Gobsmacked

Don't know where to start. I feel devastated.

I stared going though my stuff to gather a big pile and then call a junk removal service. It would solve the problem of getting rid of stuff I can't lift and those that are too awkward for me to get down the steps.

So Friday I had a couple boxes of papers for the past few years and a plastic file box from the apartment before this. The file has years 1998- the first half of 2000. I was in the hospital 9 times during that time, once for 10 days out for one day back in for over a week. I don't know I was holding down a full time job? I could have sworn I hadn't ODed since the 80s when the last time was so horrible. But there it was in black and white. I know when I get into a mixed episode I want so bad to get out of it I sometimes say I'm going to quit all my meds and fast, that it will clean me up and make things better the next minute I'm going to take all my meds so I feel better, but I didn't think I had. There are so many holes in my memory!

Then the more recent stuff had a report my T wrote to a Pdoc she wanted me to have a copy of, part of her being open with me and helping me trust her. Under diagnoses she started with bipolar, current episode mixed, I crossed that off and wrote MDD. It was just my copy, but it was from 09, I wouldn't even admit to bipolar then and I thought she had agreed I only had MDD. I also found the notes from the Pdocs that she sent me to. They start out with MDD, PTSD then mood disorder NOS, then bipolar, then -this patient is definitely bipolar. I started off as logical, insightful and went to very poor insight regarding Dx, will only agree to sub optimal medications, very distrustful. From calm orientation to delusional, paranoid and my GAF kept going down. That's not how I remember it. I remember it as they were lying to me, trying to put me on APs and mood stabilizers I didn't need, and making up stuff that wasn't true....that I was bipolar.

It feels like my world has tilted, an icy cold hand of reality has reached out and slapped me in the face. I never realized it was that bad. I know I can't recall how many times I've been hospitalized, I know I've been told often since the 80's that I'm bipolar but I never believed it and I felt I had a pretty minor Mi and could never understand why they gave me SSDI without ever talking to me.

Going though that stuff makes me sound horribly sick and it hits me how it so typical of bipolar to keep going off meds and refusing treatment. I feel like my god I really am bipolar!!! I just recently agreed to bipolar II and that was hard to admit to. I'm so devastated. I don't want this, I thought it wasn't that bad, that I was closer to sane. I can't get it out of my head. I keep wondering how many other situations I've interpreted wrong, and how other people must see me. I can't stop crying.

what is is ... it happened ... it's in the past ... you can't change it ... why torture yourself over something you can't change ... why look back at all ... the present is all that we need ... we need to live in the moment ... bp is hard enough day by day ... impossible if we drag the past with it ... let go of the past ... live for today ... live, love, enjoy your life ... God bless you,, I wish you the best ... please be kind to yourself ...

Aww sidestepper...

Like wire twister said....its in the past. You are here now. Look around. We are all Bipolar...1s 2s and 4.5s and 3/4. Those numbers don't matter. And we are a good group of people.

Look at everything you have been through and SURVIVED. You are a SURVIVOR. It is amazing that all of that happened to you and here you are.

and learning this gives you more self awareness. I think self awareness is one of the most important things we have in our fight against Bipolar.

I hope you have a good cry. The world isn't over though. You just have to adjust to this new view of the past. We all do that when we get our dx. You just got a very big smack in the face. Just wait it out. Hang in there.

Capriciousness self awareness is a great way to describe it.

Thanks wire twister, I think I need some time to see this new side of me.

Give yourself permission to let go of the past. Throw out anything that you don't need from the past. I find anything to do with my past, childhood memories, photo's, school reports, hospitalization records, Therapists notes - they're incredibly triggering. Thoughts of 'what a waste', 'what have I done with my life', 'why did it have to be me', 'when will this end', they all come flooding back.

But, the past is the past. You cannot change it, so there is nothing but lessons to be gained by living in it. Don't beat yourself about the head with it. No wet fish allowed ok! Once those lessons have been learned, leave the past behind you. There is a saying, all be it a very old saying, back from when the farmer walked behind the horse with his single plow attached, that 'he that looks behind should not plow the field'. In other words, make your present and future as productive as you can, and you can only do that by concentrating on what is now and what is in your future. Besides, who wants to drag around a closet full of skeletons?

xXx

Thanks marsupialaim I am glad I had those papers. They allowed me to see just how sick I can get. Between denial and downplaying the seriousness of the BP I think I've made things much harder on myself and it kept me from having a healthier life. I have gotten better at dealing with the symptoms the last couple of years. Now I just need to let go of the remorse of not having accepted this much sooner.

I know I might sound weird saying this, but "what a gift"! I've gone in circles and circles and wondered why nothing every changes. Wondering why **** keeps happening to me and going through hell! I agree with the others to not keep living in the past, however learn from it and go forward. If you need to get rid of all the documents, write or type everything up that you learned today. Make an outline, and dump everything afterward! Get rid of it. Keep the outline for review when you start having doubts about your diagnosis and if you should stay on meds, etc. Hugs to you!