Grrr...

It does sound like you are obsessed with music right now in an unusual way. I second calling a crisis line if you can't sleep tonight and need to talk to someone. Also the clinic should let you see a pdoc sooner if they know you are in an acute manic state and seem to be on the verge of psychosis (or are already there). Take care of yourself and good for you for quitting those stimulants today. Those will only make thing worse.

Can you try wordless music? I listen to something called "Chinese flute" which is really relaxing and has lots of nature sounds (Chinese flute is very general, not something specific) but it helps me. I tend to have a lot of trouble with music with words though; unless I'm very careful they stick in my head and torment me (much more psych related than just an earworm).

I hate suggesting this because i know how it was for me, but after a very bad mania in 2007 I realized I was using caffeine as an upper. I quit, cold turkey (which meant I had 3 days of headaches) and have only had the small amount that is in chocolate since. It made a very large difference. It was very hard to admit that I was using Coke as a drug but I was. Caffeine free me does better. (more I know I'd be even worse if I had caffeine than I see this on a day-to-day basis). I can't believe it's been nearly 8 years. It also helps with reducing calories which is nice.

But very good for backing off stimulants today! The more of them you can avoid the better life will be in my experience (having said that years later I did go back on provigil/nuvigil but in a very, very controlled way and when I was much more stable than Caffiene Woman had ever been) and I stopped them when I stopped working.

You can keep writing here. I've been following you even though I'm mostly quiet and I care about your wellbeing, as we all do. If tonight toes as poorly as last night I would try to stay calm by breathing exercises.mdo something to get the negative energy out, like calisthenics in a room where your husband won't be disturbed. Sit ups, push ups, jumping jacks. Write your heart out. Whether it's on here or on paper, in a blog, something. And know it's not forever.

And of course you know that if you're in danger, go to the ER. I hope you have a better night.

This is the most wonderful lullaby mix. It's very sweet and calming. I listen to it often. Maybe it'll be helpful for you. 8tracks | Refreshingly human playlists. If you can, play it on your phone with headphones as you're in bed. Knocks me right out.

Thank you! I hope you're right about the clinic. Everyone thinks I'm crazy.

I hate the word crazy. Nobody who understands bipolar thinks you are crazy, they think you are having an episode and they care and want you to feel better. That whole "crazy" thing has so much negativity attached and this is not something you've done wrong and should have negativity attached to it. It is what it is (and what it is SUCKS) but it's the illness it isn't you. I'm not sure I'm saying this well. My mind is in 2 places and my cat is pestering me for something. I'm actually going off on weird tangents and erasing them. So before I do that again, I'll just say it's a nasty, mean disease but it doesn't make you crazy.

I will try wordless music. The relaxation techniques didn't work out (but I listened to Dave Matthews SHHH. I am far from sleep.

We should talk more about caffeine later! I've not ever given it much thought.

Thank you so much!

Thank you! That is so thoughtful! I will play it tonight.

Thank you Jen. That means a lot to me.

I honestly have to kind of enforce a no you-tube or music past the point I'm starting to relax rule. It's just what works for me but I've learned that kind of stimulus isn't good for me.

Definitely think about getting off caffeine. I am pretty sure that I didn't have another manic episode as severe as the one where I quit caffeine until this last one, so 8 years. I never remember manic episodes accurately though so my therapist would probably laugh at that. The only time I've almost had caffeine in nearly 8 years was in the hospital, ironic since they don't give caffeine to psych patients. I started to drink my tea and realized it was not decaf and freaked out but my one sip wasn't an actual problem. I just noticed that I was loading up on more and more caffeine when I was having episodes and the more they sedated me the more caffeine I was drinking. So instead of working against the meds I gave it up and honestly don't miss it at all except for the rare summer day when a nice cold cola would be good and it's always hard to find decaf with sugar since I can't have artificial sweeteners due to migraines.

Another trick I have is that I've recorded my therapist doing relaxation exercises with me so that I have a familiar, calming voice doing it.

