my husband or for the object of the song's affection? How cool!

#1 Crush"

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine

I will cry for you
I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your fear

I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you

See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time I am talking
You will believe in me
And I will never be ignored

I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
And tear it apart

I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're just like me

Violate all The love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored

I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal for you
I'd do time for you
I would wait for you
I'd make room for you
I'd sail ships for you
To be close to you
To be a part of you
'Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you.

Garbage - #1 Crush


This is made for me. It is me. "I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart. Tear it apart." Violate all The love that I'm missing. Throw away all the pain that I'm living"

There is no other logical explanation.

Just listen. Please, please, please listen. I am crying for you to listen. I need all of you to hear this song. It is explicit, enticing and beautiful. I need you to feel this song.

#1 Crush"

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine

I will cry for you
I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your fear

I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you

See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time I am talking
You will believe in me
And I will never be ignored

I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
And tear it apart

I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're just like me

Violate all The love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored

I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal for you
I'd do time for you
I would wait for you
I'd make room for you
I'd sail ships for you
To be close to you
To be a part of you
'Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you.

That is some good music! I can see how you feel connected to it.

I think really good music can have you feeling like it's written just for you, metaphorically.

I'm pretty sure your husband and kids would notice if you took off driving and didn't come back, though!

Thank you! It's different though, for me. I think that when it pertains to music, to lyrics, it becomes real in me, you know? I'm just different, music just runs to my bones and I think that it is reality, for me. I am special in that way. It's not that I'm better, just different. And, what if it IS true, my potential is endless; I could help so many people. I could change so many lives for the better. Just a thought.

I wish my mood could be "pensive and with haste." If the two can even go together (trust me, in my head, they can).

The Origin of Music
The origin of music itself is very difficult to determine because in all probability, it is likely to have begun with singing and clapping or beating the hands on different surfaces, for which there is no of course no archaeological record.
However, between at least 60,000 and 30,000 years ago, ancient humans experienced a type of ‘cultural explosion’ – they started creating art in the form of paintings on cave walls, jewellery and ornaments, and to bury their dead ceremonially. If we assume that these new forms of behaviour reflect the emergence of intentionality, then music as we know it must also have emerged at least during this period.
Evolutionary scientists believe that a musical culture would have helped prehistoric human species to survive because the music coordinates emotions, helps important messages to be communicated, motivates people to identify with a group, and motivates individuals to support other group members.
Oldest musical instrument
The oldest musical instrument ever discovered is believed to be the Divje Babe flute, discovered in a cave in Slovenia in 1995, though this has been disputed. The item is a fragment of the femur of a cave bear, which has been dated at 60,000-43,000 years old, which had been pierced with spaced holes. Scientists who could not accept the possibility that Neanderthals were playing music rejected the claim and said that the perfectly spaced and neatly carved holes are in fact the result of the bone fragment having been chewed by an animal. However, a general consensus that the Divje Babe flute is actually a musical instrument has been growing as the view of the Neanderthals from subhuman brutes to more sophisticated humans is changing.
In 2008, another discovery was made – a bone flute in the Hohle Fels cave near Ulm in Germany dating back 43,000 years. The five-holed flute has a V-shaped mouthpiece and is made from a vulture wing bone. It was one of several similar instruments found in the area, with others dating back to 35,000 years ago and made from mammoth ivory. The mammoth-ivory flutes would have been especially challenging to make. Using only stone tools, the flute maker would have had to split a section of curved ivory along its natural grain. The two halves would then have been hollowed out, carved, and fitted together with an airtight seal.
The cave in southern Germany contains early evidence for the occupation of Europe by Homo sapiens and on announcing the discovery, scientists suggested that the "finds demonstrate the presence of a well-established musical tradition at the time when modern humans colonized Europe". They suggested that music may have helped to maintain bonds between larger groups of humans, and that this may have helped the species to expand both in numbers and in geographical range.
Those who have rejected the finding of the Divje Babe flute have claimed that music played a role in the maintenance of larger social networks which may have given modern humans the edge over the Neanderthals. However, looking at the images of the Dibje Babe flute, which dates back to the time of the Neanderthals, it seems quite ridiculous to assume that it was made by the tooth holes of carnivores.
By John Black

