[HighOnHotSauce]

I have BiPolar type 1 and I'm on a ton of lithium and some risperdal. I'm also an alcoholic/addict. I have had suicidal thoughts on a daily basis as long as I can remember and I'm 43 years old. About 9 months ago I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and put on lithium and my suicidal thinking went away. Today, that's changed. My weekends have always been long tracks of lonely time that I did my best to fill and with the help of my meds, I filled them pretty well. After many months, today I find myself questioning why I keep living at all and I should just end it. What's the point, in this empty, do nothing, desperately trying to fill up my empty lonely time life. What is it worth? Right now I feel like there is no real point in being around. I don't know. I have no exact plan for suicide, but I just don't know. I just want things to be different.

[Blue_Bird]

I'm sorry you're going through this

Have you thought of taking up some kind of hobby? That could fill some of your time with enjoyable activities and you could meet people with similar interests. Collecting stuff, art, crafts, sports, learning a new language or learn about something new (Celtic mythology, just a random example)

[Skywalking]

Have you told your doctor about this? You might need your meds adjusted. It sounds like they're not working for you.

Maybe the doctor needs to add an anti-depressant. Are you drinking more? that is a depressant.

I am sorry you feel this way. It is hard, I know.

You definitely sound depressed. That is how I feel when depressed. LIke there is no point in life. No point to waking up. No point in doing anything.

Please see your doctor. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I was there not too long ago and it's AWFUL!

[Recovery Girl]

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I am glad you do not have a plan. I know it can be very difficult living with an illness like that. I'm new on here & not sure if I can suggest this, but have you tried any support groups that is face to face? I've found one that has been very helpful for me & there are several in the group who deal with Bipolar. It is a nationally wide organization & have affiliates & support groups in every state. If I find out I can name the organization I will. I just wanted to reply quickly to let you know that you are not alone, and there is Hope if you do not give up on it. Hang in there!

[Moogieotter]

Hi,

Sorry you are suffering. How is your recovery from drugs and alcohol coming along? For me, sobriety comes first. Psych meds and therapy and anything related to bipolar is basically pointless to me if I'm completely 100% clean and sober. Almost all the meds say "Do not drink alcohol when taking this medicine" does not mean it's always dangerous it usually means the 18,000 mg of a depressant called Ethanol in every drink changes the meds effectiveness.

Do you have means to go Inpatient Treatment? And I do not mean 72 hours of stabilization. For me, full on residential treatment for 6 weeks was key.

Good luck,

moogs

the only thing i'd say is that suicide is a final option. you should explore every possible option first

sorry i can't be more help.
been feeling that way for so long now it'ss part of me

[seesawgirl]

You sound like me 6 years ago. The first thing my psych did was get me off of the booze. He put me on Camperal. I couldn't take it longer than 3 weeks because of the side effects but it was enough to break the cycle. I have been sober since. Since getting sober I have been on so many different meds that I don't even know the count. It's only been about a month that I've finally been put on the right mixture of meds. It takes time and patience. I feel really great now. I do have an occasional day where I've been depressed and I just do things to keep my mind occupied like reading, watching movies, playing on the computer, etc. It's hard. When I hit 50, I felt like what is the point in going on. I had nothing to look forward to. I can't work. I don't have goals anymore because there's nothing I can do to fulfill them. It was really bad. But I told my psych everything and that's when I got put on the right meds. I won't do anything because I could never hurt my daughter if I did. Do you have any kids or anyone special in your life?

It's not easy. I'm lonely too even though I'm surrounded by family. I haven't had a date in 6 years. I've been divorced for 16 years. But yesterday I went to a classic car show, and don't you know that I was asked out to dinner by one of the men showcasing his car?! You just never know where life is going to take you.

I hope some of this helps you. I want so much for you to feel better.

[avlady]

please don't hurt yourself and try to stop the drinking. maybe you do need a med change too

[Recovery Girl]

Highonhotsauce, hope you are feeling better today.
I found out it's ok to tell you about the support group that has helped me so much. It's NAMI (National Aliance on Mental Illness) You can go on their website www.nami.org to find out more about it & mental illness. You can also find where the nearest group is in your area.
They are very supportive and encouraging and you'll find that most of them are going through the same things you are. I've been a part of our group for 3 yrs and have received so much support since I started participating. Wishing you well, have a good day!

[Lonely1985]

Hi High, I know what you are going through. I have the same thoughts and the same problem trying to fill my time (all the time). Unfortunately I don't have any advice to give you, I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am currently considering some kind of "manic adventure" (change jobs, move somewhere different, join a club) because sometimes just changing the scenery buys me a little extra time alive. If you are suicidal, think of any option that might bring you joy (instead of death) and pursue that because life is already short and we don't know what is on the other side of death; try to enjoy this ride as long as you can in any way that you can.

[Homeira]

So sorry you have to go through this! It is really hard. Remember that these things take time. It is an adjustment you have to go through. Suicide is not the answer, not now, not ever. You will come out of this, and life will be better. I am speaking from experience. Hard times will come, for sure, but always many, many good times as well. Don't deprive yourself of the good things life still has in store for you.