Here are my other calming techniques: 1) Draw an infinity sign (I always have to turn it sideways and draw an 8 b/c I'm pathetic at drawing). Trace it 10 times with your dominant hand then switch and trace 10 times with your non-dominant hand. something about engaging both sides of the brain. 2) Get out notepaper with lines and crayons. Dump the crayons out. Color one row across with your right hand. Randomly select another crayon and go back across with the left hand. Alternate down the page. Don't pick crayon colors so you don't think about that. 3) Find pictures, best of nothing in particular and stare and them and noice minute details. I write them down but you don't have to. Stare at each picture for a few minutes and keep finding details nobody would see without really trying. (ie in a picture of fall leaves see the mushroom barely poking out or the one speck of green leaf left in the pile).

Another that that I've done in the hospital is adult coloring books. You can find them on Amazon and probably free print-outs online. They are complex and take focus to work on them but not manic focus.

Those things have gotten me through some rough nights.

Definitely no caffeine. My psychiatrist said anything stimulating can turn hypomania into mania.

I have also quit coffee.

Books on tape seem to work for me. Something about the process of laying down in the dark and trying to visualize what's being described works wonders for me. I'm out in minutes.

I like the rolling stones and beatles one - yeah that's pretty accurate for me right now.

Those are good tips. I like the mandala coloring books, with the circular designs. Those take concentration and are quite calming.

How's it going, cash? Thinking of you. Hoping you got plenty of rest and are feeling better.

It is going good. I am pissed off and can't get past what everyone thinks. I told my husband what my mom said to me last night and rather than agree with me, which I thought he would (he has never said anything about it), he said he has thought that for a while (that I am too obsessed with music). He should see what I now know that my complete understanding of music is what pulled me out of the deep long depression I just came out of. And, I am perfectly aware that some of my views are viewed as crazy but I, firstly, don't care and secondly, want people to understand. I'm not obsessed with it. Then my father in law said to my one year old that her mom and dad might not spank her but grandpa sure will. I think he only says these things to irritate me and it worked. I left to go to the store and when I came back I stayed in the car to "avoid getting wet in the rain". My husband called to ask if I was afraid of a little drizzle and I just said sarcastically I'm listening to the Beatles, sorry. They can think I'm a *****. The 2 MG of klonapin sure did knock me out. Now I understand why it has "anti manic properties." I didn't go to sleep right away but when I did I was out like a light and SUPER groggy (almost disoriented) when I awoke. I had to take another .5. MG this afternoon and I have been very tired all day. I'm about to take a nap. Thanks for checking on me. Love to you all!

Naps are good!

NOT CRAZY!!!!!!!



(and I bet they don't think anything else that you think they are seeing you as, I think they are just seeing you as manic.)

That's interesting about the klonopin. I was changed to it from ativan in the hospital 6 years ago when ativan just didn't seem to be working well anymore, even supplemented with hydroxyzine. Granted at the time I was very, very severely depressed after being weaned off my AD to go on my MAOI but it never was sedating or anything, just pleasantly relaxing, even in the first weeks on the MAOI which were so stimulating I was alternating valium and klonopin just to get through work because I was so wired. I've been on 2 mg at bedtime for what seems like forever and 1 mg PRN and never have been the least bit tired. Of course that's me and drugs; 100% guaranteed to not work properly.

Clonazepam doesn't make me sleepy either. It just makes me feel relaxed.

Drowsiness is a side effect. I read about it and it may go away after a few days. I went from .5 MG to 2.5 MG though. Geodon had the same effect on me.

I hope it lasts for you for now. I think that sounds like exactly what you need.