It is very interesting to read about music. I want to learn more. I believe I was there when music first came to be. The sounds, the words, the movements, it was all part of me. Perhaps all of us have been here since the start of time? Perhaps our realities have been altered? I believe in God. In fact, I believe in only one God. It doesn't change the fact that we all probably have it wrong.

It's interesting to study those types of things and I have sometimes been able to channel my hypo mania into study or some say obsession over a subject. Keeps me out of trouble and I learn about the history of the human race and how we have evolved. Music is definitely an interesting one and not one I know much about before Bach and Mozart eras ( baroque? My music scholarship days were a long time ago haha) do you think you could educate us with some basics of where it all started?

Just some musings. My mind is racing very quickly so this is quite disorganized and all over the place (and possibly doesn't make sense). It is also likely far from my acceptable writing. I want to share it anyway.

I listen as my seven year old daughter shouts shotgun in hopes of claiming a seat next to the driver. Perhaps she's trying to preside over who she considers adults (really just children covered in age). I stand there with my little second place heart avoiding the sun, hoping to mask the light that seeps through my veins like a proud goddess, unrealistic and completely surreal.

I try to explain that the phrase shotgun in any form is really just a weapon of death. My dizzy stride controls my once childhood dream of living proudly in fame, controlling and deceiving the world I once believed to be peaceful and compassionate.

Perhaps pride is merely a form of self-denial molded into someone who appears to have together wrapped up in the palm of his hand. Or, maybe pride is just a child's cry for attention. There is no longer life outside of boundaries, no longer life outside of our personality claimed by a name in some psychiatrist's book or perhaps Webster's Dictionary. Perhaps those mentally ill are simply products of reality labeled otherwise by those who also use their brains to the foot of their knowledge.

A large portion of geniuses are considered insane. Is it because they have a much better grasp of reality and it's actually unrealistic features? Is it because they know how to use their own minds, how to create their own theories that are a multitude greater than the rest of the world's theories?

At a time, most believed the earth was flat. The human race believed that if one sailed too far, he would fall off the face of the earth. The small mass who believed otherwise was considered insane. Once the truth was discovered, likely everyone, except that small mass, was considered insane.

Throughout history, people have been misunderstood. Mentally ill are especially misunderstood. Perhaps, however, mentally ill are more in touch with human emotion. Perhaps they can interpret dream as reality.

Perhaps our fate is chosen by our mind rather than everyday occurrences. Why do we sometimes dream what we think just before we fall asleep? Are we sometimes victims to our own minds? Can we not control our minds all of the time? No? Then why must we harshly label mentally ill? None of us has control all of the time and we therefore should all be considered insane.

No. Perhaps I'll just shout shotgun and get a seat next to the driver in hopes that someday I'll have control, while everyone else just sits back and enjoys the ride.

I'm worried dear. You seem pretty high. I'm worried you're gonna crash. That full dose of klonopin may be a good idea.

Thank you Hallie Beth! I am doing fine! There is no need to worry!

My cousin is a lesbian. I always thought I was until later I discovered I wasn't. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe it was a combination of my christian faith and my mother's influence, but I started dating guys. And, I enjoyed it. I love my husband VERY much. Sometimes though, I crave the embrace of a woman.

"You're just like me."

"You will believe in me and I could never be ignored."

I don't know what the **** to do.

I may die. I honestly feel like I just want to die. Maybe if I run really fast and just never, ever stop running, maybe then I will be okay. I don't know what to do.

Maybe if I stop listening to this song, I will be okay. I can't do it though. Silence is poison and this song is helping me breathe.