[raspberrytorte]

Since starting geodon, my delusions have been slowly fragmenting away. I believe I've been somewhat psychotic for the last couple of months.

I've always believed in the power of positive affirmations. But over the last couple of months I took it to a whole new level. I would go the park, write down a positive affirmation over and over again (I went just a little obsessive with it), write down positive affirmations on paper, wrap the paper around rocks and throw the rocks in the water. I thought the river was a magic river and that whatever I threw into it would come true. I thought I had a magic pen (so I always had to use the same pen!). This is embarrassing, but it's what I believed. And I didn't know that this was a delusion... the whole river being magic thing. It was like when people get hyper-religious, except mine was hyper-energy or something. I would get rejection after rejection for short stories and for queries, but it would always just make me get frantic to do more, like I just needed to go do some more positive affirmations... at the river, with my pen. I have an entire notebook filled with just "I have an agent." over and over again.

Anyway, so the above delusion was shattered away yesterday morning.

It feels like waking up from a really beautiful dream, that you thought was real at the time, and when you realize it wasn't real you feel sad.

I still feel there's a negative entity following me around everywhere and haunting me, but I've had some anger lately, and I feel the anger is me outwardly casting away this demon.

I feel like a puzzle, and the puzzle pieces are being taken apart.

Tonight my husband is going to be out late, and I'll be home alone, so I guess I'll just have to see what happens regarding my paranoia/hallucinations. I hope I DON'T have a paranoia attack.

I just feel sad. I don't know if anyone else has felt this way when starting an AP, and having delusions slowly stripped away?

[Edgar's Mom]

I haven't had that experience but I wanted to tell you that your beautifully written words convey your sadness.

I hope you feel better soon and I hope the feeling of the entity following you leaves you soon as well.

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[CopperStar]

IME there is a pinch of truth in every delusion I've ever had. It's just a matter of adjusting and tweaking it to fit into place with 'reality' and all.

Your delusion about the river reminds me a bit of gambling, the sort of situation where a person is desperate to feel hope, that there's a chance, to be able to fantasize and dream without having to automatically dismiss everything. Hope can be extremely vital to humans, especially at certain times and situations in life. Your delusion also presented a scenario where there were specific things that you felt confident that you could do, in order to get positive results. Hope, control, confidence in your ability to change your life. Chances are that you really needed to feel those things, and your brain provided you with an experience, so that you could know those feelings exist, that they are real, and that they can be achieved. Sometimes delusions are little insightful blessings like that. So now you have recently been refreshed with those experiences, you know those feelings are real and that they are worth chasing and fighting for.

[mathrye]

It's difficult when the meds start to work and the delusions start to melt. I'll reread something wonderful that I wrote, and suddenly see it through saner eyes as incoherent nonsense. It's kind of a kick in the emotional gut on a few levels.

As CopperStar said, there are pinches of truth in madness. It's been emotionally difficult to pick through the junkyard of manic ideas, but doing so carefully I've found a handful of gems - new perspectives, stronger beliefs, and even a few research ideas that are worth following. And a lot of stuff that I had to painfully discard with a grimace.

I have kept a lot of the imagery from that time. In my case, it was suddenly beautiful sometimes-religious symbolism surrounding mountains and whatnot. While I have lost the manic obsession around the analogy, I still find it a comforting place to rest my mind and a natural way to interact with my beliefs.

That being said, I had to wait a month or two before going back to think through these things. Too soon and I'd be pulled back in a bit.

You said that you feel as though you're waking from a beautiful dream. That's the best way to start your new day. :- )

-:- M

[Ripose]

I know this is off topic but have you ever considered self-publishing as an e-book?

Here is a good place to start. Amazon Self-Publish

[raspberrytorte]

ripose - I've thought about it. I'm trying traditional first though.

[Edgar's Mom]

Raspberry what do you write? I've written for years but other than a terrible nanowrimo draft I did I've never been able to finish anything. I have a monstrous ms that I keep picking up when I'm well but, but drop it in my depressions which are longer and worse. I miss writing so much.

I believe your unique experiences here are a gift when it comes to your writing.

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[SirMoos]

I know and understand the feeling of the delusion melting away. Don't be embarrassed by what you believed!!! And the hyper-energy as you put it, I tend to say superstitious or spiritual as I am not a religious person and tend to say the universe or "everything" instead.
I have felt both sad and embarrassed when my delusions stopped along with really confused because how could something so true be so not true?

Also, just food for thought, I agree with everyone else in that your writing is excellent in transferring your emotion.

[Nammu]

Raspberry for some reason or other your writing about the delusions being slowly striped away and the sadness of reality reminded me of a saying; those that dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music. Sometimes it feels that way, like the music has stopped and what seemed so clear is lost.

[raspberrytorte]

You're all so nice. Thanks.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

Raspberry what do you write? I've written for years but other than a terrible nanowrimo draft I did I've never been able to finish anything. I have a monstrous ms that I keep picking up when I'm well but, but drop it in my depressions which are longer and worse. I miss writing so much.