How are you this evening? I'm soaking my feet in mouthwash trying to make them look pretty so I can try on sandals tomorrow. After a year of casts, walking boots, braces, etc my feet have taken a beating. I should exercise; I walked a mile and a half today and then it rained and I had to stop but I need to burn the energy. And the stinking weight from the med increase. At this rate I'm going to be 9 sizes bigger by the end of the summer unless I get off this dose of medication. Yet my mood tracker says I'm still manic so this may be a long time. I can't wait to get paid Wednesday so I can can buy some fruit and healthy foods.

cash - Clonazepam made me drowsy at first. I have a way high benzo tolerance now after taking them for so long! It is good it's making you sleepy. I hope you keep on feeling better! Oh, and you mentioned feeling a little grumpy (I think you said *****y!). I have been a total ***** past couple of days. Just a big grump! My poor husband! It's about that time of the month. Sorry for the tmi. Lol!

jen - Completely can relate with your weight frustrations. At this rate I'm going to be about twenty pounds fatter than I was last summer! I'm going shopping wed after work to buy "fat" summer clothes since I look pudgy in the wardrobe I bought before I started gaining. And I'm eating healthy and get plenty of physical activity! It's not like I'm stuffing myself with sweets and cheese burgers or something. Seroquel is a fat pill. That's what I call it at night before taking it (very loud so my husband who is so passionate about me not stopping it can hear. lol!).

RaspberryTorte-
I have only gained weight on a med like this once before and that was at the very beginning. I've gained 90 lbs in 13 years but it was gradual. I lost a great deal of it when I went off Depakote but re-gained it as my Seroquel went up. Last year I went from 900 to 1200 and didn't gain anything. 1200 to 1500 is horrible. I had shirts a size too big from my usual medicated size from last year because I was on crutches and wanted my shirts to not pull too tightly for modesty. But last week I went and bought more and I still have to get some shorts. It is really bothering me but there's no good solution. Hopefully I'll start Latuda next month and hopefully it will work and let me come down on the dose of Seroquel but I don't see that happening until my mood comes down and realistically that could be September. Usually June is bad and the rest of the summer is a little high but not bad. Going in to June manic could screw with that badly. And if I have to deal with this much Seroquel for the next 3 months I might as well accept that I will be much heavier than ever before and I was heavy enough. I know my pdoc understands that I don't want the weight gain but that there is simply not a great deal of choice right now because this is crisis mode. I hate crisis mode. I think I gained 4 lbs so far. I haven't checked in several days.

Exercise is tricky. I can't be outside when it is too warm for my walks and our road isn't safe to walk on once it gets darker. Indoor aerobics should help but that turned out to just show that I need more PT b/c I have tendonitis in my hip due to the way I've walked since surgery. I have to find a way around this.

I am eating pretty healthily but am not hungry a lot (my stomach is upset) and so I eat one meal per day. Last night I could find anything appetizing to eat with meds and then my stomach got more upset so I tried to eat popcorn and even that was not good. And so today my stomach is even more reflux-y, despite twice a day Nexium. It's lovely, this dose of Seroquel. I have not been bothered by the stuff before very much but this is TOO MUCH.

On weight:

I have also gained quite a bit of weight but, on the contrary to both of you, I have been eating unhealthy foods. I am eating unhealthier than I have ever eaten and I have no explanation for it other than giving into cravings. It really bothers my husband and I don't blame him. I am between 1 and 2 sizes larger than my profile pic and I was already big then. It is pitiful.

On music:

My mom is being a total control freak. Sarah, you always have delusions when you are very manic. Can you not see that? She went on about how I was to go to bed with no music. She assured me that nothing bad would happen if I go to sleep with no music. I asked if she felt that way about instrumental music and she said any music is unhealthy for me right now. I can't tell her that music is poisonous, that now that I understand the truth I could never go to sleep without it. Something bad would happen; I would at least fall back into severe depression. Music is my life. My seven year old asked me if one of the songs I listen to is evil and if she will be in trouble that it is stuck in her head. I realize that is bad of me but I still felt anger. I HAD to hear that song and it was nearly impossible to replace it with the beatles. My mom explained to me that is horrible, irresponsible and if my problems are spilling into my children that is serious. She wants to come with me to my pdoc appointment but at the same time she blames his medication changes on my state of mind. What will she even tell him? That I have an unhealthy attachment to music. It's not unhealthy and lots of people have powerful connections to music. There is nothing new there. I feel frustrated.