Grrr...

I think you need to go to the hospital. NOW. I know you're saying you are fine but you've had one mighty mood swing in the last hour and you need help. You need to wake your husband, tell him you are not safe and that you have these thoughts and get to the hospital.

Yeah, you are not fine. Be safe. Do what needs to be done and at the very least check in with your therapist or psychiatrist and tell them what has been going on with you and how you're feeling.

My husband will tell me to get off the computer, take the other klonapin, and try to go to sleep. I took the other klonapin; I needed it. What he doesn't understand is my body has forgotten how to sleep. I don't think I need to go to the hospital. I almost always manage without. Thank you for caring! I will log off here and try to leave you guys alone. I'm sorry I'm so insane. Have I lost my ****ing mind? I can pace and pace and pace and pace and pace and pace and pace and pace.

You can stay on here, that's not the problem and as your thearpist said if it occupies your mind that is good. But you do not sound like you are ok. You sound very, very manic and a few posts ago you sounded rather desperate. I know what that feels like and it is awful. I hate the hospital too and nearly always manage to stay out but that doesn't mean it's not a good choice sometimes. Honestly after the last time I delayed going until I was too close to the end I will never not go as soon as I near the point that I don't know what to do with myself anymore and nothing is helping me calm down. That scared me into thinking the hospital is a better idea than what my brain comes up with. I don't want you to land there and it sounds like your mood is starting to shift and when you're so high up down can be a long way to fall and if that is happening you need help before you are slammed too hard with too much, even if it is the middle of the night. Where I go most people seem to come in the middle of the night. It's a scary time when you can't sleep or stay still.

Being safe is the important thing but if you are starting to cycle out of the mania that may be pretty hard to do at home, especially if klonopin that has knocked you out in the past isn't doing anything. I've been there too and it's scary when that happens (in fact that was a big part of my episode that I'm getting out of).

Just take care of yourself.

If you need to talk I'm going to be awake for probably 2 more hours at this rate, maybe longer. Pretty high myself tonight although you have me beat.

Thank you.

This is a completely odd thing but I've been doing it for years. For whatever reason eating ice calms me. I usually crunch it up in the blender but there's something about the cold and it being hard and waiting for it to melt that soothes me. I've been doing this a lot lately because it also helps my upset stomach from my med increase but maybe some ice would be soothing? (I am sure there is no basis in any science for this but I've found it calming for a good 20 years, since college at least, maybe sooner).

I agree with everyone. You seem to be getting more and more manic as time goes on.

I don't know you well, but it seems like it is escalating and heading somewhere bad.

So, the Klonapin worked. I slept almost 4 hours last night. This morning I feel more than a little embarrassed by some of the things I said. I told my husband this morning that I "almost had a nervous breakdown last night." He apparently didn't think it was funny . He wanted me to wake him. I am so sorry for my behavior! I guess 2 MG of Klonapin it is. Much love to you all!

Happy you got some sleep and are feeling better.

Oh, and don't be embarassed about your manic ramblings. Lord, we've all been there before.

Just look after yourself, okay? Four hours isn't a lot. Maybe preemptively take the full dose and try to get more sleep tonight?

Yeah, I think everyone with bp has probably been there, no worries. But while it might just be manic rambling, people can be attracted to men and women at the same time though not necessarily to the same degree. You might just be bisexual.

Take care of yourself. Sounds like you're having a difficult time right now.

Big hugs

Thanks guys! I have a birthday party to go to today. Praying I can get by without being an eccentric lunatic!

I've just left said party. I was not the life of the party. I was, as my mood suggests, pensive. I practically only stopped thinking enough to talk to a friend who is pregnant about the potential severity of ppd and to tell her the healing power of music. She said, "music huh?" I told my best friend that I am afraid I am losing my mind again. I told her that I begged you guys in tears to listen to a song because I needed you to feel it. Maybe that was over the top. But, no one understands what I am saying. I asked her if I needed to share this with my pdoc and she said he will only put me on more meds.

Francesca Battistelli

Or dfferent meds?

Or maybe a different pdoc?

I am going to a walk in clinic next week. You have to see a therapist first. There is an 8 - 10 week wait for a new pdoc though.

Please tell me what I need to do if tonight turns into last night.

Oh, I looked into something like that. It's a ridiculous story but I caught whooping cough while doing home health about 5 years ago (I am allergic to the vaccines and they tried half doses but I didn't gain immunity). That turned into asthma that is triggered by chemicals, sometimes completely random things. And while the treatment for serious asthma attacks is steroids steroids make me so manic that I would need to go from the ER to psych. And since I am a long way from my psychiatrist and the hospital I really want to be in/need to be in for psych (to prevent people screwing with my delicate balance of meds) we decided it would be good to find someone local to work who could have spoken with my psychiatrist and who could speak for me if I wound up in the ER unable to breathe or talk well enough to explain (this actually happened. I wrote it out on a paper towel while gasping for air). The person my pdoc was able to get a referral for was at a clinic like that and they refused, under any circumstances, to let me meet with her without having 2 clinic visits prior and then a waiting list. And she was the only option I had in the area where I worked. So I wound up just praying to not have an asthma attack that I couldn't control on my own. And then I wound up having to quit working anyway.

I'm glad you are going to the new place. Maybe if the therapist understands how much you've been struggling they can get you seen faster. I can't imagine they don't do that all the time for people in situations that require help sooner than 2 months out.

I would suggest knocking yourself out with the meds and going to bed before your thoughts start up again. It's probably a good idea to wake your husband up if you wake up and can't get back to sleep. You seemed to hit a really bad downswing last night and you shouldn't be alone if it happens again.

I agree with Skywalking, 100%.

Do you have a crisis line # you could call if you are awake and feel like you need to talk to someone and don't want your husband? My therapist has made sure I have memorized and programmed one into my cell phone as well as knowing where to look for another one (clearly he's serious about this) and while I haven't used that before I know it can help a lot just to talk to someone, anyone when things are feeling out of control.

There are also online chat ones. I did try one of those once but there was a slight wait and by the time I was called up I had calmed down a bit.

Thank you both. I took 2 MG of Klonapin this evening, stopped coffee early and, at my mom's insistence, didn't take the Vyvanse (stimulant) this morning. This whole day (minus the vyvanse) I seemed less vigorous (to me at least) and had less internal agitation. I still had a pretty ****ing awesome day. I'm pretty sure I was quite a ***** though. Maybe the combination of these things will actually make me sleep and thus not provoke a frenzied madness in me again. I am just not equipped to handle it.

Oh...and my mom just said I am too focused on music and I need to turn it off, lie in bed in silence, and do relaxation techniques to go to sleep. She doesn't understand that silence is poison. I can't ever go to sleep without music again. It wouldn't be good.