I believe your unique experiences here are a gift when it comes to your writing.

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Thank you. Right now I'm working on a YA fantasy/magic realism novel series. I have the first two books written. I'm marketing the first book. I'm currently planning the third one (I hate planning novels. It takes forever! Ugh. But I'm slowly figuring things out. The geodon is actually helping me organize my thoughts, so I've been having more light bulb moments).

For short stories I write mostly magic realism and on occasion horror.

I hope you're able to finish your book. What genre is it? Or what is it about?

[Edgar's Mom]

My monster novel is a historical live triangle with a tragic end. I keep picking it up after depressions and end up unknowingly re-writing the same parts over and over.

I've also done a lot of world building and some characters for a fantasy.

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[raspberrytorte]

edgar'smom - Again, hope you're able to finish it. It sounds interesting.

[raspberrytorte]

Sorry to bring up this old thread, but yesterday morning my negative entity delusion fell apart, and I am very happy about losing that one! I no longer feel it. I know it was never there. I no longer feel the compulsion to get rid of it by writing negative entity leave me alone on paper and burning it and flushing the ashes down the toilet. It is no longer in my mind. Just... yes!!!! Big smiley face here. Thank you geodon.

[cashart10]

I'm so glad the negativity is gone! As for the good delusions fading, I understand. My faith crumbled with the end of my most severe episode. Once I realized that my beliefs were delusions, I couldn't reconcile the truth. I'm still in the rebuilding process. I'm sorry this has been a difficult process for you!

[raspberrytorte]

Thanks cash. I'm still sad about the first delusion being a delusion (actually had a cry over that one), but now that this one is gone I feel so much better. It's like a weight has been lifted. Even my husband told me I seemed lighter. I'm still paranoid and anxious and stuff, but at least I'm not completely delusional anymore.

[SillyKitty]

Don't be embarrassed. Just go to your happy river in a meditation. It doesn't have to go away entirely, especially since it is really important to you. I'm so glad the negative presence has left you. I get those, too, and they are not fun.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm so glad the Geodon is working for you. I remember how amazing it felt when Seroquel (AP #4 I think) worked for me and things just gradually (because I went up very, very slowly) got better. It wasn't a cure for me but it did change things drastically. When XR came out that made an enormous difference for some reason and I felt alive again. I hope this drug is your forever solution.

[raspberrytorte]

Beyond the Rainbow - I hope so too. It's kind of *****ing with my sleep though. Like I can't sleep, and it's making me restless, so I should probably call my pdoc about that tomorrow, but I'm terrified of calling for some reason. I wish I could just text or something. That would be sweet. You'd think I'd be able to do that. Nurses are always so busy. I don't want to bother them, and I have an appointment next thursday, so it's coming up soon. My goal is to eventually taper off lamictal, and hopefully just being on geodon will work as both mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic, since I don't like being on two meds. I'd prefer just one. Geodon can work as a mood stabilizer, right? I should probably google it. I'm sure it does.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I was on a lot of depakote and lithium when I was on it so I don't know how it does as a mood stabilizer. But I've not been on a mood stabilizer for well over a year now (I'm on 2 but at such low doses they help with anxiety and not much else) and Seroquel worked fine for a year. And we went with a 2nd AP instead of even discussing stabilizers (I've been through most to all of them) and that seems to be working. If I could have taken lamictal I probably would still be on it. But I had the rash and that was that because I had it badly. They discussed trying it again while I was IP a few years ago and my pdoc called my IP doc to tell him no. But it seems like the 2 APs are hopefully going to work and I'm down to a just higher than normal dose of Seroquel from a really high dose so hopefully I'll get to a normal dose of it and off the weak stabilizers which will leave me on 4 psych meds plus cogentin.

I remember geodon making me really sleepy but it was really odd sleep that wasn't very restful. Lots of dreams and awakenings. But my sleep is either screwed up or heavily medicated so apparently at that time I wasn't medicated enough to sleep well.

If I ever am forced to go off benzos I will be in big trouble. Asking about that is on my list for my pdoc next time. I take 2 mg of klonopin and 5 mg of valium every day. The valium is for the side effects of the typical AP but we tried switching me to valium only and it just made things worse. I don't fall asleep easily on valium and then I sleep all day. I did go off them once temporarily after a suicide intent landed me IP and since klonopin was the drug I was most considering that was taken away. But it was restarted within 2 months because I just need it and hydroxyzine wasn't enough alone. However a trip to IP will take me off one of them because the IP dr hates benzos and so he'll take away my klonopin. I have to stay out of IP until we figure this out (or my pdoc will have to ask him to not change it).

I hate calling too. I have email for my pdoc but getting it is hit or miss so if it is important I have to call and tell her secretary I need her to read the email I sent. Last month I think I called weekly between med changes and an appointment issue and I hated it. She says it is fine though. I miss when she got emails regularly. That was so much easier.