I'm feeling so hopeless/annoyed/angry/hurt/confused by my husband - and the worst of it is I don't even know if I'm being totally irrational or not and I have no one to talk to about it (i.e., to give me a reality check)

I want the person I'm with to be my best friend, to WANT to be there for me, to know HOW to be there for me. I don't want to have to tell him I'm upset AND give him step by step instructions on what he should and shouldn't do about it. I want someone who, when he sees me hurting, responds with comfort and companionship like an automatic reflex, like my pain is his pain. This is how it was in the beginning, now I just feel like a burden or a broken record - always one step away from going too far by needing too much.

No matter how many 'talks' we have about this issue, he never seems to get it. He is such a sweet and kind person, but he just has no idea what this is like and it's so hurtful that he puts no effort into understanding it better (I mean, you can lead a horse to water, but...) I just feel so unbelievably lonely and unimportant and hopeless. How can I stay married to someone who is so willfully oblivious to such a huge part of my experience?

And to think; things were going just fine only a few days ago...now all I an think about is running away

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If your husband is a sweet and kind person, why do you think he's unable to comprehend your needs so much? Do you think it's a matter of your needs being over the top, or does he have something wrong, which makes him unable to be emotionally present for you?

Sorry if it sounds like I'm prying.

I relate well to your last sentence. "Things were going just fine a few days ago, ....now all I can think about is running away" I feel like this often.

(((BIG HUGS)))

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If your husband is a sweet and kind person, why do you think he's unable to comprehend your needs so much? Do you think it's a matter of your needs being over the top, or does he have something wrong, which makes him unable to be emotionally present for you?

Sorry if it sounds like I'm prying.

I relate well to your last sentence. "Things were going just fine a few days ago, ....now all I can think about is running away" I feel like this often.

(((BIG HUGS)))

I appreciate your "prying" ! (like I mentioned, I really have no one to talk to about this so it's relieving). I think it's a combination of not understanding what bipolar is and not wanting to understand. He's said it himself: he's a very practical person who goes into "fix" mode whenever there's a problem. But I've pointed out to him many times that this attitude is often not very helpful in the midst of of emotional turmoil, because there is no "answer." I bought a book awhile ago about bipolar/relationships and asked why he didn't bother reading it - he said he didn't like reading/thinking about me as a diseased person, as someone with an illness. I just don't relate to this attitude at all. I always want to know more and more and more about anything that effects me or those I care about.

I'm worried I've "married my mother" who has similar emotional blockages...

[CopperStar]

He sounds lazy and cowardly to me. But then of course I am heavily biased.

I really don't believe that neuro-typicals can understand what mental illness is like. The equivalent I imagine is like if I tried to imagine what the color red tastes like. It just does not compute.

The result for me is that I either do not bond with neuro-typicals, or if I do, it's a more light-hearted and distanced bond, I just accept the limitations.

For me personally, I could not accept such a distanced bond in a romantic relationship. It just wouldn't work.

Not trying to be a negative nancy, but just saying that I think if you decide you can't handle the marriage, I can completely understand where you'd be coming from, no need to feel guilty about it.

[Edgar's Mom]

Something in your post caught my attention. It was when you talked about not wanting to have to tell him that you are upset and then give instructions...wanting him to know how to comfort you like an automatic reflex.

One thing I have learned that helped me a lot was I had to get in touch with how I felt and learn to identify what I need. I had to recognize that it was unfair for me to expect my husband to be a mind-reader and to automatically know how I felt or to know what I needed. So now I will say "I need to be alone," or "I need you to stay with me," or "I need you to cuddle me" or whatever. I communicate this need, and then it's up to him what he does with that.

Part of it is that I think men and women (for the most part) are conditioned to communicate differently.

An example: Driving with my hubby and my camera in the car. I see a side road that intrigues me and say, "that looks like a cool road to explore and take pictures of."

My hubby drives by it. I get angry and ask him why he didn't turn down it. He says he didn't know I wanted him to. I explain that I thought I'd made that clear, but because I wasn't explicit, he didn't get that.

Any of my girlfriends would have picked up on that and immediately turned down the road. Any of his friends would have said: "Turn here."

So in my experience, it has been partly because I have learned to recognize how I feel first of all, and then what I need. If I can't figure that out, it is unfair for me to expect him to. Then I needed to learn how to communicate this. Ie "I feel like hurting myself and I don't want to be alone." or "I feel devastated and I need comfort" or "I need to be alone." or whatever I need. But first I have to realize what those needs are.

The other piece to that is his piece. I'll explain. Years ago when the kids were younger I had one of my outbursts that I get when I switch from Hypo to Depressed and I utterly trashed the third story of our house--things thrown all over, including furniture.

Talking with my counsellor later I was very remorseful and she brought up an interesting point. She asked me if that was what it took for me to be heard...

I realized that I had been indicating that the mess (which was the trigger) had been bothering me and I had expressed it, but that he hadn't heard me. So that belongs to him.

But.....Looking back I realize that I probably only hinted at it bothering me and expected my hubby to lock onto that and take immediate action. And looking back I know that I can go from 0-100 in no time so can be completely okay with something (like a mess) until I'm not. And then all hell breaks loose. It's like I will suddenly realize that something is bothering me and expect everyone else around me to know even before I do. I don't know if you have anything like that going on at all, but I thought I'd share it just in case it resonates.

If you have a hubby you love, and who is sweet and kind, then I believe it's just a matter of improving communication and developing strategies. That is, if he is willing to meet you part way and hear what you have to say when you tell him what you need.

One more situation where I have had trouble telling him what I need. I've had nights where he has fallen asleep and I am feeling really unstable or when I've been crying like my heart was broken.

I would want him to wake up and comfort me. Sometimes he would, but sometimes he would be too tired. So I would lie there crying as quietly as I could because I didn't actually want to wake him up or I would leave the room and cry in the bathroom.

I would still fantasize that he would wake up and come to comfort me. Sometimes he would but sometimes he would be too tired. Then I would resent him for sleeping through while I felt so desperate and alone.

Now, if I need him to wake up and hold me I wake him up. It is my responsibility to let him know. It was not reasonable for me to expect him to just know that I was feeling the way I was and wake up to fix it. Now, I'm able to cry sometimes without waking him up, because I know I can if I need to. It's my choice then. I'm not waiting for rescue.

But if I feel like my mood is dangerous, I wake him up right away. And he doesn't have to sleep with one eye open because he knows that if I really need him, I will ask.

I know how exhausting it can be try to explain to someone else (especially when I can barely speak when I'm depressed), and how wonderful it would be to have someone who intuitively knows how I feel and what I need. But although my hubby does his best, he can't do that. So I tell him what I need, and then he does his absolute best to help me. He's been with me for 19 years, and is my main support system. And communication for us key.

[Edgar's Mom]

Originally Posted by thepterodactyl

I appreciate your "prying" ! (like I mentioned, I really have no one to talk to about this so it's relieving). I think it's a combination of not understanding what bipolar is and not wanting to understand. He's said it himself: he's a very practical person who goes into "fix" mode whenever there's a problem. But I've pointed out to him many times that this attitude is often not very helpful in the midst of of emotional turmoil, because there is no "answer." I bought a book awhile ago about bipolar/relationships and asked why he didn't bother reading it - he said he didn't like reading/thinking about me as a diseased person, as someone with an illness. I just don't relate to this attitude at all. I always want to know more and more and more about anything that effects me or those I care about.

I'm worried I've "married my mother" who has similar emotional blockages...

I hadn't read this before I posted my long response. I will add this: If you communicate clearly to tell him what you need and he refuses to make an effort to help you, then he is not doing his part.

Also, his refusal to accept you for who you are and to accept you as someone who is bipolar is HIS issue and says more about him than it does about you. He needs to look at why he isn't comfortable with acknowledging you and honouring you as a person with bipolar, and honouring your illness as well.

In short, I believe he has some prejudices about mental illness and needs to make an effort to understand and accept it.

Maybe I'm way off base, but that's how that comes across to me.

I agree, from how you've explained it, your husband isn't doing his share. You've told him you'd like him to learn more about your illness and how much that matters to you, and he dismissed you because of his issues. It sounds like he really needs to begin listening to you more.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Have you considered couples therapy?

It's so hard to read this feedback because it says everything I don't want to admit or even say outloud (I'm very grateful, even though it's difficult)

Last night I came upstairs after working and my husband decided to stay home with me, which I thought was a really positive sign and made me feel better (at least temporarily). But the truth of the matter is that he still doesn't get it, and isn't trying to get it. He is a good person, like I said, and he always tries to "do the right thing", which is why he stayed home with me, but I'm not hopeful it's a sign of any deepening understanding...

I'm afraid to confront him because I'm afraid of rocking the boat. We met when I was in a high, got married a week later, and-even though I warned him of the bp stuff day 1-I still feel like I trapped him and now have to push down all the bad stuff as much as possible. I want so badly to be the person I was last year, but it's a fantasy. This is not a real marriage, and that's the part the hurts the most.

[Edgar's Mom]

Originally Posted by thepterodactyl

It's so hard to read this feedback because it says everything I don't want to admit or even say outloud (I'm very grateful, even though it's difficult)

Last night I came upstairs after working and my husband decided to stay home with me, which I thought was a really positive sign and made me feel better (at least temporarily). But the truth of the matter is that he still doesn't get it, and isn't trying to get it. He is a good person, like I said, and he always tries to "do the right thing", which is why he stayed home with me, but I'm not hopeful it's a sign of any deepening understanding...

I'm afraid to confront him because I'm afraid of rocking the boat. We met when I was in a high, got married a week later, and-even though I warned him of the bp stuff day 1-I still feel like I trapped him and now have to push down all the bad stuff as much as possible. I want so badly to be the person I was last year, but it's a fantasy. This is not a real marriage, and that's the part the hurts the most.

Have you ever thought about going to couples counselling? It may be a matter of coming to an understanding. It might be worth exploring since you seem to like him :-)

[Chickenkicker]

Most men are 'fixers', and get inpatient when they can't. They also put things off...sometimes for years...because they're thinking down the road they can probably 'fix' whatever it is, never understanding there is a point of no return.

I think you may want hubby to 'assume' things about what you need...but he might have a fear that if he guesses wrong, he'll be catching hell from both sides. You have to learn not only to articulate what you need, you'll have to figure out the key to communicate with 'him'. That feat could take counseling, but could be a win-win. You could learn a communication mechanism, and the relationship could benefit...because by now years down the road there are probably some ruffled feathers that could use some re-arranging.

My best friend is a very kind and sweet soul. If I needed something he would be on my doorstep in 5 minutes. But he doesn't 'get' his wife's terrible crippling migraines after 34yrs, and he doesn't 'get' my bipolar either, still thinking if I would just spend a day at the lake, everything would be ok for me. He and I coexist just fine...but we're not married to each